Third year approaching

[Perro J]

I've not been here for a while. A lot has happened. The three year anniversary of my loss approaches.

I remember the first year and how wrenching it was. Very painful and unimaginable that I could endure three years of the pain I was feeling then. I read of others who had walked the path ahead of me and was assured the pain would lessen. Assured may not be the right word to use. I didn't believe them. Now I am one of them.

It doesn't hurt like it did at first. It still hurts but it is a dull ache rather than an agonizing wound.

I started therapy earlier this year. I intended it to be grief therapy but the therapist I am using chooses a more holistic approach. I had heard about EMDR therapy and was hoping to try that because in some cases that has shown rapid relief. We're progressing to that - but she tells me this is not a quick fix.

A couple of the ideas we have discussed and I am to meditate on are ideas such as "What are the rules you live by and if her death forces a contradiction to one or more of these rules, are you willing to re-write them?" and "Are you willing to accept the idea that chance things occur and there may not be a reason for them"?

I don't think I could have done therapy in the first year like this. My brain would not have been ready to grasp these sorts of things. Losing someone you love is nothing less than devastation. Another idea I am exploring is the idea that unhappiness is something that must be fixed. I struggle with that, thinking we all strive to be happy. Yet unhappiness, especially after losing a loved one, is a very valid feeling.

Three years has not been easy.

I still want terribly to find an answer that resolves this for me. An answer that assigns meaning to her death and somehow gives it a purpose. I recall shortly before she died, a friend came to visit. He had lost a friend in his childhood to an accident with blasting caps. For a portion of his life, he rejected God and yet somehow eventually returned to a faith. I had asked him how he was able to resolve the same questions I am asking still. His response was "I never got an answer...and I don't think you will either."

It may be that I have to abandon the "Why?" and "For what purpose?" questions. It's hard because giving up on that search feels like giving up on her as well. That may be a flaw in my thinking but I haven't yet figured out a different way to think about it.

I am sensitive as the anniversary approaches. Tears return. I am tasked with allowing those feelings to be like objects in the room with me. I believe I read on a post here a few years ago that grief is love with no place to go. If I let my sadness and anger represent grief in that way, they are emotions of love that cannot get to the place they belong, and that makes those feelings seems to hold some honor. I am less quick to dismiss them that way.

My condolences to all of you for your losses as well.

[shawnt]

Thank you for the hope

[widower2]

An interesting post. Offhand thoughts: 

4 hours ago, Perro J said:

A couple of the ideas we have discussed and I am to meditate on are ideas such as "What are the rules you live by and if her death forces a contradiction to one or more of these rules, are you willing to re-write them?" and "Are you willing to accept the idea that chance things occur and there may not be a reason for them"?

I don't think I could have done therapy in the first year like this.

I never could. Sorry if this rubs you the wrong way, but frankly if I had a therapist that asked me those questions, I'd find someone else (but again that's me) as it sounds like they're interested in getting all philosophic or whatever vs helping you. 

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Another idea I am exploring is the idea that unhappiness is something that must be fixed. I struggle with that, thinking we all strive to be happy. Yet unhappiness, especially after losing a loved one, is a very valid feeling.

Of course. Unfortunately, grief cannot be "fixed." This is not a black and white thing. But the upside is that it is something we can learn to live with, as it sounds like you're finding out. It fades from searing anguish to, as you say, a dull ache. Not exactly fun, but beats the hell out of the former, and manageable. But the pain of that loss will never go away entirely. 

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I still want terribly to find an answer that resolves this for me. An answer that assigns meaning to her death and somehow gives it a purpose.

I'm not sure there's a meaning/purpose to the loss, but I try to focus on her LIFE, not her death. That indeed had great meaning and purpose. 

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I recall shortly before she died, a friend came to visit. He had lost a friend in his childhood to an accident with blasting caps. For a portion of his life, he rejected God and yet somehow eventually returned to a faith. I had asked him how he was able to resolve the same questions I am asking still. His response was "I never got an answer...and I don't think you will either."

I have to wonder what kind of faith he belongs to which says "tell people not to ever expect an answer." Frankly that IMO was a grossly insensitive and unthinking thing to say.

