I killed my dog too early. I am drowning. What did I do? I can't live with myself

[Mistake]

This is very long but I am struggling a lot. Please read if you can.

My dog was 15. He was my entire life. Truly, everything I did was for him. He was really high maintenance and as annoying as it could be, I loved every second of it. I don't have a lot of money but I have spent thousands on him over the years, and I did so happily because taking care of him was my greatest joy. He always got his regular check ups and I always made sure to pay for anything extra that could possibly catch any issues. I always swore my decisions would never be based on money, and they never were. He had kidney disease and high blood pressure but it had been well controlled for years. Besides that, he was perfectly healthy. He got around great, had energy and loved to eat.

A little under a month ago, he had a seizure in the middle of the night. Rushed him to the emergency vet, who said he should see a neurologist because seizures in older dogs could mean a brain tumor. Cue a neurologist visit and an MRI, which confirmed my worst fear...it was a brain tumor. The neurologist said it was small and the next step was anticonvulsants, a steroid and radiation, if I wanted to go that route. Without radiation, she said he could only have months. I was willing to do or pay anything. I had a consultation with a radiation oncologist who said I could do standard radiation, which would be about 5 sessions (he would have to go under anesthesia each time) but had a higher risk of side effects or another option was 3 sessions of Cyberknife radiation. Cyberknife is more targeted with less of a risk to the surrounding brain tissue. The only three downsides were:

1. The fact that he would have to go under anesthesia. He was in good health but he was 15 after all. Going under that many times in a row was terrifying. The radiation oncologist said we could leave a day in between each session so there was some time to recover. But still, going under 3 times in a week was really scary. Plus he would've had to go under for the CT scan before the session started

2. The fact that he would either have to be driven back and forth each day or stay at the vet for a week while they did it. The vet was about an hour away and he hated the car so much. He would shake the entire time, get very worked up in the car and at the vet, Anytime I had to take him to the vet, even my local vet, he would shake so much and get so worked up. I hated that for him

3. The cost. It was about $16,000. I have about $3,000 to my name. I didn't care. I couldn't imagine not doing everything for him. I started looking into loans and credit cards to cover it. I was completely willing to go into debt for him

I decided to go with the Cyberknife but they didn't have an appointment until June 13th, which felt very far away. But he had been doing well and had been stable since the first seizure and I wanted to try everything.

Here is where it all falls apart. He had another seizure two weeks later. He had been on the anticonvulsant and steroid and was doing well. I had bought cameras to put all over my house so I could watch him while I was at work. I had just gotten to work when I noticed a ton of alerts on my from the cameras. I checked and saw he had clearly had another seizure. He was in the post ictal phase and was running all over the house, frantic, not in his right mind. I raced home and rushed him to my local vet. He was recovering at that point but it took him such a long time to recover from these seizures. He didn't just bounce back, he would be pacing/worked up/not himself for hours. He would be screaming/howling at the top of his lungs for the first 20-30 minutes or so...it was so awful.

My vet kept him there for observation most of the day. The local vet wanted to start him on Keppra and up his Zonisimide. The neurologist spoke to her and said we should just raise the Zonisimide. I could tell the local vet thought we should be adding something else, but she said she would go along with the neurologist. I regret so much not adding that other drug. I was listening to the expert on the subject, the neurologist, but I would have done anything if it was the right thing. I picked him up at 4:30pm and brought him home. He ate his dinner and seemed okay, but still a bit off. Then he wouldn't stop whining at me. Nothing I did for him would ease up the whining. He was typically a very demanding/whiny dog so I didn't think much of it, I assumed he was still agitated from the seizure and still recovering. I gave him his increased dose of the anticonvulsant around 5:30pm. He finally settled down around 8pm in his dog bed...and then suddenly, had another seizure. It was so horrible, and knowing this was his second in 12 hours made it so much worse. I tried to administer the rescue medication but it was really, really difficult to do and I don't know if I did it correctly or not. I rushed him to the emergency vet. The emergency vet was very somber and kept saying he's so sorry, and acting like my dog was as good as gone. He was still alive and recovering from the seizure but the emergency vet said I had 3 choices

1. Consider euthanasia. This is the first time this had even been mentioned and shocked me

2. Keep him there on seizure watch and add some more meds to prevent seizures, if I wanted to get him to radiation. However, I could tell the emergency vet thought it wasn't necessarily the best move to put an old dog through that. But at the same time, he didn't know my dog and know how well he was doing in between these seizures

