Our psychological pressure to "move on"

[DWS]

This is a topic geared more to those of us further on from the date of the shock and overwhelmingness of our loss. Whether that is six months, one year, two years or whatever is going to differ depending on the individual but I'm now fifteen months down the road from that terrible moment of my partner's passing. One awful part of this grief experience is something that one would never consider and that is the notion and the psychological pressure that we have to "move on". We certainly learn of that pressure from the outside world but I'm referring to our internal world.

Through all of this time and through all of my reading and endless learning and understanding about grief and loss, I hear it over and over again that we don't move on but we move forward...and I do like that notion. It's a loving statement telling us that we don't need to leave our loved one in the past...that we can move forward and still take them with us. So eventually, we do recognize that, indeed, we need to continue on or forward and we desperately learn ways of doing that and still carry our grief. 

For the most part, I think I'm doing okay with that but I know there is a constant psychological pressure on myself to try to get out of this shell that I'm in. There's an internal pressure that I should be doing something else and something more to help with that. The suggestions of joining a club, do yoga, meditation, get outdoors, yada yada....all of it are acts of pushing ourselves....pushing ourselves to move forward. It's pressure...emotional pressure...that we place on ourselves and sometimes I wonder if that now adds to our grief! When you're in those early days of the loss, you basically sit with it because you simply cannot do anything else but once we start to gain some strength and are able to look around, we then deal with the aftermath. Getting ourselves out of grief is a similar cry that I hear so often from other grievers here...a psychological pressure we place on ourselves.

Living with my grief seems to be the easier way to continue on and whether I can stop putting pressure on myself to "get out of grief" seems to be the chore. I'd like to know if others recognize these pressures they are putting on themselves. 

 

[widower2]

Yes, I think I get what you're saying. I think like most things in life, it's a question of degree. I think to push ourselves to a degree make sense; sitting around stewing in it forever isn't doing ourselves any favors. But I think it needs to be a gentle push and done in our own time and way. Do what you can and be glad for any progress that you make. 

[Roxeanne]

Hi DWS interesting question...'cos is true that all the world want you "move on" knowin' nothing about what it means. I said it before but it's a good example...one of my friend said to me the first month after my loss : "no you don't have to think at the past, you have to look at the future" left me without a word...oh really? I can forget my love and my life with him? Now she lost her husband and found herself unable to accept it, miss him and her life with him...no thought at all about her future!

From the very beginning i felt i have to face my grief, living it completely cry scream everything i need and want..(i locked up myself in my house for 3 months..)...and then let it go!

It was more harder than i thought but little by little i pushed myself to go out, with friends or alone...tried to do the things i did with him, breakin my heart again but i did it!

'Cos is there an alternative ? 

 

 

[DWS]

56 minutes ago, Roxeanne said:

'Cos is there an alternative ? 

That's certainly the million dollar question. When I first started hearing references to "moving on" in those early days, my question was "moving on to what". That response seemed to stop people in their tracks because they didn't have an answer and sure didn't dare tell me that there was happiness beyond my life with my partner. I think they could see my claws starting to come out so it was time that they "moved on" from that topic!

But it's true...and that's why "moving on" sounds so shitty. I don't have a "plan B" to move onto and so moving forward a little is about all I'm going to do....and try not to put too much pressure on myself to come up with Plan B. 

[shawnt]

Yes ,I don't like the assumption that to move forward I have to leave something behind. I had someone say that the person you were before is not the person you are after and as time passes we will become someone new.

As with all growth & change it is painful (remember being 16).

I find it hard to imagine who I might be,and whether I have it in me to grow that much.

 

[KayC]

3 minutes ago, shawnt said:

had someone say that the person you were before is not the person you are after and as time passes we will become someone new.

Welcome to our group, I haven't seen you before.  When you are ready you might tell us about your loss, and how long ago it was.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, DWS said:

the notion and the psychological pressure that we have to "move on"

No.  We don't "have" to do ANYTHING!  That is a particular pet peeve of mine, 1) because it's not true 2) because THEY don't like our grief, it makes THEM uncomfortable, THEY feel it's "contagious"...well too bad!  This is OUR loss, OUR journey, OUR timetable, OUR choices (or not)!

 

2 hours ago, DWS said:

we don't need to leave our loved one in the past

And I have not...I incorporate him into my everyday life, choosing to remember him, honor him, continuing to love and miss him, as if there is a choice!  He's my person, no matter how much time has passed (18 years come Father's Day June 19th (I get double whammied).

[shawnt]

I am not new to loss, but losing my sweet wife has left me adrift and I can't seem to grasp on to anything. I seem to be unable to muster the will to even plan 1 day ahead. I definitely don't want to be that wishy\washy.

I hated growing up and I am not liking this much either

[KayC]

I stay in today as much as possible, even 18 years later, I can't handle the whole "rest of my life" (at the time it was likely 40 years) so I learned to just do today.  Yes I have to look ahead for doctor's appointments, etc. but that's it.

[ThereIsAField]

3 hours ago, DWS said:

the psychological pressure that we have to "move on". We certainly learn of that pressure from the outside world but I'm referring to our internal world.

