Time doesn't heal all wounds

[Dawn Wms]

It has been three years now and I still feel as raw as in the first months.  I am functioning, going to work, paying the bills, etc., but I still have so much pain and I dread my future.  I wish I could die.  I do things with friends but I never feel actual joy or enjoyment.  Everything is a struggle to get through.  I am so lonely and no one's company can cure that.  I need my husband back, but I know that is impossible.  It is kind of harder now than earlier because then, at least, in the early stages people understood. They think I should be over it now and things should be "back to normal."  They don't know how much I am still suffering.  How to deal with the later stages of grief that other people just somehow don't recognize?

[KayC]

I've had to go it alone, it IS hard.  They definitely feel you should be over it by 18 years!  It seems the same at 18 years as it did at five years.  I tried filling the void, it doesn't work.  I got used to living alone, as long as I have my dog.  But as for happiness, I had that, REAL happiness, when George was here.  I don't really look for that anymore, but I do look for good moments, ANYTHING GOOD.  I don't want to negate something and somehow miss any bit of good that comes my way.  My life is simple.  It's simple that satisfies my soul.

Keep on keeping on, that's all I know to tell you...keep coming here.  We care, Dawn, I wish we could DO something tangible to bring back some happiness in your life...in all our lives.

[DWS]

10 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

 I am so lonely and no one's company can cure that.  I need my husband back, but I know that is impossible. 

I couldn't express it any better than that because that's just how I feel too....and sadly, it's something that we really can only say to other grievers because who in our personal lives would want to hear that we appreciate their company but it hurts more being with them because they're not our person!! This is such a bizarre way to live but learning to function as best as we can is what we'll do. Finding some peace within this mess is the challenge but I think it's there.

I quickly learned that I couldn't rely on time to take away the pain. Seasons change and with them bring new memories of our times together. Each and every month seems to have some special day within it to remind me of the sweet past....and then, of course, there are the holidays. Sometimes, I feel time is more the enemy because of its relentless reminders plus as it passes by, time just keeps taking my partner further and further away. 

Maybe just admitting that we're broken is the key to grief. We function but we're now missing parts. Understanding that and looking at ourselves that way can help take away some of the pressure we're putting on ourselves that we should be functioning better.  Some days may be lighter than others. Any good things we see will feel more intense to us than what others feel from it. This is us living with grief.

[Brazil Man]

13 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

It has been three years now and I still feel as raw as in the first months.  I am functioning, going to work, paying the bills, etc., but I still have so much pain and I dread my future.  I wish I could die.

It's really a long and winding road.
For me it's almost 5 years and I feel a little better now; when it was 3 years grief was raw as in your case. Time will heal the wound though a scar will be left.

[widower2]

Time doesn't heal the wound of grief...but it usually helps take the edge off. How much and how long of course varies for everyone. I try to stay busy and get out here and there, sometimes even when I'm not sure I really want to, just for the sake of getting out of the house and doing......something!  The warmer weather helps a lot; I have gardening and yard work and I'm in several meetup.com groups which gives me a built-in set of activities I can pick and choose from.

[Dawn Wms]

Thank you all for your support.

[KayC]

I've heard that so many times from my grief counselor friend, Marty from griefhealing.com.  She has been an amazing resource over the years and I have the utmost respect for her.  She says it's not time alone that does anything, but what we do with it.  I believe that wholeheartedly. 

Time-What you do with it

• Grief support group
• Online grief forum
• Reading grief articles
• Reading grief books
• Grief counselor (if you get a good one, if not, keep looking)
• Support system
• Being kind to yourself, patient, understanding
• Honoring your loved one
• Talking about your loved one

[widower2]

I think it's both. Time inevitably helps some on its own because your mind and body simply cannot sustain the anguish at that intensity indefinitely. But you're both right, certainly it isn't enough by itself. Every time I hear or read "time heals all wounds" I cringe and want to throw water in whoever's face said it to wake them up. 

[KayC]

I agree, just the passage of time seems to give us a bit of time to adjust, learn to cope, but again, it's us putting in the effort.  And we do have to stay alive long enough for that to happen..

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

I think it's both. Time inevitably helps some on its own because your mind and body simply cannot sustain the anguish at that intensity indefinitely. But you're both right, certainly it isn't enough by itself. Every time I hear or read "time heals all wounds" I cringe and want to throw water in whoever's face said it to wake them up. 

Here again, I reference the way Nora McInerny puts it:

“Once it’s your grief and your front row at the funeral, you get it. You understand that what you are experiencing is not a moment in time, it’s not a bone that will reset, but that you’ve been touched by something chronic, something incurable. It’s not fatal, but sometimes grief feels like it could be. … What can we do, other than remind one another that some things can’t be fixed and not all wounds are meant to heal.”

For me, time has eased the pain, but the wounds of losing John can and do rip open when I expect it (special days, going to our nephew’s wedding last year, etc.) and when I don’t (seeing a new musical a close friend invited me to yesterday and tearing up not because of the happy-sad-happy plot or even because he would have loved the music, but because he simply wasn’t there to experience it with me). Time softens and the support and comfort of people who love me/us strengthens, but nothing will ever “fix” my grief, not until it’s my time.  I have faith we will be reunited.

