When grief disrupts sense of identity and purpose

[ThereIsAField]

Hi,

It's been a while since I posted here. I'm still grieving. It's still hard. It's different now to how it was 2 or 3 or 4 years ago... It's not as raw... but it's still hard. I feel numb a lot of the time now - which feels better than feeling such raw pain, but numb is also not good - it's the opposite of feeling alive.

Today, someone introduced me to the concept of significant loss leading to a disruption of a sense of identity and purpose. I guess maybe I sort of knew about that somewhere at the back of my head, but I've not given it much thought. Which is weird because it's 100% how I've been feeling ever since this loss and grief started. But everyone's been telling me that I "shouldn't" be feeling such a profound loss of sense of identity and purpose and so I've gone along with that and told myself that I shouldn't be feeling this and trying to make myself stop it.

Having someone tell me today that loss of a sense of identity and purpose can be a common effect of major loss... has been so validating and liberating. I feel like I can not allow it to be what it is.

I still have no idea how on earth to rebuild a new sense of identity and purpose...

But that doesn't seem so important right now... What matters now is that I can allow that loss of identity and purpose to BE what it is. Just allow it and accept it and breathe with it. It is what it is.

Have any of you struggled with this issue too? Have any of you begun making inroads on it and started to rebuild a sense of identiy and purpose?

[DWS]

I don't know if synchronicity just occurred but I just started a thread on the "loss of joie de vivre" which seems very similar to losing one's sense  of identity and purpose!

I do like the notion of letting things be as they are. I abide by the interesting skill of living within the tension...something I learned from reading Thomas Moore's incredibly important book "Care Of The Soul".  I think it's still a bit too early for me to contribute to the topic of rebuilding a sense of purpose but I look forward to reading of others. 

[LMR]

I am into my 3rd year and still completely rudderless. How else could it possibly be having spent 47 years with my soul mate. I love him with every ounce of my being.

The days just pass me by. I stare out of the window or at the tv. I have absolutely zero motivation. I don't even want to see anybody although I have committed to a couple of meetings in the next month. More because I feel guilty about avoiding them than because I feel like going. A friend said to "get out there and do something", but I dont want to be "out there". I don't feel at all like the old me and I have no idea how to fix that. I'm just going through the motions. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

everyone's been telling me that I "shouldn't" be feeling such a profound loss of sense of identity and purpose

What??!!  Tell "everyone" they're off base about it.  I 100% back you and you are very astute in what you sense because it was totally my experience after losing my husband 18 years ago Father's Day.

We recreate who our identity is in time but it's a profound sense of loss for the initial period after loss...a period that lasted for me for about five years.  It took me about ten years to identify my sense of purpose, not saying it'll take you this long, maybe I'm slower than some, but I've figured out it takes what it takes and nothing wrong with that.

[Laura Vence]

My mother died over two months ago now, and it has been 18 months since my husband passed. I have been feeling that loss of identity you speak about quite dramatically, and the apathy, not wanting to really do anything I used to love to do, having no ambition. I don’t remember ever feeling so out of juice . I enjoy sleeping, but I don’t want to get up. The old identities I had before just don’t seem to fit anymore. Thank you for your post. It is validating some thing of what I am going through.

[ThereIsAField]

I've been thinking about this issue all day and I'm determined to make changes and to reclaim my sense of identity and purpose. It's been 7 years since my partner passed away and I'm still stuck in grief that so overshadows my entire life, that it fits the bill for "Complicated Grief" or "Prolonged Grief" or whatever the name is. I'm certain that my grief is no longer healthy, appropriate grief but has crossed the line and become a "grief disorder". It was hard to tell early on, in the initial stages of grief, but now, 7 years on, I'm sure that I've gotten "stuck" in the grieving process.

"During the first few months after a loss, many signs and symptoms of normal grief are the same as those of complicated grief. However, while normal grief symptoms gradually start to fade over time, those of complicated grief linger or get worse. Complicated grief is like being in an ongoing, heightened state of mourning that keeps you from healing.

