I don’t want to be sad anymore

[MichiganDaniel]

I’m having a bit of a bad night tonight, so I’m back here to say something to someone so I’m not so afraid and alone.

It’s the weekend, and I’m facing another two days of trying to exist through the vast emptiness of hours. Of course I have my chores. Groceries. Laundry. Sitting. Crying. I’m afraid of how not me I am now. It’s not natural to be alone like this. I called my brother tonight. I called Melissa’s brother. How was your week? So that’s done. Now nothing but another fifty two hours or so before I can go back to work to be with people.
 

I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to be alone. I’m in a pit with dirty slick sides and I’m stuck down here alone with my thoughts and regrets. I know I have to “move on” and “keep going.” Cool. Sure. What does that actually look like? Because now it looks like me sitting in a cheap recliner until my back hurts watching increasingly irrelevant youtube videos from deep in the algorithm.

I know… you’re nobody ‘til somebody loves you. She loved me. Now I’m nobody again. Nobody and invisible. And hurting and crying and still lost. I don’t know my way out, so I keep faking it. Pretending that it can get better.

I was alone seventeen years before she saved me. We fell in love in a moment and it never stopped until eight weeks ago. Now I’m alone again and I don’t know what to do.

I want to be happy. She, even more than I could ever know, wants me to be happy. It’s just so lonely and crushing quiet. Another weekend. Another confession of agony with the other members of this unhappy club.

I will try to be happy. It may be fake. It may be short lived, but I need to find some way out of this stinking pit of bewilderment and pain.

I want all of you to be happy too. It’s springtime. I hope you have nice weather and can find peace in the sun and calm in the night. I’m happy that someone will hear me and understand.

[KayC]

45 minutes ago, DanielInMichigan said:

Now I’m nobody again. Nobody and invisible. And hurting and crying and still lost.

We have to give ourselves that pat on the back they used to give.  Know you are okay, you, just you, alone or with her.

[MichiganDaniel]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

We have to give ourselves that pat on the back they used to give.

Yeah. If she ever heard me say that I would be in a lot of trouble. No negative self talk was allowed. 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry. I wish I could say I have no idea what you're talking about but it all sounds so familiar. I would suggest trying to stay busy as much as possible in those non-work hours...even something as simple as yard work beats sitting down and just stewing about it (of course that's impossible to avoid, but I think attempts to minimize it are worthwhile). When I lost my beloved it was fall and despite really caring about it in the least, we had a huge yard with many huge trees and leaves were falling like you wouldn't believe, so I would go out and rake, just to do something. Also if you can get out with people (as much as you're inclined, maybe even sometimes if you really aren't) IMO that's worth the effort too. Family, friends, whatever. There's also this thing called meetup.com I would suggest checking out. Basically it gives local people a way to create and organize social groups of all kinds, based on interests or age or whatever. My area even has a Widow/Widowers group. Low to no cost and no pressure to do anything per se but could provide options. 

[KayC]

Good idea, @widower2!  I tend to forget about things like that because we don't have it here in the rural areas.

I manage to keep busy and have a routine, that helps.  I've never been bored.  Always something to do so long as my hands are up for the challenge.

[MichiganDaniel]

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

meetup.com

I need to try them again. If I can’t find something, I can start a group. I feel better this morning, sometimes I just hit that wall.

[KayC]

I'm glad you're feeling better!  Grief can really send our moods for a loop. 

[DWS]

12 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

I was alone seventeen years before she saved me. We fell in love in a moment and it never stopped until eight weeks ago. Now I’m alone again and I don’t know what to do.

Eight weeks is such a short time from when your loss first began even though it may seem like a lifetime. A part of you might not want you to be sad anymore....the heart vs the mind....but I think that's a fight you're likely not going to win for a while. 

