Coping with others

[maria42]

Hello everyone,

I have posted here almost two months ago, a few weeks after I suddenly lost my dad of a heart attack. Back then I was in a state of shock and found it hard to comprehend he was really gone and to feel anything else other than worrying about other members of the family. I now feel a deeper sadness and I cry more - it seems to me it will take a long time to overcome the shock and come to terms with the loss. It's hard but some days are better and lighter than others. Dad died at a time of my life when everything else in my life is about to change (end of graduate studies, change of jobs, place of residence etc) - and I guess these changes makes me feel even more unstable and are sometimes overwhelming under the current circumstances. I started seeing a grief counsellor last week, hopefully this will help a bit too.

What I am writing about is my relationship with other people, particularly my friends. I find this very hard and I often wonder whether I will end up on my own without anyone. I find it difficult to hear friends talking about their own problems and many times I wish I could be left alone. I talk to them, I act as if nothing is wrong but I can't help thinking I find many of their concerns trivial or that they are slightly self-absorbed at times. I don't want to talk about my dad or anything like that, it's just that I feel i have a completely different life perspective now and I wonder whether my relationships with others will ever be the same. I know some of them are trying to help and we have been very close during previous years, and I don't want to sound ungrateful (I actually feel bad about these feelings), but it's as if a huge gap exists now. I am not referring to those that act like they are friends in the first days and weeks and then dissappear - this happened too but this is always expected from some, I suppose. My boyfriend, with whom I got together only a few months before dad died has been really great to me, and I didn't expect that given that this really is a new relationship. He has also lost his mum and I think this makes a big difference, he can really understand many of the things I fee. Sometimes I even worry of becoming clingy or too needy with him and ruining this new relationship, a result of the fact that I feel uncomfortable with my friends and rely more on his support, so I consciously stop myself from asking any help or company some days. I spend a lot of time on my own, withdrawing, unable to connect with friends, taking more and more distance, wondering whether this will ever change. I do not feel depressed (I have been depressed in the past and know the difference), I just feel exhausted by the mere thought of spending time with others and feeling uncomfortable, so I stay at home doing my own thing.

Sorry for the long post. I am not even sure I can accurately describe what I mean. If anyone could let me know how they felt and handled their relationships with friends after a loss that would be really helpful.

All best wishes.

[Mrssumr]

Maria 42,

I am so sorry for your loss. Can't say I have much advice I can only relate. I lost my Mom almost 13 weeks ago. I only have a few really close friends. My very best friend was great for about the first week after my Mom's passing but since she kind of seems like I should be over this. My Mom was my very best friend and this loss is huge. I cry everyday and I am just sad. Maybe my issues are that I am to much for her to handle but she has not been there for me in the last 2 months. When we do talk if I even mention my Mom she just ignores it. That is hard for me. Another friend has been great and checks on me a lot more. I agree that a lot of the issues they have are minor compared to my issues. I really just rely on my dad and my husband right now. I think a life changing event like loss of a parent will possibly make or break some friendships. Hang in there I really have no advice I just know what you mean and am experiencing a lot of the same.

[Bridelyn]

I know exactly what you are feeling. Your whole perspective on live has changed. How could it not? I have listened to some friends problems and think to myself, if only that is all I have to deal with life would be so easy. Fortunately, I do have a good friend who has also lost her mother a couple of years ago so she understands what I am going through and she herself also still has her sad days. We were actually talking about her husband the other day and she said he has never experience the death of a close loved one and until you do you just don't understand. She is right. It is funny, I thought I was doing so good and had it all together but the last couple of weeks I have been on the verge of tears all the time.

My mom died suddenly of a heart attack as well. The shock was unbelievable. And for you having to deal with the ordinary changes in life on top of it all must be very difficult. Just remember you are not alone. Thinking of you.

[SadRN]

So very sorry for your loss, Maria42. I can completely relate to your feelings about friends and other family members. My cousin broke up with her boyfriend (again, for the 43rd time) and is just devastated. And from my perspective I just wish she'd get on with her life and realize that there are more important, hurtful things in life. Hang in there...

[Sarajsimon]

Hi,

I really do feel exactly how you are feeling. It's hard for me to have a "normal conversation" with my friends and when they complain about silly things, it makes me so upset. If only we had those problems! Everyone has some sort of issues, but death is different. It's so final and so unfair. In everything in life, you always have choices you know what I mean? My dad was sick for about 20 months with brain cancer and even though he was struggling on a day to say basis, we still could at least try and do something for him if he wasn't feeling good. But, with death there are no other options, but just to go through it.