3. They could stabilize him as best they could and I could bring him home and see how he does/how he recovers overnight

I opted for option 3. They gave him a dose of Keppra (Looking back, it may have been a large dose? They needed 45 minutes or so to do it) I brought him home and he was still very much not with it. All he wanted to do was pace or eat treats. He was OBSESSED with his treats. You could tell he still wasn't really in his right mind. He was obsessed with the treats in such an odd way and as soon as you didn't give him one, he would start pacing again. I was so terrified he was going to have another seizure. I truly felt like the next one could kill him because he was so off from the first 2. I was on the phone several times with a vet tech at the emergency vet. She said I could try Gabapentin to settle him down so I did, but it didn't work. At one point I was terrified he was going to have another and he was acting off so the emergency vet tech told me to administer his rescue seizure med. I kept asking if it was okay to give all of this medication together and she said yes. Looking back, I truly believe all of the medication were contributing to his decline. But I just wanted to prevent another seizure.

This was all happening overnight so my regular vet wasn't open. My uncle was with me to help and we talked all night about continuing to put him through all of this, the radiation included. I was so, so sure I was going to do it but watching him feeling so miserable made me feel beyond sick. He had such a great year this past year and was doing so well...did I want his last year to be car rides and vets and poking and prodding and radiation and anesthesia and probably more seizures? The radiation oncologist sounded confident we could potentially treat the tumor so he could live out the rest of his natural life. But still, he was 15...how much more time did he have? But he had been doing SO WELL until this brain tumor, and I was willing to do anything for him. I was absolutely terrified he was going to have a seizure that didn't stop and die that way. I work full time and am out of the house a good part of the day and I was so terrified he would have more seizures at home alone without anyone to help him and suffer and possibly die alone.

He kept declining and didn't seem mentally with it still. He started having trouble walking and was very shaky/wobbly. However, I really think that was all of the medication. The vet tech confirmed that the wobbly legs was probably from meds, but the pacing was from the seizures and they didn't know if it was permaent or not yet. I don't know if he had any brain damage from the multiple seizures or if he was just still recovering. But I was so terrified of him suffering and spending his last year like this. I know some dogs can have seizures and recover rather quickly but it seemed so hard on him. I called my vet as soon as they opened and said he's declining quickly, and they fit me in for an emergency appt to put him to sleep. I truly felt like it was the right thing to do, after talking all night with my uncle and watching my dog decline and have a horrible night. I couldn't imagine making him live like this, even on and off, for the next year. The radiation was 3 weeks away but it may as well have been 50 years away. It felt so out of reach. Plus the reality of putting him through that was hitting me. So I put him to sleep.

But days later, it's like I woke up. What the hell did I do? Yes, he was suffering in the short term and yes, the potential for more seizures was there. But I didn't even give him a chance to recover. We had barely tweaked his meds. I was so terrified of him suffering that I ended his life prematurely. I cannot get over the fact that he was doing so well in between the seizures. Everything you read about putting a dog to sleep talks about quality of life...and his was almost all great. His eating, his energy, his ability to go for walks. The seizures were terrible, yes...but radiation was on the horizon. Granted, the radiation meant car rides and vet visits and anesthesia. But don't I owe him that chance?? Or would that just be for me? I don't know. Everyone in my life is telling me that I spared him suffering and he died with me next to him, and that is a good thing. But I truly believe I robbed him of life.

I am drowning in regret. I didn't even speak to my regular vet before putting him to sleep! It all happened so fast and it happened overnight and by the time my vet opened, I had been watching him suffer all night and couldn't stand it anymore. They knew he had the brain tumor but still. But now that some time has passed, I am torturing myself. I truly believe I made a mistake. Everyone in my life said I didn't, but what else are they going to say? My best friend lost her dog to a seizure that didn't stop it had happened at an emergency vet and she wasn't even there with her dog at the time, and she promises me my regret would be greater if he died in that horrible way. But I am driving myself insane. I can't stop crying. I can't go to work. I can't get out of bed. feel like I don't deserve to eat. If he isn't here to enjoy food, why do I get to? I have to look into FMLA because this has thrown me into such a deep despair and depression. I am so angry at myself for not giving him more time. He was on so many meds at the time and he had 2 seizures in 12 hours, of course he needed more time to recover!!! He could have been admitted to a vet and kept for observation and I could have had a conversation with a vet. Or multiple vets! Part of the issue was that this happened over Memorial Day weekend, so even though my vet was opened a short time on Saturday, they were going to close and the neurologist was closed until Tuesday. I would've had to admit him to the emergency vet for the weekend, and I was so scared he would die there without me.

