My 4 month old angel

[Wakleesmom]

Honestly I'm angry, I'm heartbroken and there is no one to blame for this tragedy, my four month old daughter has never been sick, she's never had a heart problem and the most we've ever been to the pediatrician for was cradle cap. I loved my baby with all my heart because she was all I had, I sang to her every morning and every night we said night, night to her grandparents and slept cuddled up in bed. I'm not married and her biological father is no where to be found, the day I put her down was the first day of my online classes and she was very fussy. I gave her to my mom to put her down for an afternoon nap just like another day she calmed down and we thought she was asleep, but when my mom went back to check on her she was sooo blue I screamed, it was nothing but a blur all the way to the hospital but all I can remember so vividly is the doctor telling me she's on life support and she was brain dead. That day I lost alll touch from reality and there's nothing but nightmares that hunt me my baby's crying is all I hear in the middle of the night but my baby is not there, I miss her more then anything and everyday dosnt get better for me it get worse, I want to find peace and I want to believe she's in a better place but in my heart I am selfish and I know all I want is my baby back!

[Maddy6]

Brittany,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious angel. How tragic to experience losing her so unexpectedly. I lost my daughter when she was 22 years old, and that was 4 years ago.Please come back and talk to us some more. You may cry, rant, scream, or just talk. Whatever you need to do. We are here and we will listen. When you click on "loss of child," then click on "loss of Adult child." That is the thread everyone on the site connects on and there are parents who have lost children of varying ages, and all are accepted. Once on that thread, click "reply" at the top right. Sharing upon that thread you will find a multitude of others who will listen and offer words of comfort.

LOVE,

MADDY

[Wakleesmom]

I'll just write here no matter if any one replies or not I feel like this is soothing something in my heart, so for the past few weeks I've been finding toys and bows around the house some times they make me cry when I find them and sometimes I find my self angry. I still refuse counseling I feel like it's a way to tag me as a crazed individual, my friends and family have been trying there best to help and I grateful but when the first thing out of there mouth or the fist text message is have you seeked help I question there motives. I have a new job and I love it now that I've taken the time to mindlessly pass my real estate classes I have more opertunites to make money at work, my new friends and co workers know little about the incident and don't pry much except clients that come in to the office and see framed pictures of Waklee on my desk, i still don't know how not the make that conversation awkward, of course I want to see her all day every day just incase I ever start to for get what she looks like. It's been two months now and I still can't believe this has happened why didn't I just hold her and do my home work at the same time it's not like I've never done that before and i still feel like it's my fault that I put her down for that nap she just wanted to be held I'm not better then criminals in jail, maybe I should be in jail it might be the only way to escape my baby's haunting crying in my head other then the bottles of wine I drink two to three times a week just so I won't cry my self to sleep. I had to break off the engagement with my fiancee because he was to much for me, he is not Waklee's father but he loved her just as much and he misses her just as I do but recently he was avoiding me, being to aggressive with me and just being a jerk in general I was wondering if maybe he was just starting grieve maybe possibly to take it out on me so I couldn't deal with all of our emotions at one time, he didn't take it well and I've yet to talk to him about the split but it's nothing I can't handle but after I've got myself together first. I'm thinking of adopting a puppy to put al my love and devotion in to im just wanting to nurture some one or something and I'm thinking maybe it's a hormone still waking up at 4 am in the morning to feed her but there's nothing to do so I make breakfast and go to back to sleep til work. All I can do and say on a regular basis is miss her, work and buy things til I run out of life.