 I used to long for that day and in many ways still do. But I am learning to embrace the good that comes my way in the here and now.  Where before I would say (out loud), “You need to come get me,” I now say (still sometimes out loud), “I hope you are with me and I will see you when I get there.”

[KayC]

Good quote, @foreverhis..

[widower2]

6 hours ago, Gator M said:

But who wants to stay alive?

Many of us, actually, despite the pain. 

[KayC]

And it takes a while to reach that point, not that I wanted to die but I didn't want to go through what I'd have to go through if I lived.  But I had my young adult children and pets to live for.

[KayC]

Gator, and there's a big difference between being four months out and many years.

[widower2]

7 hours ago, Gator M said:

We will have to agree to disagree.   I find myself regressing.  I've accepted the loss.  It's the loneliness and the emptiness that has a grip on me.    

I'm sorry. But to piggyback on what Kay said, you're still relatively early in the process. Realistically it won't continue to be this bad indefinitely.

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, Gator M said:

We will have to agree to disagree.   I find myself regressing.  I've accepted the loss.  It's the loneliness and the emptiness that has a grip on me.    

Hi Gator M.  I don't think it's a matter of agreeing to disagree because feeling a certain way is not something that is right or wrong.  widower2 answered your question of "who wants to stay alive?" with the truth that many people, including some members here, do. For most, it takes a long time to find any reason to feel that way.  It took years for me to realize that I do want to be here for our daughter, granddaughter, other people who love me and who I love, and, of course, my rescue cat Cosi.  I no longer fear death, but neither do I long for it now as I look toward 5 years without my John.

Certainly everyone should respect each other's feelings.  Of course everyone should respect what your hopes and dreams have been and that they are even more so now.   Others who are as we say "further down the road" are simply giving you their perspective on how those feelings can change over time.  I do not believe they are telling you how you should feel or disrespecting what you've said.  They and I are simply asking that you keep the possibility in mind that God has a different path for you now.  Maybe there's a reason you need to be here longer.  I wouldn't presume to know one way or the other.  Just please continue to listen with your heart when you pray.  Perhaps over time, you will hear answers you didn't expect.

 

[widower2]

So well said as always. Thanks for saving me the keystrokes.  

[Jemiga70]

10 hours ago, Gator M said:

I'm not giving up...BUT I don't want to be HERE.  

Gator, I've just entered my 3rd year without her. I don't much wanna be here either -- despite having a validating reading with a medium and plenty of signs from my wife.  You're into month 4 and I'm into month 24.  We go through this our own way. Someone I know of lost her husband after years of marriage and she remarried after ~2 years. When I first heard that, I was a bit astounded. Then I stood back from my judgment. We process our grief in our own way. There is no one size fits all.

I can tell from your words that you're hurting. All I can say is to give it some more time. I say that because while I'm still in a world of hurt, the pain isn't as searing as in month 4.  Take care,

[KayC]

That is a type of pain.

[KayC]

39 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I'm about useless right now and will be for quite some time.

And many of us were in the beginning.  I thank God my daughter stayed with me for a while.

[widower2]

At least you have kids. I have basically nobody. When I die, it will not impact anyone's life. 

[KayC]

I have them but my son's family is three hours away from here and they expect me at 70 to do all the driving, it's in a hard to find very rural area.  My daughter is 1 1/2 hours from here but lives in a 4th story apt with no parking for guests and a building code to get in.  She's rarely home or answers the phone.  Can't exactly drop in on her.

I don't think it'll impact anyone's life that much when I die either, @widower2.  The neighbors might miss me for a little bit.  I think people would miss Kodie more.  Hoping to last long enough to outlive him.

[Dawn Wms]

I relate to so much of what is said.  I don't know what to do.  I am so lonely.  I just want to die.  I don't know that I believe I will be with him again, but at least I will not be without him.  It is really painful and barely bearable.  My dog keeps me alive because I don't want to abandon him.  But if it weren't for him, I think I would easily kill myself.

[widower2]

Well thank God for your dog then.  I admit I was similar, I could not abandon our dog. 

Have you tried/considering therapy? 

[KayC]

I can't picture myself committing suicide, and my dog and cat are great incentive to continue living, but I guess I'm not as social as I once was because I'm okay (for the most part) being without people, going to church seems to be enough and this winter I was only there half the time due to injuries and snow but sometimes you can feel alone in a crowd, you know?  

[RichS]

It's funny that you get to know your feelings better as you get older. Even though I spoke to my friend and then my cousin last night (two hours on the phone) and had a good night's sleep, I woke up this morning and I knew after my first cup of coffee that I was feeling tired and depressed. Maybe part of it was Mother's Day, but I'd think I'd feel the same way even if it wasn't. Even in church this morning, I was a tired parishioner.

