A New Way not New Normal

[WithoutHer]

We talk about finding our new normal without our partner but it hit me that there is no more normal. Normal was every day with our love at our side. I cannot find what is my new normal because there is no normal. It may be semantics but a new way is more appropriate to my mind because normal is no more and never will be again. My normal is gone without Vickie and I find the word normal to include comfort. There will be no more comfort without her so I will have to find my new way. While I sit alone everyday I wonder how many think about that new way without a clue as I do. I have no one or no where to turn and I know some of you are in the same place. I have looked into the grief groups available to me and the way they are arranged does not appeal to my needs. I have my own spiritually but I'm no longer a church gower after so many and having so many disappointments. So I admit my own ways limit my socializing options and my new way.

I will never have a new normal. I miss Vickie more each day as I know all of you miss your partner and our tears share our grief. 

We might find a new way but we will never have a new normal again.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

We talk about finding our new normal without our partner but it hit me that there is no more normal.

Yes, we've had discussions about this before...it's merely a psyche term but it totally hits us the wrong way because to us grievers, you are so right!...there IS no "normal" anymore.  Normal was before, when they were alive and we were happy.

[RichS]

My grief counselor friend just sent me this article last week. It can be a little challenging (at least for me), but there is some truth to it. Hope it helps with our group:

Some life changes are very difficult to deal with namely bereavement. Big losses take time and effort to grieve and overcome. Our past lifestyle no longer fits our new situation. What seemed far away, what we thought could never happen to us, is now the reality we must adapt to. This is referred to as ‘the new normal.’ Even if we don’t like it, it is important to accept the ‘new normal’ so that we can create a new way of life for ourselves. So how do we acknowledge this “new normal and move forward? *Take time for yourself. Find small moments to be alone, take deep breaths, and even cry. You may find it helpful to change up your environment every so often (take a walk outside, etc.) so that you feel in-control and have time to process your thoughts. *Set limitations. Attempting to move forward faster than you are ready to will inevitably end badly. *Take inventory of the changes that have taken place. Be honest about what you like and what you don’t like. You won’t like everything, and at the same time good times can coexist with this feeling.  This is your new life now. This is your new normal. *One of the hardest things about moving forward into a new normal is saying goodbye to our old life. Much of our old life passed with our loved one. Acceptance of this ushers us into a new normal and puts us on the path to moving forward.

        Reconnect With Life After Loss: What have you stopped doing since experiencing the death of your loved one?  More specifically, what do you no longer do that you used to previously enjoy or find fulfilling? These may be things that you stopped doing because… *You can’t imagine doing it without them *You feel as though the things you once enjoyed now seem meaningless or unimportant. *You disengage from certain activities because they remind you of your loved one. *It feels safe and comfortable to not push yourself. *Engaging in activities feels like a betrayal or as though you’re “moving forward”. Now, what if I told you that by deliberately deciding to do these things again, or by choosing new things to try, that you might start to feel a little bit better. Or that by doing these things you are actually, in many ways, coping with your grief. If you’ve cut out activities that used to be an important part of your life, things that had value, then it may be time to slowly schedule some of them back in. Now, some of these activities may no longer feel pleasurable, perhaps because nothing feels pleasurable, they may remind you of your loved one, they require effort, or because they force you to confront difficult emotions. Perhaps you should consider scheduling them in anyway. After someone dies, some of our most valued and fulfilling experiences are often tainted with a tinge of pain. Part of coping with grief is learning to tolerate and work through painful emotions so prepare at times to feel frustrated and to doubt yourself and to feel all sorts of emotions – but know it is worth it in the end. It is the beginning of living a new normal, like it or not. Depending on how long you have been in the grief process will be a factor in the depth of emotional turmoil you will experience. Be mindful that. It’s not permanent.

