Do you find yourself thinking "Who's next?"

[ThereIsAField]

My partner passed away 7 years ago and my best friend died three years ago and ever since, I find my brain automatically keeps thinking "Who's next?"

My beloved dog is 11 years old, so I know his remaining time is very finite.

My own health has been going downhill, I feel like my body is falling apart, so it wouldn't surprise me if my doctor gives me a bad diagnosis any time.

It's like my brain is in "death mode" and just keeps expecting more deaths and losses to take place now.

It makes it very hard to enjoy things... Like, I find it hard to enjoy time with my dog the way that I used to, because I worry that I could get bad news from the vet any time soon. I had a cancer scare with him this year already, but thankfully it turned out to be a benign tumor.

If I think about making plans, my brain tells me "Don't get too cocky, you could get a bad diagnosis at any time... I wouldn't invest in those plans too much, if I were you."

I'm wondering whether others have these thoughts too. They feel very morbid and gloomy to me. But at the same time, my brain points out that everyone *does* die and it can happen any time, and at a certain age, you can start counting how many years you probably have "left"...

[widower2]

Yes been there/done that. Within a few years I lost in order my beloved's dog (I know just a dog but we were close and she was extremely close to him so very hard), my best friend's dad (they are like a second family to me), my beloved, and my sister. And I found myself thinking just that, "who's next?" Then a few years later I had a heart attack, not realizing who's next could be me. 

Having a flurry of losses can really do a number on you like that. Gradually those thoughts eased, even though as you say it's part of life, but it's something I try not to obsess on.

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

My beloved dog is 11 years old, so I know his remaining time is very finite.

Never underestimate the longevity of your pets. I had a red doberman named Brandy who lived for 18 years. Lengthy for a dog of her size. She was a sweet heart. She even had surgery for a disc in her neck when she was 12. She also taught me why dobermans ears are clipped hers were not. As they get older the blood vessels in the tips of their ears can break and bleed when they shake their heads and make a mess that goes everywhere. I have her ashes and she will be going with me and join Vickie and I when mine are taken to Alabama and placed where Vickie was laid to rest with her family.

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, widower2 said:

I know just a dog but we were close and she was extremely close to him so very hard

I'm sure you know that to the members here, there's no such thing as "just a dog."  Our animal companions are not "just" anything.  They are family.  Until I lost John, the deaths that hit me hardest were my soulmate in a dog Charlie Bear and John's soulmate in a cat Penny.  And that includes having already lost my father by then.

It's tragic that you had so many painful losses one after another like that.  And yes, I have been at the "Who's next?" point a few times.  John's favorite uncle (only 14 years older, similar to my baby sister and me) died only a month after John.  It wasn't unexpected, but it really knocked me down further into the bleak darkness that was my life at the time.

[widower2]

7 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I'm sure you know that to the members here, there's no such thing as "just a dog."  Our animal companions are not "just" anything.  They are family. 

Thanks and I hear you...and that's how it is for you and I and many others, but not everyone. I know people, I mean good people, who care about their pets but in the end they draw a line at them being a pet. And I'm not saying it's right or wrong, everyone has their way.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, widower2 said:

just a dog

No such thing as "just a" anything to the person who loves it.  When I lost my Arlie it felt like losing George all over again, we'd lived alone together for 10 1/2 years, he was my goofiest dog and most communicative.  I still miss him 3 1/2 years later!

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

but not everyone

I could give a rat's fig about "everyone," here they are so much more, esp. when you read the loss of pet section.

[widower2]

Not going down this rabbit hole any further....

[shawnt]

I love my dog, I have loved all my dogs. I usually only have one but years ago I had a brother and sister , lost her to the road when she was 3( she was never that bright) her brother lived another 10 years (he was a great dog) and I truly believe he missed her his entire life, I buried her bell and collar with him.

The old boy I have now is getting up there (he might miss my wife as much as I do) and he won't be here long. I will get another ( and hopefully 2 or 3 more) and I will love them all the same.