I can't forgive myself. Truly, I wish I had died with him. I can't live with this regret. He was such a happy dog and healthy in every other way. Yes, he had a brain tumor but the Cyberknife radiation was so promising. I made my last dog hang on too long and I always swore I wouldn't do that again. But I overcorrected. This is horrible. Knowing I robbed him of life, without so much as a real discussion with a vet?? It's too much to bear. Like I said, I can't work right now and am going to try to get FMLA for depression/anxiety. I am trying to find a therapist to begin to work through this. But I don't feel like I deserve to feel better. I deserve this for what I did.

I don't know what I am looking for here. Thank you if you read too far. Please give me your honest thoughts and opinions on this. Did I do it too soon? I am drowning.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Personally I think you had the best of intentions

15 minutes ago, Mistake said:

I made my last dog hang on too long

and now are second guessing this decision. Whether you should or shouldn't have is too late to debate and we could be wrong in our assessment.  What I want you to consider is forgiving yourself, the same as your dog has (and they do without a thought!) and realizing he is in paradise and playing with other dogs as he awaits you.  I had my last dog euthanized (inoperable cancer, liver shut down) and the vet botched it horribly! He went out in the most severe pain of his life...I was trying to EASE his suffering, not cause it!  The hardest person to forgive is ourselves...but it's what we must do.

You can rest assured your dog is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[Mistake]

Thank you so much for replying. I am so sorry to hear about your dog and how he went out as well. That sounds so difficult.

I did have the best intentions but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I don't feel like I can forgive myself for not trying harder. For not giving him more of a shot. I was so terrified of him suffering that I feel like I just gave up. I don't know how to live with this

[AJWCat]

I am so so sorry for your loss and this whole experience. Traumatic to say the least. 

Some objective feedback if you're open to it. You did the right thing. There were so many X factors. You absolutely did the right thing. Your dog was suffering. Money aside: More vets? More meds? Overnight stays. Even if you'd made it to the Cyberknife surgery no one knows what could've happened. Plus that had a lot of issues going against it. Not to mention passing during it or other things that crop up right after.  

That does not change how unfair it was. And awful for you and your sweet guy.

I get it. My cat died in a horrific way over a period of a couple hours and I was out of my mind with grief. That was also after a difficult surgery on his tail causing him a lot of pain a few weeks earlier. So that was suffering all for nothing. 

As a very general guideline dogs live 10-13 years. We always want more time. I understand your regret but please try to be compassionate and allow yourself to grieve your loss rather than wallow in regret. He deserves that. 

Last thing, and I know it does not feel like this is possible. I know because I've lived it. Eventually, and this does take a long time, you will find peace with everything that happened. That doesn't mean your broken heart won't have a crack in it forever... but you will not feel as dark and despondent as you do now. 

 

[KayC]

I agree.

[Mistake]

Thank you so much for replying. I feel like I can't do anything except think and talk about this and my family is tired of hearing about it, and have run out of things to say

I appreciate you saying that I did the right thing. I appreciate that so much. I wish I could feel that. Worrying about the future is what caused me to do what I did. He was also suffering in the immediate but I think maybe he could have come back from that. But I was so sad that the last year of his life would be vet visits and possibly more seizures, more meds that could make him feel sick and possibly a horrible death alone. But maybe none of those things would have even happened. And he could have also had naps with me, and walks, and treats, and more love. I took all of that away because I was so scared of him suffering at all. I feel like I acted emotionally and wasn't being rational at all and I hate myself so much for it. I spend his entire life doing everything "right" to avoid feeling like I failed him in any way, and at the end of it all I failed him.

[KayC]

3 minutes ago, Mistake said:

But maybe none of those things would have even happened. And he could have also had naps with me, and walks, and treats, and more love.

No, you didn't take it away from him, you helped him enter his peace, you will be with him again.
Pets go to heaven

[AJWCat]

Yes @KayC is right. You didn't take away, you made the harder but right choice. You could have dragged him through all kinds of stuff selfishly. (I'm guilty of doing that a bit myself.) 

