Does reality ever set in?

[Joannaxw8]

My fiancée has been gone for almost two month's now.  When does it start to feel real? I feel like I'm in a dream and then am shocked every time it dawn's on me that he is gone again.  I lay here every night waiting for sleep wondering if when wake  will I find all has just been a horrible nightmare then every morning I get up and realize it wasn't and that he really is gone.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Joannaxw8 said:

My fiancée has been gone for almost two month's now.

Welcome to our site, it does help to read/post and know there are others having gone through similar that "get it" and understand, plus it helps us process our grief.  I was in shock for quite a while, also when I lost my closest sister (I was her caregiver).  

Others will bem along in a while and respond, thinking of you today and while it takes a while to sink in and realize they aren't coming back, we'll be here for you in the meanwhile.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Joannaxw8]

KayC, thank you very much. You were very helpful I appreciate it. 

[KayC]

You are so welcome!

[Joannaxw8]

Thank you very much 

[widower2]

19 hours ago, Joannaxw8 said:

My fiancée has been gone for almost two month's now.  When does it start to feel real? I feel like I'm in a dream and then am shocked every time it dawn's on me that he is gone again.  I lay here every night waiting for sleep wondering if when wake  will I find all has just been a horrible nightmare then every morning I get up and realize it wasn't and that he really is gone.

I'm so sorry. I won't say it ever gets "easy" but it does get easiER. The searing anguish does not, cannot, last indefinitely. Believe it or not, it becomes manageable. 

[Joannaxw8]

Thank you very much. I hope that you're right.  It's absolutely unbearable.  I feel as though I'm in a nightmare or watching all of this happening to someone else.  It just doesn't feel real. I pray every night before bed to wake up from this nightmare in the morning. 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Joannaxw8 said:

I pray every night before bed to wake up from this nightmare in the morning. 

Yep, I went through the same thing, I remember pretending he was on a trip and would come home in a week or two...only one can't keep pretending and he never came home.  It's been 18 years Father's Day and I've been living here on my own, managing...I hope that gives you hope.  I'm 70 now, have gone through surgery, broken bones, experienced snowpocalypse (over 8 days w/o electricity, 4'5" snow overnight unpredicted, no mail, garbage, snowplows, way in/out of town, trees coming down all over in pitch black, my dog and I waiting for one to strike us)...somehow I've survived much alone, dealt with more deaths, last year my closest sister (I was her caregiver) and even though I realized it was a blessing as she had dementia advancing and was disabled and prone to falls, it took me the longest time to quit thinking "I need to remember to tell Peggy..." and I just realized the other day I won't be needing the to-go containers I used to put food in for her.   

My heart goes out to you, the hardest tthing in the world is losing your person, your mate. But widower2 is right, it gets easiER in time.

[Joannaxw8]

Thank you.  I feel so alone without him.  So much pain all the time with no relief.  I hope that you're correct.  I hope it gets easier someday. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

Joy is elusive.

Basically I call it the little joys, now that my big joy (George) is gone. Don't discount anything, count them all, any minute blessing.  A call from a friend, a wave from a neighbor, a check in the mail, any little thing.

[RichS]

Kay:  Thanks for sharing your experiences since George passed away. It gives hope to all NEW GRiEVERS that life can and will go on for them. You and others have mentioned looking for little joys in our lives. I guess like grieving itself, some of us will begin to discover little joys in our lives and some of us will take longer. It almost seems that we have learn to allow ourselves to do that.

[KayC]

You won't notice until you LOOK for them, maybe at the end of the day search in your memory or maybe as they happen make mental note of it, if you wait until the next day...it's gone.  It did something for me, it changed me to looking for good, being more optimistic, living in the present moment. Remember, I started practicing this day 11 after he died!  I believe God put the thought into me...

[widower2]

On 5/23/2023 at 12:27 AM, Joannaxw8 said:

Thank you very much. I hope that you're right.  It's absolutely unbearable.  I feel as though I'm in a nightmare or watching all of this happening to someone else.  It just doesn't feel real. I pray every night before bed to wake up from this nightmare in the morning. 