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It may be that I have to abandon the "Why?" and "For what purpose?" questions. It's hard because giving up on that search feels like giving up on her as well. That may be a flaw in my thinking but I haven't yet figured out a different way to think about it.

Sorry, I don't follow. Giving up on her how? As in her existence beyond this life? 

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I am sensitive as the anniversary approaches. Tears return.

I'm sorry for that. I know those anniversary dates are often hard for people. I hope you find a way to get through it as best as possible.

[RichS]

6 hours ago, Perro J said:

Another idea I am exploring is the idea that unhappiness is something that must be fixed. I struggle with that, thinking we all strive to be happy. Yet unhappiness, especially after losing a loved one, is a very valid feeling

I am approaching one year (August) since my wife passed away. Family and friends say that I'm doing fine during my grieving process, yet I don't feel that I've done much but just cope with life as it exists today. "Going through the motions one day at a time" seems to be the path that I'm on right now; and yes, fixing my unhappiness is also something I've yet to figure out. It would not surprise me if two years from now, I'll be writing about feelings that I have, similar to what you feel these days.

Thanks for your input. Even though we each have our own grieving experience, it gives us a glimpse of what we may feel in the future.

[Shinka]

12 hours ago, Perro J said:

"What are the rules you live by and if her death forces a contradiction to one or more of these rules, are you willing to re-write them

I think this is a pretty good question. In the beginning I felt anything that was different from how we did it before, was an act of disloyalty to my husband. I am now in my third year, and I know I have to live my life according to my rules. I don't feel disloyal or anything anymore, but I do often explain to him why I do what I do. 

Or maybe I misinterpret the question, not sure now. I had an early shift, so my brain cells are somewhat tired. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Perro J said:

His response was "I never got an answer...and I don't think you will either."

I agree, I eventually quit asking and accepted that some things I won't understand and wouldn't agree with if I did.

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

if I had a therapist that asked me those questions, I'd find someone else

That was my initial thought.

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

I try to focus on her LIFE, not her death. That indeed had great meaning and purpose

Exactly!

[KayC]

Perro, will be thinking of you as your anv of death approaches...sometimes worse leading up to it than the day of...

[Roxeanne]

13 hours ago, Perro J said:

It may be that I have to abandon the "Why?" and "For what purpose?" questions.

Welcome back Perro J...thank you to share with us your experiences of the last 3 years!

I've learned that  those hard questions we all ask to ourself have no answers 'cos it's life...the life we known on this planet is full of life and death! It's impossible life without death...

We hardly admitted it 'cos it's our soulmate that is gone...and it's is painful, it's a devastation for us and our life...but accepted it as a law of our universe, that there is no purpose to hurt us in a terrible way but it's our life...can bring more peace in our heart or at least in mine!

Keep askin those questions is a torture without end!

 

[DWS]

13 hours ago, Perro J said:

"Are you willing to accept the idea that chance things occur and there may not be a reason for them"?

When I first read that kind of psychic inquiry to one dealing with grief and loss, I initially rolled my eyes and labelled it a bunch of hooey that a therapist would do such a thing but considering that you're coming up to year three of this hell, it is a good question to start mulling over. You are right that a question like this is not suitable to be asked early in grief because of our anger and absolute confusion at losing our partners and spouses. During that time, we do want answers and they bloody well better make sense! And so months go by with us trying to understand why they were taken from us. I know I still continue to go down this dumb path. "He shouldn't be gone. I'd waited so long to finally have someone like Tom in my life. Why was he taken? Why is life being so damn cruel to me?"

But now sixteen months into this, I can see the value in that question. It's a question that can ultimately bring us some peace and quiet in our minds. Can I come to some quiet understanding that the passing of my partner happened for no reason? Will I be satisfied with that answer? 

I have an older sister who still gets enraged at our mom's death which happened ten years ago. It's a topic we avoid because she instantly goes into a mad tirade about the hospitals, the doctors and nursing staff. She lives with this anger...this continually painful narrative...whereas I somewhere along the line made peace with it. There still is hurt there for me but her fall happened. It just happened and so did the mix of dynamics that occurred after.