Also, about your family, we get it, too. I came here and read and posted practically every other day just to share and get it off my mind. Because I had to talk about it and my husband who was also grief-stricken couldn't "go over it and re-live it again and again" with me.

And the truth is, most people don't get the grief we feel. 

[giotto]

I am so deeply sorry for your loss.  I believe you 100% made the right choice.  I experienced a similar decision with my last dog and because you love them so much and it is such a horrible thing to do, you wind up punishing yourself.  But, in the end, you gave him peace and acted unselfishly.  Dogs experience the moment.  And if his life ahead was full of scary car rides, horrible meds, and horrible treatment, that is a horrible life.  I have experienced vets that just want to try everything for $ and w/o much regard for you or your pet.  With this, you have to think what is best.  15 years old is a great life.  You loved him and gave him everything and he knew it.  Sparing him that suffering, and most certainly not very good months ahead, you did the kindest thing.  I know how you are feeling, because I went through a different, but same outcome with my little girl just over two months ago.  She was my soul mate and I am lost and broken.  You mentioned over-correcting from your last dog.  I did the same, but opposite of you.  I had a horrible vet experience and I tried to protect her from them this time.  Below is my story if you are interested.  I pray every day we will be together again.  We have to believe that.

My beautiful dog Frida was a chihuahua and boston terrirer mix.  I rescued her from a shelter when she was about four months old and from that point on, for just over 10 years, she never left my side.  She was, as chihuahuas are, very loyal and attached to one person, which was me.  And I was to her.  I work from home, so she was with me every day, and she slept with me in the bed every night.  She was my soulmate.  
She had a cough, almost like a throat clearing maybe once a day for several months prior to her passing, but nothing that made me think twice.  She was 100% herself with energy, personality, eating and going to the bathroom. She was never sick and I contributed it to her barking, as she is extremely nervous.  I had gone away three weeks prior to her death and my sitter said she was barking a lot.  Her cough was increasing to maybe once a day after that and I had my eye on her and I was trying holistic remedies.  Again, I totally thought she had irritated her trachea because she had no other symptoms.  But the last couple of days of her life she started to belly breathe.  I took her to the vet and when I entered the exam room and placed her on the table she collapsed.  The vet wisked her off, but came back 20 minutes later and said she didn't make it.  It is over two months now, and I still can't believe it.  Beside myself is putting it gently.  They did a post x-ray and saw she had a very enlarged heart.  I did not have an autopsy.  What I think happened is that she had the enlarged heart with no symptoms.  Then the minor cough started.  This cough wasn't every day until the last few days of her life, and it was extremely sporatic prior to that.  The symptoms rapidly progressed the last two days and it started to affect her breathing.  The excitement of going to the vet, I think, caused cardiac arrest.  I am completely devastated and it is only getting worse.  I feel so guilty that I didn't see the signs.  I coddled her and she did not go to the vet for check-ups because she was so scared of everything (and I previously had a very traumatic experience with vets with another dog).  She was looked after and pampered and I really focused on her mental state.  She seemed so healthy and I of course would take her to the vet if she was lethargic and/or had any symptoms or wasn't eating.  I thought she had irritated her throat from barking.  She was otherwise her complete self... running up and down 15 steep steps in my house at least 15-20 times per day... jumping on a fairly high bed at least 20 times a day and following me around, getting treats and being her normal affectionate funny self.  Very alert, energetic, and had her spark and zest for life.  She never panted, refused food or seemed out of sorts.  
The vet tried CPR on Frida and said she can only assume she passed due to a clot or stroke.  She did a post x-ray and saw she had a very enlarged heart.
Has anyone ever heard of such a thing.  It is surreal to me.  She was wagging her tail into the vet, and then she was gone.  I can't get past this and I miss her so so much it is unbearable.  I am forever broken and don't know what to do.

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, Mistake said:

Please give me your honest thoughts and opinions on this. Did I do it too soon?

Welcome.  I agree with everyone else that you did the right, though unbelievably painful, thing.  You gave your loving companion comfort, care, and love every day of his life.  And when it was time to say goodbye, you took his pain and suffering on yourself.  I've heard and read more than once that it's better to give them peace 1 week "too early" than wait 1 day "too late."  I think that's because our animal companions live in the present, the now of life.  When they are suffering that's all they know and feel.  IMO, it is the greatest act of love we can give them.  Of course, knowing that logically and rationally does not lessen the pain of losing them.  Our hearts are as broken and our lives are as shattered, but sometimes it can help to remember that we owed them our strength on the very hardest of days.