        Moving Forward is more about learning to live a both/and life rather than an either/or life. Example of Both/And: Enjoying your younger son’s soccer game AND still missing your deceased daughter playing volleyball. Either/Or:  You can go to your grandson’s soccer games to cheer him on OR miss the memories of going to his game. Somehow thinking of feelings, emotions and actions in this way may help you to see that it is healing and healthy to both enjoy the “present” and fondly remember the “past”. This does not mean there won’t be feelings of a sense of loss and/or pain. The more you start thinking of “both/and” in your life, the more a part of your mindset it will become. Living your life doesn’t mean you’re moving on and forgetting. A thought or feeling that might be holding you back from reconnecting with your life is that by doing so, you’re betraying your loved one or forgetting them altogether producing feelings guilt, which is quite common. This guilt about living your life is understandable but think of it from your loved one’s perspective. Now, would they want you to stop living, of course not! Getting out there and getting back to the parts of life that brings joy does not erase the grief. They coexist and the reality is they will for a long time. As for betrayal, if we choose not to reconnect with life, the only person we’re betraying is ourselves.

        It’s understandable why grieving people feel put off by words like growth, moving forward, healing and letting go especially in the early days of grief.  When we feel heartbroken, these concepts feel like they will never come to pass, but they will come someday (baby steps) if we let them. Remember “When Feeling Okay Feels Wrong? We discussed what happens if we let go and move forward, where does their memory live? The answer is it lives in the stories that we tell people about them. It lives in the memories we shared together with friends and family. It lives in the things that our loved one taught us. It lives in the things we do in their honor and memory. It lives in every little thing we do from listening to music they loved, to looking through old photographs, or whatever other things we did with them. The point is, it will always live regardless of where life takes us.

 

[RichS]

22 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I wonder who ever wrote this, did they lose a spouse? 

Yes, he did back in 2016. He also lost his 9 year old daughter to heart failure in 1993. He also lost his father while he was in high school. 

[shawnt]

I think this new path we are on will take many new skills and ways of looking at it. Use what you can; ignore the horse poo. What seemed useless to me earlier might have merits now and vice versa. One thing I know for sure now is everyone proceeds differently , many branches of travel .

[RichS]

3 minutes ago, shawnt said:

I think this new path we are on will take many new skills and ways of looking at it.

I AGREE...........If today I had to start following what my friend wrote, I would be stumbling out of the gate. Admittedly, I'm not quite ready for that, yet.

 

38 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Maybe this melancholy will fade for me.  It has not been 6 months for me yet.  My counselor said I'm doing all the right things..."give it time".   So, that's what I'll do. 

I'm hoping the melancholy lifts for me as well. Family and friends say I'm doing the right things and "give it time" and that's what I'll continue to do as well.

[KayC]

@RichS Along the lines of what he gave you, this article comes to mind...sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to smile, or participate in things. Sometimes we feel we need to hang onto melancholy or mourning to be close to them, and it's good to know that is not true, we carry them with us through life regardless of what we do.

Smile Permission

[RichS]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Along the lines of what he gave you, this article comes to mind...sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to smile, or participate in things.

Thanks Kay, for the article. It does run similar to my friend's writing. Though both have truth to them, I personally have some work to do before I start to feel comfortable with smiling and laughing. I do notice at times when I'm writing on the board that I do have a sense of humor; which is like a pressure release valve for me.

The WORK IN PROGRESS continues......................

[KayC]

Well I specifically remember finding a similar article in my first year and finding it helpful.

[Sar123]

On 6/25/2023 at 4:52 PM, WithoutHer said:

We might find a new way but we will never have a new normal again.

I feel the same. Normal was my old life with my beloved husband. Those days are over, and now I must adjust to a new way of surviving. None of this is easy and at times I feel so lost and alone on this unwanted journey I’ve been forced to take. I know I’m in the middle of this river of grief and I hope to make it to the other side eventually. I have two friends who are widows and they reassure me that there will come the day when I’ll be able to say “hey, I didn’t cry today.”  It just seems so far away right now.

Life will never be “normal” again so a “new normal” is not a term that works for me either. I think “a new way” is a term I feel more comfortable using. 

