They adored me and I took them for granted

[NotAgain]

Since 2019 I’ve lost 3 beautiful young women that were very close to me. One was my best friend for a period of time. We loved each other but knew neither of us were in a position to fall in love as we were both in recovery. Let’s call her shauna. Shauna passed away from an overdose after being clean for a long period of time. Shauna was just 27. A sweet young girl we will call Michelle who absolutely adored me was by my side for several weeks and months while I mourned shauna and I did not give her the love she deserved. We had great times but often the night would end with me crying listening to a song that that reminded me of Shauna. Michelle put up with that for longer than anyone should have had to and I never loved her back the way she deserved. She would have done anything to take my pain away and I can’t imagine what it must have felt like for her to see me like that and me not realize how great of a girl she was to me. Our relationship had an ugly end bc of me. We reconciled somewhat. Then about 18 months after Shauna passed I got the call that Michelle  had to passed away at 23. Again it was an overdose. I don’t know who she became involved with but it was so unlike the Michelle I knew to take hard drugs. 23 and gone. And I never told her how much she meant to me for helping me through my most difficult time. My most difficult time until now. I found out just a few days ago the woman I have been dating since august of last year passed away suddenly in her 30’s. Let’s call her kate. Kate was a great woman. A great mother. We excited each other. We were falling in love and it was great. We had a date scheduled the night I leanred of her passing. I am devastated. Why is this happening…..I have not always treated people the way I should and I have caused much sadness but this is too much. Have I somehow caused a least some of this. Like if I had been nicer or a better friend/lover/person would maybe one of them still be a alive? Could I have bought them another day hour minute if I had been better to them? I’m the common denominator. I feel like such a piece of ****. I can’t believe it’s happened again. Kate was so nice. She was so much better than me. And she made me believe I could be better. Shortly before she passed I withdrew somewhat  from the relationship for a short time and Kate felt like she had done something wrong or that she was to blame. I can’t imagine what must have gone through her head. I tried to explain it wasn’t her fault and that she had done everything right and I had issues I need to work on and we were so excited to see each other after going through that and I wanted to show her and tell her how I truly felt and she died of a heart condition before I saw her again. I broke her heart and weeks later she dies from a heart condition. I’m am so devastated right now.