It's possible that the Cyberknife surgery, had you gotten there, would have extended his life.  Yet, you also went through the "at what cost" (and not just financial).  The risks of multiple anesthesia, the terror of car rides, the "I'm not home home; I want to be home" that he would go through.  You would have lived every moment of that with him, asking yourself over and over, "Am I really doing this because I can't bear to say goodbye?"  We can never be ready to say goodbye, but sometimes it's what we must do for their sake.

If I may be a little bold.  You did not kill your dog.  Age and seizures and a tumor did that.  A woman who runs a hospice for animals put it well, I think:  We don't put them down.  We help lift them up out of their pain and we help ease their way to the Rainbow Bridge, surrounding them with our love as we always have.  That's everything.  It really is.

You will be in all of our hearts today.  I'm glad you found your way here.

[Traz]

On 6/3/2023 at 8:26 AM, Mistake said:

This is very long but I am struggling a lot. Please read if you can.

My dog was 15. He was my entire life. Truly, everything I did was for him. He was really high maintenance and as annoying as it could be, I loved every second of it. I don't have a lot of money but I have spent thousands on him over the years, and I did so happily because taking care of him was my greatest joy. He always got his regular check ups and I always made sure to pay for anything extra that could possibly catch any issues. I always swore my decisions would never be based on money, and they never were. He had kidney disease and high blood pressure but it had been well controlled for years. Besides that, he was perfectly healthy. He got around great, had energy and loved to eat.

A little under a month ago, he had a seizure in the middle of the night. Rushed him to the emergency vet, who said he should see a neurologist because seizures in older dogs could mean a brain tumor. Cue a neurologist visit and an MRI, which confirmed my worst fear...it was a brain tumor. The neurologist said it was small and the next step was anticonvulsants, a steroid and radiation, if I wanted to go that route. Without radiation, she said he could only have months. I was willing to do or pay anything. I had a consultation with a radiation oncologist who said I could do standard radiation, which would be about 5 sessions (he would have to go under anesthesia each time) but had a higher risk of side effects or another option was 3 sessions of Cyberknife radiation. Cyberknife is more targeted with less of a risk to the surrounding brain tissue. The only three downsides were:

1. The fact that he would have to go under anesthesia. He was in good health but he was 15 after all. Going under that many times in a row was terrifying. The radiation oncologist said we could leave a day in between each session so there was some time to recover. But still, going under 3 times in a week was really scary. Plus he would've had to go under for the CT scan before the session started

2. The fact that he would either have to be driven back and forth each day or stay at the vet for a week while they did it. The vet was about an hour away and he hated the car so much. He would shake the entire time, get very worked up in the car and at the vet, Anytime I had to take him to the vet, even my local vet, he would shake so much and get so worked up. I hated that for him

3. The cost. It was about $16,000. I have about $3,000 to my name. I didn't care. I couldn't imagine not doing everything for him. I started looking into loans and credit cards to cover it. I was completely willing to go into debt for him

I decided to go with the Cyberknife but they didn't have an appointment until June 13th, which felt very far away. But he had been doing well and had been stable since the first seizure and I wanted to try everything.

Here is where it all falls apart. He had another seizure two weeks later. He had been on the anticonvulsant and steroid and was doing well. I had bought cameras to put all over my house so I could watch him while I was at work. I had just gotten to work when I noticed a ton of alerts on my from the cameras. I checked and saw he had clearly had another seizure. He was in the post ictal phase and was running all over the house, frantic, not in his right mind. I raced home and rushed him to my local vet. He was recovering at that point but it took him such a long time to recover from these seizures. He didn't just bounce back, he would be pacing/worked up/not himself for hours. He would be screaming/howling at the top of his lungs for the first 20-30 minutes or so...it was so awful.