[RichS]

“New way” sounds better to me as well. “New normal” sounds a bit forced on us. Either way it’s a new reality.

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, RichS said:

“New way” sounds better to me as well. “New normal” sounds a bit forced on us. Either way it’s a new reality.

Yes it's a new reality and I'm not coping with it well at all. There is absolutely no normal in it whatsoever.

[KayC]

It's weird how a word can trigger us...I feel psychology should be more sensitive in the words they apply to us.

[shawnt]

I think the sadness or background melancholy is who I am now, I have to learn this is my new baseline. I have  a friend who lost a child 20+ years ago and she says she thinks of her every time she wakes and many times thru the day, imagines who she might have grown into. My friend had other children, is in a good marriage and mostly has a good life but in the background is a sadness about what's been lost. I think that's me now, it will never be "better" because the loss is permanent, I just have to learn how to live with it and hope I have the strength to keep going. I have never felt so helpless in my life.

[shawnt]

I think the English language is weak in describing complex emotions.

I remember at all of my son's graduations I was proud and happy but also sad that it was over , each milestone in their lives is a step further away from us. I know you can't hold them so tight that they stunt, but I sure miss being daddy. I think the new path will forever have  enormous sorrow as the background and regular living at the front, learning to not be debilitated by the former and trying to enjoy the little things in front.

Right now that seems an impossible task.

[KayC]

34 minutes ago, shawnt said:

My friend had other children, is in a good marriage and mostly has a good life but in the background is a sadness about what's been lost.

I think this is a perfect description of what it's like to carry our grief...it doesn't describe the early years which for me were horrific (and many of you as well) but what it's like to live with ongoing grief.  I continue to look for some little form of joy in each day (or positive if you choose not to call it that), but that doesn't take away from the fact that we are living with loss.

[KayC]

2 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I so want to feel joy again.  Is it a fleeting memory?

It takes effort but you can feel it again, not on the same level as before, it's not a continuum as it was before, but for a brief time.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I continue to look for some little form of joy in each day (or positive if you choose not to call it that), but that doesn't take away from the fact that we are living with loss.

This is definitely the right attitude to have. Why this is so difficult to do is that we all have had BIG LOSSES (spouses and partners) and little joys seem like a consolation prize which can never take the place of that. STILL...............this is the direction we need to go to start moving forward with our new reality (cross out new normal). I myself have to take baby steps with this because I'm no quite ready, but then again, when will I ever be ready? Thought just hit me................maybe if we combine the "finding little joys" in our lives attitude and combine it with the "one day at a time" strategy, we can start moving forward a little. Something to think about.............................

[KayC]

That's what I've done and continue to do still...

[RichS]

1 minute ago, Gator M said:

I'm a different person without Ann.

We all are, without our partners.............

[Wavesnsky]

@Gator MFind time to be alone?  I'm sick of being alone

I agree 100%.  I have come to realize this is my new life and you know what? I don’t like it. There are good things that happen, positive things that happen and things are minimally getting better, but I still don’t like it and I don’t have too. Maybe someday but not today.

[Sar123]

On 6/29/2023 at 9:21 PM, Wavesnsky said:

I have come to realize this is my new life and you know what? I don’t like it. There are good things that happen, positive things that happen and things are minimally getting better, but I still don’t like it and I don’t have too. Maybe someday but not today.

I feel the same way. 

Today I am heading to a BBQ by myself for the first time without my husband. Part of me doesn’t want to go, but I committed to going when they asked me 2 weeks ago. The bbq is at one of his closest friends he had growing up. His wife has been a good friend and it was sweet of her to invite me. It’s going to be hard not to cry when they bring him up.  First times are the worst and I’m not looking forward to this, but maybe it won’t be as bad as I’m anticipating. It’s nice getting invited to places, but I tend to be depressed when I get home. It’s the loneliness that I have a hard time with. Having my dog helps, but it will never be the same without him here. 

