My dog was poisoned and I am lost without her

[CamdenPeach]

Hi there, I’m new here and wanted to share my story in the hopes of relieving some of the deep guilt and trauma I feel. My beautiful sweet girl Peach, we lost her in November 2022 after two solid months of IV drips and medications in the vet, we had to make the decision to end her pain. 
 

I am convinced she ate something on a walk. I brought her and our other dog to a field near our house where I never usually walk them. I was short on time and needed to throw the ball for our other dog to get her energy out. I was distracted, we had lots going on at the time, and I wasn’t paying attention. There was a lot of long grass and I’m convinced Peach ate poison that was laid down for rodents. I have no proof at all but her sudden decline and acute kidney failure are hallmarks of poisoning. She was only 4 years old so there is no other reason why this would happen. 
 

Looking back on old photos and messages between me and my husband, in the days that followed, we were talking about how peach was suddenly off her food and didn’t want to walk. I’m putting 2 and 2 together in my head and we will never know the true reason why this happened, but I will forever blame myself.  She was a fussy thing at times so it wouldn’t have been totally unusual for her not to eat all her dinner etc, which led us to not seek treatment until a full week later when she started vomiting. I was so wrapped up on other things at the time that now seem so trivial, I didn’t notice my sweet girls decline soon enough.
 

I’m still completely and utterly devastated by her loss. She was our first dog together, our first baby. She made us a family. She was a dog that loves cuddles and being up in your arms. We took her everywhere, on buses, into pubs and restaurants, everywhere. Everyone loved her and admired her. We have two other dogs, one who we got after Peach to help our other dog who was left behind. we love them both but neither of them are like Peach and haven’t filled the void I feel every single day without her. I am still utterly devastated and nobody seems to understand. When I confided in a friend that I still become tearful (more like sobbing!) about Peach, her response was “still”?? This was only about a month after she died. 
 

when will it get easier, how can I stop blaming myself? My husband buries his grief and almost seems irritated that  I’m still so upset. I really can’t believe she won’t be on my future. I loved her so much 

[CamdenPeach]

[KayC]

I am so sorry for the loss of your dog, it's the hardest thing in the world, they're in our lives day in, day out, interacting with us, so loving and forgiving and give us so much more than we could ever give them, and it breaks my heart they don't live as long as they should.

My heart goes out to you in your loss.  

 

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

 

We don't know what we don't know until it's often after the fact.  Try to be understanding and gentle with yourself.  Sending you hugs.