I think that is life and what makes it precious ;it is finite and we are all only given so much. I worry that I am wasting some of mine not getting on with it. I have never seen a monument or statue of a grieving husband

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

Not going down this rabbit hole any further....

That’s fair. Thinking about these losses really can suck us into the dark pit.❤️

[shawnt]

It bothers me when I have a new puppy to know that that little bundle of energy will be an old limper in the blink of an eye and all I can do is make sure they have a good life. Also sooner or later I will have one that will outlast me.

I would like to live in a world where lifespan was measured in dogs.

"Old Fred had a good long life he had 8 dogs that loved him. "

[ThereIsAField]

This thread seems to have turned into an animal thread 😄  🐱🐶🐹🐰

2 minutes ago, shawnt said:

It bothers me when I have a new puppy to know that that little bundle of energy will be an old limper in the blink of an eye and all I can do is make sure they have a good life. Also sooner or later I will have one that will outlast me.

I would like to live in a world where lifespan was measured in dogs.

"Old Fred had a good long life he had 8 dogs that loved him. "

That's great! 🧡

I know we can't time and plan these things... but my "plan" is that as I get older, I want to get dogs from the shelter that are older too, so that our potential lifespans are similar... I  hate the thought of a dog outliving me and me having to try to rehome him/ her on my deathbed.

[shawnt]

My sister and brother in law have done that many times. Some very nice dogs, one very aggressive and one that was a poop anywhere kinda dog.  All of them older so a little calmer but harder to train. My brother in law enjoys working with them but my sister is heart broken when they go. They do give them a nice home and a good life and I admire them for that. I like to start at the beginning and really bond over a life time( good & bad)

[KayC]

Kodie could potentially take me to age 83, I can't picture starting over at that age and having the dog rehomed when I die, that seems so awful for the dog. Kodie is my incentive to live as long and as healthy as I can, for him.

[Blondiefan]

Totally relate. If I lose my pets on top of everything else I don't know how I would cope. My oldest dog is 11 and having some problems. He has bad anxiety, to which of course I can relate.

[KayC]

Just now, Blondiefan said:

Totally relate. If I lose my pets on top of everything else I don't know how I would cope. My oldest dog is 11 and having some problems. He has bad anxiety, to which of course I can relate.

I got my last dog on CBD oil, it helps with anxiety.

1 minute ago, Blondiefan said:

to which of course I can relate.

I take Buspar (buspirone), the safest anxiety med I know of, I've been on it for 15 years and no side effects. It doesn't alter the brain like SSRIs and is mild enough you can cope without feeling like a zombie.   Good luck to you!

[Blondiefan]

Thank you KayC. I might just try that. Nothing like rescue remedy works. Poor dog. He is my oldest

[KayC]

I replied (somewhere) but not finding it...
 

26 minutes ago, Blondiefan said:

Thank you KayC. I might just try that. Nothing like rescue remedy works. Poor dog. He is my oldest

I am so sorry for all of your losses! It helps to come here, a safe place where others get it and understand, and read/post. It helps us process our grief and know we are not alone in what we're going through.
Multiple Losses

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Blondiefan]

We had a walk and he barks at everything, cars, planes, fresh air....he loves humans though. He is a good boy. The other two dogs look at him like he is odd, of course the cat does not care either way

I find myself just going through the motions each day, rinse and repeat. Ive hospital tomorrow. Early cancer diagnosis. Sounds terrible, i don't care except for my pets. This grief just sucks

[Blondiefan]

4 minutes ago, KayC said:

I replied (somewhere) but not finding it...
 

I am so sorry for all of your losses! It helps to come here, a safe place where others get it and understand, and read/post. It helps us process our grief and know we are not alone in what we're going through.
Multiple Losses

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

Thanky you KayC ive found it x

[KayC]

1 minute ago, Blondiefan said:

Ive hospital tomorrow. Early cancer diagnosis. Sounds terrible, i don't care except for my pets. This grief just sucks

I am sorry about your cancer, my best friend is going through that.

[Blondiefan]

Im sure I will be fine, and ive a good health insurance plan, im lucky I know that.