I had planned to continue working on a house project today, but knew right away that I'm not up to it. So, I decided to go for a walk with my son this afternoon to a green way which leads up to a pond. Maybe the change of scenery will help a little. I think he caught the Mother's Day blahs also; but who can blame him? This is another "FIRST" day for us without Chris. I'm learning from you folks who have been at this a lot longer than me. I know we all grieve differently, but I suspect that longer term I'll have the same experiences that you all have mentioned; so if or when the time comes, I shouldn't be surprised.

I used to play softball for years but can't now because of my knee. Funny thing is, if I could play today, I might show up on the field but wouldn't play with much enthusiasm, which tells me the state of mind I'm in today. As Carl Wilson of the Beach Boys used to say when they played a not so popular song at a concert, "Thanks for the listen."

[JamesF]

On 5/7/2023 at 3:33 AM, Dawn Wms said:

in the early stages people understood. They think I should be over it now and things should be "back to normal." 

Sorry for your loss Dawn. Truth is, I'm not sure we ever fully get over the loss of our partner, or indeed if we ever really want to. As for other people, they can think what they wish. The only thing that matters is you. So take each day as it comes. Look after yourself because I'm sure that's what your husband would want. And remember on here we understand exactly what you're going through. That's why we're here for one another day in and day out.

[Griefsucks810]

On 5/6/2023 at 10:33 PM, Dawn Wms said:

It has been three years now and I still feel as raw as in the first months.  I am functioning, going to work, paying the bills, etc., but I still have so much pain and I dread my future.  I wish I could die.  I do things with friends but I never feel actual joy or enjoyment.  Everything is a struggle to get through.  I am so lonely and no one's company can cure that.  I need my husband back, but I know that is impossible.  It is kind of harder now than earlier because then, at least, in the early stages people understood. They think I should be over it now and things should be "back to normal."  They don't know how much I am still suffering.  How to deal with the later stages of grief that other people just somehow don't recognize?

Sorry for the loss of your spouse/partner.  I am functioning to a degree, I pay the bills and go food shopping which I dread doing. Our friends and family members who have never lost their spouse can’t even begin to understand the magnitude of the pain and suffering we are going thru and we have to find a way pick up the pieces and move forward with our lives.  We don’t go back to normal - we learn how to live our new lives without our spouses.

[Griefsucks810]

On 5/14/2023 at 6:27 AM, KayC said:

I can't picture myself committing suicide, and my dog and cat are great incentive to continue living, but I guess I'm not as social as I once was because I'm okay (for the most part) being without people, going to church seems to be enough and this winter I was only there half the time due to injuries and snow but sometimes you can feel alone in a crowd, you know?  

I also have a cat and dog to live for and  they both depend on me for their every need.  They are both great companions too.

[Griefsucks810]

On 5/13/2023 at 7:35 PM, Dawn Wms said:

I relate to so much of what is said.  I don't know what to do.  I am so lonely.  I just want to die.  I don't know that I believe I will be with him again, but at least I will not be without him.  It is really painful and barely bearable.  My dog keeps me alive because I don't want to abandon him.  But if it weren't for him, I think I would easily kill myself.

Sorry for the loss of your spouse/partner and that you are going thru an indescribable amount of pain and suffering. Glad that you are still here cuz your dog depends on you for his every need.  Other than my daughter, my cat is the second reason I’m still here cuz I wouldn’t ever leave her without a mother and she depends on me for her every need. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 5/24/2023 at 5:17 PM, JamesF said:

Sorry for your loss Dawn. Truth is, I'm not sure we ever fully get over the loss of our partner, or indeed if we ever really want to. As for other people, they can think what they wish. The only thing that matters is you. So take each day as it comes. Look after yourself because I'm sure that's what your husband would want. And remember on here we understand exactly what you're going through. That's why we're here for one another day in and day out.

I have accepted the full loss of my spouse and I’m accustomed to living my new life without him.  He took a part of me and half of my heart with him when he died. I still have an emptiness in my heart which has never been filled.  I’ll forever cherish in my heart the love we shared together.  I survive day by day and don’t look too far ahead into my future cuz  I don’t know what is to become of me and I don’t know what path my future will take me upon. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 5/12/2023 at 6:11 AM, KayC said:

I have them but my son's family is three hours away from here and they expect me at 70 to do all the driving, it's in a hard to find very rural area.  My daughter is 1 1/2 hours from here but lives in a 4th story apt with no parking for guests and a building code to get in.  She's rarely home or answers the phone.  Can't exactly drop in on her.

I don't think it'll impact anyone's life that much when I die either, @widower2.  The neighbors might miss me for a little bit.  I think people would miss Kodie more.  Hoping to last long enough to outlive him.

It’s unfortunate that both of your children live far way from you and there’s no easy way for you to visit with them regularly cuz of the reasons you stated in your post. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 5/11/2023 at 10:58 PM, widower2 said:

At least you have kids. I have basically nobody. When I die, it will not impact anyone's life. 

Are you on speaking terms with any of your family members?  Regardless of whether or not you’re on speaking terms with your family members they would all feel remorseful after learning of your death.