Do we idealise our deceased partners?

[ThereIsAField]

Reading everyone's stories here, makes it seem like almost everyone's relationships were wonderful and their partner was amazing.

I guess it makes sense - if a relationship was wonderful and your partner was amazing, then the loss will be all the greater and these are the people that are likely to be part of a grieving forum and people who's partners weren't that great are probably not going to spend as much time on a grieving forum... ?

I'm wondering tho, whether there isn't also a dynamic of "idealising" the person that's passed away. Sort of how the saying goes "don't speak ill of the dead"  - it's sort of the equivalent "don't think or feel ill of the dead"...

Maybe my situation is just plain different to most people's here, because my relationship with my partner was not all wonderful and amazing. Yes, parts of it were. But there were also some very, very difficult and painful times. And he had plenty of flaws (as do I). My grieving brain tends to remember only "the good" and grieves the loss of all the good things excessively. I'm pretty certain that I'm (over) idealising him tho and I think that, ultimately, that's contributing to my not being able to process my grief. I think remembering him more realistically - both the good and the bad - both the sweet and the difficult times - would help me be able to LIVE better with this grief, instead of just surviving and going through the motions of living.

[DWS]

1 minute ago, ThereIsAField said:

I think remembering him more realistically - both the good and the bad - both the sweet and the difficult times - would help me be able to LIVE better with this grief, instead of just surviving and going through the motions of living.

I definitely have made the same observations as you. I admit to myself that my partner Tom was not all that and a bag of chips however, I miss those flaws! They were part of the package and thankfully, his imperfections equaled mine. Perhaps much of our grieving is the loss of a sweet someone who was "flawed" enough to love us!! And that's not to put ourselves down...it's understanding how wonderful the pairing of two imperfect people can be. In a world that demands perfection of us, the loss of our person who took that continual pressure off us does create a huge void. 

[KayC]

33 minutes ago, ThereIsAField said:

I'm wondering tho, whether there isn't also a dynamic of "idealising" the person that's passed away.

In my situation, I'd have to say, "No."  We had something we dealt with right before he died and we were doing that.  It was hard.  I learned to accept the whole of the man. That said, my husband was an amazing man who made a bad choice, but he died doing everything right and I've no doubt we would have made it through even those challenges intact.  He was the love of my life, and I his.

[Dawn Wms]

My husband wasn't perfect, but neither am I.  The thing is we were the two who gladly put up with the bad as well as the good because the good was worth it.  I am like DWS who misses the flaws too.  I just feel like we were perfectly imperfect for one another.  I don't idealize him.  I remember the bad times as well as the good, but I know we endured them because of how much we loved one another.  We were just two imperfect people trying to get through life together.  I miss all of him.

[widower2]

 

[Shinka]

I'd say that my grief doesn't stem from having had a 'wonderful marriage'. My husband and I were complete opposites, and we were a challenge to each other. We had few but feisty fights with me more often than not demolishing yet another frying pan. But all these things formed us into quite a formidable team. We had each other's back and we knew that. What I grief is not the loss of an unflawed husband, but the loss of my buddy, my brother in arms, my companion on this difficult path called life. My crazy, creative, stubborn, willful, sensitive Jack of all traits. The love of my life. 

[Roxeanne]

On 5/16/2023 at 7:38 PM, ThereIsAField said:

My grieving brain tends to remember only "the good" 

You are right! I tend to remember only "the good" but maybe 'cos the bad thing are part of package if you understand what i mean.

You can't take the good without take the bad...or more: "if you don't love me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best!"

12 hours ago, Shinka said:

But all these things formed us into quite a formidable team. We had each other's back and we knew that. What I grief is not the loss of an unflawed husband, but the loss of my buddy, my brother in arms, my companion on this difficult path called life. My crazy, creative, stubborn, willful, sensitive Jack of all traits. The love of my life. 

Absolutely! What i'm grieving is my soulmate, the best companion in this wonderful and terrible journey called life...the one who made me laugh, the one who understand me, the special person that i liked the most in the world!!

Thank you for the words Shinka...my crazy, creative, stubborn, willful, tender, joyful sensitive, funny ,cheerful, handsome, my love Giorgio!!!

Nothing less...

