Just needed to let it out…

[Josh206425]

I lost my son and nearly lost my wife 9 months ago. She was only 25 weeks pregnant and had many complications despite being a very healthy person. Our son did not survive. My wife recovered and we are just trying our best to process everything.

 

Personally, my grief comes in waves. I usually grieve on my own as I feel I need to be strong for my wife. I have been coping with the loss of my son by overworking and getting my mind off of that experience, but when the waves settle, I keep reliving it. It does not help that I am also a doctor and work in the same hospital that my son died at. I do my best not to bring it up to my wife because I know she is also struggling and I don’t want to make things worse for her. On top of all of this we are also faced with the reality that we can’t have kids of our own. 
 

I see friends and colleagues having kids and I hate myself for being jealous. Thinking they don’t deserve it and that my wife and I would have made much better parents. That’s not who I am.  
 

We were a religious family, but now despise god and hate him for what happened. I feel like life isn’t fair and my son should’ve been given the chance to live.  
 

I am not sure if this forum is able to give me any advice, but I needed to let things off my chest so that it’s not just all bundled up within me. 

I am sorry for all of you that lost someone you love. You’re not alone. Maybe things won’t get better, but we just learn to live with it. 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.   I had always been an avid prayer, even taught classes on prayer, had several pastors in it...but after my husband died, I felt nothing, no response.  It was like my prayers bounced off the wall of heaven!  It was somewhere around a year out that I realized God had carried me and the reason I hadn't heard Him was my own grief blocking everything.

You are a doctor at the same hospital? That is rough. I went to the same hospital over a year after my husband died, my friend's husband was in there and I wanted to visit him...I could not stop the tears flowing at just being back in that building.  

I have lost three children before birth but never afterwards.  I do know that jealousy will do you in and it's so imperative to let it go....easier said than done. It's like when you hold unforgiveness in your heart, it doesn't poison the other one, it does you.  And that person to forgive is God.  I know, not what you want to hear, but this is strongly the message I feel to give you.  

 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Josh206425 said:

I feel like life isn’t fair

No, nothing about it is fair.  It is in the most down times though, that I have learned and grown.  But nothing in me believes God is causing all of this, pulling strings just to do you in. Remember it is Satan in charge of the world right now (and do we see that!) but God holds the hope as He will rein him in and his days are numbered.