Saturday's WithoutHer

[WithoutHer]

Another Saturday the day of the week that won't stop invading my memory.

I lost Vickie 3 and 1/2 months ago on an early Saturday evening while sitting on the edge of that ICU bed holding her hand while her daughter spoke to her through my phone held to her ear. Neither of us know if she knew of our presence but we could only hope. We decided together to allow the staff to remove that intubation tube. She only lasted about 5 minutes after that. She had been resuscitated before my arrival but it was apparent she was not conscious. That is the point many believe the mind is still aware in it's last few minutes and we both hoped it was true. I even read a study that the brain has a burst of activity before passing yet not understood.

Today punched my gut with my last moments with her all over again. More so then the past month and the last time I wrote here about Saturday's. I don't know why there was no real trigger before it hit but I had the deepest well of tears since that 1st night I came home. Her daughter arriving here from Alabama early the next day helped me get through the next 2 days without being all alone. She while also dealing with the loss of her mom has a very strong take charge kind of personality. She even told me she will grieve in her own private way to release it. Her mindset also puts the best memories of her mom ahead of the loss. She also keeps in touch with me for being a part of the happiest years of her mom's life. We both had years of a bad relationship before meeting but her's was unnecessaryly abusive.

While I recognize the goodness in all those thoughts I feel weak with every breakdown I experience when those thoughts of how much I miss Vickie and how special our relationship was to both of us.

I had to share these thoughts today with all of the group here because they have no place to go other than here and these kinds of pain are not healthy to keep in.

[KayC]

It sounds like you had a very special wife and stepdaughter, thank you for sharing with us.

[WithoutHer]

@KayCVickie and I didn't marry. We had both been through divorces and that piece of paper wasn't necessary to keep us together. And yes Vickie was and her daughter is two very incredible people. They were very different in many ways and would sometimes feud over the silliest things, not unusual for a mother and daughter, but that never interfered with their love of one another. Her daughter and I both had a difficult time with mothers day as we will with her birthday coming in July.

[KayC]

You will have all of our empathy...Mother's Day is tough. My husband died on Father's Day, my daughter made him a special card and gave it to him on his last day...he was a very special stepdad to my kids. They loved him.