Yes, I get this too. I think to some degree it's healthy, it's our system being wired for survival... but if it's too much/ too soon, then it feels wrong and we don't get to do the grieving process fully, and bypassing it would be useless or even harmful. It sounds like that's what you're talking about - a pressure to be "quicker" than the natural, authentic grieving process?

I think this is very important:

3 hours ago, widower2 said:

But I think it needs to be a gentle push and done in our own time and way.

And I wonder whether there's a difference between "moving on/ forward" from grief, as opposed to "moving on/ forward" from our loved ones.

I'm certainly not trying to leave my partner behind or memories of him, but I do feel an inner urge to move from the space of intense grieving to less intense grieving.

[KayC]

I think there is, we evolve in our grief journey, so in that sense....but in no way am I "leaving George behind!"

[widower2]

3 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

I wonder whether there's a difference between "moving on/ forward" from grief, as opposed to "moving on/ forward" from our loved ones.

IMO not really. I look at it this way: "moving on" with one's life doesn't mean you're leaving them behind because they have "moved on" too, just not on this Earth any more. It's like you're on two different paths, but parallel to each other. Hopefully, one day they converge again

Quote

I'm certainly not trying to leave my partner behind or memories of him, but I do feel an inner urge to move from the space of intense grieving to less intense grieving.

I would hope so! No sane person likes pain. 

[RichS]

10 hours ago, DWS said:

Living with my grief seems to be the easier way to continue on and whether I can stop putting pressure on myself to "get out of grief" seems to be the chore. I'd like to know if others recognize these pressures they are putting on themselves. 

You've got my hand raised on the first sentence. It's almost an internal struggle within myself. I'm only nine months into this so I'll see if I'm still feeling the same a year from now. I'm slowly discovering that some days you have to move one step backward in order to move one or two steps forward the next day.

[shawnt]

I think that is the trap, grief is not a replacement for her .I know she wanted me to be happy and I think letting go of the grief feels like I am letting go of a part of her and when I get thru that I might have a chance to cherish the best of her without the pain of missing her

If that is possible

 

[DWS]

10 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

And I wonder whether there's a difference between "moving on/ forward" from grief, as opposed to "moving on/ forward" from our loved ones.

That's a really good question. I certainly hope there's a difference....to eventually reach a time to be able to talk about and reminisce about our person with exuberant feelings of marvel and honour rather than heartbreaking sorrow and longing. It's hard for me to imagine it right now. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, widower2 said:

IMO not really. I look at it this way: "moving on" with one's life doesn't mean you're leaving them behind because they have "moved on" too, just not on this Earth any more. It's like you're on two different paths, but parallel to each other. Hopefully, one day they converge again

Hmm, interesting way of looking at it, I never thought of it like that before!  Bookmarking your quote!

*Distinction!  To me there's a difference between "moving on" (as in leaving them behind) and "moving forward" which means to continue with our lives. They do not mean the same thing to me.

[shawnt]

I like that also,and maybe I am trying to hard to be new and it really has to be both. Soul searing pain and continuing on whatever path is mine to walk and enjoy what comes(seems like a contradiction) I need to think more.

Edited May 27, 2023 by shawnt
Spelling error

[DWS]

On 5/25/2023 at 11:21 PM, Gator M said:

I think moving forward is more about functioning and coping with our grief.

I seem to sway that way as well. The notion of "carrying grief" feels more real and I guess the hope here is that grief will get lighter eventually. If we live with that plan (for lack of a better word), then we are essentially putting trust in the days ahead. Coping with patience and emptiness is the struggle juggling it with melancholy and sentimentality. 

[shawnt]

I like that thought. A burden of life like being a parent or a partner, something that changes it's density depending on the circumstances or the time past.If I think back to when the kids were little it was a lot of work and messy, but I now think of it as the best time of our lives. Parenthood was a burden I had to grow into, it's still heavy but I like it. Can the burden of loss get easier to carry even if I never enjoy it.

If I think about it , it may be a normal course of life burden . At least half of all people lose their partner and somehow continue, my grandmother outlived 2 husbands and she was married 25 years to the 1st and 31 to the second.I wish she was still here to help me.

[DWS]

57 minutes ago, shawnt said:

Can the burden of loss get easier to carry even if I never enjoy it.

What an interesting question! It's something for me to think about but I'm going to put out some hope that at some point, I will enjoy carrying grief proudly in the sense that it's there as part of the love and commitment that I have with my partner...and definitely part of who I am now. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, shawnt said:

Can the burden of loss get easier to carry even if I never enjoy it.

I would say so. It's too soon to say though if you'll enjoy any of your life, that's an outlook that only we can determine.

[RichS]

22 hours ago, DWS said:

23 hours ago, shawnt said:

"Can the burden of loss get easier to carry even if I never enjoy it."          What an interesting question! It's something for me to think about but I'm going to put out some hope that at some point, I will enjoy carrying grief proudly in the sense that it's there as part of the love and commitment that I have with my partner...and definitely part of who I am now. 

