Somethings Never Change Even With Death

[mrsduc]

Well I have written earlier that I was going to my ex's house with my husband to spend the time with my two boys but especially my granddaughter. Well we called my ex to find out when we should come and I just had a filling in my gut that it wasn't going to be good. And I was right because my ex said that my son with my granddaught probably wouldn't show up until 6 or 7 at night and that my other son he didn't think was coming. Well my husband told my ex that I had gone out and gotten all these presents and had made food. SO my ex told us that we were still welcome to come that his parents were going to be there and a couple of other relatives. Like those people I cannot stand and believe from the bottom of my heart are alot of the reason that Robert killed himself, I would want to spend a second with. But I was willing to do it to see my granddaughter and my two other boys ages 28 and 31. But now I am thru. I just feel like what he said was not true. I know those boys they heard I was coming and they threatened not to come if I was coming. SO I once again get my heart strings pulled. I am too emotional drained since Robert's death to even take anymore from my boys. I just need now to protect myself and move on without trying anymore. It hurts that they want nothing to do with me and that I am kept from my granddaughter like I am a bad person. I am hurt and angre and tired of the same stuff that these people do to me all these years and stupid me falls for it every time. I have decided enough is enough. I cannot keep getting hurt anymore. I love my boys because they are my boys but I cannot keep allowing them to hurt me. If nothing else they should respect me as a human being for giving them life. I know and I try to understand that they have been brainwashed about me but they have heard from RObert and have seen proof that I have not been lying and that I do love them, but they still refuse to not give me a chance and allow us to get to know each other again. I just know the type of mother I am if they were hurt or in the hospital I would be running to be there, but they know that I am having surgery and do not seem to care. They both just said oh yeah. I cannot make them see that I am not the person that they were told I was if they refuse to come around me. So I feel the need to separate myself completely from them and protect myself and my heart. Now things like this make me miss Robert even more. Robert was the only one that wanted to have me in his life and we worked so hard and for many years to build our relationship to such a place that we knew that we were more then mother and son that we were best friends. And having my other boys dis me like they do just makes me miss Robert more and makes the pain worse. It makes me fee like I am not a mother anymore. I just don;t know where I stand in this life anymore. I want to get up everyday and do stuff but when morning comes I look out the window and say whats the point Roberts gone my other boys don't want me and I have no friends that come around. I have a sister in PA that we are close. But that is it. So most days now it takes everything I got to decide to even get out of bed. I did today for about an hour or so and made my husband dinner and pumpkin pies. But that was it. I just don';t have the energy or the desire to do anything. I pretty much sleep all the time or just stare at the TV between sleeping. It is not the way I want to live but right now I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. Yes I am on anti depressant meds and my doctor has upped the meds. So I know that pills have helped me alot but it also takes a person to help themselves too. I have no desire to help myself or like I usually say kick myself in the ass and get moving. It is not in me right now. I am physically, emotionally and spiritually drained. I do not know what else I can do to make things better for me. I have gotten some books but I can't even get the strength or desire to pick them up and read them. I know I am depressed and I knowthat it will take time to get thru Robert's death but I know that usually I can pick myself up when I get down, it might take me alittle time, but I am not sure that I am going to make it this time. I got my sons autospy report, all 14 pages and there is no doubt that he was determined that he was going to make sure that he did not fail in dying. And for some strange reason it makes me proud of my son. I do not know why but it does. Does it make it easier for me, NO!

Any way everyone who has lost a child please try to have the best Easter that you can possible have and those that have other children I know it is hard when you have lost one of your children and you miss that child and want to be with that child but please remember that if your other children are with you and come and visit then to me you all are the lucky ones and cherish every moment. For remember there are many of us that either have lost their only child or their other living children want nothing to do with you so it is like you had only one child and you feel so alone and unloved and so lost as a mother.