Multiple losses over a short period

[Carika]

I don't even know where to start.  My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in February, after almost 2 months of tests.  It is hard because we do not have medical aid and resources are few, especially after trying to get back on your feet from the financial impacts of Covid and not being able to work.  I live in South Africa and we straddled the two worlds of private and state care.  My mom would get to chemotherapy and there would be violent protests outside the hospital and all the cancer patients would be turned away as people were burning and breaking down.  I live far from her, but when the diagnosis came, I knew I had to get there and help take care of her.  The Lord in all his grace blessed us with 4 beautiful weeks, it was so special, things got better with her and it looked like the treatment was working.  The little flame of hope was being stoked.  She was sick, but she could still move around and her mind was crystal clear.  The night she died, she started coughing and I stayed with her and cared for her until the coughing became better and she was  calm till about 2am.  Early that morning my sister came shouting into the room, Mom has died, you killed her! You murdered her!  I ran to her room and found she was still living, my sister had a bizarre reaction, she went into a complete rage.  I phoned for help from the Hospice nurses and that made her even more angry and as I was sitting with my mom in my arms, she was screaming at me, but with my mom in-between us.  I told her to calm down and this is not the time and she went even worst.  She forbade the Hospice staff from entering her home.  I said to her this is my mom too, we don't know what is going on and I want them here, finally they were allowed in, my mom was already in a coma and a couple of hours later, she passed away.  My sister has always been a difficult person, that is why I live so far away, but my mom and I always had a very natural close bond and she hated that.  She would treat me as if I don't exist, its very weird and trying to explain anything else just leads to more fighting. So I knew that just going up there and living there for an extended period, would be stressful, but I knew that my Mom needed me and it was just such an honour to care for her.  In planning of the funeral, my sister just flipped out and it all fell on my shoulders.  She became extremely abusive towards me and I literally got on the bus straight after the funeral, but in it all, as my Mom was dying, I just kept on praying, it felt like the devil was chasing her soul to the bitter end with the screams of my sister.  When I returned home I had a few days off and when I got back to work, I was just inundated with an extreme load of work.  My co-worker not pulling her weight at all and just leaving it to me with weak excuses.  Four weeks after my mom passed, my souldog Maya died after 18 years and 8 months on this earth.  I knew her time was coming and I knew that I was overly blessed with having her for so long and having such a meaningful and profound relationship with an animal.  I understood that it was time and she passed naturally at home.  The next week I heard that another family member also lost his fight against cancer and then just after that a good friend of my best friend passed away.  In all of this I had a beautiful little kitty that was dropped off at 2 days old at my house and I hand reared her.  She was so instrumental in my grieving.  Full of joy, love, kindness in lock step with everything that I did and I would think to myself that this is like a secret weapon against all the heartache.  This pure ball of love.  A week and a half ago, we heard the devastating news of a brutal double farm murder just outside of our village, they were friends of mine. The cruelty of how they were killed  is unthinkable.  It feels like the devil is just causing mayhem.  So I prayed the blood of Jesus over my home  on Saturday and set off to help my 84 year old neighbor, to move her big dog.  My little kitty heard my voice and came through the fence and then this massive dog, just mauled her to death, she didn't stand a chance and as I was shouting like a maniac trying to get him off her to let go.  She didn't make it.  Everything is an endless loop, I cant grief my mom, cause work is burying me, I can't phone my mom because she is not alive.  I can't feel safe because the killers are still at large, I cant move forward because the last light of such pure love and joy was so brutally ripped away.  I miss them all so much.  My heart is so broken, I don't know how much more I can take. 

[Traz]

Dear Carika,

You truly have had some devastating losses in what seems like a relatively short amount of time. Firstly, please accept my sincere condolences on the passing of your dear mom. Cancer is such a cruel disease to begin with, so I can't imagine having the added stress of violent protests to deal with too. It sounds like you took wonderful care of her during those last four weeks of her life. I took care of my mom as well, who passed in 2019. I don't regret it at all, even though the flashbacks are hard sometimes. 

It never ceases to amaze me that there's always one person in a family whose behaviour is really hard to take. And they get worse during a crisis, as your sister did regarding your mom's death and funeral. I'm sorry she couldn't help support you and was abusive. Perhaps it comes from jealousy because of the bond between you and your mom? 

Sometimes with family, we have to make difficult decisions for our own mental health. This could be having strong boundaries or unfortunately cutting ties. It's not easy, I know. It's happened in my own family too.

 It's heartbreaking to lose our 'soul' animals, I do understand and empathize fully. Maya looks lovely and she lived to quite an age. My soul animal was my 'Shadow' - a pure black mini Schnauzer. He was the most gentle, loving creature and he died suddenly and traumatically at age 11. I feel for you and how awful to have lost your cat in such a horrific manner. Witnessing that must have been extremely traumatic. My heart goes out to you. 💗  

The added burden of having a lazy co-worker not pull her weight must be challenging too. Do you have a human resources department you could speak with if it continues? My sister went through that at her job so I get how stressful that is. 

And the murder of your neighbours... that truly is a nightmare scenario and a terrible, evil crime. Was there a motive? Ie; robbery? I would be terrified as well. Do you live alone? Are there things you could do to make your home safer? Would you consider moving? So many things you have gone through! 

Have you thought about getting some counselling/therapy, to deal with the trauma and your grief? I really hope you can begin on a journey toward healing and feeling safe once again. I'm glad you have your faith to help you through this very difficult time. 

My thoughts and prayers go out to you. 

Traz