DWS:  That's a great response to an interesting question! You answer made me think of my long term feelings in moving forward with life without Chris. You mentioned hope; which I think is the key feeling you need to move forward. It made me think that I have to avoid thinking too much as to how I'll ever better deal with  this in the future. Right now, I'm not in the right frame of mind to feel that; but others who've been through this a lot longer than me, tell me that the grief becomes more manageable. Anyway, you've got a GREAT ATTITUDE as you move forward.

 

[AJ4]

On 5/25/2023 at 8:06 AM, KayC said:

No.  We don't "have" to do ANYTHING!  That is a particular pet peeve of mine, 1) because it's not true 2) because THEY don't like our grief, it makes THEM uncomfortable, THEY feel it's "contagious"...well too bad!  This is OUR loss, OUR journey, OUR timetable, OUR choices (or not)!

 

And I have not...I incorporate him into my everyday life, choosing to remember him, honor him, continuing to love and miss him, as if there is a choice!  He's my person, no matter how much time has passed (18 years come Father's Day June 19th, I get double whammied).

I agree. It's my life and I'm going to choose what I do.   I want to live a good life, but some times I just want to sit around and cry and hug my dogs, or stuffed animals in my bed.  I'm moving along the path I choose, which includes talking about my husband, remembering him, and still loving him just the same as I always did.  

[shawnt]

I had a friend tell me that after a certain point grief becomes selfish because it is no longer about our person and it has become about us and what we have lost and our feelings( she is a long time friend and I like her) I wanted to slap her.

That was a month ago and it eats at me. Is it possible that some of my wallowing and pain is self centred.

It doesn't feel that way, it feels like longing for the love of my life so I can see her smile and rub her feet but ......

[widower2]

1 hour ago, shawnt said:

I had a friend tell me that after a certain point grief becomes selfish because it is no longer about our person and it has become about us and what we have lost and our feelings( she is a long time friend and I like her) I wanted to slap her.

I'll hold her down if you want.

Grief is about us and what we lost and our feelings. Gee ya think? As opposed to being about.....what? Ethel Merman? 

What an ignorant and asinine thing to say. 

[shawnt]

I have heard a lot that drives me nuts.

She's in better place

At least she's out of pain

It is God's will( Boy, do I have a bone to pick with that guy)

I really don't know what I want to hear and I think I am being un- generous and harsh but for now I can't help it. I whirl & whirl and can't land on what I really think except I miss her and I want her back. I would do anything to hold her again and none of this buckshot of one more time . I want our life and future back.

Sorry that was a lot

I also find it frustrating when my swearing gets auto corrected

[widower2]

16 minutes ago, shawnt said:

I have heard a lot that drives me nuts.

She's in better place

At least she's out of pain

It is God's will( Boy, do I have a bone to pick with that guy)

I really don't know what I want to hear and I think I am being un- generous and harsh

No you're not. Those are all incredibly STUPID things to say, even though people mean well. 

Here are some of the things I wish I had heard early on but rarely if ever did:

"I'm so sorry; this loss is hard for all who knew her, but uniquely so for you" 
"Thank you for all you were to her and did for her!"
"If you want to unload sometime, let me know" (only said however if the person really meant it)
"Let's get together" (again, only if the person means it and pinpoints a date or other specifics, not some vague statement like "lets' do lunch" and you never hear from them again)

 

[RichS]

4 hours ago, Gator M said:

I had a friend tell me that after a certain point grief becomes selfish because it is no longer about our person and it has become about us and what we have lost and our feelings

Maybe your friend has never lost someone they love and that they have no idea what people like us are going through. And yes, it has become about us and what we have lost and our feelings. After all, aren't we the ones left behind? My single cousin (who lost both of his parents) recently told me that I needed a woman in my life and that I'm now a free man. I kindly reminded him that I was married for 42 years to his zero and that he doesn't understand what it is to lose a spouse.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, shawnt said:

I have heard a lot that drives me nuts.

She's in better place

At least she's out of pain

It is God's will( Boy, do I have a bone to pick with that guy)

What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief
What to Say/Not to
5 Things NOT to Say to Someone Who is Grieving - Grief In Common

[DWS]

On 5/30/2023 at 1:38 AM, RichS said:

And yes, it has become about us and what we have lost and our feelings. After all, aren't we the ones left behind? 

My grief sure intensified this past weekend after entering year three of the loss of my partner. I endured a nagging headache during the days leading up to the anniversary day. As usual, the day itself was manageable with the headache easing but it was the next day when things got less fun. Interestingly, Tom's daughter had a similar reaction so we seem to be on similar grief paths. It could also be because it was a Saturday so we both didn't have the pressures of work to distract us from sadness and his absence.

But all of this for me is this incessant inner observation of time passing and taking me further away from him. That's what the headaches were/are about. I hate it and I hate this unloving pressure on myself of moving forward that I don't seem to be able to control...even though at times, it seemed controlled. Maybe....hopefully... I'll chalk it up to the 2nd anniversary and the mess it made in my progression. I want to get back to that.

[KayC]

There are bound to be setbacks, ups and downs.  You'll get there, in time.