I compleletly understand what you mean with about your friends- they are so awkward and don't know what to say. But you find those two or three people who are really there for you and you can talk to. You loose friends and gain some too. You kind of have to teach your friends how to help you. You know what I mean? It sounds crazy, believe me it's ridiculous to me. "I'm the one going through this mess! I need someone to take care of me!!" but, they just don't understand and don't know what to say. People say stupid things, oh my gosh such stupid things. But, you just have to surround yourself with the people who make you feel most comfortable. Talk soon

[maria42]

Thank you all so much for your replies. It makes me feel better to see I am not the only one experiencing these feelings. I am so very sorry for your losses too.

I wish I could believe that these events create new bonds and friendships. Right now it all seems bleak to me, like I will keep growing apart from my friends and end up on my own battling all the sadness and loneliness. Last days my boyfriend has been a bit distant and it is making me worse, mostly cause the thought of breaking up makes me realize how vulnerable I have become and how difficult it at the moment not to have people to talk to. I so wish I'll manage to find ways to handle all this difficulty with others.....

Sarajsimon I know what you mean about teaching them how to help - my best friend basically told me the other day that I need to speak more and explain what I need and that by not saying anything I am giving them mixed messages and they just don't know what is good and what isn't.

[Guilmej]

Maria42-

I am so sorry for your loss. I can also relate. For anyone, this is a strange and terrifying time. I lost my own mother a little over a month ago to a suspected heart attack - we are still waiting on the final coroner's report. I have had friends that have bent over backwards to help and now everyone is setting back into their own routines. I am very envious of them as my routine will never be the same. No one has ever told me that I need to "get over it already" but I've had the thoughts in my head -- like my head was projecting them from other people. Some people have drifted by the wayside already. Others have been checking in on me to make sure I am ok. There has been surprises at both ends of the spectrum.

One thing to remember; everyone grieves differently. Some will withdraw, some seek out others, still others will do a mixture of both. If you are alarmed by your feelings, seek help. Therapy has been the best thing I ever did. It has helped to have someone to talk to that I knew had no history and there there to listen to me.

I hope you find peace and comfort. It may take a while, but I do hope you can find it.

[maria42]

Firecat - thanks for the response. I had a therapy session yesterday, the second one, and it really helped. It made me feel many of my emotions are normal and it also took away some of the pressure in my relationship and expectations from my very close people. Hopefully it will continue to help.

Many thanks again, I wish you peace and comfort too. All the best.

Maria42-

I am so sorry for your loss. I can also relate. For anyone, this is a strange and terrifying time. I lost my own mother a little over a month ago to a suspected heart attack - we are still waiting on the final coroner's report. I have had friends that have bent over backwards to help and now everyone is setting back into their own routines. I am very envious of them as my routine will never be the same. No one has ever told me that I need to "get over it already" but I've had the thoughts in my head -- like my head was projecting them from other people. Some people have drifted by the wayside already. Others have been checking in on me to make sure I am ok. There has been surprises at both ends of the spectrum.

One thing to remember; everyone grieves differently. Some will withdraw, some seek out others, still others will do a mixture of both. If you are alarmed by your feelings, seek help. Therapy has been the best thing I ever did. It has helped to have someone to talk to that I knew had no history and there there to listen to me.

I hope you find peace and comfort. It may take a while, but I do hope you can find it.

[carlson120800]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am new to the site and looking for some solace outside my friends as well. I feel like they are tired, worried all the time and I am sad to bother them constantly with my sadness. I lost my mom and best friend about 10 months ago suddenly to an unexplained double pulmonary embolism. It has been the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. I have two beautiful children, 7 and 17 months, that I am having a really hard time enjoying as I know how much she is missing. I cant even type this without crying. I am just looking for some sort of support network that can help me to understand my feelings. My Mom was the best, most loving person I have ever met. I live daily to love as hard as she did. She was loved by many, 500 people as the service. She taught sewing and was a very talented artist. I have two best friends and not many other close female friends. They are both wonderful friends and have been so supportive, however, like I said they are tired. They have problems as we all do and feel that I have been so consumed with myself and sadness lately that maybe I am not the best friend to have around. I have had to have very hard heart to hearts with both of them lately trying to explain how hard this is. I do not have a family support network as all my Aunts are angry with my family for the way the hospital and services went. I miss them to especially one Aunt that I was closest to. Still cryiing...not making any logical since. Looking for friends that understand and can build a relationship with me...who can stand the constant sadness and work thru this process with me. I have a therapist for years and I am actively seeing her...still not helping. Please understand my rambling and respond if you are looking to help out a lonely sole.