How to move on and help my teen

[50-Something-Mom]

My husband of 17 years committed suicide last fall. He suffered from depression stemming back to his childhood and he had a rough year battling cancer.  Sadly his depression coupled with his drinking caused a rift in our marriage and we had been more like roommates for the past 5 years or so.  It was difficult to constantly walk on eggshells wondering if the next thing I said would set him off.  It was also hard to live each day literally trying to keep someone alive.  I put up with years of accusations and gaslighting and yet I stayed.  I did my best to make him happy and keep our family together for our 13-year-old daughter.  My poor baby is the one who discovered her dad after he shot himself. 😢 She is still dealing with that trauma.

Meanwhile I have reconnected with a long lost love, the one who got away many years ago.  We found our way back to each other when we both felt dead inside and had lost ourselves.  Turns out the feelings we had for each other are still intact.  We are both in our 50's and realize that tomorrow is never promised and we want to live life to the fullest and be happy.  The problem is my 13-year-old who has never seen her mom with any other man but her dad.  I know it's very early in the grieving process for her so I'm trying to be sensitive to her feelings. I protected her from most of what her dad put me through so she doesn't realize we were over a long time ago.  She knows I loved her dad and knows did the best I could to make his life better and let him know he was loved and deserved to be happy, even though he didn't believe it while he was here on earth.

My old friend is a very sweet and understanding man who would never try to take the place of my kid's father (he raised a bonus daughter as his own with an ex-girlfriend after the girl's father died).   I hope that when she eventually sees that I am happy, it will bring her peace and let her know it's ok to be happy too.  Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and how you handled things with your grieving kiddo as you moved on. Thanks 

[KayC]

I am sorry for your loss, I know it's complicated as the relationship wasn't perfect, yet you're bound to grieve the good parts of him/the marriage.  I understand as I went through a loveless marriage for 23 years before we divorced and I met and married the love of my life...only to lose him a few years later to death.  My XH and I can be amicable but I, too, tried to shield my kids from things...yet they were astute and realized much of it on their own.

I would encourage you to go slow and not inundate your child with another person in your life just yet.  She is still very much grieving her dad. You also might want to consider a grief counselor for you both (separately).  I always encourage people to get to know themselves on their own before establishing any firm commitments to another relationship, it's very much a learning process, establishing your own identity...I have learned so much about myself in the last 18 years since losing my husband that I would not have known had I gotten into another relationship first.  Not saying you need 18 years though!

And welcome to our group.  It helps too read/post, to know you aren't alone, and to process your grief.  Eventually your daughter will process this and be more receptive to the idea, so long as you don't push her to accept before she is ready. 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[50-Something-Mom]

12 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am sorry for your loss, I know it's complicated as the relationship wasn't perfect, yet you're bound to grieve the good parts of him/the marriage.  I understand as I went through a loveless marriage for 23 years before we divorced and I met and married the love of my life...only to lose him a few years later to death.  My XH and I can be amicable but I, too, tried to shield my kids from things...yet they were astute and realized much of it on their own.

I would encourage you to go slow and not inundate your child with another person in your life just yet.  She is still very much grieving her dad. You also might want to consider a grief counselor for you both (separately).  I always encourage people to get to know themselves on their own before establishing any firm commitments to another relationship, it's very much a learning process, establishing your own identity...I have learned so much about myself in the last 18 years since losing my husband that I would not have known had I gotten into another relationship first.  Not saying you need 18 years though!

And welcome to our group.  It helps too read/post, to know you aren't alone, and to process your grief.  Eventually your daughter will process this and be more receptive to the idea, so long as you don't push her to accept before she is ready. 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

Thanks KayC, my daughter and I are both seeing therapists separately.  I appreciate your advice.   One good thing is that the old 'me' is reemerging, the feisty girl who wasn't afraid to stand up for herself.  My husband was a non-communicator and I sort of lost myself in our marriage. My family sees the old me coming back to life.

[KayC]

On 6/14/2023 at 10:20 AM, 50-Something-Mom said:

My family sees the old me coming back to life.

That's good.  My kids' dad didn't sleep with me the last 15 years of marriage, was very controlling and emotionally abusive, also quite the pretender, and seemed to care what others thought of him, just not me and the kids.  I know everyone's marriage is different, my late husband and I were truly soulmates and perhaps that is one reason I'm not married, there isn't another George.  Perhaps, if you will, see this man away from home, and take it slow, hear what your therapist says and take it into account. 

[Roxeanne]

3 hours ago, 50-Something-Mom said:

My family sees the old me coming back to life

I'm so sorry your daughter found his dad...it's a very trauma for her! And grief can be complicated for a little girl...

I'm glad you're coming back to life after hard years with your husband, you were so brave to stay with him to protect your little daughter...

Take your time  with your new love, be careful 'cos even if he is a nice man.. i'm afraid the little girl can't understand and maybe she will feel more alone.

You know the mind of teen daughters...they tend to idealize their lost parent...!

But you're a careful mother and i wish you and your daughter all the best!💕

 

 

 

[50-Something-Mom]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

That's good.  My kids' dad didn't sleep with me the last 15 years of marriage, was very controlling and emotionally abusive, also quite the pretender, and seemed to car what others thought of him, just not me and the kids.  I know everyone's marriage is different, my late husband and I were truly soulmates and perhaps that is one reason I'm not married, there isn't another George.  Perhaps, if you will, see this man away from home, and take it slow, hear what your therapist says and take it into account. 

My late husband and I did the best we could but we were not each other's "person".  He wasn't a bad guy, he was just so damaged (his words).  He never felt loved and didn't truly know how to love.   I will probably not marry again, it's too difficult to get out when you have made that commitment.

[KayC]

Mine was damaged from Viet Nam and wouldn't get help.

[RichS]

On 6/14/2023 at 12:51 PM, 50-Something-Mom said:

Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and how you handled

Once again, Kay is giving some solid advice. My wife has been gone 10 months today and I often reflect on the ups and downs of our 42 year marriage. I'm glad I married her; but I also hope to learn more about myself now that I'm a widower.  WELCOME TO THIS BOARD.........Here, you'll find a wealth of knowledge from our helpful members.