Can't find peace with loss because of regrets and unknowns

[justmee]

It will be a week tommarrow since this person passed. To me he was a coworker a mentor and a friend though we never talked outside of work or even work together regularly. I would occasional do training one on one with him and it was always my favorite. Everytime I was told to go train with him I was excited because he was a great mentor, great human being and I really enjoyed my time with him. 

I struggle in general to think anyone likes me, so for all I know I was just an annoying apprentice to him though he seemed to enjoy me there.

So I never told him I considered him a friend. A few times I wanted to ask if he wanted to grab a coffee or something but I figured he'd be creeped out and working together would become awkward. I didn't realize how much I loved him(not romantically but greatly) til after he passed. That being said I don't know if the thoughts just delusional. Certainly feel delusional wandering if he might've felt as close to me as I did to him. I wish I would've told him. Wish I would've hugged him atleast once. Wish I would've paid more attention and gotten to know him better. And for him, I hope there is an afterlife and he's in a place that makes him happy as anyone could possibly be. I hope he's not lonely anymore and I hope he knew how much so many loved him. He was an amazing person. Misunderstood by some as a big grouch but he had a heart of gold, rough on the outside, soft as down feathers inside. I'm going to miss his smile, didn't see it often enough and he often tried to hide it. It's silly, kind of funny, since he passed I've been seeing smiley faces everywhere, in wood patterns sort of thing for example, it's ridiculous but makes me feel better to pretend it's the universe telling me it's ok and he's happier now on the other side. 

I'm sorry this kind of turned into a vent more than a question. I guess the question are kind of am I crazy for these thoughts? Am I crazy because I can't stop thinking about it for even a moment? How do I make peace with my regret and his sudden passing? I want to feel like if angels are real he'd check in on me now and then but I feel selfish and like a creep for hoping for that. I just miss him, and someday I'll have to do what we were training for without him and I don't know if I can.

Thankyou for reading

[KayC]

10 hours ago, justmee said:

Am I crazy because I can't stop thinking about it for even a moment? How do I make peace with my regret and his sudden passing?

No you aren't crazy.  I lost a coworker (years ago) to suicide, it was extremely hard on all of us.  It was a family run business.  I am sorry for your loss.  

You can, I'm sure of it. My first job was supposed to be an apprenticeship (for a year) but the person decided last second to quit her job and be home with her husband, I think I'd had one week's training.  It was supposed to be her fulltime, me 3 hours a day, instead just me 3 hours/day.  In a way I felt it was the best thing that could have happened to me job wise as it set me up to be a self starter and figure things out.  I made it through and it all worked out.  This is harder because you are grieving, but I think you'll make it through this, even though it's hard.  

[Brazil Man]

Dear @justmeeI don't know how to help in a professional way. All I can do is share my grief with you and telling you that most of members here has guilt feelings and regrets. I myself have lots of regrets and guily feeling. Keep on touch and you will hear of more people with guilt feelings and regrets.

I will pray for you
Hugs
Moises