Roller Coaster Ride

[Nancy2]

Almost 3 months into the loss, and I am on a tumultuous roller coaster ride.  People said that would happen, but I didn't know what it meant.  I can be in my house alone and feel OK.  I guess when people ask widows/widowers if they are OK, and they say yes, at that particular moment they may be feeling OK, or they are lying.  And sometimes I feel like I am getting better.  But then out of nowhere, even without any triggers, I feel just awful, still in shock and still so devastated.  I am taking buspirone, which helps me not dwell on guilt and what-ifs because without the medicine, I don't know what would happen to me.  At least I don't go over and over again in my head all of my mistakes and disappointments.  This roller coaster ride goes up and down over and over again even on the same day, even in a matter of hours or less.  One minute I'm OK, and the next minute I am not OK.  But when people ask me how I am doing, I tell the truth.  I don't sugar coat it, and I seem to have good friends, which helps, but friends are no panacea.

[KayC]

This is to be expected. I'm glad you are open and honest with them.

[RichS]

Nancy:  I can relate to your situation. There are days when I can cope better than other days. Even within the same day, I can feel fine in the morning and become depressed in the afternoon. I am also taking an anti-depressant which has not only helped me in years past, but also over the last year. I have a ways to go before I can start feeling some joy in life. I am fortunate  that I have family and friends who care. Still, I struggle every day. Everything looks the same but feels different is the best way I can describe my current state of mind.

[shawnt]

I feel the same, one day , one hour and then.... the despair. For me I think it's the expectations we had, future plans and then the realization that the door to that is permanently closed. When I can look ahead again with anticipation and the hope of joy or just plain old fun is when I will know I am on a new path. So far my heart keeps leading me to a closed door.

My oldest son has a girlfriend who might be the one for him. I was watching them and day dreaming and thought about grandkids and holding a new baby and how good they smell and how much I might like to spoil a grandchild and POW ; I realized my Suzy would never get to love that child and we would never get to babysit for the weekend , door slam. I have to find a way to daydream that doesn't hurt.

[Nancy2]

9 hours ago, RichS said:

Nancy:  I can relate to your situation. There are days when I can cope better than other days. Even within the same day, I can feel fine in the morning and become depressed in the afternoon. I am also taking an anti-depressant which has not only helped me in years past, but also over the last year. I have a ways to go before I can start feeling some joy in life. I am fortunate  that I have family and friends who care. Still, I struggle every day. Everything looks the same but feels different is the best way I can describe my current state of mind.

Yes, that's a good way of putting it.  Everything around us is the same, but so different for us.

[Nancy2]

16 minutes ago, shawnt said:

I feel the same, one day , one hour and then.... the despair. For me I think it's the expectations we had, future plans and then the realization that the door to that is permanently closed. When I can look ahead again with anticipation and the hope of joy or just plain old fun is when I will know I am on a new path. So far my heart keeps leading me to a closed door.

My oldest son has a girlfriend who might be the one for him. I was watching them and day dreaming and thought about grandkids and holding a new baby and how good they smell and how much I might like to spoil a grandchild and POW ; I realized my Suzy would never get to love that child and we would never get to babysit for the weekend , door slam. I have to find a way to daydream that doesn't hurt.

I feel the same way about the wedding for my daughter that is coming up and grandkids he will never see.  It is all so unfair.  What did he do to deserve this?  He was a good person, and so many bad people live on and on in perfect health.  I am just venting now.  I try not to think that way.

[MichiganDaniel]

I’m happy for those of you who have children and close friends. I have work, which gives me a reason to get up each day. But on the weekends I am like a boat floating still on a lake without anything on the horizon. No direction. No movement. Just holding on until annother day drains. What next? What project? I can’t even start watching a new show without noticing that she can’t see it with me. Every day is just a waste of time. I keep expecting to eventually become energized by some project, to finally see something on the horizon to paddle toward. I’m just a cast away, floating alone on an endless ocean, full of apathy and boredom and disgust with my apathy and boredom.

This is not me. I’m a shattered echo of who I could have been. I know that none of this honors the love she had for me. She would want better for me, and for me to find better for myself. She didn’t want to leave me. She didn’t want any of this for me. But the cruel twist is that the one person who could help me through this is gone. I’m alone, and right now I just don’t have the energy to start another quixotic adventure amid the madness of the world.

The good new is that I think I am starting to feel a restlessness that willeventually drive me to pick up the oars and do something. Maybe that will turn into something, but right now it still feels so pointless. 

[LMR]

 I was thinking about just that yesterday. I was sitting on the sofa staring at the wall. Not wanting to do anything, not wanting to see anyone. I wasn't bored, just empty. I realised that the part of me that enjoyed stimulation and interaction just isn't here anymore. That part of me he took that with him.

[Nancy2]

23 minutes ago, MichiganDaniel said:

I’m happy for those of you who have children and close friends. I have work, which gives me a reason to get up each day. But on the weekends I am like a boat floating still on a lake without anything on the horizon. No direction. No movement. Just holding on until annother day drains. What next? What project? I can’t even start watching a new show without noticing that she can’t see it with me. Every day is just a waste of time. I keep expecting to eventually become energized by some project, to finally see something on the horizon to paddle toward. I’m just a cast away, floating alone on an endless ocean, full of apathy and boredom and disgust with my apathy and boredom.

This is not me. I’m a shattered echo of who I could have been. I know that none of this honors the love she had for me. She would want better for me, and for me to find better for myself. She didn’t want to leave me. She didn’t want any of this for me. But the cruel twist is that the one person who could help me through this is gone. I’m alone, and right now I just don’t have the energy to start another quixotic adventure amid the madness of the world.

The good new is that I think I am starting to feel a restlessness that will eventually drive me to pick up the oars and do something. Maybe that will turn into something, but right now it still feels so pointless. 

I feel all of that too, and you said it so well.  I am trying to find joy.  I go out to eat with friends and am traveling to far away places.  My husband could help me through a lot too, and he would be the perfect person now to help me cope with the trauma of losing him, but that is not happening.  I try to think of what he would tell me to do. But I don't just feel bad for myself.  I feel bad that he got a raw deal.  

[MichiganDaniel]

26 minutes ago, Nancy2 said:

But I don't just feel bad for myself.  I feel bad that he got a raw deal.  

So much! She deserved so much better than how it all turned out. 

[RichS]

1 hour ago, MichiganDaniel said:

The good new is that I think I am starting to feel a restlessness that willeventually drive me to pick up the oars and do something. Maybe that will turn into something, but right now it still feels so pointless. 

I'm beginning to realize the restlessness is a positive thing when grieving. The fact that you're even feeling this way is a good sign that eventually "move around" a little more; which is something that I'm currently struggling with as well. Oh, the excuses I can come up with when I just want to stay home!