Signs and symptoms of complicated grief may include:

• Intense sorrow, pain and rumination over the loss of your loved one
• Focus on little else but your loved one's death
• Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one or excessive avoidance of reminders
• Intense and persistent longing or pining for the deceased
• Problems accepting the death
• Numbness or detachment
• Bitterness about your loss
• Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose
• Lack of trust in others
• Inability to enjoy life or think back on positive experiences with your loved one

Complicated grief also may be indicated if you continue to:

• Have trouble carrying out normal routines
• Isolate from others and withdraw from social activities
• Experience depression, deep sadness, guilt or self-blame
• Believe that you did something wrong or could have prevented the death
• Feel life isn't worth living without your loved one
• Wish you had died along with your loved one"

Source: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374

[ThereIsAField]

Right... I need to tackle this head on... I've just signed up for the "Headspace" App again (let my membership lapse a while back). It's a really good meditation app with guided meditations... They've got a 30 part meditation course on grieving. https://my.headspace.com/modes/meditate/content/166 I just started the first part and it starts off with "be aware of your surroundings, be aware of where you are" and wham... tears started flowing straight away because I realised that I've been doing the opposite of that for the past 7 years... I've stopped wanting to "be here", stopped wanting to "be alive" and "be present". It's like my brain refuses to live in a world in which my partner no longer exists... Like my brain is just saying "no" to that option, over and over... "No, no, no, no... no... no..." Just a constant refusal to live in the world that does not contain him anymore cos that doesn't feel like "my kind of world"...

[RichS]

On 5/15/2023 at 12:39 PM, ThereIsAField said:

But that doesn't seem so important right now... What matters now is that I can allow that loss of identity and purpose to BE what it is. Just allow it and accept it and breathe with it. It is what it is.

I think the quote I posted kind of sums up my feelings right now. I'm adjusting to life without Chris; which is a daily challenge in itself. Up to now, taking it one day at a time seems to work best for me. It makes me feel less overwhelmed. Being a care taker is my purpose right now. What the future holds for my purpose and identity is in God's hands. 

[ThereIsAField]

Huh... I've just realised something... You know how everyone here knows that only another griever can understand what it's like to grieve?

I just realised that for the past 7 years, I've been shutting out everyone from my life who isn't also grieving.

I didn't realise I was doing it - it wasn't a conscious decision. I was just a subtle distancing from everyone who doesn't get it, because it's like we live on different planets now... we're no longer compatible.

How strange that I wasn't even aware of it.

It's like my subconscious decided that only people who know what grieving is, are part of my tribe now. Everyone else is in the category "You will understand it one day, when it happens to you. But until then, please stop taking up space in my life because I no longer have any time for your grief-free concerns."

I think I need to embrace this fully - that all grievers are part of my tribe now, and that everyone else, well... simply isn't.

I think I'm going to sign up for a local grief group.

[KayC]

My neighbor/friend, Iris lost her husband Feb. 4, I think she gravitates towards me as someone who gets it.  No matter how many years out it is, we never forget...

[KayC]

None of us are.

[Jemiga70]

On 5/16/2023 at 10:48 AM, ThereIsAField said:

Signs and symptoms of complicated grief may include:

I still have many of these signs and symptoms.  I'm 2 yrs out.

For example the first one: "Intense sorrow, pain, and rumination over the loss of your loved one."  And #4 "Intense and persistent longing or pining for the deceased" and #8: "Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose."

So - I should be free of those symptoms by now or else I have complicated grief?

Grief can't be this neat and orderly. . . can it?

[ThereIsAField]

On 5/18/2023 at 4:55 AM, Jemiga70 said:

I still have many of these signs and symptoms.  I'm 2 yrs out.

For example the first one: "Intense sorrow, pain, and rumination over the loss of your loved one."  And #4 "Intense and persistent longing or pining for the deceased" and #8: "Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose."

So - I should be free of those symptoms by now or else I have complicated grief?

Grief can't be this neat and orderly. . . can it?

Obviously, I'm no expert in this either, so I'm guessing too... I would say that 2 years is too early to tell. From there you could either heal well or get stuck in your grief.

I think for me, 7 years in my case is definitely too long... which means it's prolonged/ complicated grief, which means I need to address it and make sure I get un-stuck.

[KayC]

Wish you well with it...have you tried a counselor?  It all depends upon the counselor and how well they click with you...or not.

