Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Can't think or talk about my husband


Plumsy

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I lost my husband 3 weeks ago. I do not talk about him and I push specific thoughts of him out of my mind. I can think about the pain, grief, what I need to get done. But I will literally walk away from any conversation about HIM. Every now and then I try to let a memory surface but I shut it down quickly. I was very much in love with him. We were best friends and really in love still after 20 years of marriage. I can't bear to think of specific moments or talk of him in the past.

  • Sad 1
  • Hugs 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I am so sorry!  It's been 18 years for me next month, and I still love and miss him every day!  It doesn't go away but it does become more bearable.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Brazil Man
1 hour ago, Plumsy said:

But I will literally walk away from any conversation

Perhaps you avoid conversations about your husband because you are afraid people will not understand your pain. I think you will feel better talking to us because we are in the same shoe; we also lost our beloved one as it happened to you. Please feel free to talk to us and we will be glad to reply.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
10 hours ago, Plumsy said:

I lost my husband 3 weeks ago. I do not talk about him and I push specific thoughts of him out of my mind. I can think about the pain, grief, what I need to get done. But I will literally walk away from any conversation about HIM. Every now and then I try to let a memory surface but I shut it down quickly. I was very much in love with him. We were best friends and really in love still after 20 years of marriage. I can't bear to think of specific moments or talk of him in the past.

Understandable. I couldn't either early on. It was quite some time until I could even look at her picture; it was just too painful.

Eventually over time you may find yourself being able to, even wanting to, let memories surface and to talk about him, but bottom line, do what works for you.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I put George's pictures up, took them down, up, down, according to how it made me feel...finally they were up to stay.

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
foreverhis
On 5/7/2023 at 4:51 AM, Plumsy said:

I can't bear to think of specific moments or talk of him in the past.

Honestly, that's pretty common for so early in this kind of grief.  Some of us get to the point where we take down pictures and memories to put away, put them back up, take them down, etc. because our feelings change day to day (or even hour to hour).  I felt more comfortable surrounded by pictures and his things, but the very day I got home from the hospital, I had to get rid of absolutely everything related to his cancer.  I could not take it.

As for talking about him in the past, to this day I sometimes say, “John likes…” or “John is…” and reference we, us, ours, etc.  In one of Nora McInerny’s TED Talks, she discusses that very thing:

”…and when I talk about Aaron, I slip so easily into the present tense, and I’ve always thought that made me weird, until I noticed that everybody does it. And it’s not because we are in denial or because we are forgetful. It’s because the people we love who we’ve lost are so present for us. … It’s just that he’s indelible, and so he is present for me.”

We bring our loves with us as we slowly move forward into a different life. A life we didn’t want, but that we accept over time as our reality. Please do not ever let anyone tell you to “move on” or “let him go.” That’s not right and it’s not what happens.  Nor should anyone, including ourselves, expect it to be.

I urge you to do or not do whatever allows you to breathe through the day.  If that means telling people you don't want to or can't talk about your husband, then that's what's best for you.  If your needs are not respected, then walking away is the right thing to do.

Your loss is so new and grief so raw and fresh; you're still in shock (no matter the cause, it's still a shock to our minds and bodies).  I'm glad you found your way here.  You may feel alone, but I promise that when you are here, you are not.

  • Like 2
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Plumsy:  Welcome to this site. All of the members on this board grieve with you in your loss and feel your pain because every one of us has experienced the same loss and grief that you're currently experiencing. Please continue to post on this site. You'll find lots of comfort and sympathy from our members.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.