13 hours ago, Perro J said:

I still want terribly to find an answer that resolves this for me. An answer that assigns meaning to her death and somehow gives it a purpose. 

I do hope you are able to find meaning which is different from wanting an answer to why her death occurred. Your sensitive and inquisitive persona makes me think that you are likely on your way to it but rather than the death, perhaps look at the meaning of her life to you. There are still so many gifts from her there. 

[shawnt]

I think the joy of life is found out when we realize it's finite. If we all lived forever most things would be meaning less because we would always have more time. The key is to enjoy what we get and have.

For me; that's the hardest part of my life now, it feels without joy and that I am wasting time wishing for something that can never be again.

The whole point of therapy or learning of any sort is to think about things in a new way, ways that may not have occurred without an outside influence.

Early on I had people say things to me that made no sense to me or just pissed me off. Down the road a bit they don't seem so crazy.

This site introduces me to new thinking from people who are in the same lonely boat as me, nobody has all the answers but everybody has one(or 2) and I thank you all for sharing .

[KayC]

I want to add that my way of dealing with it is not everyone's way, we all find what works for us. For myself, I was driving myself nuts the first year with questions that I didn't have answers to and it made more sense to me to accept face value what I couldn't understand.  Your way might be totally different.

 

[RichS]

1 hour ago, shawnt said:

For me; that's the hardest part of my life now, it feels without joy and that I am wasting time wishing for something that can never be again.

 

You've read my mind on this one..................

 

1 hour ago, shawnt said:

The whole point of therapy or learning of any sort is to think about things in a new way, ways that may not have occurred without an outside influence.

What I realized from therapy is that there often not a cure, but instead, coping methods on dealing with whatever problem is bothering you.

[LMR]

18 hours ago, Perro J said:

I've not been here for a while. A lot has happened. The three year anniversary of my loss approaches.

I remember the first year and how wrenching it was. Very painful and unimaginable that I could endure three years of the pain I was feeling then. I read of others who had walked the path ahead of me and was assured the pain would lessen. Assured may not be the right word to use. I didn't believe them. Now I am one of them.

It doesn't hurt like it did at first. It still hurts but it is a dull ache rather than an agonizing wound.

I started therapy earlier this year. I intended it to be grief therapy but the therapist I am using chooses a more holistic approach. I had heard about EMDR therapy and was hoping to try that because in some cases that has shown rapid relief. We're progressing to that - but she tells me this is not a quick fix.

A couple of the ideas we have discussed and I am to meditate on are ideas such as "What are the rules you live by and if her death forces a contradiction to one or more of these rules, are you willing to re-write them?" and "Are you willing to accept the idea that chance things occur and there may not be a reason for them"?

I don't think I could have done therapy in the first year like this. My brain would not have been ready to grasp these sorts of things. Losing someone you love is nothing less than devastation. Another idea I am exploring is the idea that unhappiness is something that must be fixed. I struggle with that, thinking we all strive to be happy. Yet unhappiness, especially after losing a loved one, is a very valid feeling.

Three years has not been easy.

I still want terribly to find an answer that resolves this for me. An answer that assigns meaning to her death and somehow gives it a purpose. I recall shortly before she died, a friend came to visit. He had lost a friend in his childhood to an accident with blasting caps. For a portion of his life, he rejected God and yet somehow eventually returned to a faith. I had asked him how he was able to resolve the same questions I am asking still. His response was "I never got an answer...and I don't think you will either."

It may be that I have to abandon the "Why?" and "For what purpose?" questions. It's hard because giving up on that search feels like giving up on her as well. That may be a flaw in my thinking but I haven't yet figured out a different way to think about it.

I am sensitive as the anniversary approaches. Tears return. I am tasked with allowing those feelings to be like objects in the room with me. I believe I read on a post here a few years ago that grief is love with no place to go. If I let my sadness and anger represent grief in that way, they are emotions of love that cannot get to the place they belong, and that makes those feelings seems to hold some honor. I am less quick to dismiss them that way.

My condolences to all of you for your losses as well.

Hello Perro J
I was pleased to see your post. I was wondering about you just the other day. We have been on a similar path. I am also approaching three years but sometimes it feels like it is just three weeks. I thought I wasn't managing at all well but I recently went back and read my early posts. There is a marked difference. I am calmer on the whole though there are still moments when my insides turn somersaults. Still days with too much weeping, but it is no longer constant.

