who's normal?

[ktparker08]

I am not sure how this really works. I am just going to tell my story and see what happens. Let me start with my boyfriend of two years, back in 2004, died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 22. With this death came a huge monkey on my back, guilt. His family blamed me for several reasons and I understand completely why, but this didn't make it any easier for my grieving process. He had heart disease and there wasn't any foul play or drugs involved, however cocaine was found in his system. So there was that. And I didn't see the "signs" of the fatal heart attack and get him help. I was at the young age of 21. Never knew anyone who suffered from heart attack and I didn't know the signs. For this I blamed and still do blame myself. I started heavily on drugs soon after his death. This went on for years of miserably trying not to feel. While everyone around me had to sit back and watch me self destruct and hope I didn't die. I tried getting help, I tried going to grieving groups, nothing could take the pain away. The loss. The guilt. People always looking at me with these blank stares, saying they are so sorry and couldn't imagine what I was going through. I despised this. With this I have one more story to tell.

Last Feb. 2011 I was briefly at a dear friends house, a friend of 15 years when he shot himself in the head right in front of me. This was huge. I didn't understand. He didn't say anything. He didn't act as if anything was wrong. He in the most casual way reached in his closet, pulled out a gun and put it to his head. Within a matter of seconds. That was it, he was gone. His wife and 3 kids were there in the next room. I think I have dealt with this in a much more mature and direct approach than I did with the first death. But still, 2 people, dead, in front of me before I reach the age of 30. What is God trying to prepare me for?!

I guess the reason my friend convinced me of getting on this site was because I am a frkn basketcase. I am not normal. I have a 3 year old daughter and me and her father are still together. I just graduated from a dental assisting program and currently seeeking employment. Well for me this is a huge ordeal. I do not feel as though I "fit in" with society. Especially after my dear friend Jeremys death. I view the world differently. I don't like people that much. I think there all idiots. What kind of person thinks like me? No one. I feel out of place and like no one around me "gets it." Everyone wants me on meds. I don't like em. I have tried several antidepresssant anti anxiety. I don't like the way they make me feel. I am depressed. I know this. I have been for a long time. I don't sit around and cry all day. But I am not real happy either. I want to be better. I want to be better for my daughter. Just feel like I have hit a dead end road. I am used to being sad. I don't know. I get irriatated with myself and who I am, but don't know how to change. These things that have happened in my life will never change. And I will never be the same. I wonder who I would have been not seeing the things I have seen. I am not one of those people that say "i live with no regrets" "everything I have done led me to be who I am today" . Since Terry died my whole twenties have been nothing but regrets. With the exception of my daughter.

[ModKonnie]

Hi,

I am sorry for your losses and hardships. Normal? Well, I don't think anyone can really define what "normal" is. Who really knows why some of us appear to suffer more than others. I don't know why things happen, but I believe they happen for a reason. It may not be what we want, but it is what it is.

Taking about loss and tragedy helps, truly. You've take a good step toward sorting it all out, processing it, and moving forward. Your experiences have changed you, for sure.

Why do you think you've experienced what you've experienced?

We will be here to support and listen to you,

ModKonnie

[ada33r]

Hi KT,

I cannot say enough how sorry I am for the horrible things that you have experienced. I hope also that you don't think I'm an idiot here. :-) I was wondering though, if you may be suffering from a form of PSTD. According to The Harvard Mental Health Letter, It's not just for those who have been in a battlefield but for those who have simply been through traumatic events in their life. Since people respond to trauma differently, most do not develop serious symptoms. Whatever the case, though, you need to remember that recovery requires patience, it may take years. Some are able to handle the feelings associated with the trauma and gain relief, but others continue to wrestle with memories of a traumatic event even many years after it has occurred. The important thing though is that you are here, and talking about it, like ModKonnie mentioned, is a step toward getting a handle on what is causing such turmoil for you. I have found that in my case, talking helps incredibly. I am able to express my deepest feelings without the worry that anyone is going to judge me or make fun of me. I have also found much comfort in the promises of the Bible and the more I study it, the more I feel the need to also share it's wonderful message with others who are suffering. 1 Thessalonians 5:14 tells us to "speak consolingly to the depressed souls" and to "be long-suffering toward all". I hope that in time you are able to start on a path of self-discovery and open yourself up to the possibility of recovery. I hope to hear from you again.