Complicated Grief (now known as Prolonged Grief Disorder or PGD
Complicated Grief?

[ThereIsAField]

Hi Kay, yes I tried therapy and it helped a bit... But it wasn't with a counselor specialised in grief. I feel like the therapist only "got" grief up to a point... I live very rurally, so it's hard to find someone specialised around here, but I may have to do some more searching.

On 5/15/2023 at 6:39 PM, ThereIsAField said:

someone introduced me to the concept of significant loss leading to a disruption of a sense of identity and purpose.

When my partner first passed away, I lost the will to live, for the first time in my life. It scared the living daylights out of me. I'd gone through losses before and thought I knew what grieving was... but until it really hits you and tears you apart, you don't really have a clue, do you?

Anyway, in those early days, I clung to my routine, as much as possible. I became quite a workaholic for a few years - I had a job that I really liked (I was teaching young adults) and it was a job that you could always do "more" with... Always tweaking and improving the course content, reasearching yet another article, thinking of a better way of explaining something, creating new worksheets for the students, etc etc... It kept me very, very busy. I had a long commute to work at that time (1.5 hours each way) so I'd spend the drive each way sobbing my eyes out about the loss of my partner and spent the rest of the time working. I'm not sure that was the ideal way to grieve, but hey, when things are that bad, you're just grateful to make it through each day without it being an unmitigated disaster. That phase lasted about 4 years.

When the pandemic started, I lost that job and fell into a reeeeeally deep, dark hole. The grief caught up with me fully, now that I had no distractions and that got mixed up with job loss, financial worries, all the negative effects of the pandemic, some health issues. Then, my best friend also passed away during the first year of the pandemic. It was a really rough time. 

Throughout all this, I've been clinging to my "old life" like a drowning person clings to a bit of drift wood. For some reason, my grieving brain thought that I was supposed to "continue" with this old life (which had previously just been MY life) as well as I could.

I'm starting to think that (in my case) that may have been okay as an initial survival tactic - just cling to everything as well as I can to stay afloat - what I actually NEED to do is to fully let go of that "old" life and to start over pretty much from scratch. It feels like my old life and a part of me died with my partner. That seems surreal to me - from a logical point of view, it doesn't make any sense to me. But on an emotional level, it seems to be true. Somehow this grief has fundamentally changed who I am so I no longer "fit" into my old life, like I used to.

I have to say that while the first 5 years or so were just awful for me and it was all dark storm clouds and absolutely no silver lining at all... Now, 7 years in, I am starting to see some positive aspects. Grief has changed me as human being and, incredibly, it's made me a better person in many ways. I've become more compassionate, more patient, more understanding. This grief is the first thing in life that has truly broken me. All the difficult things before that - I found ways to overcome them and I guess that made me strong and independent and proud. Having grief break me taught me a lot about feeling weak and needy and useless for the first time and about humility. I'm in my mid 40s now and this grieving process began when I was just shy of 40 so it's been a real watershed moment for me... Everything in my life is either "before" or "after" this loss. The "before" years were about the values of the young... achieving your goals, being successful at work, adventures, growing as a person, meeting new people, discovering the world, having fun, testing your limits... Now, in the "after" years, all of those things seem so irrelevant... I understand that they were part of being young and that's fine, they had their justification back then. But now, after loss and grieving has catapulted me into a whole new world that I never even knew existed... I just feel zero connection to my old life anymore...

It still scares me a bit, to let go of ALL those things too... To think that I not only lost my partner, but almost everything about my life too, is very hard for my brain to compute. It feels dangerous to me, to let go of (to lose) even more things. And yet, I think I have to, because in reality, it already happened inside. I'm merely clinging on to these things on the outside, inside, they already left a long time ago. It's unhealthy for me to be living with all these ghosts around me.

In some ways, it seems a little bit exciting to "start afresh" now... But mostly it's just daunting and I don't know if I can do it - don't know if I have the strength and courage, don't know how to make ends meet financially, don't have the faith that I can fill this big gaping hole with new things that feel right, fitting, appropriate, authentic.

