Weekends are the Worst

[KayC]

In Grief, Weekends are the Worst

They are a vast expanse of time filled with feelings.

Author note: My dad died six years ago this month. Life has churned on, as life does. And for the most part, I am in a healthy place with my grief but it is not done and it never ever will be. This month, I intend to pay homage to the process of grief itself, which is impacting us globally at a scale we’ve scarcely, if ever, seen.

Originally published October 2015 on my personal blog

You heard that right. And yes, I meant it. In grief, weekends are the worst.

When grief was fresh and new, the weekends seemed like this vast expanse of time in front of me with nothing to do but deal with my thoughts and feelings. And that was far more difficult to deal with than meals or nap time or laundry or frankly, anything.

On the weekends, absent are the routines and busy schedules that fill our weekdays and make time march efficiently forward putting more space between you and that awful day and providing less space to think and hurt and feel the massive absence of him.

With looser schedules and lazier days come quiet times to reflect. The very qualities that I used to relish about our weekends together as a family were suddenly the qualities that left me anxious, restless, and longing for Monday for the first time in memory.

 

With nothing pressing to do and heavy feelings pinning me down, I inevitably turned to distractions that make the weight easier to bear.

Sitting outside on game day, playing with our kids, having quality, relaxed family time is a healthy distraction. One of the few I relied on. I couldn’t have gotten through those early months without my husband’s steady love and support nor without the responsibility I shoulder in caring for our children.

But it wasn’t enough right then.

Social engagements were also a healthy distraction and I couldn’t have survived those early months without my amazing friends and the ease with which we socialize and love each other.

But that wasn’t enough right then, either.

In my weakened state, I didn’t have the will to refuse those immediate, temporary remedies that relieve the scratching anxiety and numb my overbearing emotions.

I quickly found myself unable to say “no more,” to make rational decisions, or to look out for my health and well being.

In an effort to make myself feel whole again, I filled myself to the brim with food, friends, drink, and play and yet at the end of it, I still felt fragmented, broken, empty.

I got lifted above all of that and escaped it, if only briefly, ignoring the inner voice that knew, “what goes up must come down.”

And I woke from my temporary high with the usual disbelief and forthcoming sadness leveled up with a thick layer of fog, exhaustion, and headache on top.

In short, it didn’t make me feel better.

But I did it because it was the weekend.

And in grief, the weekends are the worst.
https://medium.com/hello-love/in-grief-weekends-are-the-worst-12dcd3f176b7

[AJ4]

Everybody else at work is looking forward to their days off.  I'm annoyed because my (work) laptop isn't working today so I can't work from home on a Sunday morning the way I usually do.  There is a whole VPN/privacy thing which means I can't use my personal laptop.    I think I need to be at the clinic to do a password update.  But I don't want to drive all the way in just for that so I'll try to fix it tomorrow.  

I went to a graduation party yesterday, but after almost 2 hours I had run out of socialization energy.   I said I had "things to finish up" at home, which really only meant watching sad movies and crying a lot.   You just can't say "I need to leave your party because I want to go watch sad movies and cry with my dog on my lap".  

[AJ4]

After writing that, I realized I should have been surprised by the emotional end to the day as I managed to pack my Saturday full of hard things.  First, cleaning the house I decided to go through all the dvds/games/vhs tapes and empty out the cabinet of almost everything as we don't really use them anymore. I kept a few sentimantal favorites, but many of things were kids movies or series that my husband and I watched together that I'm not going to watch again, or that he bought for me or I bought for him.  I took them to Goodwill.  Then I went to the garden store to buy seeds and that was painful because buying seeds and planning the garden was always something he got so excited about.  Then we'd go to the store together and pick out way too many things to plant.   So I had to do it by myself, thinking him and his former excitement the whole time.   Then the garden party which had LOTS of older people still with their long time marriages, many of them the age of my parents.  I just want to be an old person with my old husband.    Instead I will be an old person with a heart full of ache. 

[KayC]

I hear you.  I can't even clean these things out as it's 100 mile drive to get rid of everything and with the price of gas now...

That and my hands. Always thwarting me.

