What to do when your partner dies young?

[Joannaxw8]

It hasn't even been two months since my fiancé passed away.  We didn't even know that he was sick it all happened all at once and then he was gone. A gorgeous, strong, healthy looking young man of only 39 years just gone taken away so quickly.  I'm so angry! We had been together for eight years.  We lived together the whole time he was my whole world my life my love just ripped away.  We planned to marry and grow old together. As long as we were together we knew our future would be set. Now my whole future that I had planned with him for eight years is also gone. I am not only in mourning for him but also for our life together and our future that will never be and a wedding that I'll never have. I am lost in the world without him never to recover. My best friend and the love of my life is gone and I don't know how to live in a world where he isn't.  How do you cope with such a tragedy? How do you keep waking up and breathing and going about your life when your love is no longer here? What does it matter what I do or look like if he isn't here to see me. Nothing matters without him here. I just don't know how to survive this. I just don't know how to be without him here and I don't think I ever will.  

[KayC]

Your husband is the same age as my son. I can't imagine.  I am so sorry.  You are right, you are not only grieving your partner, but the future you thought you had with him, as all of us have, had my husband died at 39 I wouldn't have met him! I'm glad I did, the 6 1/2 years I knew him were balm to my soul! They carry me now even as I'm growing old. It's been 18 years next month and I still love and miss him with all my heart.  It doesn't stay in the same intense pain it was when it was fresh, the shock goes away, you form a new identity that doesn't include Mrs. Somebody, you do your life alone, make all decision, do everything...alone now.  

Who is to say what you will do? At this stage I wouldn't try to figure it all out, it'd be enough just to get through today, to eat something, drink some water, maybe go for a walk...it's hard at best.  All of us here, our hearts go out to you.

My daughter was married 13 1/2 years...after she lost two babies, her husband left her.  Took six years after the first time he left to get a divorce.  Her heart was damaged, the person she'd poured her life's breath and soul into...shattered her.  Now it's behind her, she still is left with some healing to do, not sure she'll ever be the same, how can you be?!  Yet losing someone to death, they are forever frozen in time....your life's breath, your love...it's never "over."  I read an account from someone who had a new love, and she summed it up as loving two people now, for you never forget the first one, but take him with you.  I don't know why I'm babbling, I guess it's what you do at 3:30 am.  I'm sorry, sorry for everything you're going through...

[RichS]

Joanna: Very sorry for your loss. Know that we’re here on this board to comfort and sympathize with you. You are not alone. Please continue to post here.

Kay: Your daughter has certainly gone through a lot in her marriage. In some ways, divorce from your spouse can feel worse than death of a spouse; especially if they’re the ones wanting the divorce, not you. To me that is a rejection of the love you had for that person, and that's heart breaking.

[KayC]

Yes, they'd been together since they were 18, divorce was final almost a year ago and she's turning 41 this month.  I can't believe all the stuff she saw him through and how he treated her in latter years. She hasn't heard from him in almost a year, he still has his stuff there AND her key to her apt. I'd start tossing the stuff, she's up 4 stories and often has to park two blocks away so not easy. Garbage is clear across apt. parking lot.

It did break her heart for many years, but she said when the divorce was finally final, it was a relief. The things he put her through. If I never see him again, it will be too soon for me.  I loved him like a son...

I do feel that, I'm glad in one sense that George died rather than divorce because at least our memories and love is intact and when I think of him it's good thoughts, comforting, smiling ones.

[I miss you so much]

Hello Joanna. I cannot reply to your question, I'm just writing to tell you I'm feeling like you. In my case, he was 48, 12 years together. Very hard times in our story, specially the last years, but as for you, all my life is gone. I left my country and my previous life to be with him, not once, but several times. Everything was against us, even ourselves at some point.

Like you, I'm mourning for him, for me, for our future (the life we will never have after having dreamed so much about it) and for our past (the life we could have had if we had made different choices), I'm grieving for having hurt each other and the lack of trust these last years that we could now never heal, and because this lack of trust it was really a nightmare  his final days and what happened afterwards.

I understand you and I'm not coping. People tell me to move forward, to stop hurting myself. I can't.

Waking up every day is painful, living every day is painful. Luckily, I can sleep during nights now and that's the better time, when I close my eyes and the pain is alleviated until the moment I wake up again.

 

What does it matter what I do or look like if he isn't here to see me.

PS: This question, I can answer.

It matters what you do or look like because it's the way you honor him. You were his partner and he loved you, make him be proud of you when other people see you.

[KayC]

On 5/24/2023 at 10:03 PM, Joannaxw8 said:

What does it matter what I do or look like if he isn't here to see me.

YOU matter.  I hope you'll realize this in time and treat yourself as you deserve.

