Loneliness

[PattiAnn]

I lost my husband of 40 years eight m9nths ago. It was suddenly and totally unexpected.

He was my partner, my caregiver and my best friend. I had to sell our home in San Diego and move back to Minnesota leaving my 92 year old father in California so I have that loss also. I do not know how to navigate my life,  how to navigate the excruciating pain of loss. Most night's I pray to God to end my pain and bring me home. I am not courageous enough to end it on my own. Hear that lonesome whippoorwill
He sounds too blue to fly
The midnight train is whining low
I’m so lonesome, I could cry

I’ve never seen a night so long
And time goes crawling by
The moon just went behind the clouds
To hide its face and cry

Did you ever see a robin weep
When leaves begin to die?
Like me, he’s lost the will to live
I’m so lonesome, I could cry

[widower2]

I'm so sorry. I hope this site can help some; it's a great group of people. I know this is a cliche but it's true: one day at a time. Believe it or not, you can do this.

 

[RichS]

4 hours ago, PattiAnn said:

I do not know how to navigate my life,  how to navigate the excruciating pain of loss. Most night's I pray to God to end my pain and bring me home.

All of us on this board offer our sympathies over your loss and having to having to leave your father behind in California. I personally have an experience similar to yours. I lost my wife of 42 years 9 months ago. Luckily, I was able to find this board several months ago and it has really helped me to navigate through the grieving process. On this board you'll find sincere, sympathetic folks who understand your pain because we've gone through it ourselves.

I encourage you to continue to post here. Express your feelings, vent, ask for advice, etc. Whatever you feel will be helpful to you. widower2 is correct in saying that it's best to approach this one day at a time; and yes, you will get through this. WELCOME!!

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, PattiAnn said:

I lost my husband of 40 years eight m9nths ago. It was suddenly and totally unexpected.

I am so sorry for your loss, and that you had to move on top of it.  It takes a while to realize we have anything to live for, many aren't there yet, and it helped me to stay in today, and take one day at a time, I do it still even after 18 years Father's Day.  We welcome you and hope to be here for you if you want us to.

40 years is a long time, a lifetime really, and this isn't something we "get over" but rather learn to live with and how...it'll take a while, it took me years but don't let that scare you, we all process different so there really is no timetable.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[JamesF]

16 hours ago, PattiAnn said:

Most night's I pray to God to end my pain and bring me home. I am not courageous enough to end it on my own

Hello PattiAnn. Deepest condolences on the loss of your husband. You still have the rest of your life to live, God will take you home when the time is right. But until that day, as difficult as it may seem, surround yourself in the goodness and beauty that exists in this world (despite all the horrors taking place, there is still some);  It's how I cope every day. God bless.

[KayC]

You show some wisdom for where you are in the process.  BTW, six months out can be a hard time, when shock has worn off and friends disappeared, people expect you to be "over it" only we never are.
Six Month Mark
 

[SAR12]

I am so sorry for your loss, PattiAnn. I understand how you’re feeling.  I lost my husband of 41 years to pancreatic cancer in December 2022. At times it’s still unreal that he’s gone and he’s never coming back. I hope this forum will help you as it has helped me navigate through this grieving process. it makes me feel so not alone. My kids are not nearby. My daughter lives 7 hrs away in another state and my son lives in another country. 
 

We’re in a club we never wanted to be in, but here we are. This is only the second time I have posted here, but I do read a lot of the comments and a shout out to everyone who shares their thoughts and feelings. You may not know it, but you all are helping others who visit. One night someone said how she lists the states in alphabetical order when she can’t sleep and I now use that when I start doing the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” that somehow I could have changed the outcome and he would still be here…anyway whoever it was, thanks for sharing what helps you because it has helped me. 
 

When I saw that you’re now in Minnesota, it motivated me to post because I live here too, so welcome back:) 

[Joannaxw8]

On 5/21/2023 at 5:23 PM, PattiAnn said:

I lost my husband of 40 years eight m9nths ago. It was suddenly and totally unexpected.

He was my partner, my caregiver and my best friend. I had to sell our home in San Diego and move back to Minnesota leaving my 92 year old father in California so I have that loss also. I do not know how to navigate my life,  how to navigate the excruciating pain of loss. Most night's I pray to God to end my pain and bring me home. I am not courageous enough to end it on my own. Hear that lonesome whippoorwill
He sounds too blue to fly
The midnight train is whining low
I’m so lonesome, I could cry

I’ve never seen a night so long
And time goes crawling by
The moon just went behind the clouds
To hide its face and cry

Did you ever see a robin weep
When leaves begin to die?
Like me, he’s lost the will to live
I’m so lonesome, I could cry

I'm so sorry for your loss.  My 39 year old fiance passed on April 10th also very unexpectedly.  I had to give up our home and move back in with my parents.  I think about how sweet it would be for my end to come so that I could be with him again.  I understand very well how you feel.  If you need someone to talk to I'm here. I know that I need someone to talk to.  I hope that thing's start to get easier for you. 

[Sheilz]

My sympathy goes out to you.  After 40 years together, it's hard to even tell where one starts & one ends because you were "one".  My husband of 30 years died suddenly and I'm pretty new to this.  But I can honestly tell you that this site & the people here are wonderful.... because they understand.  I also will be going through this journey alone as all my family is elsewhere. This site makes me feel that I am not alone. Please take the time to read KayC's "Tips to make it through grief".  I printed it out & re-read it daily.  It helps understand things a bit.  

 

On 5/22/2023 at 11:02 PM, SAR12 said:

One night someone said how she lists the states in alphabetical order when she can’t sleep and I now use that when I start doing the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” that somehow I could have changed the outcome and he would still be here…anyway whoever it was, thanks for sharing what helps you because it has helped me. 

Thank you for re-sharing this.  I'm going to try it because I just sit & wallow in the "woulda, could, shoulda" stuff wondering (& convincing myself) that I could have changed the outcome.