Holding on by a Thread

[kmwhiz]

I'm not even sure where to start. Honestly, I'm really surprised I'm doing this. Can I just start from the beginning; when things really got out of control? Maybe a small, quick timeline for background and then the losses.

2007

June 1- my mother tells our family she is moving out of our house

June 3- I graduated high school December - my father starts drinking again. He was a recovering alcoholic; sober since 2001

2008August - my mother moves to Arizona, leaving her children behind (I was 18, my sister was 15, my brother, 13)

2009

March 24- I found I'm pregnant

July 19- my brother dies while vistiing my mom in Arizona. He had a heat stroke and he was only 14.

November 14- my daughter is born. Her name is Jamie after my brother, Kevin James.

2010May 15- my father goes missing. Probable suicide; no body found. Death certificate reads unknown as cause of death

I'm sure you're wondering why my parents' divorce is of important but this is when we lost our "family." My dad started drinking again because of my mom. He had been sober, as far as I know, since we moved to Alaska in 2001. I never told him but I was proud of him for that. Anyway, the divorce was messy but fine... It's when my mother decided to leave her children and move to Arizoan because she can't stand it anymore. I understand living in Alaska takes a special kind of person but what woman leaves her kids? As much as my toddler makes me want to pull my hair out, I can't imagine a day without her.

My brother and sister went to spend the summer with my mom in Arizona in 2009. Not really a huge deal except my dad missed his children. I'll never forget the morning my dad called telling me something was wrong with Kevin and he needed to fly to Arizona as soon as possible. I quickly comtemplated how to get my hands on a ticket of my own. But a few minutes later my dad called and said it was necessary; it was too late. My brother passed away in a hospital in Arizona. He had been hiking with my mom and her sister and nephew. Heat stroke is what his death certificate reads.

When I got to my dad's house, he was devastated. I'd never seen my strong dad like this before. I collapsed and cried. Probably the only time I cried hard, not just wept. I'm going to skip all the other details because what really matters is how my dad acted after the funeral; after the food stopped coming; after my mom went home.

My dad feel into a deep depression. My sister was by herself with gym dad during this. I feel guilty now, knowing what she saw. The empty vodka bottles hidden; stumbles and loud noises at God awful hours of the night. My dad went to the darkest corners of the human soul and did not want to get out. Maybe he couldn't. Lord knows we tried. I tried to make him see the joy Jamie, my daughter, brought. It was useless. He wasn't sleeping or eating. He was just drinking.

On May 15, 2010, eight days before my brother's birthday and a almost a year since his death, I received a phone call my uncle. My uncle is my dad's older brother and tends to be a smidge dramatic at times. It was when I got a second call from my sister that I became concerned. I texted my dad to ask if he wanted to see Jamie later. He wasn't interested... Long story short: I found my dad's Jeep at an elementary school but he wasn't in it. Now mind you, we live in a place that is one of the biggest cities, land wise. There is tons of wooded area and trails around us. My dad certainly did not want to be found. We searched for a whole week. Nothing.

When my brother died, I chose to push all my feelings far back somewhere they couldn't escape. My reason was because I was pregnant and I didn't want to hurt the baby. When my dad died, I did the same thing. I now had a child to take care of. I couldn't be sad or hold up everything. My daughter was six months old when her Papa disappeared. I also had to take care of my minor sister. She was just about to start her senior year. My mom had since moved to Florida and wasn't planning to come back at all. I never grieved for anything. Not the loss of my "mother" or my brother or my father.

I write this now because I feel that it's taking its toll on me now. I got married August 2011 and my sister walked me down the aisle. My dad wasn't there to do that. He wasn't thinking of all the moments that he would miss when he was killing himself. Sometimes I just want to sleep through the whole day but I can't. I lash out my family members for no reasons as all. I become aggitated very easily. I blame it on the feelings bottled up inside. I guess I thought I'd tried writing it out. Why not?

I rarely talk about my dad and brother. But I think of them often. My sister and I talk sometimes about it.. We both feel the same way: that we weren't good enough for my dad to keep living his life. And let's not get started on our mommy issues. This woman.... I tell her. She was in Alaska for a week after her son died. Unfortunately, her boyfriend passed away from cancer in May of 2011, the same month my sister graduated high school. She was here three days instead of a week or longer. Remember, she lives in Florida and we live in Alaska... You don't make a cross country trip for three days. But those issues are for another forum I suppose.

Well, I suppose that's it. I'm leaving stuff out of course but I doubt anyone will read the whole thing. I just needed to get it out once and for all.. Or at least start to.

[vivkib]

kmw. Let me start by saying I am so very sorry for your losses. I lost my dad almost 2 yrs ago and my 28 yrs old son almost 7 months ago. Even with the losses I have had, I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. I am a mom who left my kids with my ex-husband when we divorced and it was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, but they needed a stable place and I couldn't provide that for them. I spent every night for years crying because I didn't have them with me. I will say I NEVER went more then a day or two without talking to them and seeing them every chance I got. They knew I didn't leave them, just thier father and I was always there for them. Things changed over the years for thier father and me and now we're best friends. I guess I'm sharing this with you because I understand how devistating it is not to have your mom around. You have been so strong for your family and you need to remember yourself in your grief. You've made a great step by coming here. You will find everyone here hurts with you. Please post in the Lose of an Adult Child thread. You will find it is a more active thread and most of us post there. It doesn't matter who you've lost, all are welcome there. When you post, click on "reply" at the top. We want to hear your story and be here for you in whatever way we can. Hugs and Prayers to you at this most difficult time. Vivian-Kevin's Mom