My son, his wife and my grandson are coming to stay for 2 weeks in July and as much as I’m looking forward to it, I know I’ll be depressed when they leave and I’ll have to adjust to be alone again. Eventually, I will get use to this “new way “ of life, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. 

[Sar123]

Good advice! Thanks:) Well, I’m off to the bbq…

[KayC]

And I hope you have a good time, @Sar123

[Jemiga70]

On 6/25/2023 at 3:52 PM, WithoutHer said:

While I sit alone everyday I wonder how many think about that new way without a clue as I do.

I would like to move forward - and I suppose I am, slowly - but haven't a clue what I'm moving forward to and for what purpose.  It's been 26 months.  I'm beginning to think I'll never know.  If that's the case maybe the trick is to step forward anyhow and let the cards fall where they may. How could anything from this point onwards be worse than what's happened?

[RichS]

52 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I've been watching several YouTubes on loneliness.   It's deadlier than smoking a pack a day or diabetes. Heart attacks increase by 40%. It's also an epidemic.

It's ironic you mentioned that. I was at the park this afternoon thinking about how much this depression and grieving of mine will end up effecting me physically down the line. So far I'm depressed but functioning. Hopefully it will ease up sometime in the future.

 

48 minutes ago, Jemiga70 said:

I would like to move forward - and I suppose I am, slowly - but haven't a clue what I'm moving forward to and for what purpose.  It's been 26 months.  I'm beginning to think I'll never know.  If that's the case maybe the trick is to step forward anyhow and let the cards fall where they may. How could anything from this point onwards be worse than what's happened?

Other than being a caretaker I do not know what the future will bring. As I mentioned to Gator, hopefully my depression will ease up in the future. As for stepping forward, when I get out of bed every morning and start to function, to me that is a step forward; but you're right: This is the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life.

[RichS]

7 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I could deal with much more if I had a social group that I could hang with.

This might have been mentioned before:  Maybe you can start one at your church.

[KayC]

I sincerely hope you get some to join in with you.

[KayC]

My heart goes out to you in your grief, everything you say is how we've all felt.

He sounds like a special guy, like mine...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

1 hour ago, ruth jones miller said:

He told me, "It makes me happy to make you happy.".  Ditto from me to him.

RuthJonesMiller:  That was the foundation of our love for 42 years. We didn't always share the same interests, but we tried to allow each other the time and space to enjoy them. On this board you will find sympathetic, caring people who try to comfort each other every day. Even provide advice, if it helps. Without a doubt, ALL OF US on this board can relate to your grief. We hope that you'll continue to post here. It's been a great help for all of us. It can be for you, too. WELCOME!!!

 

[KayC]

Absolutely! Of course we miss them, I look forward to our reunion, I know for them it's the blink of an eye, but for us, the years seem to stretch out...

[RichS]

7 minutes ago, KayC said:

I know for them it's the blink of an eye, but for us, the years seem to stretch out...

And I have the feeling that the Lord has more work for me, yet to do. Based on that, I plan on buying more calendars over the next two or three decades.....................

[Boggled]

On 6/26/2023 at 8:39 AM, RichS said:

A thought or feeling that might be holding you back from reconnecting with your life is that by doing so, you’re betraying your loved one or forgetting them altogether producing feelings guilt, which is quite common. This guilt about living your life is understandable but think of it from your loved one’s perspective. Now, would they want you to stop living, of course not! Getting out there and getting back to the parts of life that brings joy does not erase the grief. They coexist

they COEXIST.  I was just telling "myself" yesterday night, "I'm ME again" ... and at that moment, I did feel like I was not the pain-sorrow-ridden confused being I've been, but I felt like ... hey!  I'm ME ... but ... 