Regards,

Ada

[widower2]

kt, I am so sorry for the horrors you have endured, I can't imagine. But the upside is you HAVE endured them and despite being the "basket case" you say you are, you're still here, you're still fighting for a better life for yourself and your child. That's more than many can say so give yourself credit where it's due, for starters. Other thoughts I had while reading your story:

- your boyfriends' family - wow what a disgusting and heartless attitude to blame you, as if you didn't feel bad enough. How cruel and asinine, frankly. For Godssake you were 21, a kid really. Guilt is extremely common when suffering a loss and they just decided to pour gas on the fire. Please don't keep beating yourself up simply because you didn't know what to do, esp at that young age. Most people including those much older don't. As for drugs, whether involved or not, I'm betting you didn't force them into his system. In short, you were NOT responsible for this. At all. So stop blaming yourself for something that isn't your fault; it is also cruel and totally unfair. Keep hammering that into your head till it sticks. I will get ticked off if you don't.

- as for your friend's suicide, I can't even imagine. A friend of mine found his father shortly after he did similar in their house, also in his early 20s. Quite frankly such a thing angers me greatly. No matter how depressed they were for whatever reasons, what a selfish act. I'm so sorry you were there for that and that they did this despicable thing.

As for "normal," no you're right, you're not normal. I think a "normal" person having been through all you've been through would be far more of a basket case than you feel that you are. As I said before: you're still here, you're still fighting for a better life for yourself and your child. You're working at this. You're not giving up. In other words, you're well ABOVE normal. And thank God for that! It seems clear to me that you have a strength and a will and intelligence that won't allow this to defeat you where it already would have done so for many others. No doubt your concern for your child is playing a part too, and good for you there as well. Trust me I know people who haven't been through anything nearly this bad and they can't be bothered to properly care for their kids. Yet here you are fighting to do just that. Once more: give yourself credit where it's due! And realize that it's perfectly reasonable for you to have such strong difficulties dealing with all this. But you CAN deal with it, I have no doubt of that. But you must give yourself time and allow that you won't be perfect in doing so.

As for people being idiots, congratulations, you see the world more clearly than most. OK of course they aren't "all" idiots, but there are plenty out there and I swear they're breeding like rabbits. So don't give me this "nobody thinks like me," in some ways I am right there with you, and trust me, whatever faults I may have, stupidity isn't one of them.

As for meds, there's but one example of our idiotic society: the "quick fix" and how so many people when faced with depression or stress reach for a magical "happy pill" thinking it will solve their problems. Hello idiots. But that said, meds - the right meds - CAN help. I suggest you not lump all meds as being the same and consider where one might not help, another might. Also not all psychiatrists/etc are exactly good or even competent IMO, so if you see someone who frankly appears to be another idiot, try another.

Finally, I can so relate to feeling like you're at a dead end and being used to being sad. It's been a big problem in my life. And given what you've been through I think that's quite understandable. True, these events that happened you can't change. But you can change you. It's hard, very hard, and takes time, but it's do-able. No, you won't ever be the same. None of us who have experience an intense trauma ever will. But that can be good, believe it or not. It can help us appreciate others more, appreciate life more, give us a much wiser perspective on what counts in life and what doesn't vs the yahoos who skip through life wrapped up in the most trivial of things. Yknow?

As for people who say "I have no regrets"........well there's yet another example of idiots.

You can do this. Take it a day at time and I know you can. I'll be rooting for you! And feel free to vent here any time.