Hard as it is to accept I think your friend is right and we will not get answers whilst here on Earth. Maybe we are asking the wrong questions. I still find the fact of him not being here to be bizarre, nonsensical, but I try not to think about it. That way madness lies!

I remember that line, grief is love with nowhere to go. So true.

I will be thinking of you.

[Perro J]

I thank all of you for the replies.

The friend who said "I didn't get an answer - and I don't think you will either." was actually a great human being. He passed away in 2022 from lung cancer. The visit where he told me that was him stopping by to contribute money to the fundraising I was doing to try to help my beloved. I can see how it might appear callous in the brief context I describe but I promise you he was a great man and I, and others, miss him dearly.

I want to also commend my therapist because she's perceptive. I'm the one that is philosophical. That comes from a high school philosophy teacher who was really the most beloved teacher at my school. He had an interesting story too. At the end of WWII, he was in Europe. France if memory serves me correctly. As some history buffs know, without modern communications, there were still people killed after the war had officially ended because word the the war was over took days to reach those who needed to know. His twin brother was a casualty like that. He stayed in Europe for a few weeks after he had learned of his brother's death, trying to find an answer as to what exactly happened. I don't think he got that answer either.

This pursuit of an answer...

I like to think I live a life based on reason. A few successes setting a goal, making a plan to achieve it, then executing that plan and achieving that goal. Ive played in a band, earned a pilot's license, run a marathon. It tends to lead me to think that if you set your mind to it, things will go according to plan. Even if I concede that I am human and occasionally fallible, certainly God could have a plan that would workout even when my plans fall short.

How easy it was to think and feel when she entered my life and we fell in love that this was something written in the stars and it was meant to be. Until it wasn't.

So what was God's plan? Is there something greater, beyond the scope of my perception, that this served? Think Carl Sagan big here....could it be greater than my ability to understand?

I think the question of "Are you willing to accept the idea that chance things occur and there may not be a reason for them"? is a very well placed shot on her part. It forces me to re-think a framework where everything happens for a reason and the reasons behind the answers I am seeking can be attained with enough thought and effort.

Think how well this idea of reason and thought has served me in my life. Goals achieved, problems solved. Until I am confronted by this loss. And now the tool of thought and reason is of no help.  In fact, even my confidence in my abilities with that tool is threatened by this event.

It might be...and now we're up to the cutting edge of my thinking today...that the tool I need now is based on emotion rather than reason. I need to grow in an emotional space. I need to feel, not think, about her death. That sounds revulsive at first. These are feelings of sadness, anger, loneliness.  Why would anyone want to feel that way? yet as I mentioned, there is love at the core of them. It is appropriate and valid to feel sad and angry at the loss of a loved one.

In hindsight, over the last three years, much of the activity that I have done has been to distract myself from these feelings and emotions. I'm not going to beat myself up over that - I was doing the best I could. I think now though, I can stop with the judging of myself for feeling sad and angry. I can stop with "I am sad and because of that I have little motivation and without motivation I am unproductive and therefore I am a bad person" line of thinking. I can begin to separate and make a distinction between I feel sad and I am sad. I try to meditate and treat these emotions as objects in the room with me to help increase that division. As much as I would like the trash man of reason to take those objects out, I don't think that will occur. So it is here where some of the rules may need to be re-written. Scientific method demands it when you are presented with evidence that contradicts the theory.

Maybe her death was not part of some greater plan - maybe it was something that happened by chance. Maybe no answer is forthcoming.

If I accept that, perhaps I can turn my attention to permitting myself to feel this without thinking less of myself because these are "negative emotions". Let them be valid emotions because yes, I love her, and yes she died. Of course I feel sad and angry. It is completely appropriate to feel those emotions. They are part of my love for her.

 

 

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Perro J said:

could it be greater than my ability to understand?

I think so, that's why I've chosen the stance I have...someday we will know the answers!

1 hour ago, Perro J said:

maybe it was something that happened by chance. Maybe no answer is forthcoming.

This is how I have chosen to view it...