New Loss - Anxiety and Grief

[Lena M]

Hi. My name is Lena. I lost my partner of 7 years on May 21, 2023. I am 43; he was 46. He had a sudden massive heart attack at work, and I had just spoken with him on the phone 14 minutes before the attack, and he was perfectly fine; at least, he seemed fine.

Outside of all the normal grief, the emptiness, and the overall daily roller coaster of emotions, I suffer from anxiety. It has not always been good for me, and I am medicated to control it. Once in a while, when I would have anxiety attacks, my partner was my ROCK. Even though he did not suffer from anxiety, he somehow understood how to help me cope. Now I am alone to deal with it, which is worse than ever. I am terrified that the same thing will happen to me, that I will close my eyes one day and never open them again. It has been debilitating. When I don't have anxiety, then and only then am I able to grieve appropriately. It's torturous, really. Am I alone in this anxiety and constant fear? Losing someone so young and so suddenly makes it hard to accept this as my reality.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss. Welcome here, this is a safe place as we're all going through some stage of having lost our partners.  And you won't find yourself alone in having anxiety either, I've been on Buspar (Buspirone) for 15 years (I lost my husband 18 years ago).  I've had anxiety all my life but when George was alive, he was all I needed, wrapped in his arms.  Grief only heightens it.

I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

Lena:

All of us on this board know EXACTLY what you're going through because we've all been there ourselves and continue to cope with our grief each day. I joined this board five months ago and quickly discovered that the people here are sympathetic and helpful. I also take medication to control my depression; and I'm sure some of our members do as well. 

For sure, YOU ARE NOT ALONE in your anxiety and fear. On this board we all try to be helpful to each other; especially on our down days. We encourage you to keep posting here, sharing your feelings with others. You'll soon discover that this board is a great coping tool. WELCOME!!

 

[Lena M]

2 hours ago, RichS said:

Lena:

All of us on this board know EXACTLY what you're going through because we've all been there ourselves and continue to cope with our grief each day. I joined this board five months ago and quickly discovered that the people here are sympathetic and helpful. I also take medication to control my depression; and I'm sure some of our members do as well. 

For sure, YOU ARE NOT ALONE in your anxiety and fear. On this board we all try to be helpful to each other; especially on our down days. We encourage you to keep posting here, sharing your feelings with others. You'll soon discover that this board is a great coping tool. WELCOME!!

 

It’s both encouraging and sad to know I’m not alone. Simply because I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.  Thank you for the encouragement. 

[Gail 8588]

Lena M, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband more than 6 years ago.  It took me a long time to feel connected to the world again. Eventually my grief became less debilitating  and more like a healed wound. It is still there, and some days I still feel the loss acutely, but most days there is awareness but no pain.  I talk to my hubby everyday, and I feel his presence with me. 

Life is harder without him here, because now everything is on my shoulders and sometimes that feels overwhelming.  But the waves of dispair no longer wash over me like they did in my early years. 

I still come here nearly everyday to read and post.  I have come to care a great deal for the fellow travelers I have met in this forum.  I wish none of us had reason to be here.  I am thankful for the help and comfort they have shown me over the years. 

Welcome to our community. 

Gail

 

[Sheilz]

Lena, I'm so sorry for your loss.  It's definitely a life changer and not in a good way.  I lost my husband of 30 years on May 11, 23 so we are in similar situations.  My anxiety is overcoming my life.  My primary doctor just put me on medication for it but it's not working yet.  I hope it helps somewhat.  We all here know EXACTLY how you feel.  You are not alone.  All I can tell you is that it is a "One day at a time" situation... and if you're like me it's a "One hour at a time" situation.  Be gentle with yourself & focus on eating & drinking right now, which can be challenging but necessary.  This board is a comfort knowing that you can post your feelings (any time of the day or night) and not be judged but be hugged.  This will be the hardest journey of you life & we are all here with you.  

[JamesF]

On 6/6/2023 at 4:52 PM, Lena M said:

Am I alone in this anxiety and constant fear?

Hi Lena, I'm sorry for your loss. The answer to your question in no. Whenever I feel anxious or low I find that by coming on here and being amongst friends - true friends who know exactly how it feels when your world is shattered - is a constant source of inspiration and strength to me. I'm sure it will be the same for you. God bless. 

[Lena M]

15 minutes ago, JamesF said:

Hi Lena, I'm sorry for your loss. The answer to your question in no. Whenever I feel anxious or low I find that by coming on here and being amongst friends - true friends who know exactly how it feels when your world is shattered - is a constant source of inspiration and strength to me. I'm sure it will be the same for you. God bless. 

Thank you. I do keep coming back and reading posts. It helps. I have my first therapy appointment next week. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 6/6/2023 at 3:00 PM, RichS said:

Lena:

All of us on this board know EXACTLY what you're going through because we've all been there ourselves and continue to cope with our grief each day. I joined this board five months ago and quickly discovered that the people here are sympathetic and helpful. I also take medication to control my depression; and I'm sure some of our members do as well. 

For sure, YOU ARE NOT ALONE in your anxiety and fear. On this board we all try to be helpful to each other; especially on our down days. We encourage you to keep posting here, sharing your feelings with others. You'll soon discover that this board is a great coping tool. WELCOME!!

 

I have a fear and anxiety to meet new people and let them in my life cuz I am distrustful of all people and I’ve been betrayed by people who I thought were my friends and gave my trust to. This is the reason I stay in my room 24/7 cuz the outside world can’t hurt me if I’m in my room.  I feel safe and secure in my room. 

[Gail 8588]

4 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

 This is the reason I stay in my room 24/7 cuz the outside world can’t hurt me if I’m in my room.  I feel safe and secure in my room. 

I very much relate to your anxiety.  I lived in fear for a long time after John died. He was my protector and now he was gone. 

But those protective walls around you can become a self imposed prison.   Not trying to pressure you, but as you can, try to expand your boundaries.   It will help you find your way back to life.  It helped me. 

 

[widower2]

Exactly Gail, well put. Being locked off alone may feel safe and secure......but it can also be ungodly lonely. And really that's a risk/reward thing we go through all of our lives...to open ourselves up to new relationships, whether it's friends or romance or whatever, it can be risky and open ourselves up to hurt......but it also opens ourselves up to warmth and companionship to replace the distant dark cold of being alone. No easy answers.