In love with deceased and new love both

[KayC]

 

Fiancee Still Carries Torch for Late Spouse - May 16, 2023 -

 

DEAR ABBY: I'm in love with two men at the same time, but one of them happens to be dead. Twelve years ago, I met a wonderful man, "Carl." We had each other at "Hello" and became engaged two weeks later. We were very happily married until I lost him to cancer six years later.

Two years after I lost Carl, I decided to dip my toe back in the dating pool. A few months later, I met "Philip." We also were immediately attracted to each other and are very happy together. We've been a couple for four years and will be married this summer. He's very understanding about my feelings and memories of Carl. Am I wrong to marry this man I love dearly when I still have feelings for my late husband? -- WONDERING WIDOW IN MISSOURI

DEAR WONDERING WIDOW: When a spouse dies, the love the couple had for each other doesn't also die. The love you feel for Carl can last as long as you do, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. I have said many times that grief is an individual process. That you have fallen in love with Philip doesn't lessen your love for your late husband. Celebrate your good fortune. I wish you and Philip a lifetime of happiness together.

[Roxeanne]

Very lucky woman! I'd like  to meet someone i can shared my life with , even someone i can love...but until now i only met  men that are not enough!

I compare them with my lost loved one and the only thing i wish is run away...

[widower2]

For heaven's sake Kay I thought you were telling us you met someone   

[DWS]

3 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

I compare them with my lost loved one and the only thing i wish is run away...

I'm nowhere ready yet to dip a toe in any dating pool but I do understand your feelings. I will take notice of guys when I'm out and about. Most of them make me more appreciative of my partner and when there's the occasional one that resembles his look and personality, I end up in tears with that reminder so right now, it's kind of a lose/lose situation that ends up with me singing "nothing compares to you". 

[ThereIsAField]

My mind and heart were absolutely stone cold sealed shut like a grave for the past 6.5 years since I lost my partner. Then, six months ago, I started a new job and developed a totally unexpected and really, really serious crush on a colleague. It turned out he's married with kids, so he's not an option, but wowwww.... I honestly thought that I'd spend the entire rest of my life absolutely and utterly unable to love another man again, ever. I'm so grateful to this colleague - unbeknownst to him, he's resuscitated my heart... I feel like my heart was dead for 6.5 years and this guy brought it back to life and made me realise that at least in theory, it's possible for me to feel deep, genuine and tender love again. Not sure what to do about it or where that will take me - not sure I want a new relationship - but it floored me to realise it's at least a possibility.

[KayC]

You know, my daughter recently was divorced from a man who did her so wrong after all she'd been to him, it was very hard.  But I remember her telling me she is so glad she has her brother because he is proof there ARE good men out there!  And I'm so glad he is that example for her.

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

For heaven's sake Kay I thought you were telling us you met someone   

LOL, I see how the thread title must have thrown you off!

[EST]

Hello- I am new here today- like several others I have noticed who have posted, I am here bc my grief support group wasn't a good fit for me for a few reasons, and while I have a therapist and I like her, I think she thinks I am mostly fine because she has not experienced this  kind of loss and because I am functioning.  Maybe I am for having lost my husband a little over a year ago, but the loneliness has really set in and everyone in my life has gone back to living theirs, as they should. I am not ready to date- like nauseated not ready, but I am only in midlife and everyone has families and spouses and activities every weekend and  I am grasping for things to do with people. So I think about trying dating anyway.  But it feels so hopeless as people I meet on any given day cannot hold a candle to my husband and our bond- even with all our typical challenges. And so then, like in the original post, who in the dating world is up to that kind of challenge with me?  Good grief so many obstacles! I am thankful to have found this site and to have read posts from all of you who have obviously felt all I have and who are so clearly empathic and supportive to each to other. 

[KayC]

Hello, welcome here! You've found a caring supportive family here, so feel free to read and post, it's a good way to process our grief with others that "get it and understand."

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Roxeanne]

16 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

I honestly thought that I'd spend the entire rest of my life absolutely and utterly unable to love another man again, ever. I'm so grateful to this colleague - unbeknownst to him, he's resuscitated my heart... I feel like my heart was dead for 6.5 years and this guy brought it back to life and made me realise that at least in theory, it's possible for me to feel deep, genuine and tender love again. Not sure what to do about it or where that will take me - not sure I want a new relationship - but it floored me to realise it's at least a possibility.

