A WEEKEND OF GRIEVING

[WithoutHer]

It's Saturday a day that has been troubling for me being the day of the week Vickie passed and tomorrow will be the 4 month mark by date. The more the reality hits me the more tears flow. That day and the months before with her health failing won't stop playing over and over in my mind. She was the happiest she had ever been in her life 11 years of us together and deserved more life. The two days together are ripping at my heart and the tears try to relieve some of the pain but today everything is hitting exceptionally hard.

[shawnt]

Breath in, breath out. When the trauma of the end gets looped in my brain and I can't move I force myself to remember our best day, it hurts like hell but seems to at least stop the loop. I am sorry you are struggling, I found some useful tools in my research on trauma and PTSD, our brains respond in similar fashion. 

Sorry a lot of that sounds like horseshit, it's the best I have come up with for myself (so far)

[KayC]

You are so right, she deserved more. 

[MichiganDaniel]

I pretty much shut down on the weekends. I do the necessary chores, but none of it feels right. It feels like the world is done with me and for these two days I don’t fit anywhere. Weekdays are work, but weekends I don’t live. I just cope.

Three months and I still can’t fully believe that this has happened. I can’t get out of this mode of waiting until she comes back. It’s like looking for someone in a crowd. Looking, watching face after face go by, looking until that moment of recognition when I can walk forward, take her hand and go on to the next thing.

I’m stuck, watching, looking, waiting for next thing until we can go forward together. Standing there until the gates close. Standing in the same spot watching, waiting, lost, month after month.

It’s getting better. I am doing things. Meeting people. But I know that some day I will have to stop waiting and give myself permission to go on. Nobody ever explained how mourning works. I don’t know how to get out of this. But I will, if I can ever be ready.

 

[LBbone]

1 hour ago, WithoutHer said:

It's Saturday a day that has been troubling for me being the day of the week Vickie passed and tomorrow will be the 4 month mark by date. The more the reality hits me the more tears flow. That day and the months before with her health failing won't stop playing over and over in my mind. She was the happiest she had ever been in her life 11 years of us together and deserved more life. The two days together are ripping at my heart and the tears try to relieve some of the pain but today everything is hitting exceptionally hard.

My Duke died two weeks before his 60th birthday. That was a shitty day we finalized his head stone “happy birthday“ two weeks after that my oldest turned 15 another rough day every weekend sucks my girls are so traumatized my oldest decided to get high last night went way overboard and her aunt, who, by the way, dug my husband up and moved him two feet, who hates me and I refuse to speak to came and picked up my daughter. Have no idea how to deal with that . anyway next weekend is the four month mark of his death, Father’s Day, and my birthday so dreading next weekend as well

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, MichiganDaniel said:

Three months and I still can’t fully believe that this has happened. I can’t get out of this mode of waiting until she comes back.

4 months and I have had that same feeling since day 1. I was sitting on that ICU bed holding her hand not knowing if she was aware I was there or not when she took her last breath. The reality has set in but that feeling won't let go. Nothing can repair the void of the loss. I know better but that waiting feeling remains.

[LBbone]

Yes, almost 4 months and I’m still watching the door waiting for him to come through it and we’ve started a game driving down the road that any bright blue truck that looks like his We shoot it with our fingers “POW POW”amazing how many there are where we live six on my way to work easy every day

at work I wait for him to come in with his sales tickets, but it is another salesman talking about my husband’s customers 

what do I tell my girls were supposed to do for Father’s Day? Go see my dad … I really don’t want to go out to the gravesite since they moved him and the headstone is not there yet. I don’t want to go there but my youngest dors

maybe will just run away.

[WithoutHer]

15 minutes ago, LBbone said:

Yes, almost 4 months and I’m still watching the door waiting for him to come through it and we’ve started a game driving down the road that any bright blue truck that looks like his We shoot it with our fingers “POW POW”amazing how many there are where we live six on my way to work easy every day

at work I wait for him to come in with his sales tickets, but it is another salesman talking about my husband’s customers 

what do I tell my girls were supposed to do for Father’s Day? Go see my dad … I really don’t want to go out to the gravesite since they moved him and the headstone is not there yet. I don’t want to go there but my youngest dors

maybe will just run away.

I would be very upset with the move you described. I am moving my own place by choice from local to 900 miles away to be placed with Vickie. We were the best part of each other's lives and we belong together in death. I have no one that needs my remains around here.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, LBbone said:

what do I tell my girls were supposed to do for Father’s Day? Go see my dad

My husband died ON Father's Day. Now that my son is a father that lends a good meaning to the day but I'm never invited for it, guess it's thought of for men, so I always spend the day alone. It sounds like you're trying to attribute a good meaning to the day too, what else can we do?