[Trinny]

My boyfriend, Cole, just died a little under a month ago. We were both 19. I met him in college and we clicked so fast. I know I am young but he made loving so easy. He understood my trauma, my humor, everything. We both ran track and field at our college so i met him there. We both shared a love for the sport. we both used the sport as a coping mechanism for our personal lives. I’ve known him for about 10 months and I’ve been dating him for about 7. He was a one in a million. My backbone in life. Our love felt like a fairytale. he treated me beautifully. He died suddenly from a cardiac arrest in his sleep. I am feeling guilty. I was with him the night before and i recognized him coughing a little bit, but other than that there was no symptoms. I mean he was healthy! he was running at a college! he was in shape. the most healthiest person i know, but now he’s just gone. He didn’t even get to fully live his life. He had worked so hard to be the best at running and just the best person in general. We had talked about babies, homes, moving down south, going to the beach this summer, getting jobs for the summer. But now none of it is going to happen. I don’t understand why this happened to me. I keep asking God why, but he never answers. I’ve never been in a pain like this and now i just feel so empty.

When it first happened, everyone was so supportive. Like i said, I met him in college, so i never had the chance to fully meet his hometown friends, his family, or anyone. But they knew that Cole loved me so much. He never stopped talking about me. So they flocked together to support me during his funeral and visitation. That was about two weeks ago. Now his sister won’t reply to my texts, his dad won’t call me anymore, everyone is just quiet. My dad said that they are moving on, but i can’t. I feel the pain all the time. I’m only 19 and now i’m scared of death taking people from me. I scared that people are forgetting him. Are forgetting me. Everyone that loved Cole all lives in one area so his friends are able to visit his parents and talk. But i’m not from his town, so i feel i am suffering alone even though he loved me the most! I don’t know if it’s selfish, i just feel so alone and i feel numb to everything that’s not about Cole. 
If Cole were here, I know he’d want me to try to be the fastest person on the track. he’d want me to get up and work hard each day so i can be the athlete he knew i could be. but i can’t even get out of bed most days. I cant talk to people. i cant listen to music. i cant even go for a walk. it’s humbling because i am only 19 about to be 20 and it feels like i will never live again. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, it's the single hardest thing I've been through, the next was losing my dog, Arlie.  Today is 18 years since I've lost my husband, he was the love of my life.

I'm glad you found your way here, I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps us process our grief in a safe environment where you won't get "shoulds" and you're in a safe place where other are going through the same things and understand and care.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

And for what it's worth, a person can't just "move on" like it never happened, instead we learn to live with it and hone our coping skills along the way.  

[RichS]

WELCOME TO OUR BOARD!.........Here you will find people who have gone through all that you have. We are supportive, sympathetic and offer encouragement; especially during these times. Please continue to post your feelings here. The board is a coping tool for all of us.

[Aarya]

Joanna, your Angel Date took my breath away... as my soulmate, best friend and love of my life passed away 2 days later. April 12, 2023. Unexpected, sudden. He just collapsed and never got back up. No health concerns prior. Incredibly healthy. He was barely 25 years old, I am 24. Everything you wrote here, I couldn't have written better myself. I feel the exact same way. The pain and loss is unbearable. I grieve the life he lost, but also the life he was meant and so eager to live. The life we were supposed to live together... I also grieve the person I was before I lost him. I no longer recognize myself or anything around me anymore. I am so incredibly sorry for your irreplaceable loss. This pain is like no other, possibly the worst pain a human can experience. I hope you have people around you that can hold you through the pain.

Something I try to remember: The pain we feel now is commensurate with the love we had for them. This is the "other" side of love, if anything it is the last and final translation, last and eternal action of loving. The pain is so great and immeasurable because our love was too. Our pain is as deep as our love for them. It makes sense to me, but also feels almost cruel.

I am here for you, if you would like to chat or vent or yell. We are walking parallel in this journey... I am sending you a big hug and hope that you get signs from your soulmate that he is around you and is taking care of you.  

[RichS]

Arya:  You are wise beyond your years. Yes, I have also discovered that grief is a painful form of love.

[Aarya]

9 minutes ago, RichS said:

Arya:  You are wise beyond your years. Yes, I have also discovered that grief is a painful form of love.

RichS, thank you for your responses and support. I hope today you can find more love in your grief than pain.. xx

[KayC]

Yes, I've felt connected to Aarya since I read her first post, I'm glad she's here, even though sorry for the reason.

[Aarya]

2 minutes ago, KayC said:

Yes, I've felt connected to Aarya since I read her first post, I'm glad she's here, even though sorry for the reason.

Thank you for being so accepting and understanding... I have spent so much time on this Forum since joining it and reading about everyone's journeys and experiences. It's making me feel less alone. ❤️ 

[KayC]

I am so glad!  This is a safe place to be and very caring people.  They're the best!