Members Popular Post JLKel Posted July 1, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 1, 2023 It is July 1st and this coming Monday will be three weeks since my wife of 22.5 years has gone to heaven. For seven years she fought a courageous battle with breast cancer but despite her best efforts and those of hundreds of prayer warriors she lost the battle. She is pain free now and dancing on streets of gold but I have a hole in my heart that leaves me crying at the simplest of things. Grief is a process and I get that it will take time to heal but right now I must say I am overwhelmed by emotions I've never experienced before. She was my better half and she is gone. The woman who taught me how to love deeply and completely is gone and I'm left to navigate life without her. Tears stream down my face as I'm typing this. Losing that person you can tell anything to and not be judged is a loss. Losing that person whose love language is touch and that is mine also is a loss. Losing that person who you are sure God put in your life is a loss. I have been her care giver for almost seven years and I watched her die over a ten day period when her health took a dive. I watched her take her last breath and her heart stopped beating. There is a profound emptiness in my heart and I don't know if it will ever be filled. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 1, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted July 1, 2023 I am so sorry for your loss! You have found a good place to be, this is like a family, caring about each other and we welcome you here. I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps to process your grief. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. You are right, all of those things are losses, immense ones. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RichS Posted July 3, 2023 Members Report Share Posted July 3, 2023 JLKel: We on this board know what you’re going through. Together on this board we sympathize, console each other and offer advice when we can. We hope that you’ll continue to post here. It’s been a helpful coping tool for us and I’m confident that you’ll feel the same. WELCOME!! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted July 3, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted July 3, 2023 I'm so sorry for your loss. There is unfortunately not magic pill or words that can make this all go away, but as Rich said, people here "get it" - you are among friends - and as impossible as this may seem now, you can handle this. And while it will never go away entirely, realistically, it won't be the searing agony it is now forever. Over time, it will become much more manageable. Experience talking. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now