Members ktparker08 Posted April 6, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 I am not sure how this really works. I am just going to tell my story and see what happens. Let me start with my boyfriend of two years, back in 2004, died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 22. With this death came a huge monkey on my back, guilt. His family blamed me for several reasons and I understand completely why, but this didn't make it any easier for my grieving process. He had heart disease and there wasn't any foul play or drugs involved, however cocaine was found in his system. So there was that. And I didn't see the "signs" of the fatal heart attack and get him help. I was at the young age of 21. Never knew anyone who suffered from heart attack and I didn't know the signs. For this I blamed and still do blame myself. I started heavily on drugs soon after his death. This went on for years of miserably trying not to feel. While everyone around me had to sit back and watch me self destruct and hope I didn't die. I tried getting help, I tried going to grieving groups, nothing could take the pain away. The loss. The guilt. People always looking at me with these blank stares, saying they are so sorry and couldn't imagine what I was going through. I despised this. With this I have one more story to tell. Last Feb. 2011 I was briefly at a dear friends house, a friend of 15 years when he shot himself in the head right in front of me. This was huge. I didn't understand. He didn't say anything. He didn't act as if anything was wrong. He in the most casual way reached in his closet, pulled out a gun and put it to his head. Within a matter of seconds. That was it, he was gone. His wife and 3 kids were there in the next room. I think I have dealt with this in a much more mature and direct approach than I did with the first death. But still, 2 people, dead, in front of me before I reach the age of 30. What is God trying to prepare me for?! I guess the reason my friend convinced me of getting on this site was because I am a frkn basketcase. I am not normal. I have a 3 year old daughter and me and her father are still together. I just graduated from a dental assisting program and currently seeeking employment. Well for me this is a huge ordeal. I do not feel as though I "fit in" with society. Especially after my dear friend Jeremys death. I view the world differently. I don't like people that much. I think there all idiots. What kind of person thinks like me? No one. I feel out of place and like no one around me "gets it." Everyone wants me on meds. I don't like em. I have tried several antidepresssant anti anxiety. I don't like the way they make me feel. I am depressed. I know this. I have been for a long time. I don't sit around and cry all day. But I am not real happy either. I want to be better. I want to be better for my daughter. Just feel like I have hit a dead end road. I am used to being sad. I don't know. I get irriatated with myself and who I am, but don't know how to change. These things that have happened in my life will never change. And I will never be the same. I wonder who I would have been not seeing the things I have seen. I am not one of those people that say "i live with no regrets" "everything I have done led me to be who I am today" . Since Terry died my whole twenties have been nothing but regrets. With the exception of my daughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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