Just me and the kids now

[Matthew C]

My wife passed away this past Memorial day.  The sting is ever-present.  She was 42 and we were soulmates.  We have two young children and had so many plans for the future.  Her passing was sudden and unexpected.  I am beyond broken. Angry, sad, lost.  Time will blah-blah.  I'm not ok.  I can't even begin to think I will ever be ok.  I cling to distractions.  The weekends are the hardest.  The weekends used to be "I can't wait" , sleeping late, cuddling, breakfast, adventures.  Now they're fake smiles, hide & cry, lonely days.  I can be strong for our children but I'm really struggling.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, and I thought my husband died young (barely 51).  Weekends and evenings were the hardest for me when it happened (18 years ago).  I hope you will continue to come here to read and post, it helps.  This is a safe place, we are a family of sorts, from all over.  Here people "get it."

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

Matthew:  All of us on this board are very sorry for your loss. You will find caring, sympathetic and helpful people here. I joined here six months ago and find this board a great coping tool. We encourage you to continue to post here. WELCOME!!

[ThereIsAField]

I'm very sorry your loss was so sudden and unexpected, Matthew. It's not easy when there's a prior illness either, but at least there is some time to prepare and it's not such a shock.

[Mama_Bear_11]

Hi Matthew_C, I have 11 year old twins now by myself, so I hear you. This summer is very hard for me; last summer, we had so much fun. Now, I'm alone with them, don't have a job yet and am trying to make it work. It sucks. Make sure to give yourself space to grieve, and decide when the kids * need* you to show up for them (ie: making a big deal for fifth grade promotion). Other than that, just do your best. It's all you can do. And if that's hot dogs for dinner and iPads all day, it's okay. This is hard. Don't beat yourself up.

[Matthew C]

Thanks everyone.  I've been turning on autopilot alot lately.  It's basically waves of grief.  I'll let it in and it passes.  Randomly.  Usually while driving alone or in the morning when everyone else is asleep.  It's nice to put words down and talk to people in similar situations.  Nothing like this has happened to anyone I know.  I miss having a companion.  The connection to someone.  My mother says I'm young and I'll meet someone in time.  That doesn't make me feel better.  I'm terrified of the future now.  Before, I didn't care.  We had each other and that was enough.  Now I don't know what happens next.  I'm trying to go 1 day at a time.  Tomorrow is a luxury that we may not have.  This has taught me to make today count.  I regret not doing more while she was here.

[RichS]

2 hours ago, Matthew C said:

  I'm trying to go 1 day at a time.  Tomorrow is a luxury that we may not have.  This has taught me to make today count. 

You're already on the right road in your grief journey. Lots of folks here will agree that "ONE DAY AT A TIME" is the best route to go.

[Jemiga70]

On 6/24/2023 at 6:08 PM, Matthew C said:

Her passing was sudden and unexpected.

@Matthew C I'm so sorry Matthew.  My wife was 49 and passed suddenly and unexpectedly 26 months ago today of all things. We didn't have children. I commend you for being there for yours despite the anguish you're in. I understand about the weekends and future plans that will not happen.  I will just say don't expect too much of yourself in these early days. Try to focus on the basics: minding your children, sleeping, eating something, drinking enough water, only doing what needs to be done.... I encourage you to read and / or post here as a way of understanding and venting if it helps. Lots of folks here who've been walking similar journeys and they get it in their own way.  Take care,

[Matthew C]

I have bee doing some soul searching over the last month.  I have rekindled freindships that had been long neglected. I have ugly-cried and whimpered. Mostly, I have bonded with my children in a way that makes me ashamed we weren't this way before.  I had given my wife so much of myself that I never realized the neglected relationships it left behind. I am still devasted at the loss but so fortunate to have all these people who still love me.  Granted, it will never be the same, it is softening the despair. I am still sad at times but I am at least hopeful now.  I can appreciate what we had and still be excited for the future.

[RichS]

49 minutes ago, Matthew C said:

I have rekindled freindships that had been long neglected. I have ugly-cried and whimpered. Mostly, I have bonded with my children in a way that makes me ashamed we weren't this way before.

There's an old saying that goes through my mind more often these days than ever before, "Better Late Than Never." What you've done are positive steps toward the healing process. One of the many things I've noticed in the grieving journey is that it gives you the time to reflect on the years you had together with your spouse/partner. Remembering funny moments, the challenges as well as better understanding your partner as well as yourself.