So good Thereisafield...i have your doubts now! I'm not sure i will able to find space in my life for an another man...my heart is closed! But at the same time i hope someone resuscitates my heart as well...it help to know that it can happens!!! Thank you for your experience🥰

[Roxeanne]

17 hours ago, DWS said:

I'm nowhere ready yet to dip a toe in any dating pool but I do understand your feelings. I will take notice of guys when I'm out and about. Most of them make me more appreciative of my partner and when there's the occasional one that resembles his look and personality, I end up in tears with that reminder so right now, it's kind of a lose/lose situation that ends up with me singing "nothing compares to you". 

Thank you DWS to say it so well...they are my feelings! I don't know if i really want someone again or i'm playing as the fox and the grapes...

I think that when you are really ready you don't compare every men to your unattainable loved one...you will take a man for what he is!

 

 

[KayC]

1 minute ago, Roxeanne said:

I think that when you are really ready you don't compare every men to your unattainable loved one...you will take a man for what he is!

True...I just haven't found one and since I don't date...I don't expect to ever marry or find someone, I haven't been looking and someone would have to hit me over the head with their wonderfulness! 

[DWS]

Here is a video that I bookmarked quite a while ago and have watched countless number of times. The imagery used is powerful and matches the insightful words of C.S. Lewis. I think of the character brutalizing her heart balloon at the start as death itself. 

 

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

So good Thereisafield...i have your doubts now! I'm not sure i will able to find space in my life for an another man...my heart is closed! But at the same time i hope someone resuscitates my heart as well...it help to know that it can happens!!! Thank you for your experience🥰

I think we just never know what lies ahead and after John died, I stopped looking.  I had 35 years with my "imperfect, but perfect for me" love.  That's enough for me.  Yet, I'm always heartened to hear when another of us is able to open their heart and love again.  In no way does that mean leaving our soulmates behind or "moving on" away from them.  There's room in our hearts for more love, however that manifests itself, and we will always carry our soulmates forward with us. 

I am lucky enough to have always had male friends who were never going to be, never wanted to be, more than dear friends.  So I do have the companionship of masculine presence (in the best meaning of that term).  All but two are married to female friends of mine/ours.  The two who are divorced have been incredibly respectful, never trying to change the dynamic we shared for years before John died.

Last weekend, I attended a very special event at a winery owned by friends.  My sister and BIL came down to visit and attend as well.  As I am a friend of the vintners, I was able to invite Raleigh's parents (Raleigh is my Goddog and visits with me a few times a week), who are very dear to me.  At the last minute, one friend had to stay home with a foster kitten who had taken ill.  Her husband, my baking partner, attended with us.  He had also gone with me to the summer garden party last year, where we had a lovely time.  I looked at him on Saturday and joked, "You realize you're going to be my safe date for these events now if (his wife) can't attend with us?"  He smiled and told me he was honored that I felt that way, as he and his wife do too.  Over the past going on 5 years, these two friends and I have grown ever closer as I was able to let them in bit by bit.  They suffered a loss of their own many years ago when their daughter died at birth, so they've been amazing.  John and I were just getting to know them when he was diagnosed and we are all too aware of how much we and he are missing with his absence.

There are so many kinds of love that even though my shattered heart does not have "room" for a new romantic love, I have been able to open up to other love that helps ease the grief and pain.  That is something I wish for all of us.  For some, that will be a new partner, which can be a wonderful grace and gift.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Gator M said:

For me...very unlikely.

I'm just trying to get past the melancholy and extreme apathy.

Just a warning to anyone thinking about it, (not saying you, Gator, this remark just reminded me!) make sure you are used to living alone FIRST and are happy and at peace with yourself BEFORE dating, don't make the mistake of trying to rebuild your life WITH someone, that doesn't work and if your brain is in grief fog, not good to start with someone new.

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

"imperfect, but perfect for me" love. 

I love this, esp. in light of someone's recent thread about us possibly idolizing them...this is a good way to put it. I remember someone recently saying they'd hated when they (left socks on the floor, dishes in the sink, you replace it with whatever habit) but now what they wouldn't give to see that!