Weekends can be rough for the widowed.  What we always used to look forward to "before."

[DWS]

2 hours ago, AJ4 said:

 I said I had "things to finish up" at home, which really only meant watching sad movies and crying a lot.   You just can't say "I need to leave your party because I want to go watch sad movies and cry with my dog on my lap".  

But don't we wish we could!! I wonder sometimes whether I'd get just a little relief from grief by sharing the blatant pain with those who are unaware. 

[Roxeanne]

This is a true reality!

Losing our special person, the w.e. are the worst void time!

'Cos the friends have things to do in their families and if you are alone you have nothing to do except feel alone

I'm not alone always, but for the most part w.e. are unknown territory with a waterfall of emotions...

 

[Carol34]

I have said from the start that weekends are the worst, and after over a year and a half, they're not any better.  I want to spend the morning eating breakfast that Paul cooked.  Nothing I make comes close to his Sunday breakfasts.  I want to map out the route we're taking to the yard sales and estate sales.  We could spend the entire day (and a tank of gas) driving around to them, and coming home with "treasures".  And then spend Sunday evening, catching up on whatever show we'd been watching on Netflix.

But this weekend is really hard!  It's a "cookout holiday".  We always hosted the cookouts at our house.  We'd have upwards of 20 people in our backyard...eating, drinking, telling stories, playing volleyball or badminton.  Today, the grill sits on the patio, cold and quiet.  There are no sounds of people having fun.  Just the birds chirping. 

Nobody has called to say that they're having a cookout.  Nobody has called at all.  Besides the announcers on the baseball game I watched this afternoon, I haven't heard a human voice (other than my own...and I talk to my self a lot!) all day, and it's 6pm as I'm typing this.  

I went to the grocery store yesterday and spent the rest of my money for the month on food to get me by until the 1st.  I'll probably have to call the food pantry in a couple of weeks. 

Sorry for the whining.  But this is hard! 

[shawnt]

I drove to a town an extra half hour away to kill some extra time getting groceries, now I will eat and try and watch tv until it's time to take my sleeping pills. At least I can work tomorrow.

I am sorry you feel so alone,

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Carol34 said:

Nobody has called to say that they're having a cookout.  Nobody has called at all. 

I'm sorry, I don't get calls for cookouts either.  Iris inviting me for dinner the other night was the first time in longer than I can say, it was nice!  She had Denise and her friend last night, she hates being alone.  Me, I kind of relish my sanctuary. It was different with George, he was never invasive, we fit together like a hand and glove.

[widower2]

The only reason I had a cookout plan was due to meetup.com. Unfortunately it was rained out    

tbh I guess I'm lucky in that weekends aren't esp better or worse for me...maybe a little because I'm busy during the day with work, but the nights equally suck. Really just finding ways to keep myself busy is the biggest challenge, weeknights or weekends. 

[Sheilz]

Well the weekend is upon us.  Every day is a weekend for me now that I've retired.  I couldn't work productively if my life depended on it.  But weekends mean more people in their yards having fun, more people in the stores buying things that make them happy, and makes me so sad knowing we were part of that social network.  Life sux and it will always suck.  The last couple days have been really terrible for me thinking I'm definitely going backwards.  But reading posts here, I realize I'm just living my new "normal" trying to get through a day at a time.  Two steps forward & 3 steps backward.  So life is always going backward.  Life sux.  

[SAR12]

@Sheilz I hear you. Weekends can be so depressing. Everyone has plans and they’re all so busy especially during the summer months. Life goes on as normal for everyone else, but not for us.

I’m also recently retired. My husband had just started receiving his social security and Medicare before he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. We had so many plans on how we were going to spend our retirement… My daughter lives in another state 7 hours away and my son and his family live in another country (our first and only grandchild just turned one). It just gets so lonely and I miss him so much! This new normal definitely sux. I’m going to look into either volunteering or getting a part time job. I don’t need the money, but if I had something to do or somewhere to go, I think that would help with the loneliness. Being busy helps, but when I’m not, I tend to get sad and depressed. I see friends occasionally, but it hurts a little when they get to go home to their husbands or they’re having their kids and grandkids over for dinner… I go home and he’s not there. It’s just me and our dog who misses him too. This grieving thing is not fun. When will the pain subside?? 

