Suddenly Gone

[Guilmej]

On March 16th, 2012 my mother gained her wings - along with her ability to "see" again. Mom passed away unexpectedly that day. She was 57, just a day shy of 58.

I am writing the events of that day, but putting it behind a "spoiler" so as to not trigger others.

I remember the day seemed particularly bright and sunny and everything seemed to go just "right" at work. After work, I went home to finish packing for the weekend. Mom's birthday was the next day and I was taking her up to see her sister who lives about 2.5 hrs north. I quickly pack my weekend bag and kiss my husband goodbye. Traffic getting out of town is always horrendous on a Friday and I just wanted to get on the road so we could be done with the driving. On my way over to Mom's apartment, I call to let her know I'm coming. No Answer. This is not unusual as Mom wears hearing aids and also screens her calls. I left a quick message saying I was on my way and I'd see her soon.

Upon arrival to her apartment, I see she is not outside waiting. While this is the majority of the time, again, not unusual. Knock on the door - no answer. Mom was prone to not hearing the door either. I let myself in. The TV was blaring as I called out for her. No Answer. I found her in her recliner, slumped over. Time stood still, and it seemed like ages for me to find the phone. The picture still contstantly flashes back in my memory. I call 911 and the medics are dispatched. No CPR was performed, she was already gone when I had found her.

Yes, I found her.

What makes everything so hard for everyone is that the majority of us had talked to her the night before. Her best friend had a brief conversation with her that morning.

Mom had a very hard life. She was abused by her stepfather from an early age. The abuse triggered various issues for her ranging from bipolar disorder to drug abuse. She lost one eye to Glaucoma at 10 and the remaining eye in 2006 due to complications from a scratched cornea and glaucoma. Mom's hearing was bad and wore hearing aids. Severe Osteoarthritis had started deforming her joints and she had an MRI scheduled to examine a cyst on her right elbow. Hypertension, cholesterol and two prior heart attacks - Mom was not in the best health. In spite of all this, she still remiained positive and tried to encourage others to be positive as well. All she wanted was for people to be happy and she did the best she could to make that happen.

Mom was not a saint, and she would be the first to say it. The Golden Rule was her guide, though she could still be quite the gossip.

Mom and Dad divorced when I was in Kindergarten. Mom never remarried. She had a few boyfriends and a couple lived with us. She was fiercely protective of my brother and I, wanting to make sure that what happened to her as a child did not happen to us. I distinctly remember an incident where she chased someone off our porch because she felt he was too old to be hanging around us and our friends (he was 20s we were pre-teens-so, yeah, he was too old to be hanging with us).

In the last 7 years that she has been back in town (she lived with her sister for a few years), she became a strong advocate for the visually impaired and was instrumental in the installation of a tactile crosswalk at a major intersection near her apartment. She would navigate herself to Walgreens, Tee Jaye's or her favorite watering hole and usually someone would escort her back home when it was time.

I did not realize how many people Mom had touched until she passed. The most common comment was around how positive she kept herself.

I am comforted in the fact that the night before, she was celebrating her birthday (early since we were going out of town) and everyone at the bar said that she had a blast and was in great spirits. She was found fairly soon after passing and was in good spirits in general when she passed. She was excited about the trip to see her sister and to spend an entire weekend with me as well. Things happened as they were supposed to I guess. I was supposed to find her and keep her "safe", I was also to help run interference so that certain people did not have access to her apartment. Even in my state of shock, certain things were so clear because she had been like a broken record about them for as long as I could remember.

No funeral, no wake - have a party. Do not cry for me, celebrate my life.

I can't keep the crying at bay all the time. It comes out - it has to or I will explode. I believe she understands that now.

However, we are having the party. It is later this month and it is proving to be quite a bash. We are all wearing our sparkly things (mom loved things that glittered and shined) and gathering at her watering hole. The owner is also very helpful in planning this.

Mom is resting comfortably on my bookshelf tucked by a folding frame that has a picture of my brother on one side and me on the other. After the party she will stay with her sister. When her sister passes, mom will be buried with her. My aunt is having an urn specially made for her with her picture etched into it. She also told us that there was enough room in her plot for Mom to be included. Mom's little family unit will be back together.

Some good has come of this. I've spoken to some family members that I have not seen for over 25 years. To say Mom's family was dysfunctional is putting it midly. Still, it is sad that this is what started the conversations, but Mom got her way yet again. Everyone is starting to talk again.

Last week was one of the harder weeks - it was the week my brother and I would have gone over to work on bills with Mom. We already passed the milestones of her birthday and mine. Next is Mother's Day and my brother's birthday. The first year we won't have her call and tell us the story of our birth.

I'm sort of rambling, so I'll stop here for now. I miss her terribly and even miss her calling me at odd hours because she'd forget what time it was...