[DWS]

41 minutes ago, ThereIsAField said:

It still scares me a bit, to let go of ALL those things too... To think that I not only lost my partner, but almost everything about my life too, is very hard for my brain to compute. It feels dangerous to me, to let go of (to lose) even more things. And yet, I think I have to, because in reality, it already happened inside. I'm merely clinging on to these things on the outside, inside, they already left a long time ago. It's unhealthy for me to be living with all these ghosts around me.

I am so sorry that this loss happened to you at such a crucial stage of your life. I discovered the forties to be one of the most difficult times to traverse...and yet, important and life-changing too (if you let it)...but to manage that while dealing with grief would be so much more challenging, There is a book that I strongly recommend. I call it my bible..."Finding Meaning In The Second Half Of Life" by James Hollis. His first book was "The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Mid-Life" and was recommended to me when I went to see a family counsellor some twenty years ago or so. That got me started on studying and being more aware of the intriguing topic of mid-life.

[KayC]

57 minutes ago, ThereIsAField said:

Grief has changed me as human being and, incredibly, it's made me a better person in many ways.

I feel the same, definitely!

2 minutes ago, DWS said:

Finding Meaning In The Second Half Of Life

https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/finding-meaning-in-the-second-half-of-life-how-to-finally-really-grow-up_james-hollis/252493/item/3892701/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=pmax_high_vol_frontlist_under_%2410&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=&gclid=CjwKCAjwgqejBhBAEiwAuWHioE930Rh2HgLMSHAOU0li6X4n0gbEhR26Hw6UEV2VAv5K5qztUNSrLRoCEcUQAvD_BwE#idiq=3892701&edition=4444169

 

[RichS]

1 hour ago, ThereIsAField said:

To think that I not only lost my partner, but almost everything about my life too, is very hard for my brain to compute.

And this thought is with me everyday since Chris passed away. Thankfully, I don't live alone and I do have family and friends. That helps fill some of the void.

[ThereIsAField]

22 minutes ago, DWS said:

"Finding Meaning In The Second Half Of Life" by James Hollis.

Thank you for the tip! I just found the audiobook version of it, it's called "Through a Dark Wood - Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life".  I'm a better listener than reader these days...

[DWS]

15 minutes ago, ThereIsAField said:

Thank you for the tip! I just found the audiobook version of it, it's called "Through a Dark Wood - Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life".  I'm a better listener than reader these days...

Hopefully you are able to get something out of it. I just opened my book copy and read this in the chapter "Career vs Vocation"...

"While all of us have to find a way to support our material existence, our work also carries a larger invisible burden, the presumption that it will provide our lives with meaning and energize our spirits. Sometimes it does. By midlife, however, many find that their work drains rather than energizes them. They suffer vague discomfort, find themselves bored, wistful, longing for something else."

That was a wall I hit in my mid-forties and after some scrapes and stumbles, I ended up starting my small business and going it alone. My partner Tom had done the same thing when he was around that age. This was one of the key things that bonded us when we met years later. We both added the security and confirmation that we made the right decisions in our lives even though, in my case anyway, that it wasn't the best thing economically. Now that he's gone, I've not only lost my loving partner and buddy in life but my best business peer as well. 

[Jemiga70]

On 5/21/2023 at 9:02 AM, ThereIsAField said:

I'm starting to think that (in my case) that may have been okay as an initial survival tactic - just cling to everything as well as I can to stay afloat - what I actually NEED to do is to fully let go of that "old" life and to start over pretty much from scratch. It feels like my old life and a part of me died with my partner.

 

On 5/21/2023 at 9:02 AM, ThereIsAField said:

In some ways, it seems a little bit exciting to "start afresh" now... But mostly it's just daunting and I don't know if I can do it - don't know if I have the strength and courage, don't know how to make ends meet financially, don't have the faith that I can fill this big gaping hole with new things that feel right, fitting, appropriate, authentic.

Wow. Thank you so much for your post. You've pretty much summed up how I've lived the past 2 yrs and how I've been feeling lately.  My main job just went on indefinite hiatus  😂.  Have to laugh to prevent myself from crying (more).

We get kicked forward whether we like it or not.

