getting my heart ripped out repeatedly

[mphillips78]

My husband and I were together for 14 years and have 4 small children ages 7 and under. Our relationship had many ups and downs and in the end there was a lot of violence and I had to leave the marriage for myself and my children. This past year has been a rollercoaster of arguments, court hearings, and trying to get along for the kids. It started with him taking my children and not allowing me access for 28 days until the court ordered him to. Then i found out about the affair that had be going on for almost 2 years with a woman whom about a year earlier he had introuced to me to as a friend. We were all "friends" for about a year along with her husband and 2 children. On New Years Eve I was told by a mutual friend that he had stage 3 testicular cancer, he was diagnosed in October. I met with him over coffee and told him that I had learned of his condition and that i wanted to support him any way that i could. I still loved him. Over the next few months he looked worse and worse every time I saw him, weekly with kid exchanges. He kept telling me that he was getting better and all of his tests were coming back well. He went through four rounds of aggressive chemotherapy. I got a call from that same mutual friend in the end of March saying that his family had all been called from out of state and asked to come to his bedside at the hospital as he was not in a coma and not expected to make it.Oh and that he and the mistress had a 3 month old baby. I had spoken to him only 2 days before and he told me that he was in the hospital with pneumonia. I rushed to the hospital and was met by his sister who would not allow me to get neat the elevator. The staff at the hospital would not tell me what room he was in. They had been told that the mistress was his wife.I had to call the ICU nurses station and ask because it was after hours and the information desk was closed. they would not tell me what was going on wth him and worse, it was his week with the children and nobody would tell me where they were. I went hom praying that he would somehow make it and fearing that he wouldn't. I begged them to please let me come up and see him. I needed to say so many things to him. I needed him to know that his children would know him and that I would always love him despite all the messiness. Two days later I was called by another sister to get up there asap because he was failing and they thought it would be soon. I made it and i sat by his bedside for as long as I was allowed and i said what I needed to say. He made it another three days. The funeral arrangements were incredibly difficult. I had to find out from the head staff nurse at the hospital what funeral home his body was released to because the family would not tell me. I went to the funeral home and sat with his mother and his mistress of 2.5 years and planned his funeral and I had to pay for it too. The funeral was aweful. They were cold and cruel to me. the mistress' mother blocked my way out of a pew and told me to turn back and walk the other way. The entire family sat with her and her family and friends and left me alone grieving the loss of my husband alone. My family was told they were not welcome and they were respectful and stayed away. She got up and spoke about she and Justin's short relationship and how they had love. how no matter what they said good morning my love. It was torture. I just wanted to say goodbye to MY husband. Now a month later and his family is being very ugly, suing the estate for attorney fees they paid for him and not even attempting to contact my children and telling everyone that I have denied them access. I have done no such thing and i would not as I believe that in this hard time of losing their daddy they don't need to lose anyone else. They are saying that I am profiting from his death and that I am vindicated. I LOVE HIM for God sake why can't anyone see that. Our marriage failed but my love for him NEVER did. it was to my detrement as it always has been but they should at least have some respect. I have respected their grieving but it is like they feel I don't have a right to mine. We were getting divorced but we would still have raised our children together. i would rather argue with him about the kids for the next 18+ years than have him gone. I am not sure what I hope to gain by posting any of this out there but I just don't know how to feel. I forgave him months ago for his betrayal and I have tried as best I could to pick up the pieces of my life but now these people who I called family for so many years keep trying to drag me under. How do I heal?

[ModKonnie]

Hi Hopefor,

First off, I'd like to tell you I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It does all sound like a terrible messy situation. You grieve for him by crying, talking about it, going to grief and loss groups, possibly going to a counselor and talking positive about him to your children so that they will be able to get through this positively, too.

Also, you really might want to think of joining a support group for domestic violence. In that group, you may find other women who share similar experiences to the one you just described. You will find that most women in the group also love their husbands/significant others despite all the problems, but they have found ways to move forward.

As far as his family, perhaps some time and space may help the situation. On top of grieving, they are also dealing with the trauma of the battles between you and your husband and the mistress and her family, experiences, etc. It sounds like this could be a seriously overwhelming situation to deal with. Would connecting with the sister who kept in touch with you and finding a way to allow his family to visit with the children help or hurt the situation?

Did your parents or siblings get along with his family? What would happen if one reached out to his family for the sake of the children?

I know this is just agony to deal with, but we will certainly be here for you.

ModKonnie