On 6/26/2023 at 8:39 AM, RichS said:

Moving Forward is more about learning to live a both/and life rather than an either/or life. Example of Both/And: Enjoying your younger son’s soccer game AND still missing your deceased daughter playing volleyball. Either/Or:  You can go to your grandson’s soccer games to cheer him on OR miss the memories of going to his game. Somehow thinking of feelings, emotions and actions in this way may help you to see that it is healing and healthy to both enjoy the “present” and fondly remember the “past”. This does not mean there won’t be feelings of a sense of loss and/or pain

On 6/26/2023 at 10:23 AM, shawnt said:

What seemed useless to me earlier might have merits now and vice versa. One thing I know for sure now is everyone proceeds differently , many branches of travel .

well the grass is getting longer and I want to charge up the riding lawnmower with what "I" think is a dead battery, so went out to the storage trailer "we" called "Stargate," just full of my husband's "stuff," looked around for his charger thingy, and looking at all his stuff, sitting there in utter silence, "I" DISSOLVED.  Me, "normal," where are you?  so I came back through the long grass (tick-ridden, btw) to the back porch, sat down, looked at the view, and said "that's normal."  Then I opened the door and one of my cats wanted out ... Hello, normal cat!  Had a nice cup of coffee heated in the microwave, man, this sense of surreal, this sense of ... hang onto "normal" with your fingernails and your toenails and your teeth!  It's sort of coming back.  And I came here, and searched the word "normal," and at least here there are other people also struggling on the subject!  of normal!

[WithoutHer]

4 hours ago, Boggled said:

they COEXIST.  I was just telling "myself" yesterday night, "I'm ME again" ... and at that moment, I did feel like I was not the pain-sorrow-ridden confused being I've been, but I felt like ... hey!  I'm ME ... but ... 

well the grass is getting longer and I want to charge up the riding lawnmower with what "I" think is a dead battery, so went out to the storage trailer "we" called "Stargate," just full of my husband's "stuff," looked around for his charger thingy, and looking at all his stuff, sitting there in utter silence, "I" DISSOLVED.  Me, "normal," where are you?  so I came back through the long grass (tick-ridden, btw) to the back porch, sat down, looked at the view, and said "that's normal."  Then I opened the door and one of my cats wanted out ... Hello, normal cat!  Had a nice cup of coffee heated in the microwave, man, this sense of surreal, this sense of ... hang onto "normal" with your fingernails and your toenails and your teeth!  It's sort of coming back.  And I came here, and searched the word "normal," and at least here there are other people also struggling on the subject!  of normal!

Yeah and I started this thread during a moment of my own reality and I am struck by chance by your post on an evening I am desperately having the same struggle I had when I made that first post. This thread hasn't been touched since last July. I came to talk of my struggle with a new post and logging in the notification of your post brought me back here. I've never really believed in coincidence so I'm not asking what are the odds? I'm fighting with all these emotions again and the story of your experience of the day and searching for normal touched my own need for coming here tonight. I'm just going to leave it there and let my words pass for the feelings that need addressed preceded my entrance. But I'll close with there is still no "normal" in my life just a new way. That way is as I've read others say actually a bit worse at 14 months than it was in the beginning. I think it's a bit worse for those of us going it all alone. I have no idea if my thoughts here will make any sense to anyone, between the lines, but I know it's a rare feeling to feel my inner child had it's needs met between your post and my own related thoughts they brought to mind.

[RichS]

5 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

But I'll close with there is still no "normal" in my life just a new way.

And that is how I feel most days. A new way is just that ("new"), but not a better way. If there's one thing good that I've discovered out of this whole experience is that over time, how I've somehow coped through it all.

[widower2]

On 6/26/2023 at 9:39 AM, RichS said:

My grief counselor friend just sent me this article last week. It can be a little challenging (at least for me), but there is some truth to it. Hope it helps with our group:

Some life changes are very difficult to deal with namely bereavement. Big losses take time and effort to grieve and overcome. Our past lifestyle no longer fits our new situation. What seemed far away, what we thought could never happen to us, is now the reality we must adapt to. This is referred to as ‘the new normal.’ Even if we don’t like it, it is important to accept the ‘new normal’ so that we can create a new way of life for ourselves. So how do we acknowledge this “new normal and move forward? *Take time for yourself. Find small moments to be alone, take deep breaths, and even cry. You may find it helpful to change up your environment every so often (take a walk outside, etc.) so that you feel in-control and have time to process your thoughts. *Set limitations. Attempting to move forward faster than you are ready to will inevitably end badly. *Take inventory of the changes that have taken place. Be honest about what you like and what you don’t like. You won’t like everything, and at the same time good times can coexist with this feeling.  This is your new life now. This is your new normal. *One of the hardest things about moving forward into a new normal is saying goodbye to our old life. Much of our old life passed with our loved one. Acceptance of this ushers us into a new normal and puts us on the path to moving forward.

        Reconnect With Life After Loss: What have you stopped doing since experiencing the death of your loved one?  More specifically, what do you no longer do that you used to previously enjoy or find fulfilling? These may be things that you stopped doing because… *You can’t imagine doing it without them *You feel as though the things you once enjoyed now seem meaningless or unimportant. *You disengage from certain activities because they remind you of your loved one. *It feels safe and comfortable to not push yourself. *Engaging in activities feels like a betrayal or as though you’re “moving forward”. Now, what if I told you that by deliberately deciding to do these things again, or by choosing new things to try, that you might start to feel a little bit better. Or that by doing these things you are actually, in many ways, coping with your grief. If you’ve cut out activities that used to be an important part of your life, things that had value, then it may be time to slowly schedule some of them back in. Now, some of these activities may no longer feel pleasurable, perhaps because nothing feels pleasurable, they may remind you of your loved one, they require effort, or because they force you to confront difficult emotions. Perhaps you should consider scheduling them in anyway. After someone dies, some of our most valued and fulfilling experiences are often tainted with a tinge of pain. Part of coping with grief is learning to tolerate and work through painful emotions so prepare at times to feel frustrated and to doubt yourself and to feel all sorts of emotions – but know it is worth it in the end. It is the beginning of living a new normal, like it or not. Depending on how long you have been in the grief process will be a factor in the depth of emotional turmoil you will experience. Be mindful that. It’s not permanent.

        Moving Forward is more about learning to live a both/and life rather than an either/or life. Example of Both/And: Enjoying your younger son’s soccer game AND still missing your deceased daughter playing volleyball. Either/Or:  You can go to your grandson’s soccer games to cheer him on OR miss the memories of going to his game. Somehow thinking of feelings, emotions and actions in this way may help you to see that it is healing and healthy to both enjoy the “present” and fondly remember the “past”. This does not mean there won’t be feelings of a sense of loss and/or pain. The more you start thinking of “both/and” in your life, the more a part of your mindset it will become. Living your life doesn’t mean you’re moving on and forgetting. A thought or feeling that might be holding you back from reconnecting with your life is that by doing so, you’re betraying your loved one or forgetting them altogether producing feelings guilt, which is quite common. This guilt about living your life is understandable but think of it from your loved one’s perspective. Now, would they want you to stop living, of course not! Getting out there and getting back to the parts of life that brings joy does not erase the grief. They coexist and the reality is they will for a long time. As for betrayal, if we choose not to reconnect with life, the only person we’re betraying is ourselves.

        It’s understandable why grieving people feel put off by words like growth, moving forward, healing and letting go especially in the early days of grief.  When we feel heartbroken, these concepts feel like they will never come to pass, but they will come someday (baby steps) if we let them. Remember “When Feeling Okay Feels Wrong? We discussed what happens if we let go and move forward, where does their memory live? The answer is it lives in the stories that we tell people about them. It lives in the memories we shared together with friends and family. It lives in the things that our loved one taught us. It lives in the things we do in their honor and memory. It lives in every little thing we do from listening to music they loved, to looking through old photographs, or whatever other things we did with them. The point is, it will always live regardless of where life takes us.

 

Good article!  