[Griefsucks810]

On 5/15/2023 at 12:39 PM, ThereIsAField said:

Hi,

It's been a while since I posted here. I'm still grieving. It's still hard. It's different now to how it was 2 or 3 or 4 years ago... It's not as raw... but it's still hard. I feel numb a lot of the time now - which feels better than feeling such raw pain, but numb is also not good - it's the opposite of feeling alive.

Today, someone introduced me to the concept of significant loss leading to a disruption of a sense of identity and purpose. I guess maybe I sort of knew about that somewhere at the back of my head, but I've not given it much thought. Which is weird because it's 100% how I've been feeling ever since this loss and grief started. But everyone's been telling me that I "shouldn't" be feeling such a profound loss of sense of identity and purpose and so I've gone along with that and told myself that I shouldn't be feeling this and trying to make myself stop it.

Having someone tell me today that loss of a sense of identity and purpose can be a common effect of major loss... has been so validating and liberating. I feel like I can not allow it to be what it is.

I still have no idea how on earth to rebuild a new sense of identity and purpose...

But that doesn't seem so important right now... What matters now is that I can allow that loss of identity and purpose to BE what it is. Just allow it and accept it and breathe with it. It is what it is.

Have any of you struggled with this issue too? Have any of you begun making inroads on it and started to rebuild a sense of identiy and purpose?

I’m still struggling to learn how to rebuild a sense of identity and purpose.  I know that I’m a widow and have yet to find “the new me.”   
I still haven’t stumbled upon what my life purpose is either.  How and when does someone discover what their life purpose is?  I’m tired of waiting for these 2 life events to happen because 4 years have gone by and still no big life change yet. 

On 5/24/2023 at 1:29 AM, Jemiga70 said:

 

Wow. Thank you so much for your post. You've pretty much summed up how I've lived the past 2 yrs and how I've been feeling lately.  My main job just went on indefinite hiatus  😂.  Have to laugh to prevent myself from crying (more).

We get kicked forward whether we like it or not.

I agree with you that we get kicked forward whether we like it or not.  

[Griefsucks810]

On 5/21/2023 at 12:19 PM, RichS said:

And this thought is with me everyday since Chris passed away. Thankfully, I don't live alone and I do have family and friends. That helps fill some of the void.

I too am thankful that I don’t live alone cuz my daughter and her dog reside with me and my cat.  

[Griefsucks810]

On 5/21/2023 at 11:02 AM, ThereIsAField said:

Hi Kay, yes I tried therapy and it helped a bit... But it wasn't with a counselor specialised in grief. I feel like the therapist only "got" grief up to a point... I live very rurally, so it's hard to find someone specialised around here, but I may have to do some more searching.

When my partner first passed away, I lost the will to live, for the first time in my life. It scared the living daylights out of me. I'd gone through losses before and thought I knew what grieving was... but until it really hits you and tears you apart, you don't really have a clue, do you?

Anyway, in those early days, I clung to my routine, as much as possible. I became quite a workaholic for a few years - I had a job that I really liked (I was teaching young adults) and it was a job that you could always do "more" with... Always tweaking and improving the course content, reasearching yet another article, thinking of a better way of explaining something, creating new worksheets for the students, etc etc... It kept me very, very busy. I had a long commute to work at that time (1.5 hours each way) so I'd spend the drive each way sobbing my eyes out about the loss of my partner and spent the rest of the time working. I'm not sure that was the ideal way to grieve, but hey, when things are that bad, you're just grateful to make it through each day without it being an unmitigated disaster. That phase lasted about 4 years.

When the pandemic started, I lost that job and fell into a reeeeeally deep, dark hole. The grief caught up with me fully, now that I had no distractions and that got mixed up with job loss, financial worries, all the negative effects of the pandemic, some health issues. Then, my best friend also passed away during the first year of the pandemic. It was a really rough time. 

Throughout all this, I've been clinging to my "old life" like a drowning person clings to a bit of drift wood. For some reason, my grieving brain thought that I was supposed to "continue" with this old life (which had previously just been MY life) as well as I could.

I'm starting to think that (in my case) that may have been okay as an initial survival tactic - just cling to everything as well as I can to stay afloat - what I actually NEED to do is to fully let go of that "old" life and to start over pretty much from scratch. It feels like my old life and a part of me died with my partner. That seems surreal to me - from a logical point of view, it doesn't make any sense to me. But on an emotional level, it seems to be true. Somehow this grief has fundamentally changed who I am so I no longer "fit" into my old life, like I used to.