Your posts could have easily been written by me back when (feeling the same). Frankly there's still a piece of me that never truly accepted this and I doubt ever will, it's just too insane. More of the brain trying to protect itself (me) I think. As you say, it's like "OK enough already, time to wake up now...." But while I'm not exactly on Cloud 9 now, it's night and day from where I was in those early days. It's been a very long time since I cried myself to sleep, don't miss that. And while I can't say I never think of her and shed a tear, it's no longer a daily or even weekly occurrence. Back then I would have dismissed the idea that that was even possible. I can even think of good times and get a smile or laugh. Which I know is what she hopes for, wherever she is, and so I try to emphasize her life in my thoughts, not her loss. Easier said than done obviously, but I've had a lot of practice. 

 

 

9 hours ago, Gator M said:

What I find SO sad is joy and contentment came so easily with Ann and I.

I doubt I'll ever find that contentment again in my lifetime.

That's my reality.   

That particular joy and contentment, no, I suspect you're right. But that doesn't mean joy and contentment in other ways are unattainable IMO, though again at this point I could understand why you would dismiss the idea. 

[Joannaxw8]

Thank you so much kaC. That is very helpful.  I still can't figure out how to live daily life without him in it. It's extremely painful to think that I can never ever see him again. Never see him smiling down at me with such love and light in his eye's.  He was so special.  He was my whole world my everything and I will never be the same without him. It's just all so overwhelming and so sudden.  I'm still in shock. He was so young and strong and handsome and mine and I never saw this coming.  I'm so sorry for your loss thank you for taking the time to write me.

[Joannaxw8]

Thank you widower2. I really appreciate your words. That helped me a  lot.  I feel like I'm in a constant panic attack since Billy, passed away and I can't even breathe sometimes because of it and the pressure I feel constantly on my chest and shoulders. I just wish it would go away. It makes it nearly impossible to sleep and then I cry all night until I finally pass out. I find myself drinking to excess (something I never did before) just to try to cope with the pain. I am so deeply sorry for your loss.  Thank you again for taking the time out to write me. 

[KayC]

Drinking only exacerbates the situation, as it's a depressant....hardly what we need at this time, but I'm sure you know that.  We do what we need to do to get by, trying to figure it out...

[Sheilz]

On 5/25/2023 at 12:28 AM, Joannaxw8 said:

I feel like I'm in a constant panic attack since Billy, passed away and I can't even breathe sometimes because of it and the pressure I feel constantly on my chest and shoulders.

That is exactly how I feel.  It's only been 15 days since my husband left me suddenly.  I can't breathe most of the time.  Will this part ever end???.  I wish they had an inhaler that I could puff on to ease the pressure,  (like asthma inhalers) but of course, there isn't such a thing.  Hopefully things get easiER (not better).  This site helps you feel like you're not alone because no one "gets" this unless they've been through this.  

[RichS]

7 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

That is exactly how I feel.  It's only been 15 days since my husband left me suddenly.  I can't breathe most of the time.  Will this part ever end???.  I wish they had an inhaler that I could puff on to ease the pressure,  (like asthma inhalers) but of course, there isn't such a thing.  Hopefully things get easiER (not better).

Sheilz:  Right now you're in panic caused by the shock of losing your husband only 15 days ago. Rest assured, WE HAVE ALL BEEN THROUGH THIS in various forms. Severe stress can show up in different ways, depending on your general health and your state of mind.

Two things would be helpful to you at this time:  (1) Go see your doctor for a general checkup  (2) Keep posting on this board. Someone is always here to listen.

Every day, WE ARE ALL HERE TO HELP YOU and to help each other. You're not alone here. We get it...........................

[Sheilz]

1 hour ago, RichS said:

Two things would be helpful to you at this time:  (1) Go see your doctor for a general checkup  (2) Keep posting on this board. Someone is always here to listen.

Thank you for the response.  I just contacted my doctor & she sent in a script for something to help me sleep.  Posting on this board is the only thing that has kept me from going over the edge.  Knowing someone "gets" it.   I'm pretty much alone here with 1 (step)daughter across the country & a friend that already wants me to come to a huge Memorial Day cookout.... because I need to get out.  She also is pushing me to pick somewhere to go for vacation in July.  I just want to curl up & die and people already want want me to "get over it".  