I have to be honest, I thought about no treatment, so I could just go...this all hurts too much. Everyone thinks I should get over things but its too much, the saddness and loss, consuming

I am having a bad anniversary day. So sorry

[Blondiefan]

5 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am sorry about your cancer, my best friend is going through that.

I hope she will be okay, best friends are angels x

[KayC]

Thinking of you today and holding you in prayer.

You may not feel like living right now (excepting your pets) but you want to give it a chance so that later on down the road things can be better...not well, but better.  It takes much time.

[Blondiefan]

Feels so hard, im grateful to be accepted here. I tried so hard to help him. He is with me though I believe that. 

[Blondiefan]

Thank you x

[Gail 8588]

@ThereIsAField

Who's next?  is something I do struggle with.  After my husband died, I lost a BIL and a SIL and 3 close friends.  Another BIL is dying now from brain cancer.  Just yesterday a woman I play bridge with died from an unknown ailment that was attacking her internal organs.  Six months ago she was playing 18 holes of golf regularly. 

I think it is a function of age. I am almost 70 and many of my friends are older than I am. 

"Tomorrow is promised to no one" feels very true for me these days. 

Gail 

[KayC]

I felt this as well when I lost my BIL (my brother for 50 years) and 1 1/2 years later my closest sister. So hard.  Then Mike, Iris' husband.  It makes you afraid to get close to someone. But I don't think I have anyone left...

 

[ThereIsAField]

My subconscious is still really stuck on this topic... I'm constantly wondering who will be next? (possibly me?) I think grieving has pushed me into a depression, and I expect bad things to happen. They've happened once, so there's nothing stopping it happening again. Also, I know it's stupid, but it feels like a punishment... His death is the worst thing that's ever happened to me and it feels like I'm being punished for... not being enough? having done something wrong? something about me being wrong? I can't shake that feeling nor the feeling that there's more bad stuff to come, also to punish me for... ? I know it's dumb, but my mind can't seem to shake this.

[KayC]

I second Gator's response to you...

[Gail 8588]

A week ago last Thursday (Sept 21) my good friend dropped dead, totally unexpectedly on a business retreat in Arizona. His wife is one of my closest friends.  My heart breaks for her as she begins this terrible journey we have all been on.

I don't like being in the position of the one who knows what this type of loss means.  I don't have any words of comfort to offer. I don't know any way out of this terrible pain.  I can't say it will get better soon. It didn't get better for me until year 4. I can't tell her that.

I had the same dilemma when my BIL died in July. 

I keep telling myself their grief journeys may not be as long and hard as mine. I shouldn't project my experience onto them.

I just hate being the one they turn to for guidance on how to survive this unbearable pain when I know I fell deeper and deeper into dispair as years went by. 

My advice of 'take it one day at a time, one hour or moment at a time some days', seems like so little help.  

I hate that my BIL and my good friend have died. I miss them and grieve for them. I feel overwhelmed that I can't give my SIL or my newly widowed friend any insight, peace or hope. Brain cancer, heart attack, it's just so unfair. It's not your fault. Breathe. I know the pain is crushing. Just focus on getting through today.  I wish I had a magic wand.

Gail

 

[KayC]

27 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

I don't like being in the position of the one who knows what this type of loss means.  I don't have any words of comfort to offer. I don't know any way out of this terrible pain. 

So don't give them empty words, tell them truth, that it won't always feel as it does now although we're all different so you can't say when.  Sometimesw it helps them just to know someone knows what they're going through even if they can't help them.

22 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Just be there to listen.  I cherish that more than anything.

Prayers for you, your family and friends.

Yes.

[Sar123]

@Gator M and @KayC Great advice.
 

I would like to add a couple of things that have helped me. Call or text your friend occasionally and ask how she’s doing.  Stay in contact. I think that’s important. If she lives close to you, see if she wants to go out to lunch, a walk, maybe a movie or invite her over just to talk. My sister and a couple of friends did this for me and it has helped. I’m still grieving and miss my husband terribly, but trying to stay busy has helped.  

[KayC]

Both very good points!