I have to say that while the first 5 years or so were just awful for me and it was all dark storm clouds and absolutely no silver lining at all... Now, 7 years in, I am starting to see some positive aspects. Grief has changed me as human being and, incredibly, it's made me a better person in many ways. I've become more compassionate, more patient, more understanding. This grief is the first thing in life that has truly broken me. All the difficult things before that - I found ways to overcome them and I guess that made me strong and independent and proud. Having grief break me taught me a lot about feeling weak and needy and useless for the first time and about humility. I'm in my mid 40s now and this grieving process began when I was just shy of 40 so it's been a real watershed moment for me... Everything in my life is either "before" or "after" this loss. The "before" years were about the values of the young... achieving your goals, being successful at work, adventures, growing as a person, meeting new people, discovering the world, having fun, testing your limits... Now, in the "after" years, all of those things seem so irrelevant... I understand that they were part of being young and that's fine, they had their justification back then. But now, after loss and grieving has catapulted me into a whole new world that I never even knew existed... I just feel zero connection to my old life anymore...

It still scares me a bit, to let go of ALL those things too... To think that I not only lost my partner, but almost everything about my life too, is very hard for my brain to compute. It feels dangerous to me, to let go of (to lose) even more things. And yet, I think I have to, because in reality, it already happened inside. I'm merely clinging on to these things on the outside, inside, they already left a long time ago. It's unhealthy for me to be living with all these ghosts around me.

In some ways, it seems a little bit exciting to "start afresh" now... But mostly it's just daunting and I don't know if I can do it - don't know if I have the strength and courage, don't know how to make ends meet financially, don't have the faith that I can fill this big gaping hole with new things that feel right, fitting, appropriate, authentic.

You can only stay busy for so long until grief finally catches up to you when you least expect it and that’s when you must deal with your grief head on.  Grief is an ugly monster which appears out of nowhere and inflicts a severe emotional and mental roller coaster of feelings upon a grieving man/woman until it’s ready to dissipate. The life how we knew it while we were with our spouses no longer exists; and, the old you and your way of life died with your husband.  This is a life event which must be fully accepted by all widows/widowers  so they can move forward with their new lives.
I remain uncertain as to what or who can fill that emptiness i still have in my heart. It’s gonna take something big and/or a very special and unique someone to fill that emptiness I still have in my heart. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Griefsucks810]

On 5/20/2023 at 1:54 PM, ThereIsAField said:

Obviously, I'm no expert in this either, so I'm guessing too... I would say that 2 years is too early to tell. From there you could either heal well or get stuck in your grief.

I think for me, 7 years in my case is definitely too long... which means it's prolonged/ complicated grief, which means I need to address it and make sure I get un-stuck.

I’m 4 years 5 months out and remain stuck in my grief to a certain degree. It is said that a lack of motivation, depression and anxiety are signs of prolonged grief (which is my case here)  if 3 these things are still affecting your everyday life after 2-3 years.  I have to learn how to effectively manage my depression and anxiety cuz they both have been affecting my everyday life for the worst for 4 years too long. Once I can tackle these 3 areas of my life, I will be able to live a normal and active way of life each and every day. 

[Mr Boop]

My Wife passed away just three days ago... January 29 2024. So this is all very new and raw. She had been bravely fighting stage 4 lung cancer for 14 months. So I have been dealing with this for sometime... someone was trying to "cheer me up" and I said "there is no point to me anymore". 27 wonderful years together... never an argument... deeply in love. And I know what people will say (because I would say the same thing) you have to take care of yourself (she would want that), you have to move forward... eventually you will come to terms with it. I feel empty inside... and there is much more to tell that I will put in a later post. Very very sorry for your loss.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Three days out is very early, I'm sure you will have every spectre of emotions...just remember emotions aren't facts, th

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

ey are to be gotten through but not taken as factual.

Welcome to this forum.  I hope you will read and post in loss of spouse section, it'll help you know that there are others that understand and care.  Family cares but doesn't always get it. 

