3 Months..

[chandralynn2012]

This month on the 24th, it will have been 3 months since my mom has been gone. I looked at the calendar this past weekend and realized that Mother's Day is this Sunday..oh how I used to take that day for granted. I loved my mom with all my heart, but I too am guilty of just expecting her to always be there. Last year for Mother's Day I spent a few hours with her at the nursing home-gave her a hug and a kiss, a blanket that I had created online with pictures on it, and left for the day. Never once did I suspect that Mother's Day would be the last one I would spend with her... My grief now is no less strong than it was 3 months ago, it is just less frequent. I find the weirdest things bring tears to my eyes. I can be sitting anywhere in the nursing home she lived in, see a flash of her in front of me, and start crying. We are in the process of implementing a new medical records software where I work- and anytime we talk about hospice, or declining health, or bedridden patients, those last few days of my mom's life replay in my head, and the tears start to flow. We found out 2 weeks ago that we actually got to keep the money from my mom's insurance policy-each of us kids got $20,000. I now OWN a '02 Concorde, that had only 1 owner who barely drove it, and paid very little for it. We were very lucky to find the car we did. It very much looks like a car my mom would have picked out-and somehow I feel every time I am in it that she is there with me. Amongst my grief, I am trying to move on with my life. I invited my mother-in-law to a spa day this Saturday. I knew I wanted to get her something nice for Mother's Day, and was trying to think of what I wanted. So, we're going together to get massages, facials, and manicures. I am pretty excited-it's something I always wanted to do with my mom but was never able to.. I got to thinking of my mom today and had to dial her cell phone number- I got that same old recording of her voice that I've heard a 1000 times. What I wouldn't give to just have her say "Hi Chan!" or "I love you!"

[dizzydancingway]

I'm really glad you have your mother in law! My boyfriend doesn't have a mom anymore either, and I find that I've become much closer with the friends I have that are mothers. Their presence comforts me so much. I myself have started to rely on my aunts, especially around mothers day. I see them as the closest thing I have to a mom and I know my own mother would have been so happy that I felt I could turn to them. You seem like you are doing so well, staying brave. Its been over a year for me and I find that it doesn't exactly get easier, but the sadness does come at me less frequently and that makes life just a little easier.

[chandralynn2012]

Today is January 14, 2013. I'm looking at the calendar and realizing how close it is getting to the one year anniversary of my mom's death. I have to admit that it got easier to get out of bed in the morning as the days, weeks, and eventually months passed. I was even able to laugh and have fun again by the time the summer rolled around. Once in awhile, I still have the most random things that will make me think of her and that overwhelming tug at my heart that demands that I hold her hand or call her on the phone- and I realize that I can't. In November, I found out that we are expecting our second child..for any normal couple this is no great feat- but after the extremely early birth of our daughter ( 24 weeks, 1 lb 3oz) and pretty much giving up having a second baby, it was nothing short of a miracle. I found out on election day..and wanted nothing more than to pick up the phone and call my mom. Last month I had my glucose test to check for gestational diabetes- which I failed with flying colors. A major moment in my life where I felt like a failure..and wanted to hear the calming and re-assuring voice I knew so well. I needed her again on New Year's Day when I started on my insulin- scared and unsure. My mom was a medical mecca- she had been a nurse in her professional career and anytime I needed medical advice, I first went to her. Sometimes, I think about what it would be like to walk into a room and see her there. My rational mind says that will never happen, but I still think about it anyway. What would I do? What would I say? I've dreamt of my mom a few times since she's been gone- each time it's not really a big deal until it comes time for her to leave. Every time, the dream ends in her death. Last night she was in my dream, and she was well and strong, doing things that I hadn't seen her do in years. At the end of the dream, she turned to me and said "My body is failing and my brain doesn't work anymore." I watched her die again..I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing. As I've thought more and more about the dream, I think it was Mom telling me what had happened to her and that all the time I have spent blaming myself should never have been. She was telling me her body finally gave out, and she wasn't really there anymore. Nothing I could have said or done would have or could have prevented her death.