Been away to long, happy to be back with friends

[Deborah_M]

Hi to all my friends that I have made here on Grieving. First let me update you, for the last two months I've been very busy.  April was full of going to grief support group, which finished the first week in May, did it help?  Some what, but didn't seem to fill the void,  May I had more family visitors, some only wanted to come and take things back home, two came to help me clean up and clean out.  Two weeks of per-stress, but I kept it together. Last week of May, my youngest Som came to visit, had not seen him since December.  We had a good time and I got to visit with my Grand-Daughter.  The short visit of two days (Memorial Weekend). Now everyone is gone and I'm right back were I was before they came to visit.

None of them understood what I'm going through.  Being alone and trying to keep this place up myself, a lot for a 71 year old woman. We talked about selling and offered different solutions, such as...more closer, buy a new house, rent an apartment, get a roommate....to many options with out a clear picture of what future each option would bring.

Last night...I had a dream of my husband.  We were standing looking at each other, in the dream we had been apart for so long and then we embraced each other in a long kiss.  I woke up and he was gone.

I know that I am not alone, most of us feel lonely, I've tried putting on the happy face and staying busy but it's just not working for me...I guess you could say I feel very sad right now.  I pray most of the day to God and ask him to guide me and show me what I need to do, but I see no future for me, no joy,  Yes...it has only been 7 -1/2 months.  But this journey still sucks and I can tell my health is going down hill.  I really don't care anymore.  Sorry for dumping on everyone...hope you are having a better day than I am.  God bless all of you, I'm sure I'll be back on here more now.  

[widower2]

Welcome back; yes, this journey will have its ups and downs, just glad you had some "ups." 

[RichS]

WELCOME BACK............I'm sure that the members on this board will help fill in some of the void in your life.

[KayC]

Hi Deborah, I'm glad they came for a visit, I don't get that often at all, I think it's been 2 1/2-3 1/2 years for my daughter and my son has come once since 4 1/3 years ago.

I am 70 and understand about age.  I hope you will keep coming here, it's been a while. 

[Sheilz]

You can look at it as a nice distraction... the last couple months.  That's a couple months that weren't so lonely.  I'm pretty new here but I can feel everything you mentioned.  

6 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

None of them understood what I'm going through.  Being alone and trying to keep this place up myself, a lot for a 71 year old woman

I understand because I'm in the same boat.  And the future is so scary now without our partner.  

 

6 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

Last night...I had a dream of my husband.  We were standing looking at each other, in the dream we had been apart for so long and then we embraced each other in a long kiss.  I woke up and he was gone.

I have not dreamt of my husband yet.  It's only 3 weeks but I would have thought I would have been riddled with them because he left so suddenly.  Do I want to???  I think I do because I miss him so much and would love to see him again but waking up to the reality would be devastating.  So I'm not sure what to wish for.

 

6 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

I've tried putting on the happy face and staying busy but it's just not working for me

I can't even muster up the energy to do that yet.  It must be so exhausting to try to look like things are getting easier when they are not.  

 

6 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

But this journey still sucks and I can tell my health is going down hill.

Yes it does.  Sending hugs to you because sometimes we just need that.

This forum has been a positive reinforcement that I am not alone... so neither are you.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I have not dreamt of my husband yet. 

It took me a year to dream of him and I didn't get that, still don't, we were together all of the time when not working! We were each other's world! Rare to get one...I hold onto the day we'll be together again.

[JamesF]

On 6/2/2023 at 5:48 PM, Deborah_M said:

 I pray most of the day to God and ask him to guide me and show me what I need to do

Hi Deborah, I'm so sorry for the loss you have suffered in your life. Perhaps, in a way, God answered your prayers by guiding you back here where friends can console and comfort each other. Until we are reunited with those we have lost, remember to be kind to yourself every day. And never forget we're all here for one another.

[Deborah_M]

On 6/2/2023 at 12:07 PM, widower2 said:

Welcome back; yes, this journey will have its ups and downs, just glad you had some "ups." 

Glad to hear from you, hope you are doing OK. Hoping for a restful weekend for everyone...I know weekends are not so good for most of us.  

2 hours ago, JamesF said:

Hi Deborah, I'm so sorry for the loss you have suffered in your life. Perhaps, in a way, God answered your prayers by guiding you back here where friends can console and comfort each other. Until we are reunited with those we have lost, remember to be kind to yourself every day. And never forget we're all here for one another.

Hi JamesF, I think you are right about God answering my prayer.  Sometimes, I think I miss it when he talks to me....

[Deborah_M]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

It took me a year to dream of him and I didn't get that, still don't, we were together all of the time when not working! We were each other's world! Rare to get one...I hold onto the day we'll be together again.

This is the first time I have had a dream of him, it was so real.  I'm just now starting to have dreams again.  Most of them don't make much sense.  It's like watching a movie, wish I could remember them when I wake up. that dream just make me miss him that much more.  Like you KayC, I pray for the day God takes me home and we are together again.  I'm glad to see you on here, I always like hearing what you have to say.  Here is a hug and a prayer for you.🙏🤗  You are a wonderful person, you always left my spirits.  Have a good weekend.

[Deborah_M]

9 hours ago, Gator M said:

THIS.   It can't come soon enough.

Hi Gator:  How you doing?  hoping you are doing better than me.  Seems like this sadness will never end.  I don't even try anymore.  Just try to get through one day at a time.  Glad to see you are still on here.  Hey, it's raining in Shreveport/Bossier.  The rain is good. cooled down the heat.  Take care. Have missed all my friends here. You are one of them 🙂

[Deborah_M]

23 hours ago, Sheilz said:

You can look at it as a nice distraction... the last couple months.  That's a couple months that weren't so lonely.  I'm pretty new here but I can feel everything you mentioned.  