My vet kept him there for observation most of the day. The local vet wanted to start him on Keppra and up his Zonisimide. The neurologist spoke to her and said we should just raise the Zonisimide. I could tell the local vet thought we should be adding something else, but she said she would go along with the neurologist. I regret so much not adding that other drug. I was listening to the expert on the subject, the neurologist, but I would have done anything if it was the right thing. I picked him up at 4:30pm and brought him home. He ate his dinner and seemed okay, but still a bit off. Then he wouldn't stop whining at me. Nothing I did for him would ease up the whining. He was typically a very demanding/whiny dog so I didn't think much of it, I assumed he was still agitated from the seizure and still recovering. I gave him his increased dose of the anticonvulsant around 5:30pm. He finally settled down around 8pm in his dog bed...and then suddenly, had another seizure. It was so horrible, and knowing this was his second in 12 hours made it so much worse. I tried to administer the rescue medication but it was really, really difficult to do and I don't know if I did it correctly or not. I rushed him to the emergency vet. The emergency vet was very somber and kept saying he's so sorry, and acting like my dog was as good as gone. He was still alive and recovering from the seizure but the emergency vet said I had 3 choices

1. Consider euthanasia. This is the first time this had even been mentioned and shocked me

2. Keep him there on seizure watch and add some more meds to prevent seizures, if I wanted to get him to radiation. However, I could tell the emergency vet thought it wasn't necessarily the best move to put an old dog through that. But at the same time, he didn't know my dog and know how well he was doing in between these seizures

3. They could stabilize him as best they could and I could bring him home and see how he does/how he recovers overnight

I opted for option 3. They gave him a dose of Keppra (Looking back, it may have been a large dose? They needed 45 minutes or so to do it) I brought him home and he was still very much not with it. All he wanted to do was pace or eat treats. He was OBSESSED with his treats. You could tell he still wasn't really in his right mind. He was obsessed with the treats in such an odd way and as soon as you didn't give him one, he would start pacing again. I was so terrified he was going to have another seizure. I truly felt like the next one could kill him because he was so off from the first 2. I was on the phone several times with a vet tech at the emergency vet. She said I could try Gabapentin to settle him down so I did, but it didn't work. At one point I was terrified he was going to have another and he was acting off so the emergency vet tech told me to administer his rescue seizure med. I kept asking if it was okay to give all of this medication together and she said yes. Looking back, I truly believe all of the medication were contributing to his decline. But I just wanted to prevent another seizure.

This was all happening overnight so my regular vet wasn't open. My uncle was with me to help and we talked all night about continuing to put him through all of this, the radiation included. I was so, so sure I was going to do it but watching him feeling so miserable made me feel beyond sick. He had such a great year this past year and was doing so well...did I want his last year to be car rides and vets and poking and prodding and radiation and anesthesia and probably more seizures? The radiation oncologist sounded confident we could potentially treat the tumor so he could live out the rest of his natural life. But still, he was 15...how much more time did he have? But he had been doing SO WELL until this brain tumor, and I was willing to do anything for him. I was absolutely terrified he was going to have a seizure that didn't stop and die that way. I work full time and am out of the house a good part of the day and I was so terrified he would have more seizures at home alone without anyone to help him and suffer and possibly die alone.

He kept declining and didn't seem mentally with it still. He started having trouble walking and was very shaky/wobbly. However, I really think that was all of the medication. The vet tech confirmed that the wobbly legs was probably from meds, but the pacing was from the seizures and they didn't know if it was permaent or not yet. I don't know if he had any brain damage from the multiple seizures or if he was just still recovering. But I was so terrified of him suffering and spending his last year like this. I know some dogs can have seizures and recover rather quickly but it seemed so hard on him. I called my vet as soon as they opened and said he's declining quickly, and they fit me in for an emergency appt to put him to sleep. I truly felt like it was the right thing to do, after talking all night with my uncle and watching my dog decline and have a horrible night. I couldn't imagine making him live like this, even on and off, for the next year. The radiation was 3 weeks away but it may as well have been 50 years away. It felt so out of reach. Plus the reality of putting him through that was hitting me. So I put him to sleep.

But days later, it's like I woke up. What the hell did I do? Yes, he was suffering in the short term and yes, the potential for more seizures was there. But I didn't even give him a chance to recover. We had barely tweaked his meds. I was so terrified of him suffering that I ended his life prematurely. I cannot get over the fact that he was doing so well in between the seizures. Everything you read about putting a dog to sleep talks about quality of life...and his was almost all great. His eating, his energy, his ability to go for walks. The seizures were terrible, yes...but radiation was on the horizon. Granted, the radiation meant car rides and vet visits and anesthesia. But don't I owe him that chance?? Or would that just be for me? I don't know. Everyone in my life is telling me that I spared him suffering and he died with me next to him, and that is a good thing. But I truly believe I robbed him of life.

