Members caringformom143 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 I lost my mom 7 days ago after a 4 years battle with lung cancer. I lived about 300 miles from her. My mom was doing relatively fine until 3 months ago when her cancer took over. She was hospitalized for the whole time and was able to be home for only 3 hours before being sent back to the hospital. To make a long story short, during the last few weeks of her life, both of her kidneys were blocked/infected, she have edema everywhere, her lungs have fluid outside and inside, she have infections in her stool/colon, and she needed a bipap machine to breath for her. She spent close to 10 days in ICU. She got better but then went downhill again. The doctors refused to do any surgeries on her because of very low platelets. Essentially, her kidney stopped producing urine and they told us to take her home and enjoy the rest of the days she have left. My mom told us she wanted to go home and not die in the hospital. We took her home on hospice care and she died 4 days later. She was unconscious most of the days but does have moments of alertness when she was able to see and acknowledged all of her kids, grandkids, and friends. That was really the very best scenario we had hope for, for her to be home and realized that she was home after a 3 months stay at the hospital. I was very involved with her care, making the critical decisions for her. Helping the nurses clean her. During the hospital stays, I slept overnight and were there for her around the clock, making her feel at ease. She even told me she's glad I'm around by her side. I care less about work so I took time off to be with her during her final weeks, assisting in every way possible. I am having a terrible time dealing with the loss of my mom right now because I'm having terrible guilt about whether I made the correct decisions for her during her final hours. I can't stop but keep replaying the events of the final day over and over in my mind and see where I may have go wrong. I kept telling myself that I made those decisions for her at that time based on what on the information I have and I shouldn't blame myself. Yet, it's still very difficult. On the last day of my mom's life, she was unconscious the whole time. Her blood pressure was very low (around 70/40), we were not able to get O2 readings from her fingers, we could see blue blotches on all of her finger tips ( i guess this means blood flow is no longer there?), she have rattle sound breathing, and she have fevers. Her urine production have came to a halt the day before. No matter what we do, she is not responsive. 4 hours before she passed, I told the nurse to give her morphine(lowest dose possible) because her face was telling me she was in pain even though she was unresponsive. An hour after that, it didn't seem like the morphine help at all, so I asked the nurse if she can give my mom xanax(lowest dose) because I thought my mom is having anxiety and may be very fearful of what is going on to her. Again, I judge this from her facial expression and her hard breathing pattern. 3 hours later, she passed. I asked the nurse right away was it ok that she got the morphine/xanax so close together. The nurse said it was fine. I called the hospice nurses the next day and asked them the same question and they told me the meds wasn't reason why my mom passed. It was because she was on the serious decline and it was just her time to go.So I did some research online and read that it was probably not a good idea to give xanax to someone with already such low blood pressure. Then, I can't help but blame myself for making that decision! If I had known , I would never ask the nurse to do that. It may be just a coincidence that my mom passed away hours after the drug was given but I can't help but blame myself for causing her to go faster. My family and even the doctors told us my mom will passed within days after discharged from the hospital. Yet, that didn't really comfort me knowing that I may have expedite her passing, because it was my fault! I love my mom so much and I have been making decisions for her the whole time, what I think is best for her. The last decision to give her xanax was because I don't want her to be anxious/panic when she does passed. My mom can get scare very easily. I was just trying to make her feel as comfortable as possible. Despite all the care I put into caring for her, I felt like I let her down and committed a big sin by giving her that last drug. People keep telling me that if my mom can tell me, she would say that she wanted to move on and I did everything I can to make her feel comfortable. That she wanted to be relief of all her suffering and that it wasn't my fault that she passed, but it was the cancer and her time to go. Help??? I can't seem to forgive myself if I do wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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