[KayC]

@DWS I love CS Lewis and didn't know he made videos like this (only 3 min, everyone watch it!)  No one has appeared in my life but I'm content with it as is.

[shawnt]

The human heart has an infinite capacity to love. After my 1st son was born I was almost overwhelmed with love for him so much so that when we were expecting our 2nd I worried that I couldn't love the next child as much but as soon as I held him  I was in love again, and the same for the next 2.

Romantic & companion love are different because we have to choose it and be open to it but I have no doubt we have the capacity to love again, whether we have the will of desire is another matter.

Edited May 27, 2023 by shawnt
Spelling\context

[I miss you so much]

On 5/16/2023 at 6:27 PM, widower2 said:

For heaven's sake Kay I thought you were telling us you met someone   

I thought the same

[KayC]

It's a Dear Abby!

[Dana L]

I am new to this group and lost my husband of 40 years in April 2022. I have spent the last year in grief fog, started collecting survivor benefits and went part time remote at work.  I feel much better now but just so alone. Lost my parents, then my brother in 2020 and then my husband. I have one grown son who is on his own. My question for the group is… I got on a dating app and have been talking with someone who seems nice but I am scared he might not be real and maybe I am being duped. How do you know??? I would like to find a new best friend and enjoy life again but I also wonder if I am just lonely and making him into someone he is not. Ugh 

[KayC]

I'm not sure you CAN know in a long distance relationship, esp. over the internet. I am so sorry for all of your losses!  That is a lot.  You do want to make sure you have lived alone a long enough period of time to be comfortable with your identity, living alone, and are no longer in grief brain or shock. This can take a number of years. 
Hoping other long term grievers will weigh in on this as I don't date for those reasons and more. Pay attention to any red flags, do not excuse them (lying, etc.) and check everything out!  Things were simpler back when it was a friend introducing you.  Maybe try Meetup to meet people?  Any group activity you join will broaden your social life as you meet and get to know new people.

Multiple Losses
Dating After Loss
Dating

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[shawnt]

I am afraid I have no personal experience with online, but I have some friends and children who do and my impression from them is it is just like real life you have to build trust over time and like any other relationship let it grow or wither on its own merits.

I have thought of online for myself but have not been able to overcome my fear (yet?)

[DWS]

2 hours ago, Dana L said:

I got on a dating app and have been talking with someone who seems nice but I am scared he might not be real and maybe I am being duped. How do you know??? I would like to find a new best friend and enjoy life again but I also wonder if I am just lonely and making him into someone he is not. Ugh 

I'm so sorry for the tremendous loss of your husband. I was never fortunate enough to spend 40 years with one person so I can't even imagine how challenging it all has been for you over this past year.

I can say that I have had my experience with online dating (an understatement!). I did meet my partner Tom online. We only got to have four short years together when he passed away in February 2022 but he was perfect for me...so online dating can certainly work. My biggest words of caution are the words that you used at the end of your comment: "making him into someone he is not". I did just that when I first got into the online dating thing years ago. It's so easy to do. They say the words and our romantic hearts and minds will paint the rest of the image with brighter colours than what's ever really possible. I eventually caught on to look between the lines for sincerity, humility and imperfection because that usually leads to a special someone who reluctantly placed their lonely but decent and deserving-of-love self in an ad. 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, DWS said:

I have had my experience with online dating (an understatement!). I did meet my partner Tom online.

And I apologize for making it sound you can't find a gem online.  But in those early days, it can be hard to decipher..  I am glad you got those four years together!  George and I started long distance (within same state) as I wrote a letter to the editor and he responded (I'd asked them not to publish my address but they did). I'm so glad and it was amazing how we clicked from the beginning!  We knew each other 2 3/4 years before we got married.