Your situation sounds very much like mine. I was single for ten years before my partner Tom came along. The first two years of that were spent in absolute pain and agony from the breakup of a longtime relationship that I thought would last forever but I was doing alright during the next eight. I didn't spend it pining for someone new. I was actually enjoying the freedom of being on my own with the hope that meeting someone else would happen at some point. Being a homebody type, I was fine working on house projects on my own mixed with occasional times of going out with friends. Life was okay.

But then Tom and I met and I got the much needed experience of living life with someone who was more or less my equal....the one I think I had always hoped for....my buddy! Now with him taken from me, I'm in a continual fight of not wanting to go back to what I had before he came along. I know my friends who knew me as a single guy long before Tom entered my life just assume that I'll be fine because I've lived singly before. I think it's that that makes this loss so much more difficult....but I'm not fighting the sadness because I know full well what has been lost.  

[MichiganDaniel]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

I know my friends who knew me as a single guy long before Tom entered my life just assume that I'll be fine because I've lived singly before.

Single now is so different from single before. 

[DWS]

6 minutes ago, DanielInMichigan said:

Single now is so different from single before. 

Yep.

[RichS]

16 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

I want to be happy. She, even more than I could ever know, wants me to be happy. It’s just so lonely and crushing quiet. Another weekend. Another confession of agony with the other members of this unhappy club.

We're all here to support and comfort you as well as each other. In fact, we all need each other's support and sympathy when we reach our low points during the week (it varies for each of us). Why? Because unfortunately, many of us on this board have friends and/or relatives who simply can't relate to what we're going through; and some of the worst grieving for some of us happen on the weekends. Perfectly understandable. Luckily, there are members on this board that are always here on the weekends to chat with you and relate to your struggles. You can always take comfort in that. YOU ARE NOT TOTALLY ALONE.

As for filling in your time, are there any activities in your town that are advertised? It may not be something that you especially like, but at least it gets you out of the house. Next weekend there's a classic antique car show located in my downtown. I'm taking my son to it. It's not something I would go to myself, but he can't drive and he's entitled to some fun during his grieving as well.  Luckily the weather in Michigan is improving (???). Are there any parks nearby? Taking in nature can soothe the mind (at least it does for me). Maybe planning for some small weekend activity during the week can help take some pressure off before the weekend arrives. I'm just throwing some ideas at you. We're all people with different interests.  Aside from the our members are here for you and all of us, seven days a week.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

Single now is so different from single before. 

Oh how true!

 

[MichiganDaniel]

3 hours ago, RichS said:

our members are here for you and all of us, seven days a week.

Thank you Rich. What brought this on. Every anniversary since 2002, we found time to write a note to each other in a special notebook. We kept that tradition every year. This week I realized that we wouldn’t be able to do that anymore, but I could cherish what we had.

But I don’t know where it is. I’m sure it’s safe in the house in a special place. But I don’t know, and I can’t ask her. I looked a bit and it was hard. I didn’t find it. Then the walls kind of closed in and I grabbed my iPad and wrote to the group.

I am looking for some things to do, but some turned out to be once a month zoom calls. Others led to dead ends. I haven’t found anything on meetup yet.  I will keep trying to keep busy, but I hate that this is where I am now. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

[MichiganDaniel]

Ugh. Another weekend. It’s colder here today. But I found some people online and I’m meeting someone tomorrow at a park to chat and maybe go for a walk. Also a writer’s group tomorrow afternoon.

Here’s something I wrote yesterday and put on my Facebook page. 

—-

I realized tonight that I am in an emotional liminal space. A deserted mall. Dim backrooms with yellowing wallpaper in all directions. A series of abandoned office cubicles that have a sense of the familiar while being unanchored from reality, yet still holding an erzatz promise of purpose. I wander through the fading echoes as if I can still hear the words. Every mirror marred with spider cracks. No clipped. Crawling under the game with the wrong side of the graphics showing. They say it takes eight months to a year. Flickering fluorescent slanted shadows. I just keep walking. 

[KayC]

That's very profound, it's good to give voice to your feelings.  And to have an audience that listens.  It took me longer than that but it takes what it takes.  One day at a time...