[debbie8800]

Hi: I am sorry for your loss and you sound like the full import of it has not hit you yet, its so new. My mom died 5 months ago today. i was so heartbroken for the first 6 months it wasn't funny. My mom was 87 and was a wonderful woman.

I will pray for healing and prayers for you. May your mom rip.

Debbie

[ada33r]

Firecat,

Your mom sounds like such a fighter, what an amazing role model for you she left you such a legacy. I'm so sorry for your loss and the way you found out that she had passed. I cannot even imagine that pain. I know you probably think you're rambling but the truth is that talking about your mom is an important step in grieving. This is why also forums like these were created, so that we can "ramble" all we want and certainly feel a measure of comfort. There may be times that you will feel that you are on an emotional roller coaster that gives you some amazing highs but then suddenly drops you to the lowest lows you have ever gone. Every time that happpens Firecat, keep in mind that we are here for you. Come talk to us, or at us, or not with us at all, we all have done that and you are more than welcome to do it too.

So far, what is helping you to grieve? What other things have you remembered about your mom? How is the rest of your family holding up? If you feel comfortable sharing more with us, our ears and hearts are open.

Kind Regards,

Ada

[Guilmej]

Firecat,

Your mom sounds like such a fighter, what an amazing role model for you she left you such a legacy. I'm so sorry for your loss and the way you found out that she had passed. I cannot even imagine that pain. I know you probably think you're rambling but the truth is that talking about your mom is an important step in grieving. This is why also forums like these were created, so that we can "ramble" all we want and certainly feel a measure of comfort. There may be times that you will feel that you are on an emotional roller coaster that gives you some amazing highs but then suddenly drops you to the lowest lows you have ever gone. Every time that happpens Firecat, keep in mind that we are here for you. Come talk to us, or at us, or not with us at all, we all have done that and you are more than welcome to do it too.

So far, what is helping you to grieve? What other things have you remembered about your mom? How is the rest of your family holding up? If you feel comfortable sharing more with us, our ears and hearts are open.

Kind Regards,

Ada

Thanks. Mom really was quite a fighter. I am keeping busy, thought I don't know if it is truly helping or just delaying things. I traveled for work this week, which has helped. Except tonight I started to feel all alone. I've been talking and that seems to help a lot. I don't want to be that person that constantly talks about what happened. I feel like I'm being a burden on others.

My brother is hard to read. I have not seen him cry yet. That may be because he doesn't want me to see it. He's been worried about me since I was the one to find mom. My aunt did cry when we went out after finishing the majority of the apartment cleaning.

I just really remember how hard mom tried her vest with everything. She was determined to do better than her mother and she far exceeded that. I had a relationship with my mother that Mom was not able to have with hers. I cherish that much more now. She was goofy and a little nuts, but she was my mom. I could call her crazy, but if anyone else were, I'd be ready to beat them up in a heartbeat.

I miss her corny jokes an dinappropriate comments. She usually got a groan out of me each visit with somethig she'd say.

It is a rough night tonight. Thankfully I fly home tomorrow.

I'm scared again - don't know why. I want to retreat and curl up and just be alone. I can't do that. Color Guard season starts monday and with it clinics for auditions. Life moves on, I have to keep moving too. Though part of me wants to slam on the brakes and grind everything to a halt, even if for a day, week or just simply an hour. I don't have that power, so I push on.

I see myself lapsing back into "go, go go" and I am trying to keep that from happening. I did not spend enough time with mom because of "go go go".

[Guilmej]

This past Sunday we had a wonderful celebration of Mom's life. Her favorite band played and a great time was had at her favorite watering hole. I'm really happy with how that turned out. I'm sad in the fact that at some point it was labeled a "Benefit" but there is no donation coming out of it. Mom's on-again, off-again boyfriend only recovered a small portion of what was paid to the band. The bar owner went on about how they had to have 11 people there instead of just 2 and basically gave me every excuse in the book as to why they weren't sending a donation. I was so mad when I found out that I wanted to punch a wall right then and there. However, I was at work and that is sort of frowned upon. I see my therapist today and so I am going to ask his advice on what to do. I don't want anyone thinking badly of my family -- the original idea was simply a Celebration of Life -- someone else threw the word "Benefit" out there.

On a more positive note, my brother and I are looking into starting a charitable trust in Mom's name. Her life insurance did not work out as she planned (she had bought Accidental Death and Dismemberment, not "regular" Life Insurance) and so we weren't able to honor her wish of making a donation to the charity of her choice. With the trust, we are hoping to expand from the charity she had in her draft will. Even with all of her own issues, Mom worried and did her best to care for others.

I'm slowly getting into a routine of sorts. I still have moments that just hit me. I saw my cousin perform in Beauty and the Beast last night -- at the end, when Belle sings to the Beast and asks him not to leave her when she thinks he's dying, I just started sobbing. I wasn't ready -- still am not ready for Mom to be gone. We were supposed to be going to visit her sister, not emptying Mom's apartment!