I don’t like feeling sorry for myself, but here I am feeling sorry for myself. For me, it’s been 1 tiny step forward and 5 giant steps back. 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, SAR12 said:

’m going to look into either volunteering or getting a part time job.

Volunteering is a great idea! Think of the things you are interested in...for instance if one loves animals they could call a shelter and ask what they have open and how to apply.  You could walk dogs, etc.  There are so many possibilities, that's one I would have done if I lived nearer the city, but don't need the commute from here, way too far.  I did the Treasury for my church for 7 1/2 years after I retired.  Now it's all I can do to keep up here. Yesterday was extremely hard...Thursday my pup got two unexpected surgeries...he's not adept at the cone, won't walk, have to hand feed him not only food but water, he wouldn't pee in the yard, finally went in the night...on the couch. Never had an animal do that before, I know he's out of it but...got it cleaned up but can still smell it and it'll take days to dry.  Hope today goes better. Only 10 carbs yesterday but BS was up this morning because I couldn't go on a walk, hoping we live through these next two weeks!

Church having a fun day today, had planned to take Kodie, not now!

9 hours ago, SAR12 said:

here I am feeling sorry for myself.

And that's totally okay! I'm feeling sorry for myself too. (((hugs))) I love Megan Divine's book, "It's OK that You're not OK."

[Sheilz]

12 hours ago, SAR12 said:

We had so many plans on how we were going to spend our retirement… My daughter lives in another state 7 hours away and my son and his family live in another country (our first and only grandchild just turned one). It just gets so lonely and I miss him so much! This new normal definitely sux.

We were recently retired also with plans.  This was going to be "our" year.  With covid at a lull & most health issues taken care of... we were going to travel a bit and visit our only daughter that lives 1500 miles away.  We were pretty excided to start this next chapter in our life.  I'm so sad, angry & heartbroken.  I feel as though I'm going backwards in this journey.  I seem to be crying all the time.  Just day to day functioning is exhausting.  I don't care about anything including myself.  So, this normal definitely sux.  

12 hours ago, SAR12 said:

I’m going to look into either volunteering or getting a part time job

This is a great thought & I hope it works for you.  Maybe in time I will try that too.  Right now just getting groceries delivered & picking up my medication is an accomplishment.  Next... I need to start on all the paperwork & bills that are accumulating.  But I'm just not up to it yet.

[SAR12]

@KayC Great suggestions for volunteering. I like animals so maybe I’ll look into helping out in an animal shelter. 
I checked out the book “It’s Okay that You’re Not Okay” from the library, but I don’t feel ready to read it yet. I try, but then I get so emotional about what my husband went through and I start crying again. Maybe I’ll be ready for it in a couple of months. 
 

@Sheilz You’re still pretty early in the grieving process. That first month was just a blur for me.  My kids took me to Mexico where my son lives so I wouldn’t be alone at Christmas. It helped, but everywhere we went, I knew my husband would have loved being there. We kept hearing Bob Marley (his favorite all time musical artist) songs in restaurants & stores so maybe he was with us. But reality hit coming back home, and like you, I didn’t care about anything. What was the point in living without him? My daughter stayed for a week before she went back to her home. She works remotely so she has come back a couple of more times since then. It must be hard for you having your daughter so far away. Do you keep in contact with her? Do you have any siblings that you can visit? In the winter, nights were the worst for me, but now the days are because it’s summer and he’s not here. I try to work in the yard, but I keep hearing his voice and remember how he would’ve been out in the garage putzing around with a ballgame playing in the background. How I took him for granted! Bills and all the things I  have to do with 401k and bank accounts. I still have to conquer those things. I haven’t taken him off the  cell phone. I see our last text and I start to cry again. 
One thing I do daily is to make a list. I like to cross things off and I put every little thing on it to from walking the dog to doing a load of laundry or paying a bill. Coming here has helped me because I need to hear from people who are going through this too.  It’s been like a life line for me at times. Hang in there-we’re in this together. 