[foreverhis]

I certainly have had my "put him on a pedestal" moments.  In part, I think it's because I mostly need to remember the good, so much good and happy and silly and loving, because to do otherwise puts me back in the dark seeing only his last painful, difficult months and the moment of losing him.  For so long, all I could see and remember were those months and his last day.

For me, it's also a subconscious feeling of "Well, John's not here to 'defend' himself" and besides, why would I want to talk about his imperfections?  I have plenty of my own and he never "threw them in my face."  We rarely argued and had actual fights only a few times over 35 years.  I try to put those things in the past, where they belong, and bring forward with me only all that was wonderful.  He truly was perfect for me and he accepted me "warts and all."  That makes him worthy of idealizing a bit.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

why would I want to talk about his imperfections?

Good way of putting it!

17 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

"if you don't love me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best!"

And this too!

[widower2]

For me it's a question of trying to remember her as she really was vs deifying her. While certainly we don't want to focus on their faults as much, IMO it's no crime to have them or to remember that our loved ones had them. In fact, for me, it actually helped me at times when I was beating myself up about being so grossly inadequate and failing her or not being everything she deserved to have, which was way more than I was. I generally think of her as so sweet and kind and amazing and beautiful in every sense of the word - and she was - but over time I remembered that she wasn't perfect, and I realized that's OK, she was a human being after all, and I think she would be perfectly OK with me remembering that too, perhaps even wanting me to so as to keep more of a realistic perspective on her and our relationship. 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

I remembered that she wasn't perfect, and I realized that's OK, she was a human being after all

Yes and that's one thing I loved about George and my relationship, we accepted and loved each other as is, we didn't have to be perfect...we were perfect for each other, perfect together.

[AJ4]

I remember lots of times that weren't so perfect.  We had arguments, or just irritations the same as lots of people.  But overall, there was much more good times.  He was always there for me.  We always tried our best to do that for each other.  I think when you love someone you tend to minimize their flaws and look more at the good traits.   But I don't feel like he's more idealized now than before.  I do prefer to think of the happy times if I can.   

[Griefsucks810]

On 5/20/2023 at 10:57 PM, AJ4 said:

I remember lots of times that weren't so perfect.  We had arguments, or just irritations the same as lots of people.  But overall, there was much more good times.  He was always there for me.  We always tried our best to do that for each other.  I think when you love someone you tend to minimize their flaws and look more at the good traits.   But I don't feel like he's more idealized now than before.  I do prefer to think of the happy times if I can.   

My husband and I were complete opposites but we were compatible. We had our share of bad times but always made up at the end of the day. Most of the times were good times. The last year of our marriage was unstable cuz he became addicted to heroin. It broke my heart and I felt helpless that I couldn’t get him clean and sober but I chose to stay married to him. There were many times I’ve told him that I’d leave him if he didn’t stop using the heroin - I didn’t leave him.  He died on 8/21/19 from receiving a fentanyl laced bag of heroin.
I loved my husband with all of my heart and remember him for being the loving kind caring compassionate and understanding man that he was. 

[JonathanFive]

On 5/16/2023 at 1:38 PM, ThereIsAField said:

Reading everyone's stories here, makes it seem like almost everyone's relationships were wonderful and their partner was amazing.

 

I never said that.  I said, "he was the love of my life."   He had his faults, I have my faults, and we had the deepest connection, I know he truly loved me, and I truly loved him.  You take the bad with the good.  No relationship is perfect.

I do not idolize my partner, I grieve his/my loss.

My baby was/his eternal soul is geniunely a good person/entity, with an amazingly awesome personality, full of sweetness and love

[HisMunchkin]

For me, I think there's a tiny bit of that "idealizing", or more like "a tendency to remember mostly the good things about him".  I still talk about the little frustrations that I've had with him to other people, though.  Overall, while our relationship wasn't like something out of a perfect fairy tale, we didn't have any major problems either.  As a whole person (with all the "good"and the "bad" and "everything in between"), I loved him, and still love him and miss him dearly.  And maybe there's also a bit of "took some things for granted" while he was still alive that surfaces after the person passes as well.

ThereIsAField - do you think it would help you move forward better to talk to someone about the very painful times you've had with your late husband?