I understand because I'm in the same boat.  And the future is so scary now without our partner.  

 

I have not dreamt of my husband yet.  It's only 3 weeks but I would have thought I would have been riddled with them because he left so suddenly.  Do I want to???  I think I do because I miss him so much and would love to see him again but waking up to the reality would be devastating.  So I'm not sure what to wish for.

 

I can't even muster up the energy to do that yet.  It must be so exhausting to try to look like things are getting easier when they are not.  

 

Yes it does.  Sending hugs to you because sometimes we just need that.

This forum has been a positive reinforcement that I am not alone... so neither are you.

Sheila:  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I don't even know what to say.  Your time has been so short, I'm glad you found this website.  really great people here.  If there is anything I can do to help you, reach out.  My husband died 7 1/2 months ago, at first, time went by so slowly.  a month seemed like a year.  I never thought I would get through it, then at the 6 month mark time started speeding up, A month just seemed to fly by.  a week seemed like two weeks and the next thing I knew, I was in the next month.

 I just had my first dream about my husband, I wanted to have more but they just didn't come.  I did feel his presence a lot, I could hear him calling my name, which was comforting.  Then nothing for the last 3 months until I had his dream.  I felt like he was trying to tell me his was still here and waiting for me.

 My heart goes out to you...this will be the toughest journey of your life.  I hope you have family close...that will help some.  Just remember, your friends here understand and will be here to help you.  Take care, God Bless🙏 ~ Deborah

[KayC]

What a beautiful thing to do, to give individual personalized responses! Bless you.

[Sheilz]

12 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

at first, time went by so slowly.  a month seemed like a year.  I never thought I would get through it, then at the 6 month mark time started speeding up, A month just seemed to fly by.  a week seemed like two weeks and the next thing I knew, I was in the next month.

Time is just a blur for me.  I'm not sure if it's going slow or fast because I seem to be caught in a time warp or something.  Not quite a month yet & I can't figure out if that is a long time or a short time.  I might be getting confused in all this sadness.  The sadness & pain seems to be getting worse and all consuming.  I'm beginning to give in to the draw of staying in bed curled up & crying all the time.  I fought the feeling for the first few weeks but I find myself succumbing to it more & more.  Forcing myself to not go down that path is exhausting and I keep thinking "Why not".  What's the reason for getting up????

12 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

this will be the toughest journey of your life.  I hope you have family close...that will help some.  Just remember, your friends here understand and will be here to help you.

You're right.  This is the toughest thing that has ever happened.  Without family & friends it's going to be a lonely road.  He was my protector.  He was my comfort.  I will never feel comfortable again.  I'm fortunate that I found this site.  It seems that I'm always checking it to read something or post something.  I hope I'm not being too needy here with all my posts & lurking around.  But it makes me feel like I'm not so alone.  Thank you everyone on this forum.  Bless everyone.  

[DWS]

3 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I might be getting confused in all this sadness.  The sadness & pain seems to be getting worse and all consuming.  I'm beginning to give in to the draw of staying in bed curled up & crying all the time.  I fought the feeling for the first few weeks but I find myself succumbing to it more & more.  Forcing myself to not go down that path is exhausting and I keep thinking "Why not".  What's the reason for getting up????

There's likely more good in that...giving into grief rather than fighting it. I think eventually we begin this battle within ourselves. This idea that we should be stronger than this which begins our personal struggle of feeling we should be better than how we were, say, yesterday...and if yesterday, we actually felt things were lighter than today, we start to wonder if something is truly wrong with us. This is where being a friend to ourselves really needs to kick in. The loss of our partner or spouse is huge and intense but it's also unique to us. The majority of us have never dealt with such devastation. There's no tried and true solution whatsoever to our unique loss. 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Sheilz said:

It seems that I'm always checking it to read something or post something.  I hope I'm not being too needy here

No, this is exactly what this website is for. 

[Deborah_M]

11 hours ago, Sheilz said:

 

You're right.  This is the toughest thing that has ever happened.  Without family & friends it's going to be a lonely road.  He was my protector.  He was my comfort.  I will never feel comfortable again.  I'm fortunate that I found this site.  It seems that I'm always checking it to read something or post something.  I hope I'm not being too needy here with all my posts & lurking around.  But it makes me feel like I'm not so alone.  Thank you everyone on this forum.  Bless everyone.  

Sheila:  Do you have a pet? or family living close?  I don't have family close enough to go visit or see them often.  Last month was the first Time I saw any family in 6 months.  We talk on the phone and it helps, but it is not like being able to look them in the face or give them a hug.  I have two dogs that are my only companions, and since I live in the country, no next door neighbors.  I started going to a local church that had a grief support program, I've meet several ladies there that are widows and we have become friends. But when truth is said, we all feel the loneliness and try not to talk about  it is.  This is the best place to find help and comfort.  I think just being able to say what is on your mind and know that you are not going to be judged allows you to release some of that hurt, confusion, and fear.  Everyone's journey is unique and personable and at the same time, we deal with the same issues.  To me, that is comforting.  It's ok to be here everyday, several times a day.  as much as you need.  Some of us need a lot, some only need a little. It is what ever you feel comfortable with.  Prayers for you🙏

[William M]

"But it makes me feel like I'm not so alone."

More than anything else. I think this is the main reason for the existence of this site, and why it gives so much comfort to those that come here.   Even surrounded by family and friends you can feel utterly alone. There might as well be a giant block wall between you and them!  Why?  Because they just don't fully get it, but everyone here does!