[LBbone]

Oh that sucks I don’t understand why you would not be invited?? But I don’t know what to do either

[KayC]

My kids dad and I divorced when they were teens. He likely invites him although he seldom comes. Or his wife is in charge, so who knows.

I know it helps to have plans in place but I have no one to make plans with.  Will be thinking of you on that day..

[Sheilz]

19 hours ago, MichiganDaniel said:

Three months and I still can’t fully believe that this has happened. I can’t get out of this mode of waiting until she comes back. It’s like looking for someone in a crowd. Looking, watching face after face go by, looking until that moment of recognition when I can walk forward, take her hand and go on to the next thing.

I’m stuck, watching, looking, waiting for next thing until we can go forward together. Standing there until the gates close. Standing in the same spot watching, waiting, lost, month after month.

This is me exactly.  I see Brian everywhere but it's all in my mind.  I don't go out much at all (isolation is becoming an issue but it's what I want).  I hear his truck pulling up.  I glimpse him walking through the yard, I hear him rattling the ice in his ice coffee........ all the time.  I'm just waiting for the time where I can take his hand & go forward.  Watching & waiting... lost, day after day... I'm not sure I can continue this (but what options are there).  

19 hours ago, MichiganDaniel said:

Nobody ever explained how mourning works. I don’t know how to get out of this.

Hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month.........  So hard.  Being here helps.

[RichS]

On Father's Day I'll be working in the afternoon as a gym attendant for Men's Basketball Practices (I kid you not). I'm anticipating mostly single guys showing up. It will be a quiet day for me; the first Father's Day without Chris. Maybe that and the sound of dribbling  basketballs is just the therapy I need for the day.

[Sheilz]

9 hours ago, Gator M said:

Geez, this is hard.

My head can accept it but my heart ❤️ is crushed.

I don't want this to go on...but go on I must.

Right now I'm useless.

I'm in the same mind set as you are only my head still can't accept it.  But my heart is crushed too.

Being useless seems to be the way of life now.  I don't want to go on. But we must.  No other options.  

I wonder how long a heart can take this pain before the body & mind crumble

9 hours ago, Gator M said:

It's been 5 months now,  today really sux.

I hope you found something today to help you through.....

[KayC]

Oh do I know how that goes!  No one wants my canning jars or china or crystal, or some of the other God knows what or who left it behind...46 years of living here and I can't even clean it out, not only do my hands not work or have strength in them, kids don't live close, and nowhere to donate without a special 100 mile trip.  Can't get much in a car anyway.

[RichS]

39 minutes ago, Gator M said:

All those treasures are NOT treasures to anyone else.

I'll be spinning in my grave the day my loved ones have an estate sale in my home. Someone will get a great deal on my sports card collection!

[Sheilz]

43 minutes ago, Gator M said:

What helped me a lot was talking to my daughter, my brother and SIL.  

The ALONE-ness is what is so devastating.   Ann and I did very little apart.  We were best friends.   

Ditto for Brian & I.  Together & best friends. 

But I don't really have anyone to talk to.  The few people I have in my life... 1. told me to stop the "pity me bullshit"... 2.  told me it's been almost a month.  You need to get stronger & get better already....  3.  One just me me that I should ask my doctor for tranquilizers because all that crying isn't good.  So that's it for my support team.  Except for here......

46 minutes ago, Gator M said:

All those treasures are NOT treasures to anyone else.  

And this will be hard for me to do when I finally am able to do it.  Right now I want everything because sometimes I pretend he is still here.  Sad but true.  

[LBbone]

Wish we were closer too.  I have a grief group starting up tomorrow night I'm going to try and make myself go to.  Duke has his own man suite and is full of things that are not only antique and very rare, but mean a lot to me, my girls, his family (I'd rather sell it all on e-bay than to give his one sister anything, the one who dug him up and moved him 2 feet) We have a custom Harley and a 69 Chevelle SS that were his pride and joy. I don't care how much they are worth, they will go to our daughters.  I'm blessed with some good people to talk to, however my in laws are a nightmare. constantly criticizing, judging and gossiping about how I've let my girls and home fall apart. And to whoever's family is telling you to get over it, stop crying can kiss your ass.  No one has the right to tell us how to, how long, how deep to grieve.

Does everyone here still wear their wedding ring? If not, when did you stop?

[shawnt]

Can't take mine off .

[RichS]

Still wearing mine...............no plans to take it off..................

[Sheilz]

8 hours ago, Gator M said:

I wish we were all closer so we could get together.  

Me too.

Never ever will I take my ring off.  It's part of "us" and it's here to stay.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, LBbone said:

Does everyone here still wear their wedding ring? If not, when did you stop?

I gained weight, had it resized, then lost weight! It greatly inflated the price when I had it resized, so right now I keep them in a heart shaped dish in my bathroom where I see it every day, along with his.