[widower2]

11 hours ago, Dana L said:

I am new to this group and lost my husband of 40 years in April 2022. I have spent the last year in grief fog, started collecting survivor benefits and went part time remote at work.  I feel much better now but just so alone. Lost my parents, then my brother in 2020 and then my husband. I have one grown son who is on his own. My question for the group is… I got on a dating app and have been talking with someone who seems nice but I am scared he might not be real and maybe I am being duped. How do you know??? I would like to find a new best friend and enjoy life again but I also wonder if I am just lonely and making him into someone he is not. Ugh 

My 2 cents:

- Only you can know if it's been long enough to consider seeing someone again; as with grief in general, it varies for everyone and there are no pat or "normal" timelines. It is good and wise that you are at least questioning whether you're ready and whether you'd judge him objectively vs just diving right in.
- This is just IMO but regardless, I would not suggest trying to get involved with someone who is not local or pretty close to it. Yes I know some have and it worked, but I think it's a low percentage deal; talking to someone online or on the phone isn't the same as being with them, and I mean on a frequent basis, not just once in a great while. IMO you can't KNOW if this person is sincere (and right for you) without that.
- If you do start dating, I suggest public places to start...restaurants, wineries, movies, stuff like that. "Safe" places. I wouldn't to go his place or let him to yours (except to pick you up) until you know him better.
- It could help if family or friends get to meet them too; their opinion is only that, but they can be more objective. 

 

[Dana L]

Update: Poked some more questions at him and learned he was only trying to find a “friend with benefits”.  I can’t believe I was so gullible to think it was going somewhere it clearly was not. I guess I just miss my husband so much and wanted to believe I found someone who was also lonely and going to make me happy again. So I removed my profile from the dating site and spiraled back into the black hole of grief. I am very isolated and only my son left in my family (he knows nothing about this mess thank goodness)… I am 60 and accepting that I will be living  alone for the rest of my life is a daunting feeling. Thanks for listening and to the rest of you like me, I am SO VERY sorry for your loss. Just sharing my embarrassing story so you don’t make the same mistake I did .

[KayC]

Better to know now, the sooner the better.  Of course you miss your husband, if he only could, he'd hold you in his arms and give you the love you deserve.  You can't know you'll be alone, one never knows.  Of course I have been for 18 years so don't hold out hope...I'm 70 now.

Keep coming here, we care.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

2/3 of remarriages of widower/widows end in divorce.

Wondering where you got that statistic? I can't find any...

[DWS]

3 hours ago, Dana L said:

So I removed my profile from the dating site and spiraled back into the black hole of grief. I am very isolated and only my son left in my family (he knows nothing about this mess thank goodness)… I am 60 and accepting that I will be living  alone for the rest of my life is a daunting feeling.

I'm sorry it didn't turn out to be what you hoped for but nothing about that little venture is embarrassing. Earlier this spring, our local news hour spotlighted one of those outdoor/RV shows happening in my city that weekend. The news reporter on the scene did a short interview with a couple in their early 70s who were looking through a newer motorhome. They mentioned that they had met a couple years earlier...a couple of empty nesters... and were ready to spend time traveling. I thought of how cool that is....that out of the ashes of our losses, the garden still grows. And ashes are good for compost so you know there's nutrients there. 

[KayC]

28 minutes ago, Gator M said:

https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/a42638493/second-marriages-divorce/

But that doesn't specify in remarried widowed folks! I wondered because I looked for a couple of hours and never did come up with stats on that!

34 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I just heard it on a YouTube dealing with widowers.  I do know from Divorce Care, the divorce rate for all second marriages is near 70%.  They may have dropped because a lot of people now "Live Together" and those numbers are not accounted for.   Those numbers are estimated to be even higher.  

But divorce is way different than widowhood and I don't think their stats should apply to such. It'd be interesting if anyone ever did a survey of such, but even the census doesn't keep that.

[KayC]

47 minutes ago, Gator M said:

we were told it's like living with a ghost or a saint. 

A person has to keep in mind if they remarry the next person is NOT the same as the one they lost.  If they can't do that, they (imo) should not remarry, it'd be a disservice to the next one and it would doom the marriage and devastate them..  

[Dana L]

So for those of you who have no interest in finding a new partner/best friend (not necessarily remarry) but just to have someone to go out, talk to, travel….what do you do to be happy? There’s only so much tv, coffee with a friend, cleaning, and waking the dog that a person can do. The evenings are the worst. The loneliness and boredom has been horrible for me.

[WithoutHer]

I for one am doing nothing to be happy. I am a few days from being 4 months in. I did all those things with Vickie and no one else because I have no one else to do them with. I had no living family when we met and I now have no one since she's gone. We were as perfect together as I imagine a couple should be. I have no interest in finding someone for company just to have company.

