The upcoming celebration of life for my partner and emotions around it

[DWS]

In just over a week, I will be attending a burial of ashes and celebration of life for my partner ...almost sixteen months after his passing.  It will be an event to honour both Tom and his sister Shelly who sadly passed away eight months later after her unexpected and surreal diagnosis of advanced cancer. This ceremony has been on my mind ever since Tom's daughter and his niece mentioned their plans earlier this year.

A quick recap of my loss: Tom and I were partners for four years but lived three hours apart. He lived with his daughter along with her husband and two young sons. He traveled here most weekends. Being a semi-retired accountant, he was able to enjoy staying here for three or four days...sometimes a week depending on his busy schedule of work and grandparent duties. He was healthy and an avid runner but shockingly passed away in the night at home. There was no word of warning and totally unexpected.

His adult kids held a small visitation for family and close friends shortly after his death. They included me in their plans and hoped I could attend but also mentioned that there would be a celebration of life a few months later when the weather was warmer and safer for traveling. After days agonizing whether I should go, I decided not to. I just couldn't and thankfully, his kids totally understood. Like them, I was in total shock. Friends offered to drive me there but I just wasn't ready to accept any of this. There was the suggestion that this could give me "closure" but there was nothing to close at that point because the severe wound had hardly even opened! I don't regret my decision.

I will be attending this upcoming ceremony which will be a larger gathering in a lakeside town three hours north of me where both Tom and his sister Shelly lived for a number of years. Her husband still lives there and that's where we all will be going after the burial. It will almost be sixteen months later and admittedly, I'm scared of this thing. I'm scared that I'll collapse at the sight of the urn with his ashes that his daughter has held over all of these months. She has quietly admitted to me that she doesn't want to let them go. All of this has me even questioning whether I have really accepted any of this despite doing the grief work and being back to some sort of usual routine of working with my business and tending to home and gardens. 

Is this just reopening that wound? I'm trying to convince myself that being there with all of Tom's loved ones is something I will find that I need as well as, perhaps, helpful to them too. The anticipation of that day is weighing heavily on my mind. I've been making a list of things to take along my journey just to make it slightly easier. Tylenol for sure!

[KayC]

Sometimes it takes reopening a wound to deal with our grief, sometimes it takes putting it off until we're ready to.  It's important to listen to your inner voice on this.  I hope and pray being with them and attending this memorial will be of help to you.  We had George's right after he died and it was very helpful to me (open mic portion) hearing what others said about him.  I sang "It is Well (with my soul)" as a testimony to my faith, it's not based on feelings so much as faith, and George also loved that song and esp. loved hearing me sing.  The day had mixed reviews, his own dad didn't bother coming even though offered a ride.  My mom was her usually insane self, the pastor couldn't get the mic away from her fast enough but she had a death grip on it. (I sent his kids a copy of the service and told them to ignore her, she's nuts.)

Overall I was pleased with the turnout even though my two BFFs didn't bother coming (and could have). 

I hope all goes well for you, I hope you'll update us.  

[DWS]

34 minutes ago, KayC said:

We had George's right after he died and it was very helpful to me (open mic portion) hearing what others said about him.

Feeling how much anxiety this has created, I can certainly see the benefit to grievers to get the funeral, celebration of life, or whatever out of the way early.  It's at that moment...early on...when we need to be surrounded by the love of those who knew our person. Then when all of that is out of the way, our processing of the loss can get full attention and we spend the time with that. With this ceremony sixteen months after, I think there's an expectation that it should be a somewhat lighter affair....that the heavy grieving has passed and now we can all come together at peace with the loss. And that feels like a heavy burden for me. Am I at peace? 

[KayC]

Of course it's not. (((hugs)))

[DWS]

Just chatted with Tom's daughter about next weekend's memorial and burial. Tom's son made a slideshow of all of their lives growing up. These will be photos that I've never seen before. We just didn't get enough time together. I honestly don't know how I am going to handle this. 

[DMB]

DWS, however you handle it is OK.  I am glad you're going.  

We did not have a proper funeral thanks to covid.  Everyone expected me to have something for him after all the restrictions were lifted, and I just never did.  I know how you feel about wanting to do all that again. 

[KayC]

We didn't with my sister Peggy either, I wanted to, I felt she deserved that but the family wanted to do it a year from her birthday, actually it was still off a day...my little sister was busy getting ready for a trip.  But we got together and scattered ashes. I was the only one who spoke, I felt bad that no one else did, we had 18 of us there.  When I spoke of my BIL of 50 years (we scattered both their ashes) my little sister was shaking her head and talking loudly, it was very disrespectful. I understood him, she didn't, I didn't feel that was the time for her to raise old resentments.  I am sorry, @DMB.  So hard. 

[DWS]

1 hour ago, DMB said:

I know how you feel about wanting to do all that again. 

