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Pregnant daughter's boyfriend committed suicide


HelenRHill

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On 2nd March this year, my daughter's beloved boyfriend and father of their unborn daughter committed suicide. It was completely out of character and out of the blue. No note of explanation was left. He was a very confident, friendly lad, who had a huge number of close friends. He left behind his parents, brother and sister-in-law, grandparents, many friends and my daughter and her baby. He came from a very close family and his love for them was always apparent, as he talked fondly of them regularly - and yet he chose to leave them. He didn't give anyone a chance to help him through whatever difficulties he was facing.

My daughter's pregnancy was not planned, but when they found out they were expecting, they were both very open-minded, and sought counselling via the university they both attended. Sadly, the counsellor was not so open-minded and filled their heads with the idea that termination was the only option. He decided that's what he wanted and my daughter twice attempted to do it for him. She couldn't terminate and finally told him after about three weeks following positive pregnancy result. He was upset, angry, etc for about three weeks, but then seemed to come to terms with it. My daughter gave him a get out option and said she'd have the baby without him if that's what he wanted, and that she wouldn't ask anything of him, but he decided to stick around. He went with her to their 20 week scan, and was SO excited to see their daughter wriggling around. He said his face hurt, from smiling so much. His excitement was not something you could easily act. They went off to buy girlie things for their baby daughter and even chose her name together. My daughter saw him for the last time on Valentine's day and then two weeks later, he was gone.

Her whole world has been ripped apart. She loved him so much. I had grown to love him as a son, as they talked about marriage in the future, and it was clear that it was a long term relationship. At first, after he died, time seemed to stand still, like we'd got off the world and everybody else was still on it. We could see time going by for other people, but not for us. Now I'm just so angry at his selfish act. How could he leave my beautiful daughter and her unborn baby?!!! And how the hell do you help someone through something like this? I can't think about anything else and neither of course can my daughter. We know we've got the blessing of her daughter/my granddaughter to look forward to, but life seems so empty now. She can't entertain the idea that she will ever be happy again. Any advice on how to come to terms with this would be much appreciated, thanks for "listening".

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Hi Helen,

I am very sorry about the loss of your dauther's baby father. Your daughter would probably benefit from some professional help to process this tremendous loss. Allowing her to talk about how she feels and being supportive of her are the best ways in which you can help her.

Please let her know that we are here for her as well as for you. Listening to others who have experienced similar situations and hearing how they learned to move forward is helpful to many.

ModKonnie

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1334271240' post='86387']

Hi Helen,

I am very sorry about the loss of your dauther's baby father. Your daughter would probably benefit from some professional help to process this tremendous loss. Allowing her to talk about how she feels and being supportive of her are the best ways in which you can help her.

Please let her know that we are here for her as well as for you. Listening to others who have experienced similar situations and hearing how they learned to move forward is helpful to many.

ModKonnie

Hi Konnie,

Thank you for replying to my post.

As for getting professional help, we've tried on numerous occasions, but the doctors just keep giving us inappropriate phone numbers! We have just managed to fix her up with a counselling midwife though, even though she usually counsels couples who've lost a baby. She came and spoke to us at her last antenatal appointment and is going to contact my daughter when she gets back from her holiday. I have suggested that she join the forum and she said she wants to, but obviously her motivation is not brilliant at the moment, and every time I suggest it, she's not wanting to talk about the subject at that time. She's always been very good at putting things off. Fortunately, we are able to talk about her boyfriend's death on a daily basis, but of course we're still at that point where we just want to know why he did it. It's so difficult to come to terms with it, because we will never know the answers to our questions. They were talking about getting married, living together, bringing up their little one, etc, then he just ended it. I forgot to mention that he didn't even tell his parents about my daughter being pregnant. With them being so close, he should have known that they would have been just as supportive as my husband and I. To top it all off, last week my children lost their favourite Grandma too.

Sorry for ranting on. I just feel like I'm going mad! I was struggling with depression before all this, but now after losing two people who my children and I loved dearly, I'm struggling to hold it together.

Helen

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Helen,

You have certainly had your share of tragedy in the past few weeks. I feel for you. It seems as though things happen in groups, doesn't it? I always tell myself, "Okay, I can get through this, just keep breathing and moving." Your daughter is at least talking, that's good. Maybe you should get your daughter some literature about suicide. The question of "why?" is the one everyone wants to know, but we may never get answered. It's one of the most frustrating, maddening, painful and fearful questions. I'm sure your daughter may be feeling overwhelming guilt, but please keep reasuring her that she was not in any way responsible. When people choose to end their life, it is their choice based on their thinking at the time. She had nothing to do with it.

So, are you able to get out and do anything for yourself lately--like a good walk, a shopping trip, a good movie? You need to take some time for yourself.

ModKonnie

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