[Dana L]

The first year was like that for me. I was just grieving and could think of nothing else. I guess now that a little over a year has passed the grieving has subsided a little and now I am just longing to have a new best friend. 😔 I met my husband when I was 17 so being alone is a new experience for me. Guess I need to just get used to it.

[WithoutHer]

The loneliness is taking is taking it's toll on me and there's not a day without tears. I never loved, the way we loved each other. She was happier than she had ever been. The heart she loved with just wouldn't sustain her any more.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Dana L said:

what do you do to be happy?

My puppy fills much of that void. I go to bed early and get up early. I don't really think about "being happy."  I used to want someone to hike with, I was 52 when he died.  Now that I'm 70, it's enough just to go on long walks with Kodie.  I have a routine, that helps.  A lot of people do meetups not for coupledom but for friends.  I've become more of an introvert over the years.  Where I live makes all the difference in the world, I can't picture living in the city.  Totally a country girl.  I love the nature.

[KayC]

Along these lines, I found a list of scams and thought this would be a good one to post since so much "dating" is online (From FBI's site):
https://www.fbi.gov/how-we-can-help-you/safety-resources/scams-and-safety/common-scams-and-crimes/romance-scams

For that matter, you might as well have the whole list:
https://www.fbi.gov/how-we-can-help-you/safety-resources/scams-and-safety/common-scams-and-crimes

[Dana L]

Thank you for revisiting this topic and posting these KayC.

I thought you all were feeling like you had no interest in finding a new companion and I was just the weirdo trying to replace my husband.  I know I can never do that, he was wonderful to me and I will never find another like him but it’s been 14 months and the loneliness is eating at me. 

The online dating experience also made me realize how damn vulnerable I am. Believing someone you never met is not something I EVER thought I would fall for. I am actually highly educated and very successful … being so gullible has been a major hit on my psyche this week. Thank god that little voice in my head said stop.. something’s wrong here (it was probably my husband!!) 😱UGH grief sucks.

Hugs to all of you going through this pain… it’s indescribable…

[KayC]

As George is mine, hence, old and alone!

@Dana L Don't know why I can't tag you...you are definitely not the only one wanting to rebuild what you lost...it's just not that simple and we are ALL vulnerable in early grief!  Esp. since we have no roadmap how to do this.

[shawnt]

I am not looking for a replacement, or a redo. I was married for 10 years(we were young) and we were madly in love and then we weren't. I was single for 3 years (and dated a lot and kissed quite a few frogs) and then I met my Sue ; and she was my life, we had kids and built a great life (25 years). I don't believe I can ever have that again, time is past and you can never step in the same river water twice. But perhaps,if I am lucky there is someone else I can share some parts of my life with and see what we can grow.It would be cruel to myself and whoever to think of it as anything but a new start.

For now though I am to frightened to make a start. I do however have hope

( I should have put that in my positive for today)

[DWS]

2 hours ago, Dana L said:

The online dating experience also made me realize how damn vulnerable I am. Believing someone you never met is not something I EVER thought I would fall for. I am actually highly educated and very successful … being so gullible has been a major hit on my psyche this week. Thank god that little voice in my head said stop.. something’s wrong here (it was probably my husband!!) 😱UGH grief sucks.

Online dating can work just fine with some patience and gained insight. Being vulnerable with it is so common among those who aren't even in absolute turmoil and grief over the loss of their spouse. I've always looked at it as a much needed outlet for those who aren't into the bar scene or joining groups and clubs, or lack much social connectivity. In regards to men....single men that is...many can be described as lone wolves getting by in their daily lives being responsible, caring adults who just have lost their way in how to meet suitable mates. Posting an ad is a possible answer to solving their loneliness and getting a chance to share their life story with someone....so there are good guys out there if and when you're feeling confident and at peace again to give it another try. But yes...grief sucks!!!

[shawnt]

I meant realizing I had hope should be in the " My positive for today " category. 

And I do have hope that I can make my way now. I still feel this enormous sorrow but I think that may be a life long condition.

[Jemiga70]

On 6/7/2023 at 7:51 AM, Dana L said:

I got on a dating app and have been talking with someone who seems nice but I am scared he might not be real and maybe I am being duped. How do you know???

I'm so sorry for your losses @Dana L.

You might find this video helpful.  (I've watched several of Sevilla's videos, not the dating again ones, but where she talks of sudden loss and the metaphysical.)

Take care,