I am drowning in regret. I didn't even speak to my regular vet before putting him to sleep! It all happened so fast and it happened overnight and by the time my vet opened, I had been watching him suffer all night and couldn't stand it anymore. They knew he had the brain tumor but still. But now that some time has passed, I am torturing myself. I truly believe I made a mistake. Everyone in my life said I didn't, but what else are they going to say? My best friend lost her dog to a seizure that didn't stop it had happened at an emergency vet and she wasn't even there with her dog at the time, and she promises me my regret would be greater if he died in that horrible way. But I am driving myself insane. I can't stop crying. I can't go to work. I can't get out of bed. feel like I don't deserve to eat. If he isn't here to enjoy food, why do I get to? I have to look into FMLA because this has thrown me into such a deep despair and depression. I am so angry at myself for not giving him more time. He was on so many meds at the time and he had 2 seizures in 12 hours, of course he needed more time to recover!!! He could have been admitted to a vet and kept for observation and I could have had a conversation with a vet. Or multiple vets! Part of the issue was that this happened over Memorial Day weekend, so even though my vet was opened a short time on Saturday, they were going to close and the neurologist was closed until Tuesday. I would've had to admit him to the emergency vet for the weekend, and I was so scared he would die there without me.

I can't forgive myself. Truly, I wish I had died with him. I can't live with this regret. He was such a happy dog and healthy in every other way. Yes, he had a brain tumor but the Cyberknife radiation was so promising. I made my last dog hang on too long and I always swore I wouldn't do that again. But I overcorrected. This is horrible. Knowing I robbed him of life, without so much as a real discussion with a vet?? It's too much to bear. Like I said, I can't work right now and am going to try to get FMLA for depression/anxiety. I am trying to find a therapist to begin to work through this. But I don't feel like I deserve to feel better. I deserve this for what I did.

I don't know what I am looking for here. Thank you if you read too far. Please give me your honest thoughts and opinions on this. Did I do it too soon? I am drowning.

You absolutely did the right thing. Please relieve yourself of the terrible burden of guilt. In going for the radiation treatments, you would have only prolonged the inevitable. The effects of radiation treatments are not nice. My friend's Australian Shepard went through an awful ordeal and in the end passed away anyway. All so unnecessary. You want to feel like you did everything possible, and you did. Many people do not have the funds for expensive procedures/treatments like that and they love their pets as much as anyone else.  They would have no other choice but to euthanize them. Would you judge them for that or think less of them? 

I'm sorry, but there are wonderful animal practitioners out there and there are some who just see dollar signs. I feel like your dog's neurologist was giving you false hope to be honest. Just my opinion. 

My sister goes through the same emotions as you do when she has to put one of her animals down. The guilt is a pattern with her - no matter how wonderful she was to her pets, she always suffers this terrible guilt. Life is about intentions. Our intentions are the key to our moral compass. If your intentions are good, nothing else matters. So you can free yourself from that burden of guilt by knowing that.

I believe unhealthy patterns of guilt are an underlying symptom of something else. Perhaps past trauma or the way someone was parented ie: they had guilt thrown in their face constantly - could contribute to dysfunctional patterns of thinking. 

I think counselling and/or therapy is a positive thing either way. You can sort through your grief while discovering the root causes as to why you feel this way. 

I truly hope you find healing and peace. You are worth it. 

Traz

[Nicholas06]

On 6/3/2023 at 9:04 AM, Mistake said:

Thank you so much for replying. I am so sorry to hear about your dog and how he went out as well. That sounds so difficult.

I did have the best intentions but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I don't feel like I can forgive myself for not trying harder. For not giving him more of a shot. I was so terrified of him suffering that I feel like I just gave up. I don't know how to live with this

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your pet. While I've been in your shoes before with having to make the decision when to end the suffering only to begin second guessing that decision and hating myself for not giving her more time. It is impossible to predict the future and you cannot begin to know that anything you did with the best of intention was too much, not enough, or exactly right. You can only accept the choices made as being the best you believed for your pet with the information given at the time. Now is not the time to be kicking yourself for making a decision that you now believe to be made in haste as if there was any better outcome then your very would have steered you toward waiting for another period of time.