Progress?

[LMR]

Feeling kind of numb I went on this site this morning and pulled up my old posts. The first ones. Reading them does make it clear that I have made some progress, I was a total wreck the first year, the pain though still there is less debilitating now even if I sometimes slip back into the abyss. It has helped to see how far I have come because the early days are a complete fog in my memory.

Just another way this site has helped me to cope. On that thought I realise that some of the amazing people who have supported me are no longer posting......BBB, Annie, Yoli, Perro J, and of course tnd. If you still read here let us know how you are doing

Sunday would be our anniversary. 47 years married. 50 years together.

[RichS]

Glad to hear that you’re doing much better. I’m only 10 months into it and feeling that I’ve got a ways to go before I can get to where you are. Hopefully I will, someday.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, LMR said:

The first ones. Reading them does make it clear that I have made some progress

I have done this too, you look back to that first year and wonder how in the world you lived through it.

4 hours ago, LMR said:

Sunday would be our anniversary. 47 years married. 50 years together.

Will be thinking of you...

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, LMR said:

Sunday would be our anniversary. 47 years married. 50 years together.

I will be sending comfort and love to you.  Monday would be our 40th anniversary.  We knew each other for almost 3 years before that.  The day for me is now bittersweet, instead of just bitter as it was the first 3 years, but it will always be hard to face.

[KayC]

3 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

Monday would be our 40th anniversary.

I will be holding you in my thought s and prayers as well.

[Sheilz]

This board is wonderful and I never thought of it as a way to look at your progress.  I'm not going to look at mine yet because it's too soon but I hope to be able to look back and see progress of some sort.  I, too, have a long way to go.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I'm not going to look at mine yet because it's too soon but I hope to be able to look back and see progress of some sort. 

You will, when you're further along your journey.  Your loss is so fresh and raw that just getting out of bed and getting dressed probably seems a triumph.  And that's because it is!  Just breathing through the day is so hard at first.  Anything, absolutely anything, you manage to "get done" on any given day is the teeniest of moves forward.

It wasn't until I was well into my second year that I was able to look back, including reading my stream of consciousness journal and poems, and see that I had taken little steps forward, one by one.  At first, I couldn't see any way forward and believed smiling, laughing, and feeling life is worth living would never happen for me again.  These past 2 years (as you can see, I'm fast approaching 5 years) have been difficult, but easier than the first few were, as I've been able to take the crushing weight of my grief and learn to carry it.  It's a heavy burden to be sure, but carrying both my grief and my love has allowed me to find a different life with a "smaller" happiness.  It took into my 4th year to start feeling small joys day to day as I learned to live without my one essential love.  I still have bad days, but they don't drag me into the dark abyss for weeks at a time now.  What once were tsunamis of pain are now waves and I am now strong enough to stand and let them wash over me.  I feel no guilt for the days that life feels bleak, just as I no longer consider every smile or laugh a betrayal of John's love and our life together.

As we know, everyone is different and our grief journeys are unique, so my timeline may not be yours.  Each one is "the right way" to grieve.  Being here has been a true grace in my life because I know that when I falter or when I fall, I can reach out and the wonderful members here will help me up and offer comfort and care.  I am very lucky to have two small circles of family and friends (one local; one a few hours away in our "home town" area).  They were with me and John during his cancer fight.  They're here for me to this day and many of our bonds have only grown stronger because we no longer take time for granted.

I hope so much that being here helps you now and as you travel forward.  We're on our unique paths, but we walk the same painful road together.💗

[shawnt]

Happy anniversary. Thank you for your post. I didn't think I was getting anywhere but I did like you and re-read a lot of back posts and I can see I am not quite in the pit of despair I was, maybe I am clawing at the edge and that's progress,thank you for making me think.

[LMR]

If my post helped one person feel there was a little hope then I am happy. I had thought I was back sliding so I was surprised that I could see so much improvement in myself.

Thank you all for the anniversary wishes. It has not been a terrible day. A few tears this morning, then I took out some of his previous cards and put them on the shelf. Talked to him a while. I'm trying not to be too down. I know tonight will be tough but meanwhile I am trying to keep a positive outlook.

[KayC]

On 6/24/2023 at 1:23 AM, LMR said:

Sunday would be our anniversary. 47 years married. 50 years together.

So amazing! 

[Sheilz]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

You will, when you're further along your journey.  Your loss is so fresh and raw that just getting out of bed and getting dressed probably seems a triumph.  And that's because it is!  Just breathing through the day is so hard at first.  Anything, absolutely anything, you manage to "get done" on any given day is the teeniest of moves forward.

It wasn't until I was well into my second year that I was able to look back, including reading my stream of consciousness journal and poems, and see that I had taken little steps forward, one by one.  At first, I couldn't see any way forward and believed smiling, laughing, and feeling life is worth living would never happen for me again.  These past 2 years (as you can see, I'm fast approaching 5 years) have been difficult, but easier than the first few were, as I've been able to take the crushing weight of my grief and learn to carry it.  It's a heavy burden to be sure, but carrying both my grief and my love has allowed me to find a different life with a "smaller" happiness.  It took into my 4th year to start feeling small joys day to day as I learned to live without my one essential love.  I still have bad days, but they don't drag me into the dark abyss for weeks at a time now.  What once were tsunamis of pain are now waves and I am now strong enough to stand and let them wash over me.  I feel no guilt for the days that life feels bleak, just as I no longer consider every smile or laugh a betrayal of John's love and our life together.

As we know, everyone is different and our grief journeys are unique, so my timeline may not be yours.  Each one is "the right way" to grieve.  Being here has been a true grace in my life because I know that when I falter or when I fall, I can reach out and the wonderful members here will help me up and offer comfort and care.  I am very lucky to have two small circles of family and friends (one local; one a few hours away in our "home town" area).  They were with me and John during his cancer fight.  They're here for me to this day and many of our bonds have only grown stronger because we no longer take time for granted.

I hope so much that being here helps you now and as you travel forward.  We're on our unique paths, but we walk the same painful road together.💗

You give me hope that I will smile again.  Maybe not in the same way or as brightly as I use to smile but a smile is a smile.  But it just seems so far away and such a long hard painful road getting there.  Do I have the strength???  But I will try my best to get there because I know Brian doesn't want me to fall apart & never smile again.  He wants me to remember our life with happiness & smiles, not sorrow & tears.  I hope I don't disappoint him.