 

[RichS]

Mr. Boop:  Welcome to our board. All of us here know exactly what you're going through right now. Please continue to post on this board. Lots of caring people who will sympathize with you and offer coping suggestions based on our experience, You've come to a good place for the way you're feeling right now.

[widower2]

1 hour ago, Mr Boop said:

My Wife passed away just three days ago... January 29 2024. So this is all very new and raw. She had been bravely fighting stage 4 lung cancer for 14 months. So I have been dealing with this for sometime... someone was trying to "cheer me up" and I said "there is no point to me anymore". 27 wonderful years together... never an argument... deeply in love. And I know what people will say (because I would say the same thing) you have to take care of yourself (she would want that), you have to move forward... eventually you will come to terms with it. I feel empty inside... and there is much more to tell that I will put in a later post. Very very sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for yours. It's a cliche but true, just try to take a day at a time. That's enough! I won't say it ever gets easy, but it does get easiER. That searing anguish won't last, believe it or not; it can't. 

[Mr Boop]

Thanks for the advice.... Worst week of my life. But you are right about day to day 

[KayC]

Of course it was, mine was too.  I am so sorry anyone has to go through this.

[HisMunchkin]

7 hours ago, Mr Boop said:

My Wife passed away just three days ago... January 29 2024. So this is all very new and raw. She had been bravely fighting stage 4 lung cancer for 14 months. So I have been dealing with this for sometime... someone was trying to "cheer me up" and I said "there is no point to me anymore". 27 wonderful years together... never an argument... deeply in love. And I know what people will say (because I would say the same thing) you have to take care of yourself (she would want that), you have to move forward... eventually you will come to terms with it. I feel empty inside... and there is much more to tell that I will put in a later post. Very very sorry for your loss.

Oh gosh, I am so sorry for your loss.  After just 3 days, yes, it will be very new and very raw.  My husband also had cancer and passed away less than two years after diagnosis.  For me, the day of was the absolute worst!  Anyway, I am so sorry.  But welcome to the board!  Hope you'll stick around.  You are not alone!

[Griefsucks810]

10 hours ago, Mr Boop said:

My Wife passed away just three days ago... January 29 2024. So this is all very new and raw. She had been bravely fighting stage 4 lung cancer for 14 months. So I have been dealing with this for sometime... someone was trying to "cheer me up" and I said "there is no point to me anymore". 27 wonderful years together... never an argument... deeply in love. And I know what people will say (because I would say the same thing) you have to take care of yourself (she would want that), you have to move forward... eventually you will come to terms with it. I feel empty inside... and there is much more to tell that I will put in a later post. Very very sorry for your loss.

Sorry for the loss of your wife. You have 27 years of memories and the love you shared together to cherish in your heart forever. You will find very kind, caring, compassionate, and understanding people on this board.  The people on this board provide support to each other and share their stories as to what led him/her here.  Please take care of yourself by eating regular meals, resting as much as possible, and drink plenty of water to stay hydrated. There is no time limit as to when you should move forward and when you should stop grieving.  Just take things day by day for now.  Over time you will come to fully accept your wife’s death as it happened which will help you to able to move forward. Keep posting on here and reply to posts that you find of interest. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Mr Boop,

So sorry for the loss of your wife.  Can’t offer much more than the excellent advice already put forward.  One day at a time.  Get up and get dressed, then figure out the rest.  Breathe.  

[RichS]

11 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

Please take care of yourself by eating regular meals, resting as much as possible, and drink plenty of water to stay hydrated. There is no time limit as to when you should move forward and when you should stop grieving.  Just take things day by day for now.  Over time you will come to fully accept your wife’s death as it happened which will help you to able to move forward.

I need to write these few sentences on some post it notes and stick them on my bathroom mirror as a reminder every day........................

[Boggled]

On 5/16/2023 at 11:48 AM, ThereIsAField said:

but now, 7 years on, I'm sure that I've gotten "stuck" in the grieving process.

man, I didn't realize it's been (now more!) 7 years for you, ThereIsAField.  

On 5/21/2023 at 10:02 AM, ThereIsAField said:

When the pandemic started, I lost that job and fell into a reeeeeally deep, dark hole. The grief caught up with me fully, now that I had no distractions and that got mixed up with job loss, financial worries, all the negative effects of the pandemic, some health issues.

