Getting Worse

[Nancy2]

It is two months today since my husband vanished from my life and instead of getting better, I am getting worse.  I feel more shocked, more outraged, more delirious, and filled with sadness.  I cry many times throughout the day.  I am in a living nightmare.  I just can't get over the fact that all of my friends still have husbands who are still the same.  They are not sick, they are going out, having fun, and nothing for them has changed.  But my husband was handsome and healthy, riding his bike 30 miles at a time several days a week, and then out of nowhere  he got a rare disease the doctors took forever to diagnose, and then he got sepsis after a stem cell transplant, and then everything changed in my life.  I thought he would get better after the treatment, but the exact opposite happened.  I have been trying to process it, but it's getting harder to do so.  

[shawnt]

Give yourself time, ask for help wherever you can find it. Be gentle with yourself. I know it does fiddly now but you will get thru this storm , it never gets better but it does become bearable. 

[RichS]

Nancy:  We on this board are very sorry for your loss. All of us have experienced the same emotions as you’re experiencing right now. Our members are here to listen, sympathize and support each other. We can do the same for you. WELCOME!!.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Nancy2 said:

instead of getting better, I am getting worse. 

Of course you are, that's how it happens, in the beginning we have shock that protects us (even though we don't feel that way), it's the hardest thing I've ever been through and that says a LOT as II've been through a lot in my life. It takes what it takes, whether two years, five, or ten, but it WILL feel more manageable eventually as your body begins to process this and hone its coping skills.  Just get through this ONE DAY AT A TIME and keep coming here.

[Sheilz]

12 hours ago, Nancy2 said:

It is two months today since my husband vanished from my life and instead of getting better, I am getting worse.  I feel more shocked, more outraged, more delirious, and filled with sadness.  I cry many times throughout the day.  I am in a living nightmare. 

I feel all that too.  It's only been 3 weeks for me but this nightmare continues daily.  My husband left me suddenly & I still can't believe it.  I can't even imagine going through this every day for the rest of my life.  But everyone says it will get easier with time.  How much time.... everyone is different.  It's kind of comforting to know that everyone feels the same pain, shock, outrage & just plain heartbreak.  No one gets it but us fellow kindred spirits trying to navigate this terribly lonely journey.  I don't really have any advice yet except to listen to the people here because they "get" it.  Lean on people in your life, ask for help if you have people in your life, and understand that you are going through the worst thing that you will every have to go through & it will take lots of time & tears.  

I don't have much support so this forum has been a godsend.  Please come back (all the time) & read & post & cry with us.  Bless you.

 

12 hours ago, Nancy2 said:

I have been trying to process it, but it's getting harder to do so.  

I will never be able to wrap my head around what has happened..... never.  I just hope to learn to function.

20 minutes ago, KayC said:

  Just get through this ONE DAY AT A TIME and keep coming here.

Nancy2... this is the only thing to try at this time.  

[widower2]

Thought I would see how both of you are holding up. Better, I hope.

[Sheilz]

Life is still so hard for me.  Struggling to stay stable.  It's been 4 months for me & the shock of it all still is so vivid.  Will I ever stop thinking or hoping he will walk back through that door & say "I'm home".  Tears come just writing this.  But I am crying less but it is always lurking in the background.... wherever I am or whatever I'm doing.  

I still read lots of posts here which always hits home.  With not much support it's a blessing coming here.  

[KayC]

Yes, in time you will quit jumping when the phone rings or thinking you heard his vehicle in the driveway.  I don't recall how long it took, so much of that early time is a blur, I remember how I felt but timeline...

[Nancy2]

On 9/16/2023 at 8:19 AM, Sheilz said:

Life is still so hard for me.  Struggling to stay stable.  It's been 4 months for me & the shock of it all still is so vivid.  Will I ever stop thinking or hoping he will walk back through that door & say "I'm home".  Tears come just writing this.  But I am crying less but it is always lurking in the background.... wherever I am or whatever I'm doing.  

I still read lots of posts here which always hits home.  With not much support it's a blessing coming here.  

  I still don't understand how it happened, how he could have died, why I couldn't protect him, or how the so-called number 1 cancer hospital in the world let him get sepsis and a cardiac arrest and then brought him back in a vegetative state.  How did that happen?  He was supposed to go to the hospital and get better, not die in the hospital.  And I too still expect him to walk through the door.  It's so weird that he's not coming home.  I have OK days where I don't cry or only once, but it is always lurking in the background.  Now I'm alone in everything I do.  I will have to face life's adversities without my supportive, loving husband.  Even the little things.  There was a frog in my pool yesterday, and I couldn't run to him to take the frog out.  I had to do that all by myself.  

[KayC]

I, too, never got any answers, George had complained if heart symptoms to his doctor, his doctored pooed it off, never referred him to a Cardiologist, never took him seriously, I didn't realize until he landed in the hospital and after a day of testing discovered he'd sustained major heart damage months before, and I knew when, he'd been puzzled as he "went out" and wrecked his car.  The surgeon said the airbag going off gave the thrust to his chest that gae him six more months to live.  Only we didn't know that then.  Had we known, I'd have gotten him on diability and we'd have cherished every moment...but what am I talking about, we always cherished evry moment.e

I can relate to every word you say...

[Nancy2]

4 minutes ago, KayC said:

I, too, never got any answers, George had complained if heart symptoms to his doctor, his doctored pooed it off, never referred him to a Cardiologist, never took him seriously, I didn't realize until he landed in the hospital and after a day of testing discovered he'd sustained major heart damage months before, and I knew when, he'd been puzzled as he "went out" and wrecked his car.  The surgeon said the airbag going off gave the thrust to his chest that gae him six more months to live.  Only we didn't know that then.  Had we known, I'd have gotten him on diability and we'd have cherished every moment...but what am I talking about, we always cherished evry moment.e

I can relate to every word you say...

I feel like so often doctors, especially primary care doctors, rush you in and out and don't spend enough time with you or take your complaints seriously.  The outcome for my husband would have been different too if he were diagnosed correctly a year earlier.  You are lucky that you feel like you cherished every moment.  I don't even feel that.