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accused of being in love with my deceased best friend

All we know

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All we know

About 7 months ago I lost my childhood best friend to addiction. We were close my entire life. She was more of a sister, my whole family suffered her loss and I am in pain every day. 
I’m married and in a same sex marriage to someone I thought knew me better than anyone. Someone I thought would be able to ease some of my pain. And on some ways she has but I’m so hurt by some of her actions and the things that she has done since. Aside from the negative things she holds onto that had happened between them even the small petty things that should not be mentioned out of respect. My friend name was Meagan and she was the kindest person I’ve ever known. But no one is perfect and when you’re an addict you’re not going to always make the best choices. I feel like she deserves for some things to not be things that are remembered as she to me now is just Meagan. I don’t feel like i should have to talk about the things she has done wrong that her and my wife (Jess) had problems in result of. 
I feel so hurt and I’m so lost because I hate telling anyone what we are going through right now. And that is that my wife for the first time in 12 years of knowing me is now accusing me of being in love with Meagan. It hurts because I feel like she should know better and I’m being called a liar and I’m having to defend a relationship that meant the world to me. She says some people agree with her and I feel if that’s the case those people don’t matter. I lost my best friend and if we were so close that people can’t believe it was only a friendship then I see that as me being lucky to have been that close to her because she’s gone and I can’t believe I’ll never see her again.  I’m lost without her. She was my go to person. She’s never left me and the time she did step back for a moment because of our own personal issues I now hear from my wife how bad of a friend that made her. 
I feel if I was in love with Meagan that it would take away from the genuine friendship we had. I wouldn’t feel any friendship was genuine if there was hidden feelings so it hurts me that she won’t respect me enough to stop and believe me and just allow me to love and miss Meagan without feeling like I have to watch how much I speak of her or how I choose to grieve and that I don’t display too much to the public because she feels I’m disrespecting her by doing so. Jess should know better than anyone what Meagan and I had. And I don’t feel that it’s right that she wouldn’t want me to hold onto anything I have left that allows me to feel close to Meagan. Or understand why I feel the need to defend the realness of our friendship and what she meant to me. So I feel closed up now I feel so hurt and alone and I can’t no matter what I say get her to stop this. 

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Dear All we Know,

That is a very tough situation you're in and I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear friend Meagan. Having your partner accuse you of being in love with her instead of offering her support is cause for concern. It sounds like your wife did not feel the same way as you did about Meagan and harbors jealousy about your relationship. I feel for you, as this is negatively affecting your grieving process as well as your marriage. 

Perhaps you could set up some boundaries with Jess which could include not speaking negatively about Meagan in your presence. You could also ask her to give you your space while you're trying to process your loss. It's not fair of your partner to throw these guilt trips on you and I'm getting some vibes of manipulation from what you expressed.

Have you thought about marriage counselling? If your wife was willing to go, I would consider that. A third impartial party can help you both sort through your feelings and teach you better ways to communicate with regard to the role Meagan played in your lives. 

Also, I would consider grief counselling separately for yourself. You need a safe space to be able to express your grief freely, without judgement. This forum is good for that also. 

I hope this helps some how. Grief is a difficult journey enough without being made to feel guilty about it. 

Peace to you. 

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