I lost my husband of 41 years

[Elaine Evans]

I lost my husband of 41 years on May 26, 2023. He was 59 years old and healthy. He went to the gym daily, ate right and always tried to keep a positive attitude. We married at age 18 so we basically grew up together. He had a massive stroke and the brain bleed was too much to repair. We were together when it occurred. He was driving on a busy road, but managed to pull over the car without incident. My granddaughter who was with us called 911 immediately. He could no longer speak but he looked me in my eyes and there was something about that look that frightened the hell out of me.  He was put on a ventilator and 5 days later he took his last breath.

I have NEVER felt so much pain in my life! I miss everything about him - his laugh, his fussiness, his smile, his protection, his words of wisdom, and his physical presence. I cry all day. I'm scared. I don't know what life looks like for me without him. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't eat. I have zero motivation. My heart feels like it is physically hurting. I miss him terribly. I do not how people manage after losing someone they loved so much. 

I question myself why I didn't see signs of high blood pressure and get him treatment. I'm angry that he did't check his blood pressure & get treated. I am angry that this very good & loving man is no longer here. I still smell his cigar smoke. He was a girl dad and papa. He loved them with his whole heart. He was a football coach who mentored many, many kids fr decades. 

This pain is worse tht anything I have ever experienced. I really have n idea what to do.

[KayC]

I am so sorry!  Welcome to our site, I know you're rather not have cause to be here, I get it, we all do, but being as we are going through this, it helps to have a safe place where others get it and understand.  This place is kind of like a family, from all over.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[WithoutHer]

6 hours ago, Elaine Evans said:

I question myself why I didn't see signs of high blood pressure and get him treatment. I'm angry that he did't check his blood pressure & get treated. I am angry that this very good & loving man is no longer here

Please don't put those feelings on yourself. The signs are not always there in advance. I survived a stroke six weeks to the day after losing my Vickie. I was lucky but still grieving through my miraculous fast recovery. There were no signs I was at risk accept I'm diabetic and was smoking. My medical check ups were always okay. The artery that caused it is in my right neck yet prior to that there was no reason to do a scan of that area.

I spent time thinking about how and why Vickie passed and realized given her health conditions there was nothing more to help her and I had to set aside any self anger and guilt. We were put together by fate and both enjoyed the best 11 years of our lives being together.

Your loss is leaving a gigantic hole in your world like the rest of here and everyone here knows exactly the feelings and emotions you are going through. Some of us like myself are going through it completely alone. So keep close to any family or friends you can for support and come to here to voice your feelings no matter what they are. This place is where everyone understands.

[RichS]

8 hours ago, Elaine Evans said:

I miss him terribly. I do not how people manage after losing someone they loved so much. 

Elaine:  All of us on this board are very sorry for your loss. We all have experienced the same grief you're going through at this time. I lost my wife of 42 years last August. This January I was fortunate enough to locate this board. Since then it has been a great blessing. The people on this board will listen to you, are sympathetic, comforting and will try to offer helpful advice. I encourage you to keep posting. We're here to help you as well as each other. WELCOME!!

[Elaine Evans]

Thank you

[Elaine Evans]

Thank you for your words. You are right, my grief is intense. I don’t want to feel vulnerable so I haven’t let a lot of people in because I don’t want another disappointment so I decided to reach out n this site. I’m hoping that talking to others who have gone through this will help me. 

I’m sorry about your loss as well. I understand the pain it causes and wish that none of us have to experience it. As much as I want to quit & give uP hope Im going to force myself to come to this site. I recognize how much my grief is impacting me. It’s a good thing I get an email because I probably wouldn’t come back. 

Today is a rainy day which makes it difficult.

Thank you for listening.

[MichiganDaniel]

On 6/22/2023 at 11:36 AM, Elaine Evans said:

 I don't want to get out of bed.

Weekends are difficult, and I spend a lot of time doing nothing. Lying in bed. Surviving. Thatks ok. I know it will change, but we need to be very gentle with ourselves and let us do what we need. My heart breaks for you.

It takes a long time for our brains to stop looking for our partner. Each memory brings another jolt. Anxiety. Shock. How to go on. What to do. Who are we now? No easy answers there. Questions we all have to help each other through. Coming her to put words to your sadness and fears can help.

Love and support and understanding are here.

[Elaine Evans]

This past weekend was horrible for me. So many memories. Triggers. Sadness. Anger and anxiety. Our brains remember so much & there is extreme pain when what we know & love is gone. I was so hurt that I didn’t know if I could make it through, but it’s Monday and I’m here. 
 

My life had been jolted for sure and I am full of questions about my purpose. What’s next for me and how do I live without my husband? 
Thank you for your support!

