New here. But not to grief and sorrow.

[vandynicole]

On Jan. 10 my grandma died. One of the main ppl in my life. I am lost and full of anxiety and panic attacks flow in and out whenever. Its been a few months, but the pain is still fresh. I feel empty, lost and hollow. I feel like I just want this all to be over with. Now my Grandpa on my dads side is dying. We are a very close knit family. Living with each other in hard times. Talk a couple times a week. I don't know if I can handle this one. The only thing that keeps me here is my 4 year old daughter. Also almost 4 years ago my 30 year old cousin died from complications from diabetes. I still miss him everyday. But it was different when he died. I was more angry. This time with my gma I am devastated. I have anxiety/panic disorder and it flares up from time to time. Only when major things happen. Like when I was diagnosed diabetic and after I had my child. Now its because my gma is gone. When it would flare up before I would call her during the most intense attacks and she would calm me down. And know I can't call her. If everyone is gonna die, whats the point? My aunts, my dad, my other gma,. my mom. It just seems like life is only pain. I can't see past it anymore. I have derealization really bad these day from it. I am in a constant state of anxiety and grief. But I can mask it, I can appear completely normal. But I am dying on the inside. I barely make it through each day. I'm not living anymore. Just "making it through" another day. I feel guilty for giving birth. Is this all I am setting her up for? Grief and pain. Everyone dies. Everyone leaves.

[ModKonnie]

Vandynicole,

Life's cycle is full of love, joy, pain, hate and all kinds of other experiences. We keep going with relationships because we need them, and our loved ones need us. Yes, the pain can be awful and sheer agony, but the memories and experiences can be awesome and rewarding. I know you are suffering right now, but things do get better.

Have you considered talking to a professional? She/He may be able to offer you some tips or advice on how to deal with the intense pain. In the meantime, you have made a good choice in coming here to talk about your emotions and experiences. Talking helps us to process our emotions.

How do you fill your days? Do you have any hobbies or work? Are you taking care of yourself? Have you thought about journaling? What about music--does it help? Can you talk to other family members about your losses?

I've experienced losses, and I dread the ones coming up, so I can relate to what you are talking about. But we will get through them. We will be here to support and encourage you.

ModKonnie