Found out the woman I was seeing is married

[NotAgain]

Last week I was excited and getting ready for a date with the beautiful woman I had been dating for about 9-10 months. I text her to see if we were still on for 7. Didn’t hear back. Finally at 830 my phone rang and her name on caller ID. A man who said he was her husband told me she had passed away. I didn’t know she was still married I thought she was divorced. He told me they had discussed the idea of an open relationship and that he didn’t know the nature of my relationship with her but she had at least mentioned my name to him bc he knew of me. Her funeral is in 2 days and I really want to go but is it ok for me to go? I am absolutely devastated by her loss. She was in her mid 30’s and I can’t believe she is gone. I’m unsure if it’s appropriate to go but I’m just hoping I can see her one last time to say good bye. I know that’s selfish. While her husband may be aware of her relationship the rest of her family may not be and I don’t want them to think any differently of her or cause them any grief but I know I will regret it forever if I don’t go. I would appreciate everyone’s opinion on this. Thank you. 

[shawnt]

You don't have to define your relationship, if asked(which you probably won't be) you just say you were a friend. Funerals are for the living so if you need to go ; go. My 2 cents. 

A brief warning I have been to several since I lost my wife and they were very triggering and really brought the pain to the surface. 

[Sparky1]

I would go if I were you, you don't want to live with the regret for the rest of your life. You loved her and you didn't know she was still married, her husband should understand. It wasn't your fault she didn't tell you. 

[KayC]

Go.  And I am so sorry for your loss.  You have nothing to feel guilty about, you didn't know. It would have been nice if she'd told you she was married and that they had an open relationship, but she didn't.  
Welcome to our group.  Come here and read/post any time, it helps.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

Not Again:  I am so sorry for the recent events that happened in your life. Please continue to post on this board. Everyone here expresses their feelings of grief and that's healthy for all of us. We're all here to offer each other sympathy, comfort and advice when we can. WELCOME!!

[NotAgain]

Thank you to everyone that has taken the time to reply. It really does make a difference knowing people want to help. I struggled with wether or not I should go all day. What it came down to was the fact her husband called me to let me know she had passed and we talked for about 15 minutes and he was extremely cordial.  So I went. And of course the instant after I sign in there’s her husband greeting everyone as they arrive. I shook his hand and introduced myself.  I immediately felt like I didn’t belong there. I sat at the back staring at the floor wishing I hadn’t gone. This went on for more than an hour until her husband spoke. I sat up straight and looked in his direction while he spoke and the discomfort finally started to lessen. 
That sucked. 
but thank you to everyone. I’ll keep posting. You people are great. 

[NotAgain]

I don’t know if it was the right thing to do. I’m thankful he was able to handle it well. I don’t feel any better after going. I was hoping to see her a final time and that was not an option. I’m sad and feel like a piece of **** for being sad and for going kinda. 

[DWS]

1 hour ago, NotAgain said:

I’m sad and feel like a piece of **** for being sad and for going kinda. 

This woman captured your heart and her passing is a big loss for you. Your sadness and feeling devastated is totally valid despite the information that you discovered after the fact. That knowledge mixes everything up for you now in regards to the type of relationship that you thought you had with her but it doesn't change what the reality of her passing and her sudden absence means for you. As for not feeling much "better" after going to the funeral, that's something that was never going to happen because of how much she did mean to you. None of us can expect to feel lighter when our feelings are so raw in those initial weeks after someone we cared for dies. Go gentler on yourself. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Gator M said:

It's done...don't guilt out.  You went to honor her.  You didn't know.  You sure don't need any more to add to your grief.

Couldn't have put it better.  You have nothing to feel guilty about.  Years ago I was engaged to someone for a year back in my stupid days. (A nice way of describing grief fog and the stupidity of trying to rebuild my life...which I discovered couldn't be done...not saying for everyone, but for me).  After 13 years I discovered he'd lied to me about being divorced. That is a betrayal I can't fathom, let alone get over...we had parted friends, everything built on a lie. He and his wife just celebrated their 50th this year in January.  I'm still stunned. We even went to premarital counseling.  Who does this!

Your situation differs from mine, but just saying, not all guilt belongs to us just because we were told one thing that differs from actuality.

You made it through the memorial...I hope it helped you in some way...

[NotAgain]

A day later and I do feel much better. I'm still very sad but I have a sense of relief or something I don't know exactly what the feeling is. I'm having these incredibly brief moments that start as a thought as if she were still alive and then reality hits hard. and I have not so brief anxiety that feels like like the anxiety when you know theres something you need to, like something unfinished or unsettled. I had thought of us in future tense quite a bit as one does when excited about a new relationship. today was a much better day. I made it to the gym and ran into an old friend that lost a son a couple years back and he was able to offer some words of encouragement and it seems like in small ways the universe is rewarding me when i make good decisions. basically when i met her i was a mess and not in a good place. but she brought out the best in me from the minute we met. I've learned so much about life in the last few days I hope I retain it all. If i can become a bettter person, the person she believed I was,  then I will have a part of her with me the rest of my life. that would be incredible. that probably sounds cheesy as **** but its real to me as I write this. 

 

This is turning into more of a journal for me now so I understand some or all will check out but if youre reading this THANK YOU. Every word you have left here has helped me.  much appreciated. I will pay it forward in any way thta presents itself. 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, NotAgain said:

that probably sounds cheesy as **** but its real to me as I write this. 

No, it's not cheesy, it's something many of us feel.

[shawnt]

I agree. When we meet and love someone they change us forever, if we are lucky it is for the better.

[RichS]

13 hours ago, NotAgain said:

A day later and I do feel much better. I'm still very sad but I have a sense of relief or something I don't know exactly what the feeling is. I'm having these incredibly brief moments that start as a thought as if she were still alive and then reality hits hard.

Last night while watching TV, I had what I could best describe as a "5 second intervention" by either God or the Holy Spirit. During that time an unspoken feeling said, "It's not your time yet." I didn't take it as an impending sign of death. Rather, I took it as a sign of better days to come.