Loss of mother

[Missing mother]

Hi,

My mother passed three months ago and it is so difficult. People have been supportive but many feel that it is time to move on. Any tips on the healing process?

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Do not listen to those that want you to "move on." It's for them, not you.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Traz]

Hi Missing Mother,

Kay above has some really good strategies and all I can add is that grief doesn't follow a linear pattern. It's all over the place. Three months after my mom passed, I was numb. No where near able to process my loss. 

It will be four years this September since her passing and while I'm coping and functional, I still have difficult days. 

What helped me: this site, allowing myself to express my grief, no matter what that looked like (crying, yelling etc) When we cry, endorphins are released and that's why you sometimes feel better afterward. I journalled a lot and wrote letters to my mom, I went for walks and listened to podcasts- some on grief, others on spiritual things, I was able to talk to my husband and sister about it... If you have someone to share your sorrow with, that really helps. Now I'm focused on doing something for myself after years of caring for other people. For me that is doing artwork and other creative things.

It's said over and over again, but grief really is a journey. People should not expect others to be able to 'move on' after 3 months. You do what is right for you and that is called self-care. 

I hope this helps a little bit,

Peace to you,

Traz

[dib2021]

Reading these responses was an aha moment.  It really helps to know you are not the only one feeling the way you do.  I agree, don't listen to people who tell you to move on.  Especially after 3 months!  And I never thought of it the way that KayC put it.  That makes a lot of sense.  Other people may care, but essentially they want you back to you.  They don't want to have to live with your sorrow, they want to go back to "normal" and happy.  Because it wasn't their loss, they can't really feel your pain.   In my experience with my father 2 years ago, and my mother 3 months ago (so I get where you are right now), there was a window where people wanted to let you talk.  After that, it was time to move on in their eyes.  I learned to shut it down, to internalize it and not really discuss it anymore.  That doesn't help a lot, and can be very isolating.  Groups like this help, grief groups at churches, and therapists.  Some people don't show their grief.  Others do.  The ones that do sometimes are judged for it, but in the long run, I truly think it's healthier to get it out.  Take a walk in the woods somewhere.  Be alone.  And let yourself cry.   Take moments when you are alone to sit with your grief and feel it.   And don't be embarrassed by it.  Remember her, and cry.  In the future, you may still cry, but you will smile as well.  Tears are a testament to your love for your mother.  Let them flow.  ❤️

 

[tinylin18]

My mother past six months ago today, so I don't think I can give the best advice. However, what I am learning is that time is irrelevant, and, in my experience, it hasn't diminished the pain. Yes, personally there have been moments when the pain is dulled, but it's still there. My guess is we just learned to live with it as best we can. Personally, I think I will always grieve the loss of my mother until the day comes when I can be with her again. I don't think there is a timeline on grieving. I feel like everyone is unique and has their own timeline and process. I feel like society may have unrealistic expectations in regard to grieving and unless you've lost someone you truly don't understand. My best regards to you and your grieving journey.