[Boggled]

yes, Widower2, re-reading it yesterday and today, I was struck by how differently I feel about it, NOW, compared to the first time I read it.  The "both/and" paragraph (3rd paragraph) really resonated, for me, yesterday, when I was BACK into DEEP GRIEVING, but had the memory of saying to myself, "Hey, I'm ME," the night before ... yes, it is/can be "both/and."  

9 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Yeah and I started this thread during a moment of my own reality and I am struck by chance by your post on an evening I am desperately having the same struggle I had when I made that first post. This thread hasn't been touched since last July. I came to talk of my struggle with a new post and logging in the notification of your post brought me back here. I've never really believed in coincidence so I'm not asking what are the odds? I'm fighting with all these emotions again and the story of your experience of the day and searching for normal touched my own need for coming here tonight. I'm just going to leave it there and let my words pass for the feelings that need addressed preceded my entrance. But I'll close with there is still no "normal" in my life just a new way. That way is as I've read others say actually a bit worse at 14 months than it was in the beginning. I think it's a bit worse for those of us going it all alone. I have no idea if my thoughts here will make any sense to anyone, between the lines, but I know it's a rare feeling to feel my inner child had it's needs met between your post and my own related thoughts they brought to mind.

WithoutHer!  My situation is similar to yours BUT I get a phone call from my MIL EVERY NIGHT.   Last night we ended up talking about me looking for a way to recycle peed-on kitty litter, of all things.  (remove poo, spread urine-soaked kitty litter on old wornout small trampoline, put in sun and let rain run through it ... I'm TRYING IT!  Why not?  nobody else here!  I CAN experiment with whatEVER) ... And she laughed!  and I laughed too!  So having even one person you talk to REGULARLY in my case, has been so very helpful.   I think of you as you say, having NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!  ... I'm so sorry, WithoutHer!  

And this site is here.  

[Boggled]

On 6/28/2023 at 6:12 AM, KayC said:

It's weird how a word can trigger us...I feel psychology should be more sensitive in the words they apply to us.

absolutely words are exceedingly important!   "normal" or "way," I'm sorry if I refer to "normal!"  when I should have said "new way."   

I've strongly felt that way about the word "acceptance," which to me, implies "agreement"  ...  "realization" might be better?  

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

realization" might be better?

That's the term I prefer, definitely!

[HisMunchkin]

The new reality?

 

[WithoutHer]

28 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

The new reality?

 

Yes that's what it is. For me it's a very empty lonely nothing's normal place.

[Boggled]

The new WAY,   

On 6/26/2023 at 8:39 AM, RichS said:

Even if we don’t like it, it is important to accept the ‘new normal’ so that we can create a new way of life for ourselves.

(bold added to word "accept" by me)

and there's that word, "accept," though in the context of the sentence it's understandable and not so UN-ACCEPTABLE (ha!) as that word "acceptance," as the final end-stage!  (as if it ends!) in the Kubler-Ross 5-stages theory.  You could put it, "Even if we don't like it, it is important to REALIZE the "new normal" so that we can create a new way of life for ourselves."

On 6/26/2023 at 8:39 AM, RichS said:

Remember “When Feeling Okay Feels Wrong? We discussed what happens if we let go and move forward, where does their memory live? The answer is

... in my case, "the answer is"  ... he is still here IN ME?????  ... but nope, it's still totally confusing , kinda as another person on here put it, "trying to understand death," and feeling like there's something big we're somehow missing?

btw, RichS, sorry the way the site copies put YOUR name but it is your FRIEND who came up with the article;  it's really good I think, and the "Both/And" idea ... that we can BOTH grieve AND "carry on" ... AT THIS POINT, for me, now, almost 2 years after for me,  makes some sense NOW as it did not earlier.  

[KayC]

Yes, I hated the word "accept" as to me it signified agreeing with or being okay with it, which I'll never be.  Like I said, it's merely a psyche term which imo shows callousness to the way grievers feel.  I prefer to say realize instead of accept.

[HisMunchkin]

How about "adapting" to the new "reality"?  Adapting to the point of being able function, and find a sufficient level of peace and joy in life again.