Thank you for saying that. The ceremony is happening this Saturday and it's all that's been on my mind all week. Today, I've been having second thoughts about going but I will attend. As I'm seeing it right now, this is revisiting February 2022 all over again and wondering if the strength I've been able to regain over this time will fall flat when I'm there. I am telling myself to go for the sake of Tom's daughter because I know she has had to quell her grief over the months because of her busy family and work life. She found early on that her co-workers (nurses) were not very understanding of grief and loss. I'm the only one that she feels comfortable sharing her continuing sadness. She did mention that her youngest son who is five is looking forward to meeting me..."grandpa's best friend". That got me sobbing. I'm hoping that I'm not a total mess. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, DWS said:

wondering if the strength I've been able to regain over this time will fall flat when I'm there.

Hard telling until you experience it but one thing is for sure, it won't set you back permanently....the strides you've made are still there and you may have a temporary setback but will come back from it. And you may not experience a setback at all.  

 

12 hours ago, DWS said:

her youngest son who is five is looking forward to meeting me..."grandpa's best friend".

That is so sweet and I hope that experience alone will aid you...

[DWS]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Hard telling until you experience it but one thing is for sure, it won't set you back permanently....the strides you've made are still there and you may have a temporary setback but will come back from it. And you may not experience a setback at all.  

Thanks...and here's hoping that it won't be as bad as I'm anticipating. The issue that I see is that this takes me out of the comfort of my private grief journey and puts it out into public view...something that I'm not comfortable with. I didn't get a chance to meet many of Tom's family in person in our short few years together as they're all spread out around the province. I don't really want to show them or worry them of just how much devastation their dad's passing has brought me. 

[KayC]

Please try not to worry with other people's feelings/reactions right now, you do you, that's enough in itself.

[DWS]

Dealing with the death of a loved one...particularly spouse/partner....truly is the greatest challenge in our lives. It's no wonder many decide to drink it, drug it, or work it away because dealing with it head-on presents a lot of unpredictability, confusion, wistfulness, etc etc etc

[DWS]

I made it through yesterday's interment of my partner's ashes. It was a fairly relaxed ceremony and as mentioned earlier in this thread, a combined ceremony for Tom and his sister Shelley who sadly passed away eight months later.

The buildup to the day was pretty brutal. I got very little sleep the night before. I got myself to bed just before 11pm...awoke at midnight, drifted back to sleep and then awoke at 1:44am...back to sleep and then woke up again at 3 and from there, it was just a mess of weird visions, half-awake dreams and maybe a half hour total of sleep. It was just awful how much turmoil was going on in mind. I got up at 6 and got out the door at 7 for the close-to three hour journey. The drive there went very smoothly. I made my way over to the highway that runs along the Lake Huron shoreline and thankfully, traffic was minimal as we're still two weeks away from the busy beach-going and camping crowds. 

It was so comforting to be around Tom's adult children and his young grandchildren. They embraced me and knew fully how great a loss that has been to me. I was relieved that his daughter asked the night before if I would like to see a photo of the headstone or wait to see it at the cemetery. I had her send the photo to allow me to deal with the shock of that image. It's a large marble square piece with an image of a runner on it...very appropriate and honourable. I fell apart putting the roses on his grave. It was a tortuous moment to get through but one of only symbolism and respect to the ceremony....certainly not a final goodbye of any sort for me because I've learned of Tom's presence all through this time. But that moment definitely was pure hell. 

There was a gathering after for an outdoor lunch at Tom's brother-in-law's house with lots of chatting and his young grandkids running around. It was just so overwhelming to be around this lively brew of adults and children all stemming from the man that I only got to know and enjoy life with for four years. After most had left, I went for a relaxed walk along the beach with Tom's niece who was very close to him. I had gotten to know her over the years so it was a good end to my time there as we chatted about loss and grief. She lost not only her favourite uncle but her mom too...all in the short span of a year. 

So glad that this is done and over.

[ThereIsAField]

I'm very glad that it went as well as it could have and that you found the courage to attend, even though you had trepidations. It sounds like a meaningful day that will accompany you on your journey.

[DWS]

15 minutes ago, ThereIsAField said:

It sounds like a meaningful day that will accompany you on your journey.

There is a lot of new stuff for me to process. I'm realizing their version of their father and my version of him aren't always comparable. I'm starting to see that he was a bit more "behaved" around me...lol...which I kind of suspected. I figure he had a new kind of fun when we were together. His kids told me that they'd never seen him happier.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, DWS said:

certainly not a final goodbye of any sort for me because I've learned of Tom's presence all through this time.

It's good you've had time before seeing that, that was very thoughtful of her. And you made it through it, I'm glad for you.  And it's neat to hear that he was his happiest with you in his life.

[LMR]

I'm very glad you made it through the day. I hope it helped in some way.

[DWS]

7 hours ago, LMR said:

I hope it helped in some way.

Today, I could feel some weight has lifted. It's bizarre to say it but I have learned to live with the reality of Tom's absence...and also sensing his presence...but the burial of ashes brought a reality that I didn't need. That part is now in the past after months of concern and something that I don't need to worry about again. I can get back to the familiar relationship that I've established with my grief and his memory.