Mother's Day

[KayC]

For many of you Mother's Day is a hard day.  I was sure I posted this a few days ago but  cannot find it. Anyway, thinking of all of you on this day...

From What's Your Grief:

The Complexities of Motherhood & Continued Bonds

GENERAL / GENERAL : ELEANOR HALEY

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For further articles on these topics:

Grieving a Mother, Mother's Day, Continued Bonds

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I’ve been writing about my grief for my mother and how it has impacted my life as a mother since May of 2013, my first Mother’s Day here at WYG. Looking back at some of my earlier articles, it’s like reading an old diary. The people described on those pages still exist, but how we were is a distant memory in many ways. 

When my kids were young, everything seemed so precious and pure. Sure, there were tantrums and epic messes, but mostly I remember sweetness, closeness, and affection. And as I savored these little moments, I often thought of my mother and how nurturing and loving she was in my earliest memories of her. 

But ten years have gone by, and my kids are older now. Naturally, they’re becoming individuals and developing unique ideas about the world and who they want to be. There’s more distance, more shut doors, and I notice them tucking little things about themselves away from me. Though our love may be unconditional, their adoration is a little less unbridled. I’m now forever teetering on being cheesy, out-of-touch, or, lord forbid, embarrassing. 

I fret about the change, but then I try to put it into perspective — this is normal; this is okay. Things about our relationship are gone, but wonderful new things have emerged. And wasn’t I similarly distant, defiant, and honestly, a lot more trouble in my own teen years? I remember feeling a deep love for my mother that I couldn’t find a way to express. She always had to assume I loved and appreciated her, which I now look back on with heaps of regret.

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Complex and Evolving Continued Bonds

We often talk about how comforting it is to have a continued bond with our loved ones who have died. But as Queen Elizabeth said, “Grief is the price we pay for love.”**

**Though Queen Elizabeth II popularized these words, the original source quote comes from grief theorist, Colin Murray Parks who said:

“The pain of grief is just as much part of life as the joy of love: it is perhaps the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment.“

I think this quote applies to our ever-evolving continued bond as well. The price of continuing to love someone who’s died is that you’re reminded quite often just how tragic it is that they’re gone.

You also may find yourself stumbling over new questions and realizations that you can’t revisit with them. Though it’s worth it to keep loving the person, realistically, having a continued bond may look like oscillating between finding warmth in your connection and discovering new pain points and secondary losses.

I think about my mom a lot these days. Maybe even more so than in recent memory. As I struggle to navigate this new chapter as a mother, I begin to look at my mother and our relationship through a different lens. And I see that as my relationships with my daughters change, so does my bond with my mother. 

Sometimes I find pain.

For example, I’m suddenly asking myself new questions. Sometimes, I even wonder what my mom thought of me in my young-adult years. How did she feel when I shut her out? Or when I made choices she didn’t agree with? Did I hurt her feelings? Or did she dismiss my behavior as part and parcel of my stage of life? Though I know she always loved me, I don’t actually know if she like-liked me, which is a thought I only allow myself to consider for a few seconds before I self-combust.

And sometimes I find positive.

I’ve discovered more positive things in our expanding bond as well, though. As I navigate my changing relationship with my daughters, I think I better understand some of what my mother was going through as a parent to six children. I can finally fully appreciate her patience and unwavering care towards our teenage angst, even though I know that must have been hard at times. I wish I could tell her how much I appreciate her, but I can’t. So instead, I think of her during times of stress and worry and remind myself to give my children the grace and compassion she gave me. 

As I go through life, I learn that our continued bonds with people who have died straddle two parallel timelines. There’s the path you walk with them in the present, and there’s the path you revisit walking with them in the past. Though you may find beautiful treasures on both timelines, you may also discover new questions and things you wish were different. Your relationship with them was complex in life, and so it makes sense that it should remind multifaceted and dynamic in death.

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To my children, if you ever find this article. I have loved every stage of your life, and that’s why I mourn to see them pass, but at the same time, I treasure each new one that comes. Perhaps my mother’s death has made it so I’m always a little sad because it reminds me of how quickly this can all pass by, and if I had it my way, I’d be here to walk with you through life forever. I know, I know- awkward, cringe- but I had to say it.

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MAY 10, 2023

[RichS]

15 hours ago, KayC said:

“The pain of grief is just as much part of life as the joy of love: it is perhaps the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment.“

That quote by Colin Murray Parks hits the nail on the head. I remember a few months ago thinking the same thing, almost word for word.

[KayC]

Definitely, what I came to realize in my own grief.  I wouldn't change a thing even though it might spare the pain, for I would not want to have missed a thing with him, and all of the special memories I hold.  The memories that bring us pain in the beginning...they become a treasure to our hearts later on.

[RichS]

9 minutes ago, KayC said:

The memories that bring us pain in the beginning...they become a treasure to our hearts later on.

Once again, that reminds me of the quote, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Dial it back 45 years ago, I had felt the opposite.

[KayC]

45 years ago?

[RichS]

Yes, back in 1978, started dating Chris. We were married in 1980. Before that Rich thought he knew more than he actually did.............................

[RichS]

34 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Mother's Day completely wiped me out.

Right there with you, bro...........Today, I'm doing much better. What a difference a day makes!

[KayC]

These days are hard.

[RichS]

We're still going through our FIRSTS. In July we have Chris' birthday. Then in August it will be one year since she passed. Yes, it will be hard, but I'm sure we'll work through it somehow. Even thinking about it now makes me feel uncomfortable. Kay, you've been at this a long time. I'd appreciate any advice that you or anyone else on this board can give us. Thanking you all in advance...............

[KayC]

15 hours ago, RichS said:

I'd appreciate any advice

I have found it helps to have a plan in place...oftentimes it's the anticipation rather than the actual day that the toughest.  

 

13 hours ago, Gator M said:

 I know two people in my Bible Study group one 3 years in and one 4 years in...neither is fully healed...they may never be.

I seriously would not tell someone that as they may gear up not to...everyone is different and how we heal and deal with our grief is so unique I hate for one to set another up for the worst...there is, in fact, much we can do to help ourselves on this journey, so think positive.  Yes we are forever changed but that doesn't mean we can't learn to continue with our lives and implement positives into our journey.

[AJ4]

I don't know why Mother's Day was hard for me.  I still have my mom.  I called her, which was a nice time.   I have my kids here and they did nice things for me.  But all those "big days" are harder without my husband.   I'm going to be watching our youngest graduate from high school next week...

[KayC]

Congratulations on your youngest's graduation!  I remember that was kind off emotional for me, esp. as he went into the Air Force. It gave him some time to consider what he wanted to do but we were at war and I was so worried...he was not sent abroad though, they said they needed him here, keeping airplanes off the ground.

Wishing you the best with this, maybe Mother's Day culminated in a lot of feelings coming to roost.