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Sheilz said:

a friend that already wants me to come to a huge Memorial Day cookout....

I was at your timeline when my daughter invited me to a friend's barbecue (a huge bash) and I told her I wasn't up to it...I was never invited again. I didn't mean forever, I meant "yet." Alas, that's how it goes.

 

[MichiganDaniel]

My loss is also about two months ago. For a long time I had daydreams of her coming through the door and explaining that she was back and it would be ok. I stopped myself doing that when I could. I had a lot of trauma about what happened at the hospital, and all the what-ids and should haves. Eventually it was like I could put those emotions and worries in a box. Don’t open the box! Now my trauma is with having to find a new life. I am pushing myself to find people to interact with, trying to meet people and do new things. And I absolutely hate every second of it, because I don’t want this. I want her not to have been sick. I want the securiy of her unconditional support and help. But I push on, because one must. I still sometimes feel lost, like a toddler needing someone to take care of me. I made chile tonight. I’m trying, but some nights I don’t even bother drying my tears.

[JamesF]

On 5/22/2023 at 9:16 AM, Joannaxw8 said:

will I find all has just been a horrible nightmare then every morning I get up and realize it wasn't and that he really is gone.

Joanna I'm so sorry for your loss. Not everyone will share my beliefs, but I'm totally convinced in what I'm about to say. There is no death, only a transition from here to another plane of existence. We all go there eventually, and when we do, our loved one's will be waiting for us. I hope you take some comfort from this. Keep going, one day at a time. And never stop believing.

[Sheilz]

13 hours ago, MichiganDaniel said:

some nights I don’t even bother drying my tears

I don't bother drying my tears either.  For what???  They will just be replaced by fresh ones.  My days & nights seem to be getting darker & darker.  My thoughts are getting more bazaar.  Sometimes I think that the last act of unconditional love would be to sacrifice all to be with him.  I would have laid my life down for him, why not now?

The only way I can get through the hour is to pretend he's just not home at the moment.  Whether I pretend he went to the store or to dunkn or to a friends.  But that feeling or way of thinking only lasts for so long & then I get sucker punched in the gut when reality sinks in.  

20 hours ago, RichS said:

Keep posting on this board. Someone is always here to listen.

Thank you.

[MichiganDaniel]

It's easy to say - some people say to me - I say to myself: "She would want you to be happy. Don't be so sad. Go out and do things that you love."

Sometimes I make little songs on the iPad with garage band. She always wanted to hear how they were going, and I got to play them for her when they were done. I didn't want to do that at first, because she can't hear them anymore. But then I did. I sat there with earphones and played with the sounds and harmonies.

In the place where she lives in my head, how I know her, how I expect her to be, I could almost feel her soul relax and find peace because I was doing something I loved. When I'm sad, I sometimes say, "I'm sorry", because I know that if she were here it would be so upsetting.

I know that being happy, being inspired and supported by what we had for so long is the way to remember and honor her. It's just not easy because of how big and awful it all is. We're in an alternate reality, but we will learn to live here if we allow it.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, MichiganDaniel said:

In the place where she lives in my head, how I know her, how I expect her to be, I could almost feel her soul relax and find peace because I was doing something I loved. When I'm sad, I sometimes say, "I'm sorry", because I know that if she were here it would be so upsetting.

I believe if the roles were reversed (our partners lived with the grief, while we are in heaven), the feelings would probably be the same. We surviving partners are only human. We all grieve our losses because they are the reality. It's not easy for those of us who carry this burden. I have to admit that this is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. On the flip side, our loved ones would want us to be happy and so would we for them if the roles were reversed. What I've discovered the last nine months is that grief (painful as it is) is a form of love; because if we didn't LOVE OUR PARTNERS we wouldn't even be posting on this board. I take some comfort every day that on this board, we have each other for support and sympathy.

[shawnt]

In the morning the other day,before I was really awake, I was sure I felt her cuddled up to my back(she was always colder than me) but it was only her pillows I have piled on her side of the bed, for a second I even felt warmth.

I have lost my thoughts and I have to cry some more

[KayC]

Yeah, somewhere between when it happened and now, reality has set in.