I wonder too if my grief is exacerbated by "the news" and "current events?"  

On 5/21/2023 at 10:02 AM, ThereIsAField said:

Now, 7 years in, I am starting to see some positive aspects. Grief has changed me as human being and, incredibly, it's made me a better person in many ways. I've become more compassionate, more patient, more understanding.

I have definitely recognized that there ARE some things that happen to people that are "intolerable."  and that cause big big problems!  if I recall correctly, I used to think "you have to get over it," ... but this idea that you don't/can't "get over" grief, you just grow around it, has changed me so I can recognize (I guess) that there are things that alter peoples' psyches(?)  ... hard to express.

On 5/16/2023 at 12:21 PM, ThereIsAField said:

Right... I need to tackle this head on... I've just signed up for the "Headspace" App again (let my membership lapse a while back). It's a really good meditation app with guided meditations... They've got a 30 part meditation course on grieving. https://my.headspace.com/modes/meditate/content/166 I just started the first part and it starts off with "be aware of your surroundings, be aware of where you are" and wham... tears started flowing straight away because I realised that I've been doing the opposite of that for the past 7 years... I've stopped wanting to "be here", stopped wanting to "be alive" and "be present". It's like my brain refuses to live in a world in which my partner no longer exists... Like my brain is just saying "no" to that option, over and over... "No, no, no, no... no... no..." Just a constant refusal to live in the world that does not contain him anymore cos that doesn't feel like "my kind of world"...

wow.  I can big-time relate to the "No, no, no, no... no... no..."    We have some very very stubborn inner child parts.  VERY stubborn.  as in "WILL NOT."  and I for one have been going very easy on my inner child, who is a part of "me" I had never even recognized before.  I've tried meditating which, when I do it, does seem to help, but it's hard for me to get into it now.  I did it maybe 6 months ago, more.   I noticed, because I used to meditate with an Edgar Cayce tape, back in my 30s (iirc), that from the state my mind was in 6 months or so ago, I was coming from a very different, deeper place than back in my 30s.

[HisMunchkin]

3 hours ago, Boggled said:

I wonder too if my grief is exacerbated by "the news" and "current events?"  

I actually try to avoid the news, except maybe, "Did the groundhog see his shadow or not?".  Too much stress in my immediate environment to tend to already.  

 

3 hours ago, Boggled said:

On 5/21/2023 at 11:02 AM, ThereIsAField said:

Now, 7 years in, I am starting to see some positive aspects. Grief has changed me as human being and, incredibly, it's made me a better person in many ways. I've become more compassionate, more patient, more understanding.

I have definitely recognized that there ARE some things that happen to people that are "intolerable."  and that cause big big problems!  if I recall correctly, I used to think "you have to get over it," ... but this idea that you don't/can't "get over" grief, you just grow around it, has changed me so I can recognize (I guess) that there are things that alter peoples' psyches(?)  ... hard to express.

Some things, you really have to experience for yourself to truly understand it, I suppose.  And then when you do, you learn a lot from it, and can then truly empathize with others going through something similar.  

 

3 hours ago, Boggled said:

  On 5/16/2023 at 1:21 PM, ThereIsAField said:

Right... I need to tackle this head on... I've just signed up for the "Headspace" App again

My husband got me a subscription to Headspace hoping that it will help me endure the rough times we went through during his cancer treatments.  He got it for me, even though he was the one who had cancer and was going through hell with all the treatments. 🥺   

[RichS]

27 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

"Did the groundhog see his shadow or not?".

The groundhog did not see his shadow....................so that means an early spring................or, at least 6 more weeks of college basketball. 

30 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Some things, you really have to experience for yourself to truly understand it, I suppose.  And then when you do, you learn a lot from it, and can then truly empathize with others going through something similar.

And that is when I realized that I had to tell everyone who had a recent loss that I now truly can feel their pain.

[KayC]

I too avoid the news, too depressing, but that's what catches people's eye so that's what sells.

I love that Phil predicted an early Spring, even if he is wrong 60% of the time...it gives us hope.  And there'd always the duck, armadillo and lobster that had different takes on it!