Not the first ALONE post

[WithoutHer]

It's been a hard day for me. I like many here am doing this alone am about 4-1/2 months and have only had a few scattered moments of slight normal feelings. For some reason again after doing some reading of others experiences my mind decided to flashback on my years with Vickie and out this loneliness I had to tell all those mind flashes From our first chat on Experience Project, where we met and the best social site that ever existed, to our deciding to meet, her first week trip her, the wonderful time we had together and the decision to her coming to live in this tiny old farmhouse lower level apartment. She made it the mostly empty space I moved into a little over a year earlier into our home.

I remember the rental van and the 900 mile to pick her up over the holidays and meet her family and got their approval and we had a long tiring but enjoyable Christmas Eve drive back. Christmas day was our anniversary together every year. We were so very happy together in our little world for 11 years. Even after her heart surgery she sprung back and for 3 years we almost doing things as normal. Then without all the details she started on downhill turn the heart she loved with couldn't maintain her any longer. I've used those words before but I will always refer to her passing in that way.

Now that world is empty and full of loneliness and I have no where to share these moments. I know more of these are going to come and like today I will be experiencing the emotions and tears on my own.

My heart goes out to all of you going through the same and wish you the strength to get to the other side of them no matter how painful they are.

We may not like or even know yet who we are without our partner but we have to fight through the downs for their sake. I believe Vickie would want me to continue my love for her but also survive and take care of myself and I believe all your partners would want the same for you.

 

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, Gator M said:

I feel very much alone also. I sure wish I was no longer here.

I doubt my kids even care.

 

Gator I have to say this and can't let it go. Your Ann wants you to make the best of what's left of your life whether you feel that way or not. In reading all your posts I believe she would be disappointed in your constant death wish. If I crossed a line here well that's just to bad for me. Vickie was far more spiritual than I and loved life and yes our lives suck without them but I know she would be appalled if I wanting my own passing.

I'll probably get in trouble for this but I'm having just as hard time as you and unlike me there are people in your life whether you can deal with them or not. I don't even have that choice.

So get your thoughts together and try to live for Ann.

If I get booted for being too harsh so be it but we are here to listen and help each other and believe it or not I really am trying to help you.

[shawnt]

I think this requires a new way of looking at the world. Like it or not I am not the same person I was and now the task is trying to live a life worth living. I'm of the same belief that my sweet wife would not want me to spend my life in a lonely desert, I still have to be a father(& mother) and a friend to the people I love. I don't know how to do it yet, but I think she would be disappointed in me if I could not fill my role and become a lost soul. For now though I have a very hard time seeing a way past the pain and the simple fact of missing her. 

I miss so much the comfort and fulfilment that she gave me and I doubt that will ever be mine again, can I take comfort in the knowledge that I did have it?

It is better to have loved and lost blah, blah, blah. Don't believe that yet, but I do believe my life would have been a shallow existence without her and I am a better person because of her and it might be an insult to her if I waste what is left.Not living up to what she would have expected feels like a betrayal of our life together.

I don't mind being alone, but I suffer without her if that makes sense to anyone.

I am sorry something about this has thrown me off a cliff and I can't quite grasp what I really mean.

[KayC]

I would rather have loved and lost than to have not known him.  He is the only man (out of six major relationships) who ever truly loved me. Not like I didn't try.  I didn't meet him until my mid-40s, and we only knew each other for 6 1/2 years but our love carries me through this life of aloneness.

[WithoutHer]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I would rather have loved and lost than to have not known him.  He is the only man (out of six major relationships) who ever truly loved me. Not like I didn't try.  I didn't meet him until my mid-40s, and we only knew each other for 6 1/2 years but our love carries me through this life of aloneness.

100% agree. Vickie and I both had awful relationships before we met. Both of us were the happiest we had ever been for 11 years. I wouldn't trade this pain of losing her over never having met her for anything. I wouldn't be feeling this grief if our love wasn't the strongest we both were to blessed to have together.

[Sheilz]

23 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

We may not like or even know yet who we are without our partner but we have to fight through the downs for their sake. I believe Vickie would want me to continue my love for her but also survive and take care of myself and I believe all your partners would want the same for you.

That is the only thing that keeps me going & trying so hard.  I know Brian wouldn't want me so sad all the time.  But, boy, I miss him & need his help sometimes.  Wish I had some kind of sign.  

 

11 hours ago, shawnt said:

For now though I have a very hard time seeing a way past the pain and the simple fact of missing her. 

Same here.  Hopefully I can become a good kind person that helps people.... like he was.  But I can't help myself yet.