[DMB]

I am very sorry for your loss.  What a shocking story.  My husband died at age 60 of lung cancer.  Even though we saw it coming, it is so hard that they're just not here.  We were married 35 yrs.  It takes time and a little effort to keep going even though right now you are probably thinking what I was "I CAN"T DO THIS!!!" 

It's been 3 years for me, still miss him but I am doing better than I was.  Hang in there, we are all here for you.

[Elaine Evans]

I’m sorry for your loss. Losing someone you spent so much time sharing your life with is devastating. I know everyone is telling me it will get better, but when you are in the middle of a storm it really feels hopeless. Today I got out of bed before 1. I’m still not sleeping or eating well. Everything reminds me of him. I’m have faith & believe God didn’t put me here to watch me suffer. Coming here and sharing how I feel and hearing what others are going through it have been through somehow helps. I pray that God continues to give you strength.

[Gail 8588]

Elaine, 

Welcome to our group. We are so sorry you have reason to join us. None of us wanted this. 

You are so early in your grief, still really in shock, the pain is raw and relentless. Our minds struggle to make sense of what has happened, often grasping at straws of why didn't I do ....,  how could I have missed ....,  why didn't I get him to better doctors ....,  somehow it's my fault he's gone, I should have saved him ...,  how could he leave me like this, I so angry, abandoned, scared....

Somehow you have to quiet your mind and just breathe.  There is no making sense of what has happened.  It just is. 

Lean on friends and family to help you.  Accept that you have suffered a traumatic injury, the loss of your soulmate, and you need time to heal.  Brain fog in grief is a very real thing.  It is hard to make decisions, control your emotions, or focus your attention on tasks.  Be patient with yourself.  Be kind and forgiving to yourself. 

Don't try to figure out the future right now. It is too overwhelming.  Just try to do those tasks that must be done today. Everything else can wait.  What must be done today is usually  manageable. 

It is a lot right now just to  eat something nutritious, bathe, and get some sleep each day.  It's okay if that is all you can do. 

Sometimes going back to work can be easier than being at home, though you may find you have trouble focusing your mind on your on work. 

Just be kind to yourself. This is really hard.   We know, our lives have been shattered too. 

I am so sorry for your loss.

Gail

 

[Elaine Evans]

Thank you Gail. You just described exactly what I am going through. Today, I can’t seem to manage doing anything. All I want to do is nothing. I’m sad and angry. I questioned myself this morning. Why didn’t I? Why did he? Why? Why? Why? I feel like I don’t have a future without him. I just don’t know right now how to manage anything. I want to honor him & his life, and who he was. It’s hard managing each day.

[KayC]

2 minutes ago, Elaine Evans said:

I want to honor him & his life, and who he was.

And you will, all in due time, it's only been a month, you do well to get out of bed each day.

[Elaine Evans]

That’s really hard.

[Wavesnsky]

Elaine, so very sorry to hear about your loss. This is a great group of people who understands and really desires to help. It is an emotional roller coaster at first. There were many days when I knew there were things I should do, but I did absolutely nothing. I just couldn’t process the next thought or task nor did I care. Which is out of character for me. I’ve always been productive oriented to get things done. We each have our own journey and it’s not the same path for any two people. Take things slow, don’t make any big life decisions. Just focus on yourself. It has been almost 22 weeks since my Suzy’s passing. My progress has been minimal, but I have made progression.  So that’s positive. It’s still a raw emotion. I am now busy throughout the day and that helps me cope. I talk and spend time with my kids and grandkids more and that helps. There are still many blessings in my life that God has provided. Take care of you.

[Elaine Evans]

That is where I am. I understand the [ai of losing Suzy. I can relate to not accomplishing anything. I know there are things to do, but I can't manage to do anything. This week was a horrible week for me. I didn't want to talk or eat. I just want to sleep & cry. I cannot manage to motivate myself to get out of bed. One day I got out of bed at 7:45 pm. I just don't know how I will ever manage losing my husband:( I skipped going to a grief counselor because I just couldn't manage.

[RichS]

52 minutes ago, Gator M said:

This is very early on.  Please take care of yourself and be gentle.  Your grief is yours.  You've made a big step by coming here and posting...it helps me.

We're here for you.  I'm praying for you.  You're not alone, you are not crazy, and you are not broken.  You need to be heard and listened to.  

Your grief will get less painful but you'll never forget.  

Elaine:  Gator's words explain it better than I could. My only advice to you is to keep your next appointment with your grief counselor. They are there to help you. And yes, our prayers are with you.

[Elaine Evans]

🙏

 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Elaine Evans said:

I skipped going to a grief counselor because I just couldn't manage.

And that's okay, they should understand.

1 hour ago, RichS said:

keep your next appointment with your grief counselor. They are there to help you.

But maybe she's not ready yet. 
https://pathwayshealth.org/grief-support/when-is-the-best-time-to-seek-bereavement-services/