[KayC]

@SAR12 She also has videos. We've had some post them in our forum, you can look on youtube. 

Oh my gosh, peas in a pod! I am totally a list maker! And it feels good to cross something of (even if it's just "fix dinner.").

[Sheilz]

13 hours ago, SAR12 said:

I try to work in the yard, but I keep hearing his voice and remember how he would’ve been out in the garage putzing around

This is so true for me too.  It happened so suddenly that I can picture him everywhere.  I feel I'm going insane at times.  This seems to be getting harder & harder every day, every hour.  I'm trying to do what I think I should be doing to keep going but I'm starting to feel like I'm not going to be able to do this.

 

13 hours ago, SAR12 said:

Do you have any siblings that you can visit?

I'm pretty much alone in this journey.  I only had one sister (who was another best friend) but she passed away 4 years ago.  I'm close to daughter but she's so far & her life is pretty drama filled being a single mom & working.  We do text & facetime.  But it's hard to even keep the sadness at bay when we talk.  I don't want to worry her.  

 

13 hours ago, SAR12 said:

Bills and all the things I  have to do with 401k and bank accounts. I still have to conquer those things. I haven’t taken him off the  cell phone. I see our last text and I start to cry again. 

Paperwork and bills are starting to pile up.  I need to tackle all this but I can't seem to even open them up.  The cell phone is still connected.  I listen to his voicemail & leave messages to him when I feel I can't go on.  Does it help?????  I don't know if anything can help me at this point.  I just want what I can't have....

[Sheilz]

Weekend is almost over thank goodness & I'm broken.  Not sure it's the weekend's fault or just that reality is finally hitting me.  Today was the worse day since.....  Memories hitting me every minute, everywhere I look, everything I watch, everything I touch.  Even TV commercials are destroying me.... we use to laugh at the lume commercials (now I cry), and I can't watch the ads for the medications that he was on (makes me cry).  When will it get easier??????  Every little memory is coming at me all at once.  I'm so heartbroken & just want him back.  I know I'm sliding backwards because all these emotions are so strong right now.  Maybe the numbness is wearing off.  Don't know.  A bit scared that this is how my days will be filled now.  If I doze a bit, the moment my eyes open I remember............. this is my life now!!!!!!  I'm still going to try to find a positive to post later.  Have nothing yet.  

[SAR12]

@Sheilz I often felt like this last winter and nights were the worst. I have two friends who are widows and they helped me when I felt so lost and alone. One friend suggested journaling and that helped. I didn’t think it would, but writing what I was feeling and going through was cathartic for me. Another thing that helped was putting on an exercise video on YouTube. It kept me busy trying to keep up and figuring out the moves (I’m such a klutz, lol). I found this site from someone on the NextDoor app from who had suggested it. It’s been a big help reading posts from people who have or are grieving too. Have you thought of joining a grief support group? I haven’t tried this, but maybe you could look into it. 
 

It’s hard when your kids live far away like your daughter does. Texts, phone calls, and FaceTime help, but it’s not the same as having them nearby. Have you thought of moving closer to your daughter and grandchildren? 
 

You’re still in the very early stages of grief. The six month anniversary of my beloved husband’s death is tomorrow and I can’t believe he’s been gone 6 months already. I have okay days and bad days, but it’s better than the early days. I know I’ll never get over losing him, but I’m kind of getting use to it although there are still days when I can’t believe he’s really gone-how did this happen?? It will get less painful, but you’ll always miss him. With each stage, I tell myself this is the grieving process that I’ve been forced to go through. Hang in there and come here whenever you’re struggling. We’re here for you. 

[Sheilz]

31 minutes ago, SAR12 said:

Have you thought of joining a grief support group? I haven’t tried this, but maybe you could look into it. 

I actually did a virtual support group that wasn't bad and I did look into where they were in my area.  But leaving the house & going places alone just seems like such an impossible task right now.  I do have a friend but she seems to think I should be getting "better" by now.  I have to remind there that there is no "better"... just easier.  And I hope for that day.

 

33 minutes ago, SAR12 said:

Have you thought of moving closer to your daughter and grandchildren? 

Seems so overwhelming at this time.  Selling house, packing up & finding a place.  Plus, no one has suggested that & I'm not sure I would want to.  Too soon to even thing about it yet.  

 

34 minutes ago, SAR12 said:

I can’t believe he’s really gone-how did this happen??

I'm still at this point.  He has all these little projects started everywhere.  It breaks my heart knowing that he wasn't ready to leave.  The pain of it is unbearable lately.  I'm struggling to get to a point where it's a bit easier but it seems to be getting harder.  I question will I even make it???????

Thank you so much for your input & suggestions.  I try them all hoping some will help.  So these are on my list of "tries".  Everyone here is wonderful.  Not sure where I would be without this group.

[KayC]

53 minutes ago, SAR12 said:

I can’t believe he’s been gone 6 months

Six Month Mark

Will be thinking of you...

16 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

Not sure where I would be without this group.

I feel we owe a lot to Elyse and Kelly, our admin.

[Blondiefan]

Hey everyone, im really new here. Im in my 40's and my partner of 15 years took his life, so over past three years ive lost my partner and my parents. My partner (we had split) had addiction and depression problems, i honestly couldn't take anymore, im a shell of myself and I miss him everyday. Ive so much guilt but it was abusive. I miss my wonderful parents too. 

My partner and I had no children as he had cancer previously. My family and friends are all in relationships and i feel like a burden, they just live their lives, and its good for them but im in so much pain. I feel like a joke to everyone

I just came here as I feel ive no where else to go. I have 4 pets who are my loves.

I feel life is so unfair. Truly.

 

[Sheilz]

4 hours ago, Blondiefan said:

My family and friends are all in relationships and i feel like a burden, they just live their lives, and its good for them but im in so much pain.

It's not a fun journey for sure.  You need to focus on one day at a time.  That's the only way I can get through the days right now.  (honestly it's hour by hour). And this board is a "safe haven" to share your feelings without any judgement. 

This journey is yours alone.  The loneliness is at times unbearable.  But you are not alone.  We are all here for you.  

[DWS]

Weekends are still the worst. Ugh!

[widower2]

Re the article, it's different for everyone. For me weekends aren't the worst. I'd far rather work in the yard or watch a ball game or a movie or get out and do something other than work as I do during the week. When and if I finally retire, every day will be a "weekend" basically so it won't be the worst then either. 

 

 

[Griefsucks810]

On 5/21/2023 at 9:31 AM, AJ4 said:

After writing that, I realized I should have been surprised by the emotional end to the day as I managed to pack my Saturday full of hard things.  First, cleaning the house I decided to go through all the dvds/games/vhs tapes and empty out the cabinet of almost everything as we don't really use them anymore. I kept a few sentimantal favorites, but many of things were kids movies or series that my husband and I watched together that I'm not going to watch again, or that he bought for me or I bought for him.  I took them to Goodwill.  Then I went to the garden store to buy seeds and that was painful because buying seeds and planning the garden was always something he got so excited about.  Then we'd go to the store together and pick out way too many things to plant.   So I had to do it by myself, thinking him and his former excitement the whole time.   Then the garden party which had LOTS of older people still with their long time marriages, many of them the age of my parents.  I just want to be an old person with my old husband.    Instead I will be an old person with a heart full of ache. 

Unfortunately we must live this new life of ours as we get older in age without our beloved husbands.  It’s a sad reality we must accept and make it a part of our new life.  When I see an elderly couple I envy them because i got cheated out of our forever together.  He told me that he’d never leave me but he did and now I’m all alone.  I know he did not leave me by choice and I’ve learned to accept it that God took him from me because it God wanted him back with him.  The only things I have left of his are his clothing which I’ll never part with.

 

[immortalgypsy]

I don’t know if I agree with the weekend sentiment yet… I’ll let you know after this next weekend. I was dreading with all my heart having to go back to work Monday through Friday. 

[KayC]

At least it's a distraction...missing our weekends together was horrible...I was so used to laying in his arms, enjoying our time together...the absence of it was excruciating.