I can't find my happiness anymore

[jen1080]

It's been almost 2 years now since my Mother passed and I still can't seem to smile and truly feel like I mean it. I miss her so much! There is a hole in my heart that will never be mended. My Father is still alive but things past and present have altered my relationship with him so I have a sense of being all alone since my Mother is gone. I had a very dysfunctional upbringing...so it makes for a lot of emotional issues. I don't make friends easily so I have maybe 2 people that I feel I can count on in my life. I'm getting off topic a little bit here, sorry...but I've been living in Florida for the past 10 years and my parents were together from the time I was born in 1980 up until around 2003 when my Dad had enough and sent my Mother back to Texas on a bus to live with her sister. I stayed back in Florida with my Dad. I have so much guilt for that reason. Cuz I know if I had stayed living with my Mother her health wouldn't have gotten as bad as it did and she would most likely be alive today. I only got to see her a couple of times in the 7 years before her death....even thought we talked on the phone all the time. It wasn't cheap to fly to Texas making my meager salary. I also beat myself up about that as well. I didn't see her as much as I should have. It's all just so tough to deal with...I don't know how to be happy since she is gone. This is the first time I've dealt with losing someone I was so close to. I feel like I shouldn't be happy...like if I smile too much it's me forgetting that she is gone. But I know she would want me to be happy. I just have such a hard time letting go of the loss.

[Daffodilfun]

I am not going to say that I know what you are going through. I have been going through the loss of my mom in a different way. I want you to remember that everything you have said in perfectly normal. The guilt is something I think we all have at one time or another. It is not your fault that you couldn't see your mom more, but I bet she knew you were there in spirit and support. You don't know if your mom's health would have been better if you were there. Please don't beat yourself up for this. The main thing I guess I want to say is that you can be happy and not feel bad about it. Your mom would want you to be happy.

Please keep writing as we all care.

Sally

[pip22]

I can't say what I've experienced is the same as you but I know what you mean and where you are coming from. I left home 10 years ago and seeing my family soon became a once a year (if I could afford it) event. I feel like grew further and further from them but knew in my heart that getting myself sorted and able to stand on my own 2 feet was important too. For the first few months after losing my Dad I beat myself up with guilt, telling myself it could have all been different had I still been at home. But we can't change what has happened and as much as I would give anything to him back we have to remember they are always going to be by our side and would want us to be happy.

[jen1080]

Thank you for your kind words. Sorry for my slow response...I haven't been back on the site since I wrote all that. I know deep in my heart my Mom would want me to be happy...and I know I will find it again...it's just a matter of time. I also need to get my personal life in order. So many things in my life fell apart when my Mom passed away. One step at a time to get over the hurdles.

I am not going to say that I know what you are going through. I have been going through the loss of my mom in a different way. I want you to remember that everything you have said in perfectly normal. The guilt is something I think we all have at one time or another. It is not your fault that you couldn't see your mom more, but I bet she knew you were there in spirit and support. You don't know if your mom's health would have been better if you were there. Please don't beat yourself up for this. The main thing I guess I want to say is that you can be happy and not feel bad about it. Your mom would want you to be happy.

Please keep writing as we all care.

Sally

[jen1080]

Thank you for your support. I know I will be happy again but it's going to take time. Maybe talking about everything will help the pieces come together. It is very hard being away from family you love...I'm so sorry you had to go through all you went through. I guess all the hard times are meant to make us stronger people in the end. Let's hope.

I can't say what I've experienced is the same as you but I know what you mean and where you are coming from. I left home 10 years ago and seeing my family soon became a once a year (if I could afford it) event. I feel like grew further and further from them but knew in my heart that getting myself sorted and able to stand on my own 2 feet was important too. For the first few months after losing my Dad I beat myself up with guilt, telling myself it could have all been different had I still been at home. But we can't change what has happened and as much as I would give anything to him back we have to remember they are always going to be by our side and would want us to be happy.