Loss of my "joie de vivre"

[DWS]

I had another grief counseling session last week. These sessions will be coming to an end soon. I think I've said and expressed all that I need in counseling. Things are basically just being repeated now in my discussions with the therapist however, one interesting thing did come out of last week's session. I finally put into words where this loss and grief has taken me: I've lost my joie de vivre...my enjoyment of life. 

Those words seem rather self-evident....thanks Captain Obvious...but I find them important. Throughout each day, there are so many continual thoughts going on in the heads of us grievers with our seemingly futile attempts to process and understand why this loss that I always feel, for myself, relieved when something (or someone) manages to put some of those thoughts into an actual statement. It helps clear up some of the mess and compartmentalize some of those thoughts. Stating that I've lost my joie de vivre says so much. Saying it makes me sad but it sizes up the situation at this point. The larger question now is can it or will it ever return? Maybe some of it??

[KayC]

Oh, I get it!  I never have had my enjoyment to the level George and I did but I've learned not to compare what is to what was as it's a real joy-killer.  Instead I look for some good (or joy) in each day, no matter how small and have learned to appreciate it for what it is. 

[RichS]

On 5/15/2023 at 12:45 PM, DWS said:

Stating that I've lost my joie de vivre says so much. Saying it makes me sad but it sizes up the situation at this point. The larger question now is can it or will it ever return? Maybe some of it??

And that is the same question I ask myself. Since none of us can predict the future, I'll continue to live and grieve one day at a time.

[foreverhis]

On 5/15/2023 at 9:45 AM, DWS said:

I've lost my joie de vivre...my enjoyment of life.

Of course you have because the one person who made your life truly joyful has been taken from you.  It's okay to state the obvious; we need to say and acknowledge these things, even when we know others feel the same.

Here's the thing for me.  I came to realize that I never would, never could feel the same joy as when John was with me.  After a year or so, I started to pay attention when others suggested looking for small joys, little bits of light and hope, and try to reach for them.  It took yet more time, more than another year, for me to see that even though my "big joy" was gone, I could find little joys and accept them for what they were/are.  After even more time, I guess in my third or early fourth year, I was able to string more little pieces of light into a kind of happiness and an ability to find a path forward without my one essential love.  Never, never will I be happy in the way I was until we are reunited, but I stopped feeling like I had to search for that now without him.  I stopped feeling guilty every time I smiled or even laughed; I started seeing that there were still good things in life for me.

IMO (and mine only), it's not a good idea to try to find or expect to recapture joie de vivre (our daughter was a French major, so I love that you used that) as we knew it.  But it is a good idea to try to find small bits of it, different though it must be.  If I feel happy for a few hours and am glad to still be alive, I'm content with that.  I don't wake up feeling that overall zest for life.  Instead, I accept those moments or hours or even days when I find it.  Maybe it's 5 minutes of watching the hummingbirds, bees, and butterflies in the garden; maybe it will be playing with my young rescue Bengal cat, Cosi, and laughing at her antics, which are inevitably followed by her "kneading" on her bed or blanket before reaching out to hold my arm and cuddle while quietly purring; maybe it will be like this past weekend when my sister and BIL came to visit and seeing how very much they still love (and like) each other after many years of marriage.  Even though today is hard for me, knowing they still have what John and I had, I was able to revel in our time together and our time spent with friends (a few hours each of the 3 days they were here).  When I first lost John, I did not believe that would ever be possible.

 

[Roxeanne]

On 5/17/2023 at 4:26 AM, foreverhis said:

 I came to realize that I never would, never could feel the same joy as when John was with me. 

Yes it's the sad truth! So hard to find that joy again without them...

But even if i am convinced now that life is like this, and i have to accept it...i have a costant reminder and regret for that joy...and so this feeling ruins my ability to appreciate the little moments of joy i have now!

There is always that voice inside me: 'si ma ti ricordi ? Yes but you remember?

Then restlessness again...

 

 

 

I

[DWS]

I guess I got a shot of that old joie de vivre again baking some large cookies for Tom's daughter's birthday. She and I have gotten closer over this past year since her Dad passed away. She lives over three hours away with her husband and two young sons so I baked and boxed up some chocolate chip cookies and shipped them off to her. I got a bit creative and hoping that her boys will get a kick out of them. She should get them today. 

 

[KayC]

Oh, that is so sweet!  And I love the faces on them!

[ThereIsAField]

They're cool! ☺️

[DWS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Oh, that is so sweet!  And I love the faces on them!

Mini Reece's Pieces and M&Ms. Chocolate almonds for the big noses.

[widower2]

On 5/15/2023 at 12:45 PM, DWS said:

Stating that I've lost my joie de vivre says so much. Saying it makes me sad but it sizes up the situation at this point. The larger question now is can it or will it ever return? Maybe some of it??

My response is an emphatic YES. Easier said than done of course, and it won't be the same, but it's not an all-or-nothing deal, as folks above have pointed out.

Reeces Pieces, M&Ms, and cookies in general may be a good starting point.  In those early days I lost a LOT of weight because I didn't feel like eating at all, but gradually over time I re-discovered the simple joy of good food. In fact, I've never been one much to go out to eat, but lately have been doing that more though a social (meetup.com) group I'm in. What the hell, why not? 

[KayC]

Part of our self-care is realizing it's important to be kind to ourselves, with food, with activities, everything. 

[RichS]

I need to be less kind to myself in the food department. When I was younger and upset, I cut down on eating. Now, it's just the opposite. What happened??

[KayC]

I would say grief happened, and you are perhaps trying to eat to fill a void, something I did for years.  I just didn't care and I tried different diets and ultimately they didn't help until I discovered the science of Keto and intermittent fasting.  I'm not here to promote that, just saying it works for me as it cuts cravings and gives me energy.  I do hope you find what works for you so you can be healthy for yourself and